mystikmind2005 Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 (edited) Hmmm, a missed opportunity here i think..... you could have taken the punch, walked away and gone NC for a week or so, then after that she would be eager to give you loyalty over her dad. Either that or go NC permanently which is probably what i would have done. Edited June 25, 2015 by mystikmind2005 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Honestly, I'd stay clear from someone with a family that throws punches. It's not your fault or your GFs, but this is messed up and since your GF apparently isn't the type that turns her back on her own family your relationship with her has no future. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Hmmm, a missed opportunity here i think..... you could have taken the punch, walked away and gone NC for a week or so, then after that she would be eager to give you loyalty over her dad. Yes he should have taken the punch and been the better man by not hitting back, and that would have left him in a better position because his gf wouldn't be mad at him and maybe even the father would feel badly. But he HAD to hit back, he couldn't control his impulses and now things are escalated and dad probably won't allow him to come around and gf will probably dump him anyway- even if she doesn't want to, dad, who pays her bills will give her the ultimatum to get rid of the loser bf or get out of the house. As far as handling the situation by not hitting back and then going NC for a week, that's advising someone to play the old passive aggressive manipulative "silent treatment" game which is not an effective way to handle things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 I think there is more to the story then the simple fact that he was a jerk towards you. Apparently there is nothing new in this regard. I doubt that your girlfriend would totally block you out and not talk to you if she thought it was completely her father's fault. I agree with many of the previous posts, you should have been the bigger man. I have a suggestion - if you really want this relationship to work, and if you want to repair things - have you considered showing up at the house and apologizing? In my mind, for this to have the maximum effect, I would do so even before I speak to my girlfriend again. You want her respect? Apologize to her father, make no excuses for your behavior, and then leave without trying to engage her in conversation. This shows that you are there to make things right because it is right not just to get her back. Good luck. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 No matter what my Dad did, my husband would never hit him out of respect for me. My husband is not the type to just take disrespect, but he tolerates my family because he loves me. I asked him what he would've done in your situation, and he said he'd just walk away. Although it was uncalled for and wrong to make it physical, it sounds like he is just trying to look out for his daughter. She is a grown woman and can make her own choices, but we all want what's best for our kids. It sounds like he thinks she can do better than you. That instinct to protect our kids doesn't just disappear when they turn 18. It's not an excuse, but just an explanation for his behavior. Dads know how men can be and also know their daughters can be naive when it comes to love. So even though he hit first, the perception is that he let his emotions get the best of him out of love for his daughter and a desire to protect her. Your reaction, though, will be perceived as ego driven and disrespectful. She loves him, faults and all, so while you may feel a strong desire to defend yourself and put him in his place, it's not a smart thing to do. You may have won that battle, but you lost a lot more. You should apologize to her, but this will be a difficult situation to overcome. He's an important part of her life, and it will be difficult for her if there is hostility between you two. She may decide that it's just too much and let you go. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Her dad shouldn't have punched you obviously. You could have walked away from it but it was also your right to not walk away and punch back; however, that's her dad and it is unlikely that she will side with you over him. I don't know why he doesn't like you , it may be legit or it may not be, but I don't see things working out between you two if you and her dad don't get along to the point of physical violence. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 I don't agree you should have tolerated his disrespectful attitude towards you, but avoiding him and not arguing with him would have been a better option. He should not have hit you. I presume he saw you as a cheeky upstart who was disrespecting him. It's hard to know from what you describe whether your attitude was part of it too. If you can, it's best to be polite and remain emotionally detached if someone is being denigrating or provocative and happens to be your girlfriend's father. Ultimately, being a man is as much about self control and managing others as it is about standing up for yourself. It's about managing a situation intelligently. If you are not getting on with someone like that, a family member or relative, best to avoid them altogether. You can't win in that situation because people will take sides. I can imagine your girlfriend is torn and shocked. Two people she loved are at war with each other and hurting each other, irrespective of blame. She's bound to wonder whether it could happen again and I think that would be hard for her to cope with. Link to post Share on other sites
StanMusial Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Three words in your future and they're all the same: "Jer-ree, Jer-ree, Jer-ree!" Link to post Share on other sites
Author A.Matos91 Posted June 26, 2015 Author Share Posted June 26, 2015 Just got taken off her facebook and all the other contact list. Early this morning as I was heading to class she texted me on my cell saying ''I think we need to take a break'' followed by an ''will explain later, just don't call. I was obviously hurt and tried calling once but she didn't answer. Later on, she told me the same on my email and mentioned that finishing college is important. Also said her father now doesn't welcome me and will close the door immediately if he sees me, not wanting to hear anything I have to say and how I shouldn't have argued with him. As the message followed she did asked what was I thinking. Then the bad part if her father told that her that if she decides to continue dating me, he will stop paying for her education. Yes, she's upset and as of now it is over. Link to post Share on other sites
WomenWubber Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Time to go NC. Sorry it's over. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 What you did and whatever you said, caused a lot of damage...sometimes you don't get to take back the things you did or said, these things have consequences...which is why you have to think ahead and act appropriately depending on the circumstances and consider the consequences. The man doesn't like you, and it's not clear from the information here exactly why...but he really doesn't approve of you in more way than one and you must have really crossed the line, It's only reasonable to question the type of guy you are as well...is this guy just abusive and overly protective, or does he have something to be protective about. Either way, you need to give this time to blow over, and you really need to think about your actions before you react...everything with you seems very reactive, you've to use your head more and have more patience otherwise you're going to be a very immature looking guy. Without making these wise decisions, you're going to make all the wrong moves and you're going to seal your fate even more. The good news is, many women like men who cause their life drama and problems, so you may not be out of the picture yet. Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Let's see....you or her entire family AND a college degree. I am sorry but sometimes you just have to accept the consequences of your actions. I am sorry for the pain you are in. Remember she is in pain too, be kind to her and go NC. Trying to stay in her life will bring her more pain and conflict. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 (edited) At the moment punches were thrown, it was already too late. Although it's a valid topic, the real big picture question isn't "how should you have responded to the punches?" The real issue is, how did your relationship with her father get to the point where punches were thrown? (Incidentally, I think he was absolutely wrong to throw a punch, and I'm not too critical of you responding in kind, since I believe that the relationship with him was already unrecoverable at that point...) I'm not trying to rub things in, but I'm pointing this out as a learning experience for the future: the fundamental issue here is that there was a huge power imbalance in the relationship between her father and you, and you failed to recognize, understand, and manage that. Fundamental idea: any time you are dating a daughter who is relatively young, and dependent upon her parents, her father will always have more power in the relationship. You failed to recognize this. You were treating the relationship as if it was some kind of an equal-level thing. Look at this: her stupid father... ...her father never liked me from the start and always has been disrespectful... What did he thought, that I was going to stand there and continue being disrespected? I'm just guessing here, but I imagine that your relationship with her father was always an adversarial standoff - you believed he didn't like or respect you, so you refused to give any respect back to him, and things just got worse and worse, didn't they? To the point where you would intentionally provoke him and knowingly escalate an argument, right? But in this case, he had all the power, and you kinda validated his concerns (and his daughter's as well) by failing to recognize that, and by putting your own ego and pride above your love for his daughter. You don't need to wonder why she was shocked - you put your pride before your relationship with her. In an inherently unbalanced relationship, you have little choice but to play your part, or else get destroyed. In this case that would have taken the form of you showing respect and deference early on, and working your way into earning some amount of his trust and respect. You complain that he didn't show you respect... As the one with less power in the relationship, you needed to earn his first - that's just the way unbalanced-power relationships work. And both he and your ex-GF now see you as someone who put pride before your love for her. So by the time you escalated the argument and he (wrongly, I think) punched you, I don't think it mattered how you reacted. You had already set in stone a relationship with him that was failing, it was pretty obvious that things were not going to get any better, and in one way or another, he - the power-holder - was eventually going to exercise his power to remove you. Learning experience. Edited June 26, 2015 by Trimmer 2 Link to post Share on other sites
StanMusial Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 It seems to me the Dad is a little unstable. I am going on this assumption somewhat reluctantly because there's a whole other side to the story that we'll never know. OP mentions "disrespect" and maybe there was some of that but the burden here for respect is on OP due to this being a young girl, still in school, living with her parents. With that being said, if Pops is indeed unstable, I don't know that I would want to get mixed up in her family. There might be some crazy genes. A few years down the road you could be facing a battle royale with the grandpa and your own offspring. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Same argument with his sarcastic comments about how I'll never be good enough and giving me the speech that he's on the lookout if I play with his daughter's feeling, yada, yada. I had it and told him that the only one who gets to decide if she wants to continue being with me and is an adult who can make her own decisions is his daughter and added ''Well maybe you should tell your daughter not to visit my house either'' and explained that it takes two to be in a relationship. At one time he called me stupid. This is when I said like ''Listen mister, I'll continue dating your daughter, you ain't no one to respect me. You're calling me stupid, well you're a stupid ****head too''. I off course pissed off at this moment and didn't care about insulting him for the first time after being tolerant for so long. This is when he punched me and I punched him back. Wow, this is right out of Naked Gun 2 1/2, Leslie Nielson's line Mr Poopy Pants. You and her father were BOTH out of line. He shouldn't have punched you and you shouldn't have punched him back. If it comes down to choosing you vs her father, you may lose out. You two are not married. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 he who punches first, is in the wrong. Its that simple. Two wrongs though do not make it right. I actually think a young man does at some point need to maintain his honor, but not necessarily thru physical contact or force. Most physical/harmful contact happens when the sheer act of openly communciating gets misconstrued. Irrational thoughts lead to irrational behavior. The OP is entirely responsible for how he interpretted the behavior and remarks of the parent. The father sounds like a bully ....yet without both sides being heard , we are left with only partial facts. These are both adults and each needs a dose of civil behavior and communication skills. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 What stopped you from just disengaging and walking away? Instead you chose to stay and to hear what he had to say to you for the 100th time. Link to post Share on other sites
dragon_fly_7 Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 (edited) The OP just described the way my father would also react and has: like a child, always into arguing back and retaliating. He was dating a girl long ago (before marrying my mother) and the mother wasn't happy about it. She was about to slap him but before she could, he replied with an ''Don't disrespect because I'll disrespect you back, stupid old lady''. Needlessly to say that was the last date for him with that girl. I'm sometimes ashamed to even have a father like that. Just like the OP's case, that lady wasn't just any woman, it was the girl's mother and someone older and weaker than him. In another occasion when he was my mother's then bf, he tried to get into a fight with my mother's uncle for calling him stupid twice. My father told him ''Ok then let's solve it man to man''. He was about to take off his shirt but my mother's uncle backed down and didn't want to fight him. I lost tract of how many times he told this story and still thinks he did the right thing. He also thought he was right in threatening that girl's mother like that. Other times he has acted like this: Long ago he encountered an angry female drive that stuck out the middle finger (as a Latina woman, in our country that means insulting someone's mother). He tried arguing with her even when that woman closed her car window and wanted him to get away already. He still wouldn't let it go and ended up chasing her car and calling her ugly due to her severe acne. He nearly wanted to get into a fight with an angry male driver that also stuck out his middle finger. Both my mother and I were telling him to already drop but nope, he wouldn't. Recently last month or so, he was insulted by another angry female driver and he insulted her back. He was bragging to another family member, my mother and I about how he got her good and was like ''She insulted me, I insulted her back''. I would break up with a bf that got aggressive with any of my family members or even threatens to retaliate. The last thing I want is to ever associate with a man like my father. Perhaps the OP's gf already knows how her father is (just like I know how mines is) and doesn't want to deal with a replica of her father. Edited June 26, 2015 by dragon_fly_7 3 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 the dad was baiting you, he must have known what might happen, still became a bullying ass, i have a similar in-law predicament, they are not always easy Link to post Share on other sites
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