i just can't let go.

[starsailor]

it's been six weeks to the day now since he left me behind. i saw it coming as he slowly started to pull away and shut himself off yet his complete change in character when he broke up with me was devastating. he always had been so exuberantly warm and caring, calm and patient, always attentive and enforcing us to stay together when i felt confused and insecure. yet that day he was like a different person, as if the one i knew and loved had died and was replaced with a soulless copy. i literally begged him to have a calm face to face conversation and not do this through messaging, so i could at least look into his eyes and thank him for all the good things and get some answers and hopefully some closure but he flatly refused, telling me he already had someone new and i should let go.

since then the pain has not subsided. everything is steeped in grey. i am an adult woman but this was only the second relationship in my life. he was the most beautiful man i have ever seen, the first one to help me open up physically and learn to enjoy my body. i don't know what to do anymore, i can't think of anything else but him.

i tried to go into NC after the breakup, deleting him off facebook and instagram, sent no messages or anything but i was not strong enough to stop checking his profiles, which i know i should do but i can't stop. i am in such need to somewhat still feel connected to him, yet i know he is gone and will never want me back.

i know i am mostly to blame for the breakup, i had become too dependent and focused on him and he could not shoulder the sole responsibility for my emotional well being anymore. i am an extremely shy person and he became the center of my life. i know that's a dangerous thing to do.

i can't stop blaming myself for having messed up this connection, i never met someone like him before and never will. he truly was unique.

i broke down some days ago and wrote him a message telling him everything that i was grateful for and wishing him all the best, that i was doing fine but that some days i still missed him. he read it but did not respond. i know i should not have written him but i feel like i just can't let go. he is gone but i just can't accept it. i wish i was stronger.

at least i took the step to start therapy but at this point i don't feel like it has much impact on my current situation. i just want this pain to end and feel hope again. i feel so weak and pathetic. he is out there happy. he does not care about me anymore yet he is all i think about.

 

i don't know what to do. i just want this to end.

[jen1447]

The pain won't end anytime soon hon but you will be ok. Everyone always is in the end. We come out on the other side eventually.

 

You do need to cut the ties, for your own good. You sent him your final regards, so let that be your last word. Is he blocked on everything as of now?

[kasop]

My ex broke up with me the same way and i see her in the same light as u see your ex. You have to take him off that pedestal. Nobody is perfect and there are many others out there. Its going to take awhile but you can do it. Once hes off that pedestal thinking about them wont be as hurtful and it will allow your feelings to fade. Stay strong

[Itspointless]

i can't stop blaming myself for having messed up this connection, i never met someone like him before and never will. he truly was unique. [...] i just can't let go. he is gone but i just can't accept it. i wish i was stronger. at least i took the step to start therapy but at this point i don't feel like it has much impact on my current situation.

No, you haven't messed up anything. You were you at your best at this moment. That he grew tired of that is not your fault, its his. That is not to say that we cannot keep growing, get more resilient and more loving of ourselves. And yes, he was unique, but the good news though is that every human is unique. He really is not unique in his uniqueness. Really.

 

Therapy isn't a miracle cure, but it really is a good move you did. Your wish to be stronger means that you wish you were harder for yourself. Really that does not help. You need to grieve this. In the end we will get better when we try not to control the feelings but really can let go, set it free so to speak. for now it will be tough, but with time your feelings will soften!

 

Take care

Edited June 24, 2015 by Itspointless

[Satu]

Sorry to hear that you are hurting.

 

Here is something I put together for myself. Some of it might be useful for you.

 

 

 

1. Recognise that you're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 1.5 litres for a female.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to.

 

 

 

Take care.

[15Love]

How do you feel when you think about what could possibly prevent someone from responding to your heartfelt message? That takes a cold heart. He's not as great as you remember.

[OldSoul86]

You wrote him a message, he didn't respond - what more do you owe him? Nothing. I dumped my ex a couple of weeks ago and you know what? She sent me a heartfelt message and I responded with civility, tried to clarify my rationale as best as I could (so she could have some sense of closure), didn't lead her on, didn't give her false hope - I wished her well in love and in life. It takes a real jerk to ignore you.

 

That being said though, from the dumper's perspective - I would NOT send him another message. My ex is continuing to email me on a weekly basis telling me that she will never be well again, she is doing awful, she's callously blaming me for doing what's best for me. Frankly, that makes me feel a million times worse than I already do - I left the relationship because we were ultimately incompatible, but that doesn't mean I am absolved from the pain and hurt - it feels like I got dumped also in some strange way. All my ex is doing is making the grieving process harder for both of us - we're literally the only people on Earth who cannot help each other heal and move on. If you have any sense of self-respect and love for yourself, you said what you needed to say - therefore, say no more. Move on as best as you can.

 

OS

Edited June 24, 2015 by OldSoul86
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