bl**dy ten steps back

[i am gutted]

spoke to ex today to see if he coming to collect stuff again tonight (we have business together so have ends to tie up)

he said he would try to.

 

 

text him at 750pm saying are you not going to make it and didn't hear back.

rang and no answer.

spoke to his mother about 830 and she said he was there sorting out things for a job.

 

 

I rang and the phone was switched off.......

 

 

rang again at about 10pm and it rang but he didn't answer.

 

 

stupidly I went to his place and he wasn't there....stayed for a bit waiting but came home.

 

 

I know I shouldn't have gone but I did.

 

 

finally he called me about 1030.

I ended up back there because I wanted to ask him if he was ignoring me.

 

 

I feel so stupid and cant stop crying.........I never wanted to separate....never wanted any of this. I told him that but he just said :what do you want me to say>?

 

 

this is too hard.

[KBarletta]

It's hard, and I feel for you. It becomes harder, though, when you put yourself in situations like this, where your only option is to relive the pain. I would advise you to wrap up whatever business you have with your ex as soon as possible and stop all contact after that. If you don't, it's only going to put you back in this position again down the road.

 

I do get it, you didn't want this. I didn't either, so I understand. But you can't fix things on your own, and if you're the only one who wants this, then it's just a recipe for more heartbreak if you don't detach and heal.

 

I wish you luck.

[Yasuandio]

IAMG, I am going to give you the tough talk (it is not meant to hurt your feelings - just to shock you into getting real). It's time. It is not "10 Steps Backwards," it is 10 examples of making a Bloody Fool of of Yourself.

 

The calls (likely initiated by you) and visits were not about business or getting his stuff. That is just an excuse to get to talk to him, and, then try to rationalize, manipulate, and/or plead, to change his mind.

 

Calling him won't work.

Calling his relatives won't work.

Showing up at his place won't work.

Coming up with reasons to get in touch won't work.

 

Homer McDonald (cited in the Critical Readings Pinned Thread), would say these actions are you being a "spoiled brat trying to get YOUR WAY," not caring about what the other person wants or needs at this time. I think it would be helpful for you to listen to his tapes and read free the exerpts from his very expensive book.

 

We can fill in the rest here on LS. You must let go. I completely understand. I had to finally change my phone number to make this happen. Even a call about a late alimony check feeds the ego of those that have rejected us.

 

You must "STOP WANTING" him. To do that, the cycle of contact has to be broken, (via NO CONTACT) so you can allow yourself to grieve, and get yourself "emotionally together." You have to become HAPPY, or be perceived as happy. He has to believe he has really lost you.

 

The way you are going, this guy doesn't ever get a chance to miss you. There are no guarantees, (although Homer does give them). I have been through this IAMG, and I'm telling you, you have to back off, and accept it. That is the only way forward. Forget about his stuff, put it in a box in the garage, better still, trash it - and all memories. Disappear everything. No contact. For you, I advise you to change your number, as you cannot resist (just like me). His mother will no longer be part of your family after the divorce. Stop contacting her!

 

Let go, gracefully, give him what he has asked for BECAUSE you love him. I'm telling you, this is the only choice you have. Your actions are pushing him farther away. If you have enough posts, you can PM me anytime. Yas

Edited June 24, 2015 by Yasuandio

[RJays7]

Even if you didn't want this relationship to end, you need to let go in order to heal. You will only continue to push him further away if you keep chasing him and it will make you feel more rejected each time. I am sure you are an amazing person, but your ex needs to be able to miss you and see that you will not always be there for him. Be strong and know that you are worth so much more!

 

RJays7

[i am gutted]

It's hard, and I feel for you. It becomes harder, though, when you put yourself in situations like this, where your only option is to relive the pain. I would advise you to wrap up whatever business you have with your ex as soon as possible and stop all contact after that. If you don't, it's only going to put you back in this position again down the road.

 

I do get it, you didn't want this. I didn't either, so I understand. But you can't fix things on your own, and if you're the only one who wants this, then it's just a recipe for more heartbreak if you don't detach and heal.

 

I wish you luck.

 

 

things are moving slowly....one of the shipping containers went the other week and the other one is hopefully going this weekend.

still waiting on lawyers to finalise the deeds etc also and that's not making it much easier.

 

 

I have not been to his place for weeks/months but last night I was so wound up - I caved in. After I had been doing well in the contact only when need.......

[Yasuandio]

Math Lesson:

 

Caving = Day One

 

Live and learn. You will be OK. We are here for you. Yas

[Tread Carefully]

Oh my gosh I wish I could give you a really super big hug right now!! I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've been there. If I could, I would snap my fingers and all of this would be over, your heart would be put back together and you would remember what happiness feels like.

 

I wish I could take everyone on here who is hurting on a nice long holiday to someplace fun. We would all mingle, lean on each other, drink, dance, swim, shop...and those of us who have learned how to smile again would help another until we all are laughing, having fun and letting go!

[beach]

He responded with "what do you want me say?"

 

 

Is he always this emotionally inept?

 

Good God, is be grateful to remove such a rude and unresponsive person from my life.

 

He couldn't even manage a simple text saying "tonight isn't good" when he knew very well he didn't intend to come by.

 

Wait until he begs for his stuff- it's obviously not important to him. Neither is being respectful enough to communicate. Looks like the makings of an inconsiderate guy.

[Yasuandio]

Today's English Lesson: "Spelling Redefined"

 

"Ex's Stuff" is correctly spelled "T-R-A-S-H." Example of term used is a sentence: I placed my husband's leftover "trash" in the Dumpster for the Garbage Man to pick up on Thursday.

 

Yas

[i am gutted]

He responded with "what do you want me say?"

 

 

Is he always this emotionally inept?

yes. he has never been very demonstrative

as for what he said - its always something like that.....he raises his voice or gets uptight when he feels he in an awkward situation. All I wanted was to voice my feelings to him but it doesn't seem to register with him or it does and he doesn't care. I know I been here before but geez, I thought that maybe he might have had a little more compassion over the time we have been apart.

 

Good God, is be grateful to remove such a rude and unresponsive person from my life.

I bet he not unresponsive to his female contacts.................

 

He couldn't even manage a simple text saying "tonight isn't good" when he knew very well he didn't intend to come by.

yes it would have been nice to have had a text or call to say he couldn't be here. he said he forgot...

 

Wait until he begs for his stuff- it's obviously not important to him. Neither is being respectful enough to communicate. Looks like the makings of an inconsiderate guy.

I do feel disrespected and yet again walked over. I just cant get tough.

[i am gutted]

Today's English Lesson: "Spelling Redefined"

 

"Ex's Stuff" is correctly spelled "T-R-A-S-H." Example of term used is a sentence: I placed my husband's leftover "trash" in the Dumpster for the Garbage Man to pick up on Thursday.

 

Yas

 

 

I feel bad to do that.........I just want things tied up with the lawyers and maybe then I can move forward again. then more ties will be cut

[i am gutted]

Even if you didn't want this relationship to end, you need to let go in order to heal. You will only continue to push him further away if you keep chasing him and it will make you feel more rejected each time. I am sure you are an amazing person, but your ex needs to be able to miss you and see that you will not always be there for him. Be strong and know that you are worth so much more!

 

RJays7

hi. no I didn't want to have anything like this at all.....but I know I need to let go and get him out of my head but am struggling with it at the moment.

I have tried so hard to not contact him unless I have to (which I have done pretty well with) it was just yesterday it seemed to crash around my ears.

 

 

he did say that he doesn't expect the kids to go racing out to see him and kiss his a*se but a hello would be nice. They don't have much to say to him. Daughter is disgusted with him, son not over the moon.

 

 

this is a problem as I would eat, sleep and drink my relationship with exH and this has been since I was 16........everything I did was usually with him....its the big change ahead and being used to not having him.

 

 

when I told him last night that he has been all I had since then he just said - I know we have talked about it and we are going round in circles.

 

 

well yea - my head is going round in circles. geez.

just wish he could accept that its not water off a ducks back for me as it seems to be for him.

[i am gutted]

IAMG, I am going to give you the tough talk (it is not meant to hurt your feelings - just to shock you into getting real). It's time. It is not "10 Steps Backwards," it is 10 examples of making a Bloody Fool of of Yourself.

 

The calls (likely initiated by you) and visits were not about business or getting his stuff. That is just an excuse to get to talk to him, and, then try to rationalize, manipulate, and/or plead, to change his mind.

 

Calling him won't work.

Calling his relatives won't work.

Showing up at his place won't work.

Coming up with reasons to get in touch won't work.

 

Homer McDonald (cited in the Critical Readings Pinned Thread), would say these actions are you being a "spoiled brat trying to get YOUR WAY," not caring about what the other person wants or needs at this time. I think it would be helpful for you to listen to his tapes and read free the exerpts from his very expensive book.

 

We can fill in the rest here on LS. You must let go. I completely understand. I had to finally change my phone number to make this happen. Even a call about a late alimony check feeds the ego of those that have rejected us.

 

You must "STOP WANTING" him. To do that, the cycle of contact has to be broken, (via NO CONTACT) so you can allow yourself to grieve, and get yourself "emotionally together." You have to become HAPPY, or be perceived as happy. He has to believe he has really lost you.

 

The way you are going, this guy doesn't ever get a chance to miss you. There are no guarantees, (although Homer does give them). I have been through this IAMG, and I'm telling you, you have to back off, and accept it. That is the only way forward. Forget about his stuff, put it in a box in the garage, better still, trash it - and all memories. Disappear everything. No contact. For you, I advise you to change your number, as you cannot resist (just like me). His mother will no longer be part of your family after the divorce. Stop contacting her!

 

Let go, gracefully, give him what he has asked for BECAUSE you love him. I'm telling you, this is the only choice you have. Your actions are pushing him farther away. If you have enough posts, you can PM me anytime. Yas

 

 

 

Hi Yas. no he wont come back - I do know that...I am not trying to manipulate him.......I want him to understand from my side .

will message you later - thanks for the offer to do so.

[SoleMate]

.I want him to understand from my side .

I can tell you this is very unlikely. He doesn't want to understand from your side. (Fair enough, I doubt you truly want to understand his viewpoint either.)

[beach]

Hi Yas. no he wont come back - I do know that...I am not trying to manipulate him.......I want him to understand from my side .

will message you later - thanks for the offer to do so.

 

He doesn't want to understand you or your side. He doesn't even prioritize your requests - he just forgets.

 

Please stop contacting him.

 

When you let go of hat doesn't work anymore - is when you will be more open to a new relationship with a man that will offer you more than what he's offered.

 

You deserve better - I hope you stop settling for his crappy crumbs.

 

Have you considered counseling to help you heal and move forward? To know what a healthy boundary looks like? To understand what it looks like when you require respect from others in order to participate?

 

I hope you will explore a therapist.

[kenmore]

IAG, as my divorce day approaches (July 8th), I cant stop my brain from wondering why it had to be like this. I "know" intellectually, she wants me out of her life. Pretty simple.

 

All I can tell you is there is a pride in having the strength to ignore them. They won't come back. They won't beg, feel any remorse, worry about us, they are simply glad we are out of their lives as harsh as that is.

 

It didn't work out. I know you have unresolved issues with belongings and you should get people to move that stuff out and take it to his place if you can afford it, otherwise do what beach said and wait for him to ask for his stuff. Eventually you can sell it on EBAY. You are better off getting it done with though! I did my wife a favor and got out of her life completely two moths ago. We have absolutely nothing to talk about yet it still wanders into my head.

 

The sooner the better. Do what my wife did, tell him he has until the end of the month to get it out or it goes to the dump. Did I mention she's kind of a bitch?

 

Ken

[No Limit]

No more time definitions such as "tonight" or anything like that. You make him give you a time; you wait for 5 minutes beyond that time and then go on about your day instead of waiting. He doesn't care, why do you?

 

Regarding fast methods of getting rid of his stuff, next to eBaying it: when does the refuse collector drive by? Tell him that his stuff is outside and he better be faster than them, otherwise - too bad.

[i am gutted]

I can tell you this is very unlikely. He doesn't want to understand from your side. (Fair enough, I doubt you truly want to understand his viewpoint either.)

 

 

 

no probably not soulmate, but I would have liked to have had at least some sort of opportunity to fix or know what the problem was and could only have done that if he had told me what the problem was. I was never given the option.