Unrequited love - long-term consequences

[No_Go]

5-6 years ago I fell for this man... I was in my early/mid 20s, virgin, completely unexperienced with men. He was 10 years my senior, in a divorce in that time, I was working directly for him, so there was no way to pursue anything further back then. But he was the wittiest person that I have ever met, with amazing eyes, smile, connecting with me on a very deep level. I was going out for lunch with him every single day for several months, just because he asked me to discuss "work". He stayed with me after work our every night, sharing all his secrets from the past and stories from his present. But we have never been intimate. Ever. In any way. I hoped he's just waiting for me to change jobs and we'd be together after that...

 

An year or two later he suddenly withdraw. On my birthday he gave me a surprise: that he now have a new girlfriend in another country. I though it is just a phase to pass but only a few months later he announced that his gf is pregnant. She moved to him and they got married.

 

Up to date I'm still thinking about him. I've had 3 relationships after him, and dated quite some guys, but I never felt as deeply connected. Maybe just once, and it was to a guy that quickly disappeared on me. It is on my mind that if this unrequited love "materialized" to a relationship, I'd probably have forgotten about him long time ago. But now I catch myself thinking that I missed something exceptional.

 

Anybody else with a similar experience? Do you think it is harder and slower to swallow unreciprocated love than a breakup of an actual relationship?

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Not sure I'm understanding. You were not in a relationship with him. You wanted to be in one, but that doesn't make it so. Most people don't hope or obsess over someone for too long. If you wanted him so badly, why didn't you ask him if he was interested in you? "Do you want to date me?" "I can get a different job, if that's an issue." Seems simple enough to me. Now he's with someone else, keeping him alive in your mind is only self torture. If you still work with him, I'd suggest getting a different job. Don't blow your next chance.

[No_Go]

This bridge is burned long time ago, he is married and I am also in a relationship. I also changed jobs and countries in the meanwhile.

 

My whole point was that: I didn't forget him because we have never actually been in a relationship. It just left the open and hanging the "what if?" question.

 

I was just wondering if anybody else has experienced similar emotional response, i.e. grieving for a relationship that never actually happened (despite that the desire was there) much much longer than for a relationship that happened and ended (I have to add that I recover from breakups quite fast)?

 

Not sure I'm understanding. You were not in a relationship with him. You wanted to be in one, but that doesn't make it so. Most people don't hope or obsess over someone for too long. If you wanted him so badly, why didn't you ask him if he was interested in you? "Do you want to date me?" "I can get a different job, if that's an issue." Seems simple enough to me. Now he's with someone else, keeping him alive in your mind is only self torture. If you still work with him, I'd suggest getting a different job. Don't blow your next chance.

[minimariah]

Do you think it is harder and slower to swallow unreciprocated love than a breakup of an actual relationship?

 

i wouldn't call it unreciprocated love... more like a love that was never realized. as in, that was never translated from a fantasy to reality and now you're stuck in the fantasy phase and that phase is always hard to get over because everything seems so fantastic and perfect. you're in love with the POTENTIAL of that man and the possible relationship.

 

my dear friend had a similar experience - met a dude who was going through a divorce at that time, they were getting closer and suddenly he dropped a bomb about a new partner on her. she was bummed about it for a long time until she found out that this new partner wasn't new at all - it was in fact the OW of the dude and he had left his W for her. all of that shocked my friend and caused her to break out from this fantasy, forgetting all about him almost instantly.

 

are you still in contact with him?

[loveflower]

I think there is no 'what if', because he simply didn't really love you. He was just using you to get over his divorce...to have somebody to talk to and to feel attractive.

 

like you said it's 'unrequited love', so where is this 'what if' come from?

[loveflower]

my dear friend had a similar experience - met a dude who was going through a divorce at that time, they were getting closer and suddenly he dropped a bomb about a new partner on her.

 

yup, using her to get over the stress of divorce

[minimariah]

yup, using her to get over the stress of divorce

 

i think so, too. maybe this new girlfriend wasn't new at all.

 

let's face it - when someone is truly interested, they make stuff happen. this dude wasn't a kid, he was older and i assume experienced and if he wanted anything with the OP, he would've made it happened.

 

it seems to me that he used her as a rebound without her being an actual rebound.

[No_Go]

Yes... You have a good point about the pain of the divorce.

 

I have wondered had he ever loved me. I thought he did, but couldn't act because of the circumstances. And just went for the more "convenient" option. There is the "what if": if I have told him back then that he's more important for me than the job etc etc, maybe we would have been together.

 

But again, you are most likely right.

 

 

I think there is no 'what if', because he simply didn't really love you. He was just using you to get over his divorce...to have somebody to talk to and to feel attractive.

 

like you said it's 'unrequited love', so where is this 'what if' come from?

[carhill]

My whole point was that: I didn't forget him because we have never actually been in a relationship. It just left the open and hanging the "what if?" question.

 

I was just wondering if anybody else has experienced similar emotional response, i.e. grieving for a relationship that never actually happened (despite that the desire was there) much much longer than for a relationship that happened and ended (I have to add that I recover from breakups quite fast)?

 

Sure, and I called it 'unfinished business' and worked a process to finish it in MC (counseling). Worked great. No residual effects and it was something which haunted me on occasion for nearly three decades. I suspect the strong emotional memory was due to the time of the emotional attachment (young) and the scope (erstwhile love interest later turning out to being married). Hey, if you feel stuck, try getting professional help. No harm in it. Your marriage or LTR could benefit.

[No_Go]

You are so right for the fantasy with the potential.

 

Indeed I'm still in contact with him,and we have a whole network of connections, so cutting contact is virtually impossible.

 

Thanks for sharing about your friend, sounds strikingly similar.

 

I actually would never even think of getting together with him, but the "leftover" thoughts of how beautiful it kind of stay on the way in my current relationship (I miss the intensity of the connection).

 

i wouldn't call it unreciprocated love... more like a love that was never realized. as in, that was never translated from a fantasy to reality and now you're stuck in the fantasy phase and that phase is always hard to get over because everything seems so fantastic and perfect. you're in love with the POTENTIAL of that man and the possible relationship.

 

my dear friend had a similar experience - met a dude who was going through a divorce at that time, they were getting closer and suddenly he dropped a bomb about a new partner on her. she was bummed about it for a long time until she found out that this new partner wasn't new at all - it was in fact the OW of the dude and he had left his W for her. all of that shocked my friend and caused her to break out from this fantasy, forgetting all about him almost instantly.

 

are you still in contact with him?

[No_Go]

Wow almost 30 YEARS! Great that you got over it!!

 

I'm indeed considering to discuss it with my psychologist. You're right about the timing and scope. I was not only young, this was the first person that I got attracted to. He was acting as a bf despite he wasn't: e.g. he took me out for dinner with his parents (I also met many of his out of work friends). The fact that he told me that he's moving on to someone else on my birthday still haunts me. And also the fact that they married so quickly although she was living in another country over their whole dating period, it seemed so unreal.

 

Anyway, great to hear that I'm not the only one obsessing with "unfinished business", and moreover, that there is a way out.

 

Sure, and I called it 'unfinished business' and worked a process to finish it in MC (counseling). Worked great. No residual effects and it was something which haunted me on occasion for nearly three decades. I suspect the strong emotional memory was due to the time of the emotional attachment (young) and the scope (erstwhile love interest later turning out to being married). Hey, if you feel stuck, try getting professional help. No harm in it. Your marriage or LTR could benefit.

[minimariah]

I was not only young, this was the first person that I got attracted to.

 

yeah, this probably plays a huge role in the situation.

he was your first, first connection, first special someone.

 

yeah, the fact that he told you that on your birthday is... weird. was he with this woman while married/while he was "dating" you or is she someone he really met later? also, did he ever made any moves? suggested that he has any romantic interest for you?

 

what is your communication with him now like? friendly...? i'm asking because maybe you could ask him Qs you want answers to, in order to move on? i know how you feel, i don't even think you're in love with him anymore or want to get together with him... but you probably can't let go of the fantasy & potential. like someone said, unfinished business - you need closure.

[Elif]

I guess I have a similar experience. When I was 19 I fell in love with someone. I was also inexperienced at the time. He got a girlfriend at some point, and I was extremely disappointed and sad for a long time. We didnt cut contact because I didnt want to admit to myself and to him how deeply I really felt about him. Time passed and sometimes I didnt speak to him for over a month but I just couldnt forget him.

 

Long story short all of this lasted about 7 years, in this time we became really good friends, we talked about everything, we even had a sexual relationship at some point but nothing ever really happened. He was also a generally negative and depressed person ( as was I.. we were pretty much on the same waveleght ) and at some point he said that we just keep going round and round without anything really happening or something always being in the way and that its time we just stop talking. I didnt hear from him for 3 years until he popped back into my life saying he misses me and feels like an idiot for letting me go and all the mistakes he made.

 

I forgave him and I still felt immense attraction for him and things started going again... without nothing real ever happening. I finally got my closure when he said that he never ever really wants to be together with me, even though he likes me a lot and doesnt want to lose me... that I was his best friend.

 

I cut contact and havent spoken to him since. It was a year ago. It took a while to finally understand that Its never going to happen. Ive had a few guys in my life, and ive felt different things for each of them but never quite fell in love like that. I dont expect to ever feel like that again, even though most of the "relationship" was in my head. I am 27 now.

 

I think it will be hard to move on without proper closure.. I think it is important to hear a straight "no" from him... otherwise you will just keep hoping or thinking something will change... just maybe.. maybe one day. 3 years of no contact didnt help me because I never had a proper closure.. I never heard "no I dont want to be with you" from him before... I think you may need the same.

Edited June 24, 2015 by Elif

[Tribble]

Ah the hope. The killer of being able to move on. And once you have, once you are over them, it's the closure you never have. You never had a relationship, never gave it a go, so it never failed. If things had been different, if circumstances had changed, if you'd behaved differently it might have been the most amazing experience of your life. But things weren't different so you'll never know.

 

 

It's really difficult (for some people) to let these things go. Trust me, I know. I loved someone for 3 years when we couldn't be together. I've moved on now and I'm happy, with an amazing guy. But those scars, that erosion of your self esteem (is it me? It can't be circumstances, it must be me! But if I do this or that, things might be different), the despair, leave their marks. The unfairness of the situation is difficult to deal with. For me, those years were wasted and hurt and damaged me. At least with a relationship, usually, you can see where and why it failed (at least eventually) and you have the good times to counter the hurt so it's not all a waste. Not so in this case.

 

 

So OP no, you're not alone. And quite clearly I cannot help lol.

[No_Go]

* was he with this woman while married/while he was "dating" you or is she someone he really met later?

 

He met the new woman very soon after the divorce. But he told me that they have met 10 years before that, although they have been just acquaintances in grad school.

 

*also, did he ever made any moves? suggested that he has any romantic interest for you?

 

Introduced me to many of his friends. Used to call/text me any time of the day. Got me out for dinner with his parents...

 

*what is your communication with him now like? friendly...?

 

Cold and professional. I can't discuss private stuff with him anymore, because I don't feel close to him anymore. And he changed DRASTICALLY - he was a roller coaster of emotions before (which I loved), and now he is ...apathetic, calm, uninteresting. I'm thinking I'd never had a spark with him if I met him today. And that he changed into his current mode of existence after he met this new woman (who looks perfect - on paper, but is has completely flat personality... same to the one he impersonates now).

 

yeah, this probably plays a huge role in the situation.

he was your first, first connection, first special someone.

 

yeah, the fact that he told you that on your birthday is... weird. was he with this woman while married/while he was "dating" you or is she someone he really met later? also, did he ever made any moves? suggested that he has any romantic interest for you?

 

what is your communication with him now like? friendly...? i'm asking because maybe you could ask him Qs you want answers to, in order to move on? i know how you feel, i don't even think you're in love with him anymore or want to get together with him... but you probably can't let go of the fantasy & potential. like someone said, unfinished business - you need closure.

[No_Go]

Yes - that summarizes how I feel. I feel very uncomfortable admitting this to myself, but the feelings to my current and ex bf-s are not quite as strong. I thought it is the cynic side of aging (i'm turning 31 soon)... but it very well could be the lack of closure in combination with different stages of life.

 

Ive had a few guys in my life, and ive felt different things for each of them but never quite fell in love like that. I dont expect to ever feel like that again, even though most of the "relationship" was in my head. I am 27 now.

[elaine567]

He met the new woman very soon after the divorce. But he told me that they have met 10 years before that, although they have been just acquaintances in grad school.

 

Maybe she was his "unrequited love" from grad school.

[No_Go]

Maybe she was his "unrequited love" from grad school.

 

Ha I though about it... But in this time he was with a vibrant, gorgeous, exciting woman (his now ex-wife, who I'm sure he dearly loved), and this old-new lady is just so ...emotionally flat at best, that choosing her over his now ex-wife seems unrealistic.