Probably doesn't feel that way but just checking!

[rara]

Hey guys,

 

I have a male friend who I thought dropped some hints that he like me a while back - maybe 8 months or so ago. We've been friends forever. I'm so slow on all of this / it was unexpected that I may just be making this up in my head. He basically asked about my plans for my love life. Anyway I kind of shut it down because I wasn't sure about dating him. My feelings then changed (I wrote about this before) and I didn't know how to drop hints and I was advised to try and meet with him and see what happens. He is out of town for a long time so I don't really get to see him so this would be hard. He does call me a lot though.

 

Anyway it looked like the situation might change as he said he'd come on holiday with me. I totally thought it would happen on holiday but it didn't Just the two of us, traveling around for 2 weeks, sharing bedrooms (not beds) and nada. We acted like a married couple in all ways except one. I mean NOTHING AT ALL. I'm totally confused, was he waiting for me to do something as he possibly had made a move prior and thought he'd just look creepy trying it on in a foreign country? But it wasn't really a proper move (if anything at all) so I don't know what gives there.

 

He was weird at times during the trip. Like once we were going to dinner so I put on this dress - nothing fancy and no OTT makeup but compared to the red sweaty face and jeans he had seen to date I guess I did look nice! Anyway he said 'you look nice' was normal for like 2 minutes then acted like a total idiot all night. He barely spoke to me, walked off quickly in front of me, crossed the road without me leaving me standing on the other side (though he did wait and then walk off again). So I made the only assumption I could make, that he thought I was dressing up for him and he should make it clear that he didn't want anything to happen. At the end of the trip he mentioned that evening saying I had been sulking! (Not true!! I was totally happy and ready to enjoy an evening out). What was that about?

 

Part of me thinks if you really do not find a female friend attractive why go on holiday just the two of you? I don't think he's been away alone with a female friend before so it is a special situation for both of us. Then on the plane back he complained the guy in front was reclining so he moved seats away from me! I was alone for this long flight. I figured he didn't want to spend hours sitting next me and used that as a lame excuse. When we changed airplanes to our respective towns he gave me a super tight hug and when I landed there were 2 random pictures of the airport he landed in (of posters of an animal he knows I don't like) whatsapped to me, I replied, then he messaged about his crazy taxi ride home and then 'great trip, thanks'.

 

I don't think he has a ton of experience, could that play a part? Or is he just not that into me and acted all weird because he was freaked out that I'd jump on him in the middle of the night of something? lol

 

Also, I really need to know. Should I just ask him straight up? I so nearly did on holiday but couldn't get the courage.

[La.Primavera]

Obviously I don't know much about your friendship apart from what you have shared so I'm just going to give you my opinion based on a few points you raised.

 

He barely spoke to me, walked off quickly in front of me, crossed the road without me leaving me standing on the other side (though he did wait and then walk off again). So I made the only assumption I could make, that he thought I was dressing up for him and he should make it clear that he didn't want anything to happen.

 

I think your instincts are right. If he wanted things to be romantic then that scenario could have been the perfect opportunity to take things further, even just holding your hand as you walked across the street. His is behaviour would be consistent with someone who felt uncomfortable being in date type situation and wanted to make it clear that things were strictly platonic.

 

At the end of the trip he mentioned that evening saying I had been sulking! (Not true!! I was totally happy and ready to enjoy an evening out). What was that about?

 

It sounds like he was shifting the blame for tension of that evening. Perhaps he sensed your confusion and disappointment over his actions that night so he wanted to address the elephant in the room without really addressing it. The fact he called it sulking was a poor choice of words on his part.

 

Then on the plane back he complained the guy in front was reclining so he moved seats away from me! I was alone for this long flight. I figured he didn't want to spend hours sitting next me and used that as a lame excuse.

 

It is possible that after spending two weeks with someone he just needed some space. Airplanes are cramped and the guy leaning back didn't help. He just needed some time alone. If he doesn't have romantic feelings then he wouldn't mind the separation, whereas if he was interested he might have been more inclined to stay close to you.

 

was he waiting for me to do something as he possibly had made a move prior and thought he'd just look creepy trying it on in a foreign country?

 

When a guy is really interested and he knows you are available then he won't be able to hide it. Even if he didn't make a move on the trip he would be making other gestures that indicated his interest. What you have described indicates the complete opposite. Two single people who fancy each other and spend every night alone together should have resulted in some closeness, not sex necessarily, but something. It is really telling that nothing happened.

 

It really sounds like you are in the friend zone. I'm sorry but everything you described indicates he was setting friendship boundaries during the trip. It is admirable that he didn't take advantage of the situation. He obviously cares about your friendship a lot. He just isn't very tactful some times. Personally, I would prefer that to a guy that plays games and flirts to boost his own ego.

 

I think you have a genuine friendship with this guy and I think that is why he wanted to go on holiday with you. He thinks you are a cool chick and likes your company. He isn't the one though. I would keep him as a friend and find another guy to date.

[rara]

Thanks for the awesome response. You're so right and really helpful. Before I accept your advice and dive into OLD the only thing I'm wondering about is whether the behaviour was down to a kind of awkwardness?

 

We've been friends for years, same hometown but different college and work cities. We've had a long distance friendship I guess.

 

His 'move' if you can call it that was 'I'm looking for a girlfriend. What do you want to do with your love life? Are you looking for a boyfriend?' I said 'not really' because I was a little taken aback. However, body language before and after was good. We'd walk down the street and his arm would be touching mine all the time etc.

 

I'm clearly one of his 'best buds' he calls me a lot, a couple of years when he made a major work move he called me 30 mins after the event. In the past we've gone out for dinner (just the two of us) with me dressed up a little with makeup and he's had the flirty, arm touching behaviour. So I'm not sure why he suddenly freaked out when we went out alone to dinner on holiday.

 

Then we go on holiday and boom it's all different. What gives? Or was it me? I was not sure right until the end of the holiday if it could work between us, so possibly I was giving some vibes of not being 100% sure? Like we got different flights out and I was sitting down when he came to greet me and for some weird reason I didn't get up to hug him, just kind of went 'yo' even though I hadn't seen him for months :s Also he was totally annoying me at the beginning so I kept telling him he was a total idiot. We sorted it out and actually got along super well by compromising - this is what made me think maybe we would be good together.

 

I also don't think he has many ex-girlfriends. He's never told me about them if he has. So I wonder if lack of experience is affecting his behaviour, even though he's generally super confident in other areas of life?

Edited June 25, 2015 by rara

[preraph]

The way he is leaving you behind in public reminds me of a gay guy I dated and used to travel with. He didn't want to appear to be straight in certain places, though he didn't mind it in town where he was still in the closet to some people. But get him in New Orleans, and he all but abandoned me.

 

Your best-case scenario here is he's straight but hasn't got any manners whatever, so I'm saying stop thinking of him as a partner. Who needs that, no matter WHAT the reason??

[La.Primavera]

Before I accept your advice and dive into OLD the only thing I'm wondering about is whether the behaviour was down to a kind of awkwardness?

 

I would expect there would be a certain amount of awkwardness going on holiday with a friend of the opposite sex and sharing a room with them for two weeks. In order to keep things in the friendship zone you need boundaries and make sure you don't start to act too "couple-like". If he was really interested I think something would have happened while you were away. It would have happened naturally with very little effort required. Instead he passed up the opportunity and went out of his way to keep things platonic.

 

At the end of the day though it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, you have to believe it for yourself. The only way to know for sure is to have an honest talk with him and find out how he feels. I think it is unlikely he will want to sacrifice your friendship for a long distance relationship but it sounds like you aren't going to be able to move on until you know the truth.