autumnnight Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 It's called transferrence. My cheating ex-wife did the same thing to me. No, your wife is gone Sharpie. You are crud to her...lower than pond scum. Time to get your legal ducks in a row and gird your loins for battle. You are in for a rough ride. I'm sorry your wife cheated. You don't know of OP's is. Believe it or not, women can actually be lonely and miserable in their marriages for very legitimate reasons. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sharpie77 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Share Posted June 23, 2015 It's called transferrence. My cheating ex-wife did the same thing to me. No, your wife is gone Sharpie. You are crud to her...lower than pond scum. Time to get your legal ducks in a row and gird your loins for battle. You are in for a rough ride. I know she is gone. Final settlement is already drafted. Pretty fair for both of us, really. I'm not disputing that she is gone - I'm just struggling with the fact that she may have "moved on" moved on before she was even out of the house. That would be a hard blow. Link to post Share on other sites
davidromero43 Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 I can understand why you would care. Divorce or no divorce, you still love her, and the idea that she would care for someone else is very painful. That makes sense to me. Think of it this way, though this divorce was never your idea, if it goes through, it will be an ending. But it will also be a beginning. You have learned a lot about yourself through the process, and you have improved yourself. This means that someone out there is going to get a very good man. Men are simple creatures. We see it as a violation of our vagina. It's ours and we don't want to share with anyone. What he is feeling is normal to me. It takes years before you can see your ex with someone else and be ok. I'm sure it is some kind of primal instinct in us. He needs to focus on himself. But that feeling is not going away anytime soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 She is going to launch a PR campaign against you Sharpie, to make everyone think the divorce and dissolution of the marriage was all your fault. You have to tread very carefully, because if you fight back too hard then you will look like a weak, disgruntled husband trying to get back at his wife. You have to be stoic and strong. Call your in-laws and family and very calmly tell them exactly what you told us, with as much detail as you can so they understand your side of the story. They may understand or they may take her side. Whatever they do or say, stay in control of your emotions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 The only thing that appears certain here is that she had a date set up for Friday might with another man and lied to you about it. No speculation on that. Whether or not it has gone further or not is not clear, but she intends for it to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sharpie77 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Share Posted June 23, 2015 She is going to launch a PR campaign against you Sharpie, to make everyone think the divorce and dissolution of the marriage was all your fault. You have to tread very carefully, because if you fight back too hard then you will look like a weak, disgruntled husband trying to get back at his wife. You have to be stoic and strong. Call your in-laws and family and very calmly tell them exactly what you told us, with as much detail as you can so they understand your side of the story. They may understand or they may take her side. Whatever they do or say, stay in control of your emotions. That part has already happened. The blame has already been placed in my lap. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 She is going to launch a PR campaign against you Sharpie, to make everyone think the divorce and dissolution of the marriage was all your fault. You have to tread very carefully, because if you fight back too hard then you will look like a weak, disgruntled husband trying to get back at his wife. You have to be stoic and strong. Call your in-laws and family and very calmly tell them exactly what you told us, with as much detail as you can so they understand your side of the story. They may understand or they may take her side. Whatever they do or say, stay in control of your emotions. Have you even read any of his other threads? Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 I know she is gone. Final settlement is already drafted. Pretty fair for both of us, really. I'm not disputing that she is gone - I'm just struggling with the fact that she may have "moved on" moved on before she was even out of the house. That would be a hard blow. Well, you have to judge for yourself whether knowing if she cheated is worth it to you. If she did, it was most likely an exit affair, a way for her to break all her emotional and sexual bonds with you. It is very common practice with walkaway spouses. If she did have sex with someone, it probably meant nothing to her in the long run. Don't let it cause you to see yourself in a negative light because it has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with her and her inability to follow her own ethics and standards. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Then if they already blamed you, kick the dust off your sandals and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Then if they already blamed you, kick the dust off your sandals and move on. After seeing if there is, in fact, anything you can change to improve yourself and the marriage...unless of course you are perfect. I'm not, so I have no frame of reference for that.... Link to post Share on other sites
davidromero43 Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 That part has already happened. The blame has already been placed in my lap. "A lion doesn't concern himself with the opinion of a sheep." When my wife cheated on me and said it was my fault. I just moved on. I don't care what she thinks. I don't care what she told anyone. And in the end a lot of people resented her for it. All of our mutual friends stopped talking to her. They told me everything she said. I still said nothing. It just wasn't worth it. She lost a lot of friends doing the blame game. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 If she has a date set up with another guy then you just have to cry in your beer and let it happen. You cannot control her. It will hurt like hell, but you are in for a long road of hurt. She is a couple years ahead of you in the detachment, so it won't hurt her that she is hurting you. Use that anger to detach yourself. Women like her never apologize for their failures in the marriage, and their pride an arrogance will never let them change their opinion of you. Get hold of a grief counselor, someone to talk to and help you deal with the pain. Talk to someone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Men are simple creatures. We see it as a violation of our vagina. It's ours and we don't want to share with anyone. What he is feeling is normal to me. It takes years before you can see your ex with someone else and be ok. I'm sure it is some kind of primal instinct in us. He needs to focus on himself. But that feeling is not going away anytime soon. how to get that feeling go away. time to go the gym. get ripped again. meet people(women) yehey! single again! how to get that feeling go away. bury it with love from other women. dont fill your head with what shes doing. ask yourself what you'd be doing tomorrow? improve your career, improve your body & see other women. think it this way!. that Other Man is getting your sloppy seconds! Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 After seeing if there is, in fact, anything you can change to improve yourself and the marriage...unless of course you are perfect. I'm not, so I have no frame of reference for that.... The damage has been done. Her family has already made their decision. He needs to look after himself now. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 "A lion doesn't concern himself with the opinion of a sheep." When my wife cheated on me and said it was my fault. I just moved on. I don't care what she thinks. I don't care what she told anyone. And in the end a lot of people resented her for it. All of our mutual friends stopped talking to her. They told me everything she said. I still said nothing. It just wasn't worth it. She lost a lot of friends doing the blame game. And again, we do not know if she is cheating Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 And again, we do not know if she is cheating And as I have said..it doesn't matter. Because she has detached. Whether she is cheating or not has nothing to do with her drive to end the relationship. Cheating with another man would just be a pleasant by-product of the detachment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sharpie77 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Share Posted June 23, 2015 The only thing that appears certain here is that she had a date set up for Friday might with another man and lied to you about it. No speculation on that. Whether or not it has gone further or not is not clear, but she intends for it to. ...and after the papers are signed...that is okay. I know it will still hurt. She just said she was going to have dinner with "a friend" which I guess is what it was supposed to be - but from the tone of her (and his) messages - it seemed like more than an innocent friendship. I know I don't have any proof. There was just an allusion to "something" happening. There was an awkward incident of some kind. Someone pulled back - "froze up" was the term used. I can't remember who. I think she mentioned something about it being weird for both of them. I just don't know what to do with the information. She wants to go over the draft of the marital settlement tonight. I think I do so and then I mention what I saw. I don't want to accuse - I just want the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 She has moved on and will tell you it is none of your business. In her mind she is no longer your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 If you are going over the settlement, what do you have to lose by asking????? She may not consider it any of your business or she may tell you exactly what has been going on. if you do not ask, you will never know or have the chance to know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cgiles Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Time to apply the 180list. Even if she doesn't cheat, it will help you to move on more fastly and efficiently. The point of the 180list is to focus on yourself, and to stop to care about the other one. If she tells she wants to stay friends, simply say "first let us be good coparents, then we will see what we can do". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 If you are going over the settlement, what do you have to lose by asking????? She may not consider it any of your business or she may tell you exactly what has been going on. if you do not ask, you will never know or have the chance to know. I agree, you should at least ask. It will quiet the voices in your head. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sharpie77 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Share Posted June 23, 2015 My biggest issue in asking is bringing it up. I did technically snoop into her messages - again - she has done that to me in the past. Still doesn't make any easy entry into the conversation. That said - my suspicion was aroused when I heard her phone vibrate and receive a message and I saw a comment from him pop up on the screen. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Man. I am not sure I see anything wrong with what she did. Maybe I have a weird perspective but in my opinion once you both say "we're getting a divorce" the relationship is over. There is no cheating after that In my mind the only legitimate question here is did the first encounter between these two predate your "let's get divorced" decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sharpie77 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Share Posted June 23, 2015 Man. I am not sure I see anything wrong with what she did. Maybe I have a weird perspective but in my opinion once you both say "we're getting a divorce" the relationship is over. There is no cheating after that In my mind the only legitimate question here is did the first encounter between these two predate your "let's get divorced" decision. I have no idea. I know has been a client for several years so who knows. I guess I wouldn't technically call it cheating, but I do see it as a bit dishonest. If the papers are not signed and we're still living under the same roof - would it kill her to sit tight until we had officially (and physically) gone our separate ways? Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 I can't continue living with her if she is carrying on with someone else behind my back. If the papers are not signed and we're still living under the same roof - would it kill her to sit tight until we had officially (and physically) gone our separate ways? Don’t confront until you are living separately. You’re getting a divorce and if you confront now you will be doing her a favor. Now she has to be discreet. Once you confront she can get all dressed up in the open and tell you where she’s going. I couldn’t stand looking at that. Continue snooping and confront once you’re living separately or the divorce is final I'll admit - I'm scared to confront her because 1) I will have to admit I snooped Don’t put up with this crap. Shut it down. She snooped first, nothing more to be said. Link to post Share on other sites
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