unable to let go of a guy, in need of

[happywannabe]

hi everyone

I have just come across this website and reading through posts. i thought i could get some advice or insight on my situation

i made a huge mistake by allowing a guy who has been pursuing me to be intimate with me. i thought at the beginning i could handle a friends with benefit relationship, didn't really have feelings for him so i said why not..however i was wrong. i fell for this guy really hard. he told me he had a gf and was not looking for a relationship when i told him months later how i felt..i should have ended it then but he wouldn't want to stop being intimate with me and stupidly i agreed.

 

We continued seeing each other weekly and i kept falling into this trap deeper and deeper. he fed me lies about how he's not happy with his gf and if he was single he would be with me. well he broke up with his gf few times and each time i thought finally i can get my chance - i'm not proud of what i did but unfortunately my feeling for him was stronger so i continued. fast forward to 4 years later i'm still stuck. the problem is i know what needs to be done to move on - no contact, remove all items etc..but where the problem lies is this - we work together. in same office i see him daily and it's a very small office i hear everything he says he wants to be friend and i don't know what to do. i feel so lonely i honestly have no friends here i can confide into and because our relationship is hidden (of course cause he has gf) i cannot confide in most people because of the implications - he has gf and a child each time i decide to go no contact i end up literally begging him to speak to me because i feel very empty without him in my life and i'm afraid to lose him.

 

I feel like i'm totally addicted to him and i don't know how to deal with it. it's so hard to move on when you see the person 8 hours daily, having constant remainder of how things were between us, unfulfilled love and the thought i wasted 4 years of my life waiting for something that will not happen. i'm thinking of doing hypnosis to help me move on, anyone has any experience with it? anyone in a similar situation and moved on - how did you manage to stay no contact? for me it is not possible to just go no contact the office would pick up the vibe as we used to be very close talking and joking with each other.

 

I find it very hard, i'm depressed over it and don't know how to cut this circle. feels like i'm never gonna be happy and move on..leaving job is not an option for me and he's not wanting to leave (i have very difficult circumstances that are not allowing me to leave my current job for a while hence why i cannot just look for another job)...feel so hopeless whilst he is enjoying his life im at home suffering and crying daily..

Edited June 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[preraph]

What is it about you that would make you fall for a guy you know for sure cheats on his girlfriend? Aren't you worth more than to go after a guy like that? There is no way he would ever be faithful to you because he knows you are a girl who will sleep with a guy who is already taken, so going in, he can have no respect for you either. This is why it is doomed.

 

Ask yourself why, when there are literally a billion men in the world, you consciously picked one who is a cheater and who you knew didn't want anything but sex instead of one who at least might have a chance of treating you right and actually be capable of feelings.

 

Every minute you spend waiting for this guy is time wasted that you are literally going to beat yourself up for 5 years from now when you could have been happy instead.

[happywannabe]

thank you for your reply.this is exactly it - i do know he's not worth it and that he would never be faithful but my heart and head are still too much into him..this is why i'm asking how to stop it i found that each time i go on holiday and not see him for a while i feel strong but then again when i come back to work and i see him i fall back into depression. i honestly know he's a...hole but i cannot understand why it is so hard for me to let go of him completely...i've read so many self help books and tried different techniques nothing seems to help. feels like i'm doomed to stay in this circle forever i know it sounds very negative but this man totally brought my self esteem to zero...

[Versacehottie]

ok well when i see how you are describing your situation, you are basically telling us (and yourself) that you have NO options. No options to leave the job, no options because your heart is tied to this guy. The best way to make your emptiness go away is to work on creating the options for yourself. I think it's tough to self-help and "think" your way out of this predicament. You need action. The self-help books and support can be supplements to actions if that works for you. However, I think sometimes wallowing by discussing your feeling even with a trusted friend or some self help exercise can perpetuate the problem. You need action, first and foremost.

 

Work on the job part first priority. If you are prepping for interviews, researching job options and networking for a new position, you will have less time to focus on your misery with him. You feel empty without him because you have made him your everything. Devote a significant amount of your free time to changing your circumstances. You are in a passive position now. Once you start being proactive things will feel better and then it becomes a positive cycle. As soon as you are able (emotionally stable), start dating. Don't say "i can't" about any of this. Say "how can I?" and start brainstorming. Even if the ideas are farfetched at first. Give it this weekend to figure out what your ideal life would be like and then break it down into steps. You can do it!! Good luck.

 

ps you don't even need to be focused on getting over him. Just focus on what you want to have and do in your life and work toward that. You clearly already know he is not what you want although you are still attached to him. Don't give him more real estate in your brain.

[preraph]

You probably are prone to a kind of dependency so that you just want someone so bad that you're not discriminating, so that's something you will have to work on with yourself. No contact is the way to go here. I myself was very obsessive, so I understand how it can be and also how many mixed signals you get. But you have to go by his actions. And his actions are such that if you got him, you'd be miserable with him and would never be able to trust him and he'd probably disrespect you in many ways. So you need to just force yourself to not see him. Block all social media, block him from your phone or else change numbers, avoid seeing him and just do this to force yourself to refocus. It's best while trying to do that to also not focus on all that. Do all the blocking but then after that, don't dwell on that every day. Instead, make yourself go out with friends as often as possible to get involved in other things. Take night courses or anything to distract yourself, like joining a gym. But stay busy. Your brain is in a rut and the best way to get it out of a rut is to block him and then crowd out all those obsessive thoughts of him by creating many new fun memories with friends. Travel if you can. For me, that always gave me some perspective so that my world didn't seem so small and made me realize how much there was to do and see and so many people to meet.

 

So it takes discipline, but make yourself do it to get past this right away.

[happywannabe]

thank you both for taking time to respond to me.

unfortunately i'm unable to leave the job - the situation is a bit complicated the company is however fantastic and have helped me financially (i can pay off monthly and at amounts i can afford) which is also part of the reason but the job i have is absolutely fantastic- something i would honestly not want to lose i have great job with great benefits (best i've had for the past 15 years) fantastic benefits so this is also why i'm saying leaving is not an option for me right now and something i would't want. (i did ask him though if he would consider looking for another job but he will not leave for the same reasons - too good job to leave great benefits, great pay, etc)

 

this is why my question was mostly how to move on from someone you work with and whether hypnotherapy would help.

 

i am totally aware of the fact that only i can change the situation by doing some action. some situations are not allowing no contact (if both live in the same house for example or share kids - there is still some contact. my hope was for some people to share some tips how they managed to move on.

 

i reread my post and noticed how negative i sound. thinking back 4 years ago i was such a positive and optimistic person never before knew what depression meant...i need to get back to that state somehow.

thank you for your insights

[Versacehottie]

thank you both for taking time to respond to me.

unfortunately i'm unable to leave the job - the situation is a bit complicated the company is however fantastic and have helped me financially (i can pay off monthly and at amounts i can afford) which is also part of the reason but the job i have is absolutely fantastic- something i would honestly not want to lose i have great job with great benefits (best i've had for the past 15 years) fantastic benefits so this is also why i'm saying leaving is not an option for me right now and something i would't want. (i did ask him though if he would consider looking for another job but he will not leave for the same reasons - too good job to leave great benefits, great pay, etc)

 

this is why my question was mostly how to move on from someone you work with and whether hypnotherapy would help.

 

i am totally aware of the fact that only i can change the situation by doing some action. some situations are not allowing no contact (if both live in the same house for example or share kids - there is still some contact. my hope was for some people to share some tips how they managed to move on.

 

i reread my post and noticed how negative i sound. thinking back 4 years ago i was such a positive and optimistic person never before knew what depression meant...i need to get back to that state somehow.

thank you for your insights

 

ok, if you are really not going to leave the job, you need to focus on the next part of your transition. I would work on getting a promotion there and paying down your debt to them--that will keep you better occupied at work.

 

You can try a multi-pronged approach including the hypnotherapy and some other things to move on from him. I still think even if you do hypnotherapy and the like if you focus on "removing him from your life" as a goal he will still be in it. Get it? It's like a double negative. Focus will still be on him and without anything of substance that takes up you time and thoughts on other things besides him, you may still get stuck or have a hard time moving on.

 

So next should be some hobbies and dating if you can manage it. If you can't manage dating just yet put yourself on a short timetable to get there. Do everything you can to get yourself in best shape possible, and plan your attack of dating. I'm not the hugest fan of online dating but I think in your case it would be good. You need to be on multiple dates. That said, unless you go with the motivation to have fun and keep an open mind and enjoy the attention OR even a funny disaster story, it can possibly deflate you. If you do this or even on regular dating just try to not compare the new guys to this guy. Realize it will maybe take time to feel that closeness with someone else so don't put such expectations on it. Think of it more like making new friends and you set the pace you are comfortable with. Hobbies, especially active ones, like exercise related, should be an immediate must do. Good luck

[happywannabe]

this is exactly what i'm going to do - work on getting into shape, get some new hobbies. thank you for this. i will do hypnotherapy as well. and start dating...must be active as you said to get him out of my mind and make something alse my focus instead.

 

in fact reading this forum past few days really opened my eyes...wish i came across it before and read advices from people some stories are similar to mine and at least i can see how my story would end...never good way. especially when guys who are not single are involved.

 

thank you for your advice

[preraph]

I worked for 10 years with someone I had trouble getting over. The only answer is self-discipline. It won't be fun. You have to be polite and that's it. You have to be cooperative. You are the only person who can control you. It's up to you to get some maturity and self-discipline and make that decision rather than continuing to go the easy route of letting your emotions misguide you.

 

If you could open your eyes, you'd see he isn't worth the time you've already spent on him. He's a mess who cheats on the woman he's committed to. That's who he's always going to be. Years from now you'll count your lucky stars you didn't get more entangled with this guy and end up being the one he really hurt and cheated on, who can probably never get him out of her life if they had kids.

 

You're just letting your emotions pull you into the gutter for no reason here. Emotions are not your only tool. You also have logic and hopefully care for your own well being so that you make decisions that benefit rather than hurt you. If you find yourself truly helpless in this situation and that you are unable to see him for what he is but only what you hoped he'd be, that's delusional, and you might need some help with it.

 

All this kind of stuff takes a toll on you. One day you're either going to wish you didn't opt to add stressful years to your life by holding onto this job where you are obsessed with someone, or you're going to wish you'd been of sound enough mind to forget all about him and discount him for what he really is, which is not someone good enough to make a life with, and then get on with your job. One way or another, he's probably going to make work and advancement hard for you. Remember it's easier to get a job when you already have one.

[Versacehottie]

so I was thinking about you today at lunch and wondering how you were doing? I echo what preraph said. Would it help if you keep posting updates here so you can truly see your progress? It kinda helps to be accountable (not that you owe anyone but yourself). However, when you are showing other people you tend to make progress from an emotional situation.

 

Really think about for a moment how much of a cheater this guy is. You wouldn't want to be with someone like that. It's such an unstable existence, a hollow man, if you will. A bad future for you even if you were able to "attain" him. His gf doesn't really have a prize there. I will tell you that not too long ago a long time friend told me he was interested in dating me. We had been a little flirty the previous times we'd seen each other. The missing part of the story is that he told me this after a night out and the first time I met his 2 year gf who he lives with--who couldn't have been more gorgeous, lovely and seemingly absolutely loyal and in love with him. As much as this guy has going on for him and over the length of time that it would appear that his interest in me was genuine, for the fact alone that this is cheater behavior, I was not at all interested in him. 99.9% sure of it even if they ending up breaking up the next day. My point is that my friend was showing his true character. Why would I even want to be with someone who would do that to his gf, in that way too!! The guy you like has given you several years of evidence of his character. Yuck, seriously, yuck.

 

I know you said your job was great and benefits etc. At a certain point though you will have to think about the overall quality of your life. It sounds like this is really overshadowing EVERYTHING!! That's not good at all. No amount of benefits are worth giving up your life for last 4 years if you can't get past this. I have confidence you will get past it with persistence, dedication and discipline. Most of the time our emotions take us out of a schedule and a routine. What you need to do right away is put a schedule and routine in place that will mitigate space and time to worry about him and your future. I guarantee if you find a new guy that you are really interested in, you will not be upset over him anymore. You have to commit to the hard work though. You can make it less hard by putting a routine in place. Seriously in calendar or agenda, schedule all of your free time for a week. Even if it's relaxing free time, write down how you are going to spend it. (researching hobbies, hyponotherapy, taking a nap, reading a book, watching a show). Hopefully slowly it will shift to more social things like dating or meeting up with friends or hobby activities but the point is you will be dictating your own life not in a "waiting" state. If you take it week by week, you can adjust as your life evolves a bit. Plus to take too much on will make it feel like too much. It doesn't even matter too much if you deviate from your schedule but at least you will be able to feel like you are important and making your own decisions and have the power of choice, which I think is the bigger issue going on here. When presented with options from others (or even dueling voices in your head), YOU will be making the choices for your life in a conscious way. It's very powerful and that's an important step. (plus it will be important to have a more full calendar when you are dating).

 

I think most of the time when I hear stories like yours, it's because the person has a "getting taken advantage of" problem. I'm not saying the guy is blameless at all but who cares about his issues. In all of the rest of your life, some person or another will be trying to out-power you to get what they want. That is just the nature of life! So what can you do to combat it? Be prepared. You have to work every day to put strategies and real life stuff in place so people will not take advantage or see you as someone they can do these sorts of things to. That's why I say the schedule thing is smart. You book yourself up for a week based on things you want to do, people you want to see and goals you want to attain. It's an active solution (not just in the mind or crossing your fingers and hoping things get better). Then when being asked to compromise, you will have a black and white decision to make. In other words, you are not just letting life happen to you. You are happening to it. This is just one of the first steps but it's something you can do right away before new friends and new bf are in place. And before you have to negotiate the trickier areas within a relationship. It helps you to practice (god I hate this word) boundaries. I like to think of it also as getting in touch with your real goals and scheduling true way to get there. You can't just leave all this stuff in the mind. You need "real" practice and without significant relationships to work on, you can practice with yourself. Let's face it, that's the most important relationship there is anyhow. And you need to gather strength in these areas before embarking on a new relationship.

 

Keep posting your concerns and progress and I'm happy to try to help!! Good luck

[Versacehottie]

at least i can see how my story would end...never good way. especially when guys who are not single are involved.

 

thank you for your advice

 

Oh I would add, your story has every possibility to ending in an excellent way. Give yourself credit. You are right here taking steps and figuring out how to move on. You ARE on your way to the ending you want