Should I forget about her?

[Country Bumpkin]

About a year ago I was introduced to a girl who had just moved into the village. I was introduced to her by a female friend who has been a really good friend for a long time, I mean a lot years. We get on really well and we have become a trio, doing things together etc. I was engaged up until Xmas, my friend was in a relationship, and our new friend had moved here to escape a violent relationship. My engagement broke up about the same time as my friend’s relationship broke up so the three of us were all single.

Myself and our new friend, let’s call her S got very friendly and spent a lot of time talking to each other. Let’s call my long time friend C. In the past few months I have found it increasingly difficult to get anywhere near S. C is always there. They now go out together, without me. C is always at S’s house and it’s become obvious that she is jealous and now I can’t grab a second on my own with S.

Recently S was taken ill when the three of us were out. We had to call the ambulance and I went with her to the hospital and spent all night and all the next morning with her whilst she was in a lot of pain. S told me then how much she liked me and how much she whished we could be together. C has got very upset about this and has said that she is upset with S for relying on me and not her.

That was two weeks ago and since S came out of hospital I haven’t seen her.

I saw C on Thursday and she said we would all go out the next day and I was to phone her. I phoned, no answer, left a message, phoned again, she picked up the phone and then hung up. I waited for a call, nothing. Went to S’s house nobody home, went to the pub guess who is there, both of them.

I know that S knows what C is doing, she goes into her phone, reads her messages and checks her calls and gets upset whenever she sees my name on any of them and they end up having rows.

Should I leave them alone to get on with it and forget about S although I really like her. I’m having trouble sleeping at the moment I can’t get her out of my head but it seems hopeless. Everywhere S is C can be found. This is probably going to end up with a fall out and I can see myself on my own whilst they carry on as they are. Someone is going to end up upset no matter how I play this. Do you think C is Gay? I know S isn’t. I sorry but I just don’t know what to do for the best except stay inside and keep away from trouble but that’s not best for me is it. It feels like I’ve broken up with the love of my life and now I can’t even speak to her. I'm a wreck. Or am I going crazy, is the frustration making me ill so that I can’t see things clearly anymore. I don’t where I’m up to. Is there any way to get to S without C being involved? I’ve tried a letter, she found that also, she wasn’t happy

[LucreziaBorgia]

For whatever reason, S chooses to spend her time with C. How C feels, or whether she is gay is pretty much a moot point. If S really did not want her around, or really wanted to be with you and not C, she'd ditch her - friend or not. You'd be surprised how many 'best friends' become instant enemies when a man is thrown into the mix. When a girl chooses a friendship with a girl over a guy, then there is a very, very good chance that its because she doesn't want to be with the man that much anyway. Yes, there are cases where a girl would choose friendship because she feels its the right thing to do, but in this case - S and C haven't known each other to have that bond of loyalty that would overcome.

 

There's no telling what the deal is. It could be anything:

 

1. C is gay and is moving in on S, drawing her into a friendship with intentions of later making it more.

2. S isn't really that interested in you, and is choosing her friendship with C as a result.

3. C is in love with you herself, and through friendship/monopolizing her time and confiding her love is forcing an obligational "loyalty" with S such that S wouldn't even dream of crushing her heart by going after her 'secret love' (though know this: if S had it in her mind that she wanted you, she'd listen to C, allow her to confide in her, and end up with you anyway.)

4. Neither C nor S really wants to have much to do with you, so they are buddies now each on the prowl for new men. A woman might say 'we can be friends' or 'I like you' but if she is going out of her way to avoid you, then you know that she doesn't really mean it.

 

You won't really know though, until you corner C alone and ask what the deal is. Is that possible?

 

Your best bet though, would be to let it be - and put them both out of your mind and look for other women to date. Something less 'soap opera-ish'.

[Country Bumpkin]

Thanks Lucrezia option 3 is a possibility. A long time ago when C and I first met she made a move on her and I turned her down, more than once. Since then we have been friends and also since then my other relationships have been with girls from out of town, our village is very small so not much chance of meeting anyone, so C hasn't seen me with them although she knew about them.

Doesn't help the situation with S though does it? S has told me to wait and "one day it will happen" but how long is a guy to wait. I could wait forever and end up alone on the shelf.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Well, maybe you could just do some dating on your own until S decides to come around? Do fun stuff. Not drinking/casual sex stuff - but fun stuff. Outings, etc. Keep the romance low, and the fun high. Date often. You never know, you may just end up finding someone else while C is busy concentrating on S - someone who will make 'waiting for S' unnecessary.

[ggallin13]

Having experienced something similar, I would say put them both out of your mind and move on. Lying to you by saying that you guys were all going to hang out and then ditching you--and going to your normal spot is totally f**ked up. I personally would find that emasculating and just plain mean. There can be little doubt that it was done intentionally, right?

 

Ask yourself this: What would you do if it were a guy treating you like this? You know, saying you'll hang out and blowing you off, getting jealous over another friendship, etc. It sounds lame, but since you are not sleeping with weither of them you might as well look at it that way. I have found lately with a couple of my female friendships looking at it like that has put it into perspective and I fell lots better about it.

 

I know it's tough, man, believe me, but if you move on now it'll hurt much less than moving on later and all bad girls do is keep the good ones away.

[Country Bumpkin]

Cheers guys. I've just got home from doing a night shift at the hospital and I've had a lot of time to think about this and what you guys have said. I 've got to say that it's not what I wanted to hear but you knew that. Everything you say makes sense. I can do what I like, I can go out and have fun, I'm not sleeping with either of them and the long term friend isn't anymore, not from my view anyway. S is never going to be interested so why should I upset myself over her.

It will be hard to avoid them because it's so small here but I can have a new life without them. I think they are enjoying stringing me along so give it a couple of days and the phone will ring wanting to know where I've been. I'm sure I'll think of something. It does hurt a bit still but like one of you said, better now than later when I'm in too deep. I hope I don't sound bitter, I'm really not I've just seen it from a different point of view.

I'll let you know when the phone rings, it won't be long but I won't be in.

[Country Bumpkin]

So that was the phone call. C has just invited me to come out for a couple of ours with them. I'm just going to play it cool. There will be no references to anything that has happened. It has been 10 days since I saw or spoke to either of them and they want to know where I have been, what I have been up to. I can say things like, I've been working very late or very early shifts. I'll have to play it by ear but if anyone has any suggestions I've got about 2 hours. I feel a lot better about this now but the test will be how to keep my cool and not seem interested. Wish me luck.

[ggallin13]

Hopefully you haven't left yet, but I wouldn't say you have been up to anything. Say "the usual" at the most or "nothing" and move on and talk about THEM. Ask them what they have been doing and feign interest.

 

THEY are the ones worrying about what you are doing, so let them worry. They don't get to know what you are doing when they aren't around, as neither is your girlfriend. Notice already they have been wondering where you have been. You are the valuable one in all of this, not either of them. Keep that in the front of your mind, and if there are other hot girls around make sure to at least talk to them, and if you can flirt a little. It will drive them carzy and boost your confidence immeasurably. Good luck, and let me know what happens!

[Country Bumpkin]

I had left and got your post when I got back. I wish I could have read it first I could have used some of your ideas.

I think I've already explained that we live in a very small village and the pub that we frequent is very quiet. If you had an idea of a typical English country pub, this is it. So most of last night there was only the three of us there and one other guy. So it's not as if I had the chance to flirt. I felt like I was sat there all night with "door mat" written in my forehead. C acted as if nothing had happened and S was just her normal self, she did look good.

 

We left it that we would meet up sometime at the weekend but that remains to be seen bearing in mind C's unreliability. The cooling down and staying away is happening but it seems to be more advantages for them, I suppose that's because I'm a worrier.

 

I waited until this morning to reply because when I got in last night I was a bit emotional and probably would have ranted more than I am doing now. I think overall your idea is best, the more I stay away the easier it gets. If S decides to do something as a result then it's her move now. I'm doing my best to go back to being just friends but keeping my distance. I'm have to say that I'm not doing a very good job but I'm doing better than if I had to do this alone.

 

This has probably got a lot further to run and I feel that last night didn't really help but next time will be better.

[Devildog]

I strongly recommend you wait for them to call you. Not just this weekend but in the future in general. Let them chase you, be busy if they don't give you at least 3 days prior notice. Don't be at their beck and call. Don't jump as soon as they ask you to do something.

[ggallin13]

I'm sorry I was to late on the trigger, bro.....

 

Trust me, I have been where you are TOTALLY. I went to college in a really small town in Idaho and have had many similar experiences. As long as you are doing your best, that's all you need to worry about. I mean, seriously, if it were easy these boards wouldn't even exist!

 

I have no idea what it is like to live in a small English village (I'll bet it has it's rad points!), but everywhere it seems chicks are pretty much the same. I live in a medium sized city by U.S. standards, and yet it seems like it is so small. Always seeing the same people, the same chicks....

 

Here's the rub, though: How far are you from somewhere with a cool bar scene, or dance clubs, or whatever? I am sure you have buddies that live in your town. Drive to other places with your friends, blow off some steam, and tear it up! Girls always long to do that s**t yet they need a guy to do it with. You don't, so go out and wail. Meet some girls who reject you right off (it is actually invigorating, in a way), get hammered and meet some cool people--you can always use more male friends, or chicks who know other chicks. Men are easy to deal with and all of them know girls or have sisters or whatever--and pretty girls know other pretty girls. You can't lose!.

 

My point is that you wouldn't have the problems you do if you had more prospects. So go out and get them! The girls in question must know you can go wherever you want whenever you want, huh? If they didn't, they wouldn't wonder what you have been doing. "I've been hanging in London, no big deal" would kill them. Or whatever hip spot is closest would work. But then, if you had a place that close you'd already be doing that, right? The world is a big place, and if you think about it, you are limiting yourself to one girl simply because of you proximity to her. Always a bad move.....

 

Sorry if I am rambling, but I went out and WAILED tonight and it was awesome and honestly, man, I feel for ou, because I have SO been there. Keep your chin up! Believe me, it may seem bleak and stupid and beneath you now, but in a couple months you'll be wondering what the big deal was--whereas if English girls are anything like American girls they will wonder about what you are doing forever.

[Country Bumpkin]

Just an update really.

I doing a pretty good job of staying away but in such a small place it hasn't been totally succesful. I bump into her about once a week. Staying away means that I must stay away from my hanging place cos thats where they hang. I only go in when I think they won't be there but sometimes I get it wrong. When I do see her I have to go because I can't bear to be in the same room cos she looks so fine but she's always a miilion miles away from my reach. I went in last week and my sis was texting me. They were very curious who it was and they got qiute frustrated. I'd say C got quite upset about it specially when I told them it was a female freind from the hospital. When I have to leave I go go straight home and can't help but cry about S. I'm not a weak man but she seems to be able to stir up really strong feelings even if I don't talk to her. C phones now and again to ask how/where I am but it's not her I want it's S. Staying away helps while I'm away but it all comes crashing down. I read a quote the other day, it's not mine so I don't take credit for it but it sums me up."If my tears were blood, I just bled to death when you walked by"