Mjm1014 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 My girlfriend and I just got in a big argument and need some opinions. My girl and I have been dating almost 3 months (she's 23, lives at home, and I'm 28), and the first month and a half she constantly wanted to come over to my place, have sex, go on dates, cook dinner, basically she always wanted to spend alone time together. About a month and a half ago, that suddenly changed...she no longer wants to come over, and she ALWAYS invites me to hang out with her parents. I'm gone about 18 days out of the month for work, and on my off days they are always spent at her house with her family. Last time she was over (she's been over once this entire month), she didn't even seem like she wanted to make out. I'm defiantly not looking for just sex, but I want to treat this like a relationship and act like couples should. Today, when I confronted her and asked her why she's been like this she started crying and saying I'm thinking into things too much and making her feel like a ****ty girlfriend. She's coming over tonight I feel like out of guilt, but I can tell she's less than thrilled. For the record, I've asked her on multiple dates this month, buy her things, but she always says last minute, "come over to my house my moms making dinner for us".....we've been on one date one on one all month. She tells me she "loves me" and "doesn't want to lose me" but I feel like I get no affection anymore. Maybe she's just super close to her family? Ever since I met them a month and a half ago, we get zero time together since I'm always invited over to her house and she never wants to go out or come over. Tips, suggestions??? Am I being unreasonable? It's her sudden change of behavior that really bothers me:(
Keenly Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 It's pretty suspicious that she goes right to the teary eyes and the guilt trip when all you did was ask why things changed. Somethings up. Either she is bored with the relatrelationship but I'm thinking there is something else. Either another guy or she just wants you to do only what she wants. I wouldn't be hanging out with the parents / family at 28 if she wouldn't even come over to spend any alone time.with me. Just note that this behavior won't go away, and it's never, ever going to go back to what it was in the beginning. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Strange. Her reaction is a bit dramatic, given the topic of discussion. No, I don't think you're being unreasonable and at 3 months, it looks like too much drama. I think there's something more to this that she's not telling you. I wonder if someone else is in the picture. It's clear she doesn't want to be alone with you. Tonight you need to have a very honest talk with her. Explain that you value her and your relationship and thus need more time alone together. You can tell her that while you like her family just fine and don't mind getting together occasionally, you don't feel that always hanging out with them is appropriate. Ask her to explain what's going on. Crying and claiming she feels guilty isn't an explanation. She still hasn't told you why her behaviour has changed, has she?
Author Mjm1014 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 Nope, she just starts the guilt trip and making me feel like I'm causing drama. It is drama, but I think it needs to be said. I have suspision that maybe her ex is back in the picture, but it doesn't make sense to me that she wants me around her family so much if she doesn't see this going anywhere. I'm so mentally draining thinking about this, and upset she doesnt even act excited spending alone time together
Gaeta Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Is there a cultural element behind all this? Are you from the same culture? Why not negotiate 1-2 nights a week at your place? Something specific.
Keenly Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Is there a cultural element behind all this? Are you from the same culture? Why not negotiate 1-2 nights a week at your place? Something specific. 23 is a little old to have regular boyfriend get togethers with the family. Special occasions and events, sure, but every single time they hang out? Even if it was every other time, or every third time, that's still too much family when it should just be the two of them.
Author Mjm1014 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Posted June 23, 2015 Yeah I really don't know what to do short of breaking up with her. That's the last thing i want to do too. I just don't know what to think, or if I'm thinking into things too much. I mean we text constantly and talk on the phone when I'm gone and she still wants to see me when I'm home...it's just not one on one anymore
ExpatInItaly Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Yeah I really don't know what to do short of breaking up with her. That's the last thing i want to do too. I just don't know what to think, or if I'm thinking into things too much. I mean we text constantly and talk on the phone when I'm gone and she still wants to see me when I'm home...it's just not one on one anymore It's evolving into a friendship. Unless you are ok with that, talk to her tonight. You're not thinking into things too much, don't let her tell you that. Something isn't right here and she needs to open up and help you understand what the problem is.
elaine567 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I know she is 23, but could her parents have pulled the plug on her visiting you all the time?
empresario Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 The side of me that travels is screaming RUN FAST. Whenever sex suddenly stops in a relationship (not dwindles, abruptly halts), it has meant there is someone else in the picture in my experience. However, it doesn't mean that other experience was a positive one. Tread lightly. An over-the-top emotional response could mean someone hurt her and she just hasn't been ready to tell you about it or thinks it's too early to make it your problem. I don't think that's the case...but it could be. Just be aware. Also, count me as curious as to how you deal with family dinners in a 28/23 relationship? I mean...maybe in a long-term committed relationship. But at month 3 it should be about getting into a rhythm with that person.
empresario Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 One more thing... When there's another guy that early in the relationship (not including rape/molestation) always look to the ex-boyfriend. It's around month 2-3 where the boomerang ex always seems to rear up their ugly head.
fitnessfan365 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 It all stems back to what I said in your other thread. Your GF got more comfortable and wasn't putting in quite as much effort as before. Since a relationship is about mutual interest, you're supposed to mirror her actions and pull back a bit when this happens. But you got insecure and started overcompensating. Now that you're buying her things all the time, being way too nice, and over pursuing her, it's making her feel smothered. My advice? Contact her a few hours before and change plans. Tell her that you're in the mood for her mom's cooking and it'd be nice if you spend time with her family tonight instead. Then after tonight, give her some space. Go no contact as long as it takes for her to reach out to you. When she does, cut to the chase, invite her over to your place, and then be really sexually assertive with her. After that, go back to being yourself and stop trying so hard.
mystikmind2005 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Looks like she lost the 'feeling' but still does not want to lose the relationship. This is where your relationship is tested if it can survive with the training wheels of infatuation removed? You need to decide if you will step up or step off.
Redhead14 Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 My girlfriend and I just got in a big argument and need some opinions. My girl and I have been dating almost 3 months (she's 23, lives at home, and I'm 28), and the first month and a half she constantly wanted to come over to my place, have sex, go on dates, cook dinner, basically she always wanted to spend alone time together. About a month and a half ago, that suddenly changed...she no longer wants to come over, and she ALWAYS invites me to hang out with her parents. I'm gone about 18 days out of the month for work, and on my off days they are always spent at her house with her family. Last time she was over (she's been over once this entire month), she didn't even seem like she wanted to make out. I'm defiantly not looking for just sex, but I want to treat this like a relationship and act like couples should. Today, when I confronted her and asked her why she's been like this she started crying and saying I'm thinking into things too much and making her feel like a ****ty girlfriend. She's coming over tonight I feel like out of guilt, but I can tell she's less than thrilled. For the record, I've asked her on multiple dates this month, buy her things, but she always says last minute, "come over to my house my moms making dinner for us".....we've been on one date one on one all month. She tells me she "loves me" and "doesn't want to lose me" but I feel like I get no affection anymore. Maybe she's just super close to her family? Ever since I met them a month and a half ago, we get zero time together since I'm always invited over to her house and she never wants to go out or come over. Tips, suggestions??? Am I being unreasonable? It's her sudden change of behavior that really bothers me:( She smothered herself very early in the relationship by being there all the time. You travel alot and when you were gone she likely realized that perhaps things were moving too quickly. She's pulling back to "recover". Now, she's overcompensating for having been with you so much. She's been out of her comfort zone and now retreating to that. It was moving too fast. You've been seeing each other for 90 days and you've been traveling say half of that time, so really you've on been together technically for, say 45 days, a month and a half. The connection gets lost a little bit too when a couple is apart often or for extended periods of time when it's so early in the dating scenario. I'd say give it a little space. Don't go to her house and don't bring her to your house at least often for a bit. Invite her out on public dates again, kinda start over. If she refuses, I'd move on. She's pretty young, still living at home, probably isn't experienced at dating and having a relationship and/or doesn't have good life skills yet. Her crying and guilting you is a sign that's she's really not mature enough to maintain a relationship yet. That is how a young girl reacts when she feels she's being criticized by her father.
salparadise Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 When sex stops at the three month milestone it's definitely not a good sign. Of course you know that much. The question is why, and is it resolvable. I'm wondering to what degree she is under the influence of her parents, their attitudes and the nature of her relationship with them. Do they know that she's sexually active or is there a pretense of chastity/virginity? I wonder if they started slut-shaming her for spending time alone with you at your apartment, and her need for their approval is paramount? Did she stay overnight before or always go home at the time she was expected to? I'm guessing that the parents are a significant factor in all of this somehow. 2
Villainous Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 My money is on there being another guy in the picture. She became emotional because she feels guilty. The next step will likely be her blaming it on you.
darkmoon Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 you are being chaperoned by her family, she likes it or she'd stop, at least they like you so far what are youre intentions towards her? a screw? marriage? mmm?
brandonstellar Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 I'm assuming she's bored and maybe the attraction of the relationship is gone for her. It could be that she needs some new excitement or spark in the relationship. You might have pushed her away at some point or she might have overthought somethings. I understand sex is important to you, though it's not the most important part of a relationship, it is a strong want for some people. I have a review of a system that allows you to put the spark back into the relationship and have your girlfriend back into your bed again. You most likely aren't doing something right. This system gives off 4 key factors that are needed to have long lasting relationships with sex. If you're interested in seeing the review I have posted, it's here. It's personally helped me when my girlfriend was on the verge of leaving me for someone else.
jen1447 Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 To everyone who's offering input that suggests some sort of deceit and unhappy ending, can you please fill in the blanks of the following sentence? Things look bleak for ____________ reason, and OP's GF invites him over to hang out with her and her parents 7 days a week. These two things make sense together because ____________.
fitnessfan365 Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 The OP made another thread somewhat recently. It focused on how she wasn't doing as many nice things, buying him stuff, or texting him as much. In other words she got more comfortable. But instead of mirroring her actions and backing off a bit, he tried to force it. Bought her things all the time, did too many nice things, and over pursued her. Since he started being WAY more into it than she was, that's why I am guessing her attraction dropped and why she's acting this way. It all stems back to his insecurity.
jen1447 Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 So she wants to see him every day at her parents house because her attraction dropped?
LifeandPerseverance Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 (edited) I'm wondering to what degree she is under the influence of her parents, their attitudes and the nature of her relationship with them. Do they know that she's sexually active or is there a pretense of chastity/virginity? I wonder if they started slut-shaming her for spending time alone with you at your apartment, and her need for their approval is paramount? Did she stay overnight before or always go home at the time she was expected to? I'm guessing that the parents are a significant factor in all of this somehow. Bingo! I'm 23 and this is EXACTLY something my parents do. And have always done. The "you shouldn't be spending time alone at a boy's apartment" etc and the "I believed in you". Because we all know...Ain't nobody gonna wife you if you aren't a virgin! (clearly I'm being sarcastic--but this is truly and sincerely my parents' perspective). Frankly? They could just be on to her, and making it difficult for her to spend time with you alone without threats. Are they super religious? If so, this is probably it. But at 3 months, she should be comfortable with you enough to tell you if this is what's going on. My parents have made it as difficult as possible, when dating someone, for me to spend time over at their place. Edited June 24, 2015 by LifeandPerseverance 2
fitnessfan365 Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 So she wants to see him every day at her parents house because her attraction dropped? She's taking sex out of the equation by never wanting to be alone with him.
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