No Limit Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Only 8 months and he cheats, talks about marriage and kids? Disaster waiting to happen. He would love to keep you because it's not easy to find women who tolerate cheating partners. In a country where women can pick their partners, I'd never bow to this fate no matter how "nice" he currently is. But maybe that's just me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sixtoerings Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 Only 8 months and he cheats, talks about marriage and kids? Disaster waiting to happen. He would love to keep you because it's not easy to find women who tolerate cheating partners. In a country where women can pick their partners, I'd never bow to this fate no matter how "nice" he currently is. But maybe that's just me. Yes, talks about living together In June when my lease is up, eventually getting married, having kids and does everything and anything he can to help me regain trust in him. 100% transparency. But it seems the consensus is that the cheating happened too early in the relationship to be forgivable or to move past. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Yes, talks about living together In June when my lease is up, eventually getting married, having kids and does everything and anything he can to help me regain trust in him. 100% transparency. But it seems the consensus is that the cheating happened too early in the relationship to be forgivable or to move past. Him cheating now is only the beginning. And nothing will change who he is except for him, but being "100% transparent" (except for future secret mail accounts and secondary phones) isn't enough. Let's say it like this, if I had to predict your future, I'd say he might pause his future affair(s) until a few months after the first kid, but that's about as faithful as it will get. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Yes, talks about living together In June when my lease is up, eventually getting married, having kids and does everything and anything he can to help me regain trust in him. 100% transparency. But it seems the consensus is that the cheating happened too early in the relationship to be forgivable or to move past. I have to agree. And the reasons he gave you for doing it? What a pile of BS. He essentially turned it around on you. So what happens if you hit a rough patch in the future and he feels neglected again? Is he going to jump into bed with another woman? Sorry, but that's a crock. If you were married or had children together, I could understand wanting to work through it. But you have no ties to this guy and the relationship isn't a long one. I would not for one hot second consider moving in with him, nor would I be talking about any future plans. Stay at your own risk, OP. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 UNTIL... 3 months ago, i discovered by his own admission that he cheated on me about a month after we became 'official', with an on and off "friends with benefits" person, who he claims to never have wanted an actual relationship with (even tho they've slept together on and off for years). No, it wasn't by his 'own' admission. Like most betrayed people, you had to badger him and tell him you were ready to walk out on him if he didn't come clean because you knew in your gut something was off. He admitted he'd also cheated on his exgirlfriend with this same 'friends with benefits' girl. So he makes a habit out of doing this. He said his cheating on me stemmed from feeling as if I didn't need him because of some insensitive things I did around that time. What a crock of horse manure. Why am I not surprised he found a way to blame his pig behavior on you? Was that the feeble excuse he ALSO used for cheating on his ex-girlfriend with this same FWB? That something SHE had done caused his cheating? Don't accept the blame for his inability to keep his pants zipped because he wanted sex with his FWB. And that's what it boils down to because he did the SAME thing to his ex-girlfriend. Someone needs to OWN his sh*t. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Yes, talks about living together In June when my lease is up, eventually getting married, having kids and does everything and anything he can to help me regain trust in him. 100% transparency. But it seems the consensus is that the cheating happened too early in the relationship to be forgivable or to move past. I totally 'get' that sometimes people have a hard time letting go of their past when they enter into a new relationship and sometimes the loyalty just isn't there yet. I GET it. Your problem is that this is pattern behavior with this guy and that instead of owning that he did it because he couldn't keep his pants zipped, he turned it around on YOU instead of taking responsibility for it. And THAT just means he feels justified for what he did. He's not remorseful. He's just doing whatever he can to win you back because he doesn't want to lose you or pay the consequences for his behavior. That's not remorse. The question you need to ask yourself is, how about the next time he feels 'neglected?' How about the next time you supposedly act 'insensitively' towards him? Chances are, he'll be right back to his old behavior. And THAT'S the real issue. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sixtoerings Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 I totally 'get' that sometimes people have a hard time letting go of their past when they enter into a new relationship and sometimes the loyalty just isn't there yet. I GET it. Your problem is that this is pattern behavior with this guy and that instead of owning that he did it because he couldn't keep his pants zipped, he turned it around on YOU instead of taking responsibility for it. And THAT just means he feels justified for what he did. He's not remorseful. He's just doing whatever he can to win you back because he doesn't want to lose you or pay the consequences for his behavior. That's not remorse. The question you need to ask yourself is, how about the next time he feels 'neglected?' How about the next time you supposedly act 'insensitively' towards him? Chances are, he'll be right back to his old behavior. And THAT'S the real issue. Oh trust me, I was appalled that he blamed me for his actions. I know it was just a way to make an excuse for terrible behavior. I didn't even consider staying with him until he 100% owned his own choices to cheat and took 100% responsibility for cheating on his ex. Regardless, his initial excuse was to blame me and that's not something I've forgotten. I do believe he is remorseful, but I think he might not have really been until he saw the deep pain it caused me. Of course, I'm almost in a harder position now, 3 months later, than i was when I first found out. Because since then we're so much more open and honest with each other, which has caused me to feel closer than him, and therefore makes it even harder to leave. Just yesterday I told him how I was feeling and he again suggested couples counseling. But of course I don't want to get involved in that if I think I just shouldn't be in this relationship. It's definitely so hard to let go of someone I feel connected to, despite his deception. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Yes, talks about living together In June when my lease is up, eventually getting married, having kids and does everything and anything he can to help me regain trust in him. 100% transparency. But it seems the consensus is that the cheating happened too early in the relationship to be forgivable or to move past. I'm not sure that the consensus is that it's unforgivable or that you can't move past it. I think people would say that it's a risk, a lot of hard work, and probably not worth that considering it's such a short relationship that doesn't involve marriage and children. It may take years for him to rebuild trust with you. You may be miserable in the meantime. And he may still repeat this behavior (some people are more convinced of that than others). Personally, I'd want to know that something significantly changed in him. He's done this more than once before. He hasn't undergone any individual counseling to get to the root of the problem. He may suggest couples counseling but his infidelity is not a couples problem; it's a personal one. As others have asked, what makes you think you wouldn't be victim to a repeat performance the next time he feels he isn't getting what he needs from you? I realize you have empathy but your empathy doesn't change his behaviors. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sixtoerings Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 I'm not sure that the consensus is that it's unforgivable or that you can't move past it. I think people would say that it's a risk, a lot of hard work, and probably not worth that considering it's such a short relationship that doesn't involve marriage and children. It may take years for him to rebuild trust with you. You may be miserable in the meantime. And he may still repeat this behavior (some people are more convinced of that than others). Personally, I'd want to know that something significantly changed in him. He's done this more than once before. He hasn't undergone any individual counseling to get to the root of the problem. He may suggest couples counseling but his infidelity is not a couples problem; it's a personal one. As others have asked, what makes you think you wouldn't be victim to a repeat performance the next time he feels he isn't getting what he needs from you? I realize you have empathy but your empathy doesn't change his behaviors. right. it's not like i think it's impossible to change, but I don't see anything that's happened to change him. He took initiative after telling me this and went right out and got an STD test, gave me his house key, etc. without me asking. So much of it was of his own accord. But I've tried to let him know that I don't see how this is different than when he cheated in the past-- all he can tell me is it felt different this time, worse than ever before, and so he ended communication with her. This appeared to be true because she was blocked on FB and when I spoke to her, pissed at him for just cutting her off. But really, his word is meaningless because he lies, and there was no big wake-up-call event. He's also offered to go to individual therapy. But again, i don't want either of us to bother with counseling when I still don't know if i can handle being in this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Gande Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 I'm going through something like this now too and I posted in here about it. My girlfriend didn't actually have sexual contact with anybody (she can prove it) but she did send flirty texts and nude pics to an ex FWB. I'm trying to forgive her for it because we are compatible and I like her a lot. But she broke my trust and now I'm paranoid. Personally, I couldn't forgive somebody who went through and actually had sex with another person while in a relationship. I also will not forgive somebody who admits a mistake and promises to never do it again, but still does. I have friends who are reformed cheaters. One guy cheated on his girlfriend many times in college and she never found out, but they have been married now for a long time and he has been faithful since graduating college. I tend to believe "once a cheater, always a cheater," but that is evidently not true for everyone. My advice to you would be to end the relationship, but lots of people are telling me the same thing and I have decided to try to work things out.... so take that for what it's worth, which probably isn't much. Link to post Share on other sites
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