Dbigbear Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 My apologies for that I liner, lol. I'm seeking advice or input for a situation that I am in. I'm a 50 year old MM and my marriage is not going well after 25 years of being married. My wife and I have no more intimacy of any sort. I've tried sparking up my marriage by doing anything possible, but the flame just won't ignite. All of our kids are grown and gone, so it's just us two left. Hence my second issue...about 5 months ago I met a MW on line. She is 13 years younger than I. What began as a friendship, blossomed into an EA. I promised myself that it wouldn't go past that, but I failed miserably. Even though we live over 250 miles apart, I made a trip up to see her and we spent a day together. Although no sex was involved we did cuddle and touch. Maybe that was sex, lol. We have gotten to the point of texting every single day and we call each other when an opportunity lends itself. There has already been hints of what it would be like to make a life together, but just thoughts. I am truly attracted to this MW and my feelings for her are growing by the day. Before I get bashed, I know I am doing wrong, but my heart and I miss that attention and affection I get from this MW. I don't want to wreck her marriage, but she claims not to be happy. So my question is... 1. Am I spinning my wheels with this MW that I'm having an affair with? Does anyone out there feel there might be a chance of it truly growing? 2. Do you feel that my own marriage is at a stand still and that I should just accept what I have at home and learn to live with what I get at home? Thank you beforehand for any advice or input given. It is truly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Yes, so long as one or both of you remains married, you're spinning your wheels. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 My apologies for that I liner, lol. I'm seeking advice or input for a situation that I am in. I'm a 50 year old MM and my marriage is not going well after 25 years of being married. My wife and I have no more intimacy of any sort. I've tried sparking up my marriage by doing anything possible, but the flame just won't ignite. All of our kids are grown and gone, so it's just us two left. Hence my second issue...about 5 months ago I met a MW on line. She is 13 years younger than I. What began as a friendship, blossomed into an EA. I promised myself that it wouldn't go past that, but I failed miserably. Even though we live over 250 miles apart, I made a trip up to see her and we spent a day together. Although no sex was involved we did cuddle and touch. Maybe that was sex, lol. We have gotten to the point of texting every single day and we call each other when an opportunity lends itself. There has already been hints of what it would be like to make a life together, but just thoughts. I am truly attracted to this MW and my feelings for her are growing by the day. Before I get bashed, I know I am doing wrong, but my heart and I miss that attention and affection I get from this MW. I don't want to wreck her marriage, but she claims not to be happy. So my question is... 1. Am I spinning my wheels with this MW that I'm having an affair with? Does anyone out there feel there might be a chance of it truly growing? Yes, you are spinning your wheels by having an A with a MW. Why not just divorce (you and her) and find the happiness you are seeking without cheating? 2. Do you feel that my own marriage is at a stand still and that I should just accept what I have at home and learn to live with what I get at home? You said you have tried and tried and your W is not receptive. Maybe she is having an A???? I don't think anyone should live in a M where there is no intimacy. It's cruel to the partner who needs affection/sex. Your kids are grown and you are still young enough to enjoy life with someone who will give you the intimacy that you crave. Why are you afraid to take the leap? Thank you beforehand for any advice or input given. It is truly appreciated. You only get one life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Do what you want but divorce your wife before you move on. Why have you not told your wife about your friend? If your marriage is as dead as you say your wife won't mind. But it's probably not as dead as you say because you wouldn't care if your wife knew if that was the case. Stop being a cake eater. Tell your wife you want an open marriage or a divorce. That is the honerable thing to do. It's a shame a 25 year marriage doesn't grab t the respect of a proper ending. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 deal with your M 1st. the kids are gone... so that makes it a little easier. when did your problems with your M start? is your M sexless, no sex, no physical intimacy...? when you tried to bring the spark back, how did your W respond? do you find your W physically attractive? how did she react to you trying to fix things, did she try to fix your relationship...? once you answer all of these Qs, you can focus on doing something about it. don't make a mess and finish that M which i'm sure had some beautiful moments... in such an ugly way as an A. don't be a coward and wait another woman so you can leave your own bad relationship. sit down with your W and tell her you need to separate and see what happens from there. this is the right time for you to make some moves... don't miss it. you'll feel really good knowing that you did the honest and right thing BY YOURSELF by maturely dealing with problems... instead of dodging them and burying your hand in the affair sand. when you're done with your M - focus on your MW. don't think about MW and HER marriage when you're still didn't deal with a marriage of your own. one problem at a time. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Having an affair isn't going to help, it's going to complicate your life and make you more detached and distant from your wife. Have you actually said the words to your wife, been totally honest with her,"I'm very unhappy and we need to fix our marriage, become husband and wife again, not roommates, because I can't live like this anymore and I'm afraid if things don't get better we'll end up divorcing." Maybe if your wife knew how seriously unhappy you are, then maybe she would try hard as well. The MW isn't leaving her marriage, seems both of you have reasons to stay married (comfort of home, stability, finances, long history, kids, grandchildren maybe) and not enough reasons to divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 If you yourself cannot answer those questions, about your life, how should we be able to, just wondering;) Maybe what you look for is other peoples experiences coming out of the same kind of doubt you are stuck in? Try to imagine celebrating christmas next year and your birtday and newyear with your wife and the next 20 years (in case you live so long), what feeling do you get? imagine never seeing the woman (dating) again or seeing her with some other man, maybe marrying, what feelings do you have thinking of those things? are you in the right place with the right people right now? But simply the fact that you are writing in here for help seems to say that you need a change:confused: but i also know that people tend to mismatch, so just telling you what to do will not help, you need to feel it yourself:o Maybe you are scared of the new woman not wanting you if you divorce? what is worse having tried and failed at it or go the rest of your life knowing you didnt even try, so you would never know if it could have been? Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 1. Am I spinning my wheels with this MW that I'm having an affair with? Does anyone out there feel there might be a chance of it truly growing? Of course it will grow. You are nurturing it, so it will continue to grow and you will continue to get closer to her every day until it becomes so strong that you will think you can't live without it. What then? What is your end game? Is this woman going to divorce? If she does, are you? Are you willing to stay in a long-term affair? Just read around this forum for about ten minutes to find out how painful that usually ends up, for everyone involved. 2. Do you feel that my own marriage is at a stand still and that I should just accept what I have at home and learn to live with what I get at home? No one can answer that question but you. You have to decide if what you have at home is good enough, not worth divorcing... or if you want out of it to find something more fulfilling. That's a separate issue from your affair, BTW. You really need to think past TODAY, towards the future. Affairs just get more painful and complicated the longer they go on. Most married people don't ever divorce for an affair partner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 1. Am I spinning my wheels with this MW that I'm having an affair with? Does anyone out there feel there might be a chance of it truly growing? Yes, you are. It will grow because you're feeding this relationship. 2. Do you feel that my own marriage is at a stand still and that I should just accept what I have at home and learn to live with what I get at home? I believe life is too short to just "grin and bear it", not when your personal happiness is at stake. You need to think about what is acceptable for you to stay in your M, or if you have the guts to leave your M and go out there to pursue your happiness. You don't need to accept what your M has become, you have it in your hands to change it. The question is how willing are you to change your life for you to be happy? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 Dbigbear, I could strongly argue to work on your own marriage first. Get to the point where you fix it, or just put up with it, or get out. I believe you CAN fix a marriage of 25 years, unless there are some REAL serious problems (even they can be fixed). Get some help.... get fresh ideas. Do things you haven't done before, or repeat things that have made you both happy. Experiment with sex... try new things. Change some habits.... and put some habits together that put you and her together... perhaps a weekly event you both go to... or you bring her breakfast in bed once in awhile, or you give each other massages..... or whatever. Don't give up until you've tried a LOT. If ALL fails, and you leave her.... go find someone that's not married. Having 250 miles between you and the OW, will be easy to forget her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dbigbear Posted June 24, 2015 Author Share Posted June 24, 2015 I would like to thank each and everyone of you that took the time to give me your opinions and advice. I will surely take it into consideration in making my decision. I am glad to know that there are still people willing to listen and help someone with these types of issues. Yes, I'm sure many don't condone the actions of a MM to be looking outside of his marriage and I understand. But I still appreciate your honesty in your responses. I hope to someday be able to repay someone in the same boat with some good solid advice, or just an ear to listen. Have a great day! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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