How do l stay strong

[hromo]

Hi Love Shack Community.

 

 

I'm really hoping to get some guidance and advise.

 

 

Here is the background story. Was married for 14 years, together with my ex for 20 years, two years ago our marriage broke down due to infidelity, l caught him having an affair, confronted him, he moved in with the OW.

 

 

I'm in a no fault state, so everything gets divided equally. I have been living in the marital home for the last two years by myself and my ex and l don't communicate unless its regarding bills that need to be paid.

 

 

It has taken two years to move the separation process along as he has stalled, not getting his financial documents in order for the business he owns with his brother. There have been numerous requests from my lawyer to his to get things moved along. After setting a court date, he finally provided the information necessary so we met last week to reach a resolution.

 

 

The dilemma that l'm dealing with currently, is that he made a verbal deal to provide me with a lump sum pay out instead of spousal maintenance and two days later, he is changing his mind, and indicating that he wants to sell the home so that he can have cash at hand and that he wont be left with anything if he negotiates a settlement with me.

 

 

My lawyer is planning on perusing this further, but l'm scared to death, it wont work out the way l hoped. I really want to keep the home and close the door to this nightmare.

 

 

How do l stay strong in the midst of it all. I have come to realize that l have been thinking all along that after what he put me through, he would do the right thing by me. How stupid was l to think that way.

[Clay]

First thing this is not your fault. It is so sad that so many families break up over this. You have ever right to fight for what you want in the divorce. Chances are you might end up going to mediation over the assets. I don't know your financial situation but I would push as long as I could to get what you want out of this. I would also ask for him to have to pay for your attorneys fees.

 

I divorced my xW due to her cheating on me. I stood strong and refused to give up anything. I made it clear as long as I had a job she wouldn't get a dime. Now I know the courts would have made me give up on somethings but she knew I was serious and she walked away from it all. I kept the house the car and the kids. I ended up throwing most of her things in the trash. I offered her family to come get them but they refused so that is why I did that.

 

I am really sorry you are going through this. I know it was very hard for me.

 

Talk to your lawyer and see what you can do.

 

Clay

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.

 

If the one thing you want out of this divorce is the home, then focus on that and be willing to give up or compromise substantially on other matters. This presumes you want to settle and not pile up legal bills further in a protracted fight. Your lawyer should be able to give you a good faith estimate based on the assets and income streams under consideration.

 

Having settled relatively amicably, my advice is to focus on one aspect and move forward on it, doing something each day. Sure, your STBX may not cooperate. That's OK. No one can control him, not even the court. You do what you need to do, for yourself.

 

Oh, one thing, if you find your H to be a procrastinator.....have your lawyer bury a legal fees parameter into the settlement agreement so, if you need to, yet again, seek legal help to enforce an agreement due to his failure to meet the terms, then he can pay your legal fees for getting things straightened out. Of course, the same would apply to you, if not adhering to the agreement. Fair is fair.

 

One day at a time.

[hromo]

Thank you Clay. These are the words l needed to hear. I cannot give up now and l'm sure that's what he's hoping for. Thank you for taking the time to reply, it means a lot. This site is my go to when l need support as the community here is so supportive. I will take your words to heart and fight for what l deserve. All the best to you

[hromo]

Thank You Carhill that is excellent advice. I certainly appreciate it and will talk to my lawyer. All the best and thank you

[minimariah]

i assume you have no children?

 

i don't think he can sell YOUR marital home... at least not in my country so check that with your lawyer. tell your lawyer everything and don't give up.

 

fight for you rights, do not believe a word he says, get everything writen down on paper, one day at a time.

 

wishing you the best.

[Clay]

Thank you Clay. These are the words l needed to hear. I cannot give up now and l'm sure that's what he's hoping for. Thank you for taking the time to reply, it means a lot. This site is my go to when l need support as the community here is so supportive. I will take your words to heart and fight for what l deserve. All the best to you

 

I can't speak for others but when I was cheated on multiple times it really just broke me down. It took a while to really start to see I deserve better. Once you start to move on you will see things more clearly. I know you have had a separation for a while but it really takes time. Be proud that you did not cheat. Be proud that you are a decent person. These are the things and of course my kids is what got me through it. Each day its going to get better. I know one thing for me when my divorce was final I felt like a weight and I know all kinds of people say this but I really felt like I just dropped all this weight off my back. It was a surreal experience for me. I have never forgotten that feeling and it really just showed me I did the right thing.

 

I am sure he probably just wants to move on with his life. I would also guess his OW is pushing him to get it finished. This might actually work in your favor. I think if you stand firm and push he will cave at least on some of the things. On another note every time you see him just smile. It will drive him crazy wondering what is going on.

[hromo]

Thank you Clay. l cannot wait to have the feeling of the weight lifting off my shoulders. yesterday set me into melt down mode, after he wanted to talk and went on about he could not afford to pay me the spousal payments, on and on. l shouldn't of even got into a conversation with him and after l felt like he used me again to fish for how l felt about the house. He knows l wanted the home and he is paying a game and manipulating the situation. l have to remain strong and go after what l want, it's hard to continue to fight and push for resolution but l got to hang in there. Thanks for sharing your experiences. here's to the rainbow on the other side of this.

[Clay]

You can do this. I do understand people have to be reasonable but him cheating on you and then coming to you later and crying about how he can't afford payments is garbage. I would just stand firm. Its his problem he put himself in this situation and just like the cheating he is looking for the easy way out. I would talk to your lawyer and tell them exactly what you want out of this and stand firm. Clearly he is worried about the money. I would make him worry about it all that more.

 

You can do this.

 

Clay

[Apaige]

Hi Love Shack Community.

 

 

I'm really hoping to get some guidance and advise.

 

 

Here is the background story. Was married for 14 years, together with my ex for 20 years, two years ago our marriage broke down due to infidelity, l caught him having an affair, confronted him, he moved in with the OW.

 

 

I'm in a no fault state, so everything gets divided equally. I have been living in the marital home for the last two years by myself and my ex and l don't communicate unless its regarding bills that need to be paid.

 

 

 

 

It has taken two years to move the separation process along as he has stalled, not getting his financial documents in order for the business he owns with his brother. There have been numerous requests from my lawyer to his to get things moved along. After setting a court date, he finally provided the information necessary so we met last week to reach a resolution.

 

 

The dilemma that l'm dealing with currently, is that he made a verbal deal to provide me with a lump sum pay out instead of spousal maintenance and two days later, he is changing his mind, and indicating that he wants to sell the home so that he can have cash at hand and that he wont be left with anything if he negotiates a settlement with me.

 

 

My lawyer is planning on perusing this further, but l'm scared to death, it wont work out the way l hoped. I really want to keep the home and close the door to this nightmare.

 

 

How do l stay strong in the midst of it all. I have come to realize that l have been thinking all along that after what he put me through, he would do the right thing by me. How stupid was l to think that way.

 

My Ex promised to do the right thing for months...needless to say, he didn't. The utilities were due to be shut off, (which he told me he was paying the bills) I only worked a few hours a week, and I didn't have control of the money (big mistake on my part) he gave me no spousal support, no child support, didn't pay the mortgage...nada!! He drew up a property settlement agreement, and b/c I didn't conform to his agreement, he became very angry toward me. Things got ugly. I took the agreement to a lawyer, lawyer said I was an idiot backed into a corner with a gun to my head...Unfortunately, never trust the EX. He did wrong, and hurt you tremendously with his infidelity (as did mine), he didn't care about your feelings, and he didn't care enough to support you emotionally then, why would he now? Of course this is just my experience, but I have learned so much through this.

 

As for the staying strong...YOU HAVE TO! Get yourself a good lawyer (mine in NJ cost me about 30k's (sucks I know, but my ex was in law enforcement and scared the sh*t out of me on a daily basis) Just know that you must ...surround yourself with positive people, loving people that will listen to you complain, cry, and vent ALL OF THE TIME... I also hired a real estate lawyer that ultimately told me to walk away from the house b/c we were under water with it. Otherwise I would have fought to keep it for the kids. Good luck...feel free to vent on here, or PM me, I'll listen...I have been dragged through the coals...the dust has since settled for him and I, and things have gotten a little bit better. Keep your chin up, and stay optimistic. You got this!!

[DivorcedDad123]

I'm in a no fault state, so everything gets divided equally

 

First,no fault doesn't mean that things are divided equally. If you're in a "community property" state, it would. No fault just means that neither is punished for the dissolution of marriage.

 

Do you work outside of the home? If so, alimony will most likely either , not be happening, or it'll be based on what your income is,length of marriage, his income, and lifestyle. You'll probably be made to provide a financial rundown of your income and all of your expenses,as will he.

 

Since you want the home, I'd look at negotitating him giving up any equity in the home,in lieu of spousal support. If it appears he'll HAVE to pay spousal support, offer him half of the equity in the home in return.

 

My ex wanted half of the equity,her legal fees paid,etc.,, She got nothing. Not even any furniture in the house,since she had "abandoned" it,per se. You might want to bring up that he abandoned the home and you've been the sole resident,with associated costs, for two years. If you've made any improvements to the home or maintenance repairs, keep the receipts for those as they'll come out of his portion of the equity.

[hromo]

lm happy to report that l got the house and monthly spousal payments. l carry the mortgage but retain all equity. lm very happy with the settlement. what a huge relief after 2 years of waiting and fighting but it was all worth it. Each and everyone that took their time to respond to me, lm beyond thankful. you all gave me the strength l needed to push through on my toughest days. may blessings and love come your way. l will pay it forward.