a message from Lynnspies1's husband

[Lynnshusband]

Hello all,

 

I'm Lynnspies1's husband and am amazed at some of the posts on this message board about our marriage situation... my wife showed me this forum and I read through my wife's thread on me and my affair with another woman... very interesting.

 

Some of you pointed out some really interesting facts to help her understand what was going on and I think it helped her in a way. Others identified pretty accurately what was going on with me and the whys of why this affair started. bottom line is that I have learn from reading posts about our situation, if you don't know the people involved, some advice no matter how good intensioned is so far off base its worthless.

 

I love my wife and what I did was wrong and very distructive (on so many levels its terrible) .. I know that, our therapist knows that, and my OW knew that. I am no longer seeing my OW and will have no further contact with her.

 

We were involved in the same type career that can be very intense at times to say the least and that brought us together and my inattention to my marriage made it possible for this to happen. And my wife's inattention to our marriage was also very detramental to our marriage. My affair isn't the only issue we are addressing in therapy.

 

My wife is an amazing woman and thankful she loves me enough to go through this process to save a great friendship and bond we have shared for almost two decades... she isn't running off to see an attorney, she ran back to her husband. I am going to make whatever effort I need to heal my marriage and thank God my wife is willing to as well.

 

Thank you,

LynnsHusband.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Glad to hear things are working toward a better time for you both.

[RecordProducer]

Can you give us the link where your wife posted her thread?

[EnigmaXOXO]

... she isn't running off to see an attorney, she ran back to her husband.

 

Actually, you ran back to her after walking out on your family then loosing your job. At least that's the story according to your wife. So lets separate fact from delusion.

 

I also find it rather pathetic that you would use this forum as yet another means to railroad your wife into believing your phony sincerity. You're darn right you're lucky to have her, because there aren't many women who'd be so easily bamboozled by your smoke and mirrors or so willing to forgive someone who continues to do the cruel things that you have done to her... all while claiming how much "you love her."

 

Perhaps it would serve you better to rely less on verbiage and start actually walking your talk before your wife wizens up. I too hope you finally pull yourself together before it's too late. But if not, than as one poster so eloquently stated: "I hope she bends you over the settlement table and lets you know she was there."

 

My apologizes to Lynn for my frankness towards your husband (and I use the term lightly).

[Ladyjane14]

First off, I'll tell you that I'm not going to 'bless you out' in this post. Enigma already did a pretty good job of being "frank" with you. (As a side-note to her, "Girl, I'll just be happy to stand back and hold your coat for you...anytime!' )

 

Bear in mind that Enigma is a smart lady, and she raises some very good points. Chiefly, that you may be saying that you understand that your decision to commit adultery was a poor one, and you may say that you take responsibility for it.....but there are clues in your words that disavow all that.

 

I love my wife and what I did was wrong and very distructive (on so many levels its terrible) .. I know that, our therapist knows that, and my OW knew that. I am no longer seeing my OW and will have no further contact with her.

 

Your use of the word "my" here is possessive. The OW's in the Other Man/Other Woman forum here at LS have that same tendancy. It's a small way to remain in possession of their alleged validity in the relationship. Your use of the word "my" would indicate that you haven't released this OW from the relationship.

 

We were involved in the same type career that can be very intense at times to say the least and that brought us together and my inattention to my marriage made it possible for this to happen. And my wife's inattention to our marriage was also very detramental to our marriage. My affair isn't the only issue we are addressing in therapy.

 

And these are excuses, plain and simple. It's a denial of ownership in the decision that YOU made unilaterally.

 

EVERYONE'S career "can be very intense at times". And EVERYONE has period of inattentiveness throughout the course of their marriage. EVERYONE who is married will have problems periodically in the relationship which must be addressed and overcome.

 

Marriage is more fluid than static. Nothing ever remains "fixed". That's why it requires maintenance.

 

My wife is an amazing woman and thankful she loves me enough to go through this process to save a great friendship and bond we have shared for almost two decades...

 

You bet she is "amazing"! I would NEVER have tolerated my husband going through with a PA (physical affair). The part that would have burnt any hope of taking him back is the risk of HIV and other STD's that I would have been unknowingly exposed to. I couldn't have forgiven that.....and I'm a fairly forgiving person too.

 

I think it might be helpful for you to remind yourself on a DAILY basis, that Lynn is reaching out to you on a level that would be impossible for most people to attain. As you proceed through the 'withdrawal' stage of recovery, you'll feel better when you remember that there is a really terrific reason for doing it....because you want to keep this "amazing" woman in your life.

 

she isn't running off to see an attorney, she ran back to her husband.

 

I was just floored by this part of your post. It was almost as if you didn't think she had a right to do that. That suggests a sense of entitlement....as if you were entitled to do whatever you felt necessary for your own sake, but she shouldn't feel the need to protect herself.

 

Initially, for all intents and purposes, you abandoned her! Of course, she should feel compelled to take action in the best interest of her family and herself. If you, yourself encountered another woman in a similar position, what would you tell her?

 

...bottom line is that I have learn from reading posts about our situation, if you don't know the people involved, some advice no matter how good intensioned is so far off base its worthless.

 

I disagree with that....at least in part. I knew from Lynn's very first post here that you were cheating on her. I'm sure other people realized it too, just based on the few little paragraphs that she had written.

 

However, I will heartily agree that a message board such as this one is NO replacement for the detailed guidance one can receive in counseling. So, it's good that you two are doing that.

 

I think that something that you're going to want to address with your counselor is that sense of "entitlement" that I mentioned earlier. If this was the first time you had cheated, it wouldn't be as much of a cause for concern as it is now.

 

Serial cheaters have narcissistic tendancies which cause them to prioritize their own needs ahead of their loved ones. Often when their needs are unmet, they will resort to whatever coping mechanism that will bring them instant gratification....and without much forethought into the long-term consequences.

 

You may, or may not, fit the profile of the serial cheater. But with so much to lose, it would be well worth your while to investigate the possibility. Your success in th reconcilliation of your marriage could depend on this question, because your treatment plan will need to be adjusted to incorporate "coping skills".

 

In the meantime, I would like to reassure you that a marriage of long standing is very much worth the effort to save. The absolute comfort, and the feeling of being secure and 'home' in your partner's love....outstrips anything that the hormone-induced, heart-pounding affair has to offer. The feelings that the forbidden affair offer are ALWAYS transitory. It's puppy-love when compared to the real thing.

 

I think you would also do well to make a study of the feelings of a BS (betrayed spouse). There is a process involved in her healing, just as there is in yours. You might try some books on the subject. One such title is Survivng an Affair, although there are lots of books on the market to choose from. The important part is to learn to identify with your partner's feelings. To prioritize those feelings....as if they were your own.

 

There are several threads here at L.S. which may also help you to do that. Here are just a few:

 

Dazed and Confused: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/

 

Thumbing My Way: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t57894/

 

Sylviaguardian: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=57423 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t58615/

 

I think these posters do a remarkable job of illustrating the emotional aspects of being the betrayed spouse. Some of the posts are long, so you could skip the responses if you like, but I think that it would help you immensely to see how other people are dealing with this.

 

One of the difficult aspects of being the WS (wayward spouse) is that you may feel at some point that it's time for your spouse to just move on past all this and give it a rest already!

 

But I think in reading some of these threads, you'll find that there is a process here, and it takes lots of time and lots of reassurance for the BS to adaquately heal.

 

Anyway, my post has become long. I wish you and Lynn much success in your marriage recovery. And as I said on her thread, I think you should be proud of yourself for taking these first steps. They are indeed difficult.

 

I'd like to make one last point to you in regards to 'No Contact'. This is soooooo important. Don't give in to the temptation to break that. I know that there's a certain amount of sympathy for the OW that will oftentimes encourage a WH to offer comfort and thereby break contact. But when you break NC, you're rolling the dice on your marriage.....and even the best case scenario puts you back at "square one".

 

Please remember that OW is a grown woman who knew fully well that she was involving herself with a married man. This is the risk that she willfully took. Your priority in comforting women....needs to be with your wife. That's where your future is, afterall.

 

The effects of withdrawal will make it difficult to stick with NC at times. You may feel the need to rationalize in order to give yourself permission for contact. If you feel tempted....ASK FOR HELP! Share it with Lynn...she can help you get past the momentary temptation. This will pass in time.

 

Remember that the man that you want to be....is within you. He's the man who can be proud for his children, and future grandchildren, to know him as an "open book". One who need not keep secrets in order to command respect.

[whichwayisup]

Wow LJ, what an awesome reply to lynn's H.

 

I can't add or say anything that could even compare...

 

Wish you both the best and I really hope your marriage works out. IT will be ALOT of hard work. It's there for you if you want it..But you'd better work yer tail off to make it work.

[lynnspies1]

Wow is right LJ,

 

Thank you for taking so much time to make some great points. We have disscussed some of the thing you had mentioned in MC including how he did and in some ways does feel justified in what he did.

 

Thanks again for your time.

 

Lynn

[wanting to heal]

I am trying to heal from my wife's one night stand, and another illicit situation.

 

It is all about the "want to". Does your wife turn you on? Do you turn her on? Are you friends? Can you tell each other everything? Do you have things in common? Do you feel a tension or a comfort when you walk into your home? Is a date with each other still fun? Are you proud of your spouse?

 

You have to want these things, and want them mutually. Don't kid yourselves, and I mean either of you. Agree to be everything to each other, like when you first fell in love. If your spouse cannot be that, or will not be that, then you are just polishing a pile of ****. Tell each other the tough things, and do not take it personally when your spouse tells you how the REALLY feel.

 

Make new commitments. If you don't know that you can keep them, then don't make them. Be honest and you can be happy.

[fanou22]

Am I the only one who sees a pattern with this man?

 

He was in his second affair. Apparently he lasts every time for about 7-8 years.