Ego deflated. Mojo busted. Husbands comment got me here...

[SMedley]

I'm sure I'm overreacting but this has genuinely bothered me since it happened.

 

I'm a newlywed (married little over a year) and prior to marriage my husband and I decided to wait on sex, despite not being virgins. So on Monday, we were goofing around making comments about a TV show, when in the midst of it he tells me "I was the best (sex) he'd ever had," basically mocking one of the actors. So jokingly I asked him if that was true, because I mean he'd alluded to it before that I was. I had no reason to think otherwise. Only this time, he totally clammed up and didn't want to answer?! So I got a bit jumpy and asked again. Even went as far as to ask if I was even at the top of his list somewhere?! To which he finally responded "I love everything about you and our sex life is amazing. Can we just leave it at that??" So needless to say, the evening was downhill from there. Like I said we weren't virgins prior to getting together and we've both been around the block a few times (we're a May-December romance, he's older), but I can truly say on my end, he's been the best. If for no other reason, just because we genuinely love and respect each other. And before anyone says that was a dumb question to ask in the first place (cause trust me I know and FULLY regret it), as forestated he'd always sang my praises and led me to believe that I was. So I really didn't expect the answer I got.

 

But needless to say, I've been licking my 'ego' wounds since then. I obviously still really desire my husband, but this had made me a bit self-conscious about my abilities to please him . I'm honestly afraid next time we're intimate I'm going to be paranoid about if he's really enjoying it like he says. I've always been very comfortable with my sexuality, and was becoming even moreso now that I'm in my 30's. Definitely no prude here! So to be feeling this anxiety now just stinks. Any advice on how to move past this joke gone wrong and get my martial mojo back??

[pondhawk]

A similar thing happened to me.

After making love I had said something to the effect of ..."Wow that was the best sex I've ever had!"

 

On his end: silence.

 

So I asked, "Wasn't that the best sex for you?"

 

Again, silence (with a strange look on his face).

 

Now I'm upset and say, "Oh great, I think I just got my answer!!"

 

But he replied, "No, it has nothing to do with not being good. It has everything to do with being older."

 

He's older than I am and claims that as he is nearing 50, his orgasms just aren't as strong as they used to be when he was in his 20's. They're not as powerful and they don't last as long.

 

So maybe he is comparing how he feels and not comparing partners or their performance? Maybe it's not about you.

 

Hope this helps.

[minimariah]

tell him how you feel, communicate with him.

 

sit down, open up, let it all out, let him know how serious this is to you, how it bothers you and ask for his complete honesty.

 

this is the right time to improve your communication and to learn how to trust each other and be open with each other.

 

talk about sex, ask him what he thinks needs to be improved, what would he like to do differently... tell him some of your own fantasies.

 

what is the situation right now at home?

are you in a fight, is there tension...?

[berniev]

I'm sure I'm overreacting but this has genuinely bothered me since it happened.

 

I'm a newlywed (married little over a year) and prior to marriage my husband and I decided to wait on sex, despite not being virgins. So on Monday, we were goofing around making comments about a TV show, when in the midst of it he tells me "I was the best (sex) he'd ever had," basically mocking one of the actors. So jokingly I asked him if that was true, because I mean he'd alluded to it before that I was. I had no reason to think otherwise. Only this time, he totally clammed up and didn't want to answer?! So I got a bit jumpy and asked again. Even went as far as to ask if I was even at the top of his list somewhere?! To which he finally responded "I love everything about you and our sex life is amazing. Can we just leave it at that??" So needless to say, the evening was downhill from there. Like I said we weren't virgins prior to getting together and we've both been around the block a few times (we're a May-December romance, he's older), but I can truly say on my end, he's been the best. If for no other reason, just because we genuinely love and respect each other. And before anyone says that was a dumb question to ask in the first place (cause trust me I know and FULLY regret it), as forestated he'd always sang my praises and led me to believe that I was. So I really didn't expect the answer I got.

 

But needless to say, I've been licking my 'ego' wounds since then. I obviously still really desire my husband, but this had made me a bit self-conscious about my abilities to please him . I'm honestly afraid next time we're intimate I'm going to be paranoid about if he's really enjoying it like he says. I've always been very comfortable with my sexuality, and was becoming even moreso now that I'm in my 30's. Definitely no prude here! So to be feeling this anxiety now just stinks. Any advice on how to move past this joke gone wrong and get my martial mojo back??

 

You won't believe anything he tells you at this point anyway.

 

It's not about being the best; it is about being with the ones we care the most.

[jen1447]

Gotta stop right there hon. That was a loaded question and there was no good way for him to answer and he knew it. He actually gave the best answer possible given the circumstances.

 

If he says no, obviously you know how that would hurt. But if he says yes, chances are in his mind you're going to conclude he thinks your a slut or a sex-pro etc. and diminish all the other good qualities of you that go along with your sexuality and that next time he tries to put the moves on you you'll give him some sh|t about is that all he thinks you're good for and so on.

 

That's pretty much the way it always works with us, so give him a break. You're secure, you're grown, so be secure and grown. You don't need that kind of teenage validation. Next time just make sure he knows exactly how good the biggity-bang is with you.

[berniev]

Gotta stop right there hon. That was a loaded question and there was no good way for him to answer and he knew it. He actually gave the best answer possible given the circumstances.

 

If he says no, obviously you know how that would hurt. But if he says yes, chances are in his mind you're going to conclude he thinks your a slut or a sex-pro etc. and diminish all the other good qualities of you that go along with your sexuality and that next time he tries to put the moves on you you'll give him some sh|t about is that all he thinks you're good for and so on.

 

That's pretty much the way it always works with us, so give him a break. You're secure, you're grown, so be secure and grown. You don't need that kind of teenage validation. Next time just make sure he knows exactly how good the biggity-bang is with you.

 

Also be more vocal about expressing your enjoyment. If you have to know, sex is not just about pleasing your partner(s); it's also about being pleased. It would give your partner a great amount of enjoyment when he sees how much you enjoy it.

[understand50]

Gotta stop right there hon. That was a loaded question and there was no good way for him to answer and he knew it. He actually gave the best answer possible given the circumstances.

 

If he says no, obviously you know how that would hurt. But if he says yes, chances are in his mind you're going to conclude he thinks your a slut or a sex-pro etc. and diminish all the other good qualities of you that go along with your sexuality and that next time he tries to put the moves on you you'll give him some sh|t about is that all he thinks you're good for and so on.

 

That's pretty much the way it always works with us, so give him a break. You're secure, you're grown, so be secure and grown. You don't need that kind of teenage validation. Next time just make sure he knows exactly how good the biggity-bang is with you.

 

Yup, Best sex is the sex you are having at the time. ............

[SMedley]

Thank you all for the replies thus far! They all made a lot of sense.

 

I do think age could be a factor in why he answered me the way he did. Possibly even low T cause I've noticed other signs in his general health, that make me think something medical could be going on.

 

I did communicate to him though on yesterday that I was still a little bothered by it all, but I wanted to make sure we were both mutually getting what we needed sexually. He continued to reassure me, he was 110% pleased with our sex life. We also agreed that since we're still really learning each other in that light, we could just continue improving on the great sex we do have and trying new things.

 

I was just concerned cause I was like "how can that be possible?? Cause I know what I'm bringing is the bomb!!" But hey, he did at least agree with me on that one! It just wasn't the atomic one LOL!

Edited June 24, 2015 by SMedley

[Ninjainpajamas]

A very teenage question...men usually have sex with some wild woman who give them the best sex of their life and they usually screw her like a prostitute which your GF or wife might get cry-baby over because she doesn't want to be treated like an "object" which leads to more unnecessary drama..but they usually don't end up married to her because that's not exactly screaming marriage material to most guys.

 

Guys would rather someone with a bit less sexual history and higher standards in the end, so although you aren't the best he's ever had...it's partly contributing to why he is with you, no to mention you being a bit younger as well.

 

I think he gave you a good answer and hopefully you just leave it at that, he'll need to reboot your ego and confidence a bit but don't put him in that situation again...chances are, he's not with you for the sex.

[Mr Carson]

Thank you all for the replies thus far! They all made a lot of sense.

 

I do think age could be a factor in why he answered me the way he did. Possibly even low T cause I've noticed other signs in his general health, that make me think something medical could be going on.

 

I did communicate to him though on yesterday that I was still a little bothered by it all, but I wanted to make sure we were both mutually getting what we needed sexually. He continued to reassure me, he was 110% pleased with our sex life. We also agreed that since we're still really learning each other in that light, we could just continue improving on the great sex we do have and trying new things.

 

I was just concerned cause I was like "how can that be possible?? Cause I know what I'm bringing is the bomb!!" But hey, he did at least agree with me on that one! It just wasn't the atomic one LOL!

 

That's the great part you can still give him ''the best sex ever'' my wife and I have been together 25 years and were having the best sex we've ever had. So just keep doing it. If you really want it to be the best ever there's lots you can do, have FUN!

[beatcuff]

I'm sure I'm overreacting but this has genuinely bothered me since it happened.

 

OP do yourself a huge favor and read some of the posts in the separation and divorce section. do not read them, READ them. the common theme is a communication breakdown. and it starts on day 1: don't say that, avoid this, third rail...

 

you should be grateful your H was honest. that should be encouraged. it will not only to ward off future issues but --- when he blurts out "you look beautiful" you will know he means it.

[Lois_Griffin]

So needless to say, the evening was downhill from there. Like I said we weren't virgins prior to getting together and we've both been around the block a few times (we're a May-December romance, he's older), but I can truly say on my end, he's been the best.

Come on. If you're with someone old enough to be your father (or grandfather), then you should know he's got A LOT more experience than you. That's just the way it is.

 

Someone his age whose landed himself a much younger bride should be a little more appreciative of what he's got. Seriously, he's a dumbass for not recognizing that. I'd seriously re-think changing his Depends 10 or 15 years from now since he wants to be such a D-bag.

[Fugu]

And this is why honesty is not always the best policy. I know people are going to trounce all over me for saying this, but it's okay to lie sometimes in a relationship. You just have to know what a good lie is and isn't. Them's the facts.

[autumnnight]

Come on. If you're with someone old enough to be your father (or grandfather), then you should know he's got A LOT more experience than you. That's just the way it is.

 

Someone his age whose landed himself a much younger bride should be a little more appreciative of what he's got. Seriously, he's a dumbass for not recognizing that. I'd seriously re-think changing his Depends 10 or 15 years from now since he wants to be such a D-bag.

 

Really?? over ONE sex comment?

[Fugu]

Come on. If you're with someone old enough to be your father (or grandfather), then you should know he's got A LOT more experience than you. That's just the way it is.

 

Someone his age whose landed himself a much younger bride should be a little more appreciative of what he's got. Seriously, he's a dumbass for not recognizing that. I'd seriously re-think changing his Depends 10 or 15 years from now since he wants to be such a D-bag.

 

He's a dumbass for not being a better liar about it.

[berniev]

He's a dumbass for not being a better liar about it.

 

She's a dumbass for getting upset over one silly comment and ruining the day.

[Fugu]

She's a dumbass for getting upset over one silly comment and ruining the day.

 

As one poster said, it was a question that shouldn't have been asked. The honest answer was inevitably going to upset her, and he was forced to respond. Once that bad question was asked, it deserved a 'bad' response -- a lie. We're brainwashed into believing we always have to be 100 percent honest with each other. Not always true, IMO.

[davidromero43]

I had no reason to think otherwise. Only this time, he totally clammed up and didn't want to answer?! So I got a bit jumpy and asked again. Even went as far as to ask if I was even at the top of his list somewhere?! To which he finally responded "I love everything about you and our sex life is amazing. Can we just leave it at that??" So needless to say, the evening was downhill from there.

 

He didn't want to fight. He thought anything further might be twisted and used against him.

[Fugu]

He didn't want to fight. He thought anything further might be twisted and used against him.

 

He cut his losses, but the damage had been done.

 

Next time, lie.

[Mr Carson]

He cut his losses, but the damage had been done.

 

Next time, lie.

 

Being honest just may get him an improvement on an already good sex life, I don't see how that's bad?

[SMedley]

No need for the rude name calling towards both my husband and myself . Sheesh. It was just some joking banter that went terribly wrong. It happens.

 

Also to clarify, when I said the evening went "downhill" after that, I didn't mean there were any arguments, name calling, or even a spat. Just that as I said earlier, it just made us both a little awkward afterwards. Basically what would have been a fun, romantic evening became a quiet one that ended with us both just going to bed.

 

Within our relationship, we both really value honesty. So that's the reason for my husband not wanting to lie. And I really think he was trying to spare my feelings best he could but by then I already had my answer. But like I said we did communicate about it the following day and it hasn't come up since.

Edited June 25, 2015 by SMedley

[Ninjainpajamas]

Within our relationship, we both really value honesty.

 

Ha! speak for yourself, you obviously can't value honestly if you ask stupid questions like this.

 

You're the typical woman who asks questions that you want answered "honestly" but only if they are in the POSITIVE, and if it isn't what you want to hear then you just twist it in some way to make yourself feel better.

 

You are obviously someone who cannot handle the truth, like most women...don't speak for your husband either, he's not an idiot and you can tell by his response and cleverness that he thinks out his answers before responding because if he knew he could be honest he wouldn't have hesitated.

 

Every guy sweetens and manipulates his answers into what women want to hear if he knows what's good for himself...it's women who choose to speak for men and as a couple in every thing and would like to believe that their relationship is a certain way when in reality they have no clue of the dynamic that supports their idealistic fantasy of the relationship.

 

There is a balance that takes place in relationships, and for that to occur men must be willing to lie about some things...at the very least, so that you can stay happy and ignorant of the truth.

 

To be fair, the same can said for men as well...we want you to be something you probably truly aren't either.

[spanz1]

not having sex before two people get married is pure folly. that was your choice, now live with the consequences.