yellowhibiscus Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 (edited) So the person I am going to be talking about in this post and I are actually not together anymore but I have this question that keeps nagging at me. Trying to see how others would feel about this or if maybe I have been feeling too insecure...My ex had a lot of female friends...actually probably more female friends than male. I had no problem with that at all. I've discovered, however, that he can be a BIG flirt. My first warning sign came from actually seeing his facebook page when we first started dating, referring to one of his good friends as "babe" and "love" and "darling"....I pushed that aside because he told me that they were just good friends (even though it was a girl he had at once dated in the past). At 6 months together, we were at his brothers wedding and he grabbed one of the bridesmaids' butts....right in front of everyone. It wasn't a girl that he knew very well, just a girl that he had met a few times but it was clear that there was a lot of attention being given to her. Fast forward to a few months ago when I see these comments on another girls instagram pictures. This was a girl who he went to high school with and has remained in contact with. Basically he told her she incredibly hot and put hearts in his comment. On another picture, he told her she was beautiful. After we broke up, I find out 3 days later that he sent her flowers. When I confront him about it, he says it is because she is going through a divorce....I'm thinking the last thing she needs is some guy who just got out of a relationship sending her flowers...but anyways...I've told him how upset these things/comments have made me but he doesn't seem to acknowledge it. They are all just "friends". My gut feeling is that he does this because he is insecure and loves attention. I know it probably doesn't matter at this point because we are broken up but would love to know what other people's thoughts are...because if this is something that is normal for guys to do, then I guess I need to deal with it then in my future relationships. Edited June 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
Author yellowhibiscus Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 Bumping because I'm really hoping for a response. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Some guys flirt with everyone female, regardless of whether they're single, in a relationship or married. Why? Because they like it and they can. Relationships generally form when two minds meet in a healthy way on matters interpersonal. If you, for example, prefer a man who doesn't flirt with other women when he's committed to you, then that's your preference and your mind won't meet with the man I described prior, so no relationship begins or continues. Same with any other preference. You assign the importance of preferences, since your presence is completely voluntary. No one can make you have relations with anyone you don't wish to. Further, you also have free will and can change your mind at any time. This means you could start off not minding the flirting then change your mind and mind it greatly later. All fair. Generally people flirt because sexual attention, whether given or received, can be stimulating and satisfying to the ego. Each of us processes this desire uniquely. Hence, not all men are like your prior boyfriend. Some are, sure. If you prefer not to be with that type of man, then choose not to. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author yellowhibiscus Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 Thank you for the response. You are very right and I've flat out told him that it is something that I can't tolerate. I don't think I can ever go through that again in a relationship. When I'm in a relationship, all of my focus goes to that person so it's really hard to imagine that you would act that way towards someone you love. Different strokes for different folks, I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
Davey L Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Like Carhill said, some men (and women too) flirt a lot. I'm one of them, I have many female friends and flirt with them all. I even flirt with family, my cousin and my sister. I only flirt with women that flirt back, there's is to it, no intention to take it further as I'm married. It's just something that adds a little interest to life. Can you accept this sort of behaviour from a man? Do you have confidence that he has a boundary somewhere as to how far he will let it go? Is it harmless fun or is there a serious intent behind his flirting? To me putting his hand on a woman's butt seems to me to be going a bit far if she's not a close friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Gande Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 I think of those types of a behavior as guys kind of doing a "systems check." Basically, he wants to know if he still has the swagger. It doesn't necessarily mean he is going to act out and cheat, BUT IT MIGHT. Likely, he is just a flirt and likes to get confirmation that women appeal to his moves. He's showing off, essentially. Where it gets tricky is that you have to figure out for yourself "is this guy going to cheat if/when a girl does show she likes the moves, or is he going to step back and say, I can't actually go through with it?" If you think it's the former, then you should probably make clear the boundary between what's friendly flirting and what's going too far. Some people wouldn't have a big problem with grab ass, others would end the relationship immediately. You have to figure out where you are on that sliding scale and make sure your boyfriend knows too. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Yes he is an attention man whore. He probably finds every opportunity to chat up a girl when he sees one. I know someone just like that.....wants to be everyone's friend and be adored. Even tho he is engaged (for sometime now) he is slimy as my husband puts it as he sees him in action. He's supposed to be working but there he is chatting up some lady walkin her dog, or the coffee chick. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 It's all about boundaries/expectations. You feel he over stepped those boundaries, then you are not compatible, because you both have different views on what is ok and not ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 I'm a guy with more female friends than male ones. I also enjoy flirting in an appropriate & respectful manner. I never flirt with my female friends, even the single ones. No even jokingly. That's a boundary I won't cross. I would never grab the ass of some girl that I barely knew, unless we were dating and things were going in that direction. Grabbing the bridesmaid's ass is a sign of class. Imagine how awkward she must have felt. Your ex has some big boundary issues. Decent guys don't do stuff like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yellowhibiscus Posted June 26, 2015 Author Share Posted June 26, 2015 Yes he is an attention man whore. He probably finds every opportunity to chat up a girl when he sees one. I know someone just like that.....wants to be everyone's friend and be adored. Even tho he is engaged (for sometime now) he is slimy as my husband puts it as he sees him in action. He's supposed to be working but there he is chatting up some lady walkin her dog, or the coffee chick. Yes, this is him exactly! I tried not to let it bother me but it clearly did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yellowhibiscus Posted June 26, 2015 Author Share Posted June 26, 2015 I'm a guy with more female friends than male ones. I also enjoy flirting in an appropriate & respectful manner. I never flirt with my female friends, even the single ones. No even jokingly. That's a boundary I won't cross. I would never grab the ass of some girl that I barely knew, unless we were dating and things were going in that direction. Grabbing the bridesmaid's ass is a sign of class. Imagine how awkward she must have felt. Your ex has some big boundary issues. Decent guys don't do stuff like that. Thank you for the reassurance...that's what I thought too. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Decent guys don't do stuff like that. Yes this^^^^^^ Link to post Share on other sites
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