gee, how can u guys be so sure?

[JustAGirl]

I got a little concerned after reading the responses to 'Do i tell??"

 

How can any of you (esp unnamed) give such certain advice?? Do you know the people that well? Are you gods to know what's always good for a relationship and what isn't??

 

I think it's great that you give advice, but you should always leave room for the person who asked to make their decision (unless it's simply criminal, like in the post by dan79)

 

So the bottom line is - expressing some doubts instead of yelling at ppl DO or DO NOT would be more appropriate, etc.

 

thanks.

[Tony T]

You've made an excellent point. I just made a similar post to yours down below. Many of the people who post here are very passionate in their desire to help people. Everyone posts from their own experience and perspective.

 

Yes, it would be better if it just stopped there without engaging others who post advice. A good debate on merit is probably a positive thing, but for a poster to outright tell someone not to follow someone else's advice is sort of an insult.

 

However, everyone has a right to put up what they want.

 

In the past month, we have seen a number of examples of relationships that were terminated because of disclosures of past sexual experiences, cheating, etc. While in a ideal world where people can handle the truth and get past it, coming clean would be great. But until every one of God's creatures evolves to that state, we will have to edit our disclosures for preservation of our lives, our finances, our friendships and our relationships.

 

I firmly believe in honest and if I felt I was just flat prone to disloyalty and cheating, I would feel duty bound to tell my partner, take my losses, and go hurt for a while. But if I get drunk once, make a mistake that I know will never be repeated, in my opinion it is insane to sober up and tell all. But that's my opinion. I will not say the others are wrong.

 

One thing here, none of us have to live with the consequences of what we tell posters. None of use will have to live with the lifetime of pain and regret if this lady tells her boyfriend who's been saving himself for her for three years that she lost her virginity to a drunk at a party. Isn't that special.

 

The older I get, the more I'm not sure about anything. I think it probably takes a bit of years to realize we just don't have all the answers.

 

So if someone feels so passionately that they want to tell a poster that others are dead wrong, I have no problem with them showing their stuff. If they were licensed counsellors, they would have to be piled high with malpractice insurance.

 

Funny thing though, our discussion of this subject only strengthens certain people's resolve to be more right and to show others how wrong they are.

[Dragonflys]

Justagirl, I think you make the best point...

 

I agree, she should admit she lost her virginity if asked because not doing so is a lie. However she need not disclose how/why/when because that is her own business.

 

I don't want a world where everyone evades the truth, tells lies, and props themselves up to be anything they are not. Sure, it's an easy way out...but where will that leave us?...will the world end up a place where the best performer wins (one huge hollywood?). I hope not. We need to be real.

[Laurynn]

You wrote:

 

"I got a little concerned after reading the responses to 'Do i tell??"

 

How can any of you (esp unnamed) give such certain advice?? Do you know the people that well? Are you gods to know what's always good for a relationship and what isn't??"

 

No, I highly doubt that anyone, including myself, thinks they are "god" and knows what's always good for a relationship, but come on now, since when did Honesty and Truth become something that's negotiable? Aren't we taught from a very young age that it's wrong to tell lies/to not tell the truth?.....don't we grow up learning that there are consequences to our choices/decisions and actions?

 

You see, I think this is a big problem in the world today. Many people believe that there are ways to justify lying...and a lie by omission (withholding significant information) is still a lie. Are we taught as children that if we throw a rock through the window of our home that it's okay to keep that to ourselves, to keep from upsetting our parents? Of course not. So where along the line, did we change our line of thinking?

 

Isn't it common knowledge that a good, lasting, healthy relationship..once that's built also on mutual RESPECT, should be based on truth and honesty? How is this so hard for some people (I'm not speaking of anyone in particular) to understand this?

 

If infidelity was truly 'no big deal', then why do people sneak around and do it behind their partner's backs? If having sex with someone other than your partner is really so acceptable and 'no big deal' then why don't people just talk to their partner beforehand and say, "I'm going to go have sex with Joe Blow"?? The reason people sneak around, tell lies, try to cover their tracks, formulate alibis is because they know in their heart that cheating is wrong. It is the ultimate betrayal against their partner.

 

Since when did being honest with your partner go out of style?

 

Since when did society get to the point that it's now somehow acceptable to withhold the truth, all in the name of 'sparing your partner hurt and pain'?

 

I find this notion so hypocritical. People don't convince themselves to withhold their infidelty because they want to shield their partner from the pain....NO, they do it because they know that the consequences of their actions could very well result in their partner ending the relationship. So you see, they 'spare the truth' because they are thinking of THEIR needs. If they were truly so concerned with their partner's feelings and heart, they likely wouldn't have dropped their pants in the first place.

 

As well, in this day and age of Sexually Transmitted Diseases, HIV/AIDS, Hepatitis C, I think it's a crime to cheat and not confess. We're no longer talking about making a mistake, we're now talking about making a mistake that could not only affect your partners life forever, but could kill your partner.

 

How many people out there who cheat, go and get tested after their indiscretion? How many of them wait the required 6 month period to be properly tested for HIV?...how many of them, during that 6 month period, refrain from sex with their partner, in order to prevent risking their health? (condoms don't provide 100% protection). How many people even KNOW that you have to wait 6 months, with regular testing during that time, to come up with a truly accurate result? (it can take 6 months for there to be enough of a viral load in the body to be detected).

 

I am more passionate about cheating and 'telling' than some people, maybe because I've been in relationships where I was cheated on. I have walked many miles in those shoes, many times.......where I was lied to ("no I didn't cheat, I'd NEVER do that to you!!" for months and months.......I have been the one who was very trusting, but later found out that my guy had slept with someone else.......and I've had to deal with the fact that from the time they cheated, til the time I found out, I invested even more of myself/heart/love/life in them.........and what for? Life is short, what a waste of mine.....to spend even one day with someone who has such little self control, and such little respect for me, as to lie down with someone else.

 

I'm the kind of person who believes in having all the information placed before me.....so that I can make an informed decision. As adults, I guess I feel we have this inherent right to be informed. Fine, if you want to cheat on me, that is your prerogative....but damn well confess it to me so that I CAN MAKE A DECISION about whether I want to invest any more of my time/heart/love/life with you.

 

Confess it so me so that *I* can make a decision as to whether I am willing to risk my health (STD's, HIV, etc) by continuing to have sex with you.......it is *MY* life and I have the right to know all the facts with which to make a choice of staying or leaving. By withholding information from me, I am in the relationship based solely on deception and your selfishness. Maybe I'll leave, maybe I'll stay.....maybe it will be a wakeup call for our relationship....maybe it will be a sign that something is not right with us........but let ME make the choice as to what *I* want to do. Don't make that choice for me.

 

You wrote:

 

"I think it's great that you give advice, but you should always leave room for the person who asked to make their decision (unless it's simply criminal, like in the post by dan79)"

 

Nobody here is ever taking away anyone's right to make their decision. Nobody here is forcing anyone to take their advice and apply it to their situation/life. Surely anyone posting on a public message board realizes that they are the ones who have the right to make the ultimate decision as to what they do with the advice they are given. Advice, in my opinion, is a person's personal opinion on what someone should do. There is a big difference between telling someone what you think they should do, and forcing them to do it.

 

Also, if someone who comes here and asks for advice, and believes that because we gave our opinion, that they MUST do as we say, that person has some serious problems.

 

Just my thoughts,

 

Laurynn

[Laurynn]

I know I'm rather verbose at times, forgive me.

 

To sum up what I'm trying to say, I think this does:

 

"You CHOSE to DISRESPECT me by sleeping with someone else.....now RESPECT me enough to allow ME to CHOOSE whether I can and will accept that"

 

Laurynn

[Tony T]

I take total and complete responsibility for every action I take. I would rather die than disclose information to someone that could tear them apart emotionally for many years.

 

These two have been in a relationship for three years without having sex. Disclosing this information would be devastating.

 

However, yes, if asked...be honest. Then start packing. Of course, if someone comes right out and asks you, you should be honest. But in the context of this relationship, if the guy is always asking her if she's had sex, that would be pretty sick.

 

I will never offer gratuitous information about mistakes I have made, no matter how severe, if the consequences outweigh the good and the mistake was isolated.

 

That's my opinion and everyone on the forum can write until they're blue in the face to try to convince me otherwise, like they're trying to convince themselves of something. They should do what they are comfortable with, absolutely. But I am comfortable with my own decisions.

 

I am happy people can be passionate about this. I'm not writing anymore about it. I'm just going to keep my mouth shut. It takes so much less energy.

[Tony T]

In my earlier post, I told the girl to get checked out for STD's, AIDS, etc. They've been going together for three years and six or eight more months of waiting will hurt a lot less than a disclosure.

 

But I really do appreciate you input and your position.

 

Mine changeth not.

[Dragonflys]

Yeah, see Tony we do actually agree.

 

Telling a LIE is wrong, but exactly as you say, there no need to gratuitously volunteer the information. Also, she has every right to say 'I do not wish to discuss it' or 'I wish to keep this to myself' upon which the SO can then decide for himself how to handle the omission of such information. One thinks, by saying the above he would have a clue that he left his run a little too late.

 

Ain't life grand.

[Tony T]

Yes, life is absolutely grand.