BlueParadise Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 (edited) Hi All, I recently went on vacation abroad with a friend where we met up with his friends and family over there. I met a guy who I eventually started hanging out/hooking up with. My friend asked in the beginning of the trip if he had a girlfriend, how he was, what dating was like there, etc, because they hadnt seen each other in years, and he gave an 'oh.. no..' vague kind of answer. It seemed kind of weird but at the beginning he was so shy whenever I was around(something a few of of the people we were with openly teased him about) that I didnt think he spoke much english. Long story short, over the course of three weeks I got to know him and we were hanging out and hooking up. This wasnt a one time drunk hook up. We spent a LOT of time together. He was very nice and ridiculously accommodating. If I was randomly craving bacon(hard to find in that area) he would find it and have it the next morning, if i said my shoulder was sore, the next day he arranged for a masseuse, if I said I wanted to explore the island around the area, he arranged island camping trip, got all the supplies, and took me and my friend there. This is not a dude with a lot of means so I thought it was ridiculously nice of him to do this. We also spent a good amount of time with some of his family/cousins that he is close with and no one said anything about a GF. My friend also asked him a few times throughout the trip if he had a GF(we were discreet about us hooking up) and he always gave the same 'oh.. no..' kind of answer. He added me on FB and we kept in contact after I left(about a month ago). There's no mention of a girl on his profile and his tagged photos are hidden(Edit: I went a few months into his timelime and there is one status update about him feeling in love :/ as well as a few posts about how women are so silly for being paranoid in their relationships). But in my news feed I saw conversations between him and this girl on the comments page of random photos, and its clear that they are romantically involved. It also seems like shes suspicious of him texting other girls and wants him to tell them he has a GF. He responded that 'Youre assuming too much, what if I just want to ask her a question?'. Not sure if that was about me, we hadnt spoken for about a week at that point. Should I say anything? Would you want to know? I'm tempted to leave a comment on one of their convos but not sure. Obviously doing so would lead to some sort of confrontation :/ If it were me I would want to know if my boyfriend were cheating on me, and he is obviously being shady and dishonest. Edited June 25, 2015 by BlueParadise Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 So if definitely seems his poor ignorant gf has very good reason to be suspicious of him texting other girls. I'd say you are hardly the only one he has gone to the trouble to romance when they are visiting his town. I'm sure he's given a few other pretty female tourists some wonderful holiday memories. imo Its not for us to be your moral compass. You do what you think is right in terms of contacting her. You will get people on here telling you to mind your own business and others saying do a favor to someone that you would appreciate in return if you were in the same position. This guy was good to you and gave you a great holiday romance, but at the same time if he was your bf he would be doing the dirty on you with other girls behind your back. Its up to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueParadise Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 Also I'm not sure if this is clear but I should also ad that this guy I met is distantly related to my friend who I went with, which is why we ended up spending so much time together and with his (very large and extendd)family. He's not a random guy I came across. Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 If you are worried about any blow back with your friend if you were to drop the foreign gf a message about her casanova bf, then run things past him first, and see what he says. I'd say he would want you to keep quiet and wouldn't want you to cause his 2nd cousin or whatever he is, any trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueParadise Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 If you are worried about any blow back with your friend if you were to drop the foreign gf a message about her casanova bf, then run things past him first, and see what he says. I'd say he would want you to keep quiet and wouldn't want you to cause his 2nd cousin or whatever he is, any trouble. That's a reason im hesitant. If it was a random person I would be more inclined to say something, but its my friends family. Even though they only see each other once every few years(if even that) they still have a good rapport and a good relationship. My friend knows we had sex once, but I dont think he is aware that we continued after that. Like I said we were discreet.. But I dont want to put him in the middle of something he wasnt involved in in the first place. If I said something to the girl I dont know if the guy would even say anything to my friend and get him involved. I'd say you are hardly the only one he has gone to the trouble to romance when they are visiting his town. I'm sure he's given a few other pretty female tourists some wonderful holiday memories. Doubtful.. in the two weeks we were in his tiny town i only saw 3 non natives. This is a place that very few tourists go, its only locals. But I know what you are saying, just because its a small town doesnt mean hes not talking to other girls. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 (edited) I don't recommend it because if you don't have actual physical proof you two were hooking up, the GF is just going to be duped by his bs or be in denial...obviously he is very good at bsing. Since he purposely hid it from you tho, and was being deceitful, I say go for it and blow his cover right out of the water. BTW I think your friend isn't going to be worried about losing ties with said friend once they find out how much of a shady douche he is. Edited June 26, 2015 by smackie9 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 If he'll do it to her, he'll do it to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueParadise Posted June 26, 2015 Author Share Posted June 26, 2015 (edited) I don't recommend it because if you don't have actual physical proof you two were hooking up, the GF is just going to be duped by his bs or be in denial...obviously he is very good at bsing. Since he purposely hid it from you tho, and was being deceitful, I say go for it and blow his cover right out of the water. BTW I think your friend isn't going to be worried about losing ties with said friend once they find out how much of a shady douche he is. I do have some proof. Nothing crazy but its definitely not platonic. As for my friend losing ties.. my friend and the guy are cousins, so they are definitely not going to lose ties. Its the only thing that makes me hesitate in saying something otherwise I absolutely would. Theyre family and in their culture(esp in their homeland) family is very, very important. My friend is 100% American raised so he doesnt exactly buy into all of that but its still his family. I dont think my friend would find out if i did say something.. Hes pretty removed from the entire situation.. Plus we are back home and in an entirely different country than the guy, but who knows. Youre right though, he was purposefully being deceitful, I do want to blow his cover. But I also dont want to shoot myself in the foot. If the roles were reversed and it was my friend and my cousin, I dont know how I would feel. Most likely I would not want to choose sides. Edited June 26, 2015 by BlueParadise Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueParadise Posted June 26, 2015 Author Share Posted June 26, 2015 (edited) To be honest I am toeing the line between saying something and not saying something, leaning towards saying something. I'm hesitating because this guy and my friend are related and have a good relationship. If by chance word did get to my friend(who is very not involved and didnt know we continued to hook up after the first time) it could put a strain on our friendship. Edited June 26, 2015 by BlueParadise Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 To be honest I am toeing the line between saying something and not saying something, leaning towards saying something. I'm hesitating because this guy and my friend are related and have a good relationship. If by chance word did get to my friend(who is very not involved and didnt know we continued to hook up after the first time) it could put a strain on our friendship. I don't necessarily think you need to provide proof but for sure it would help support your accusation and naturally be great for the gf to confirm your story. You could wait for some time to pass before contacting her using an email account not tied to your name and without providing specifics that can tie you directly to the holiday romance or your friend, you could give her a heads up that he cheats but because you are a friend of his you don't want to give your name or specific details. If I got some unsubstantiated tip off my gf was cheating I certainly wouldn't confront her, but I'd be more vigilant on checking up on her for a while anyway. I'd say it could well cause a strain on your friendship if the cousin gets pissed off his gf dumped him especially if has intentions to marry her. Up to you if the possible downside is worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 (edited) it will strain your friendship, he will feel caught in the middle, uncomfortable and you are turning yourself into gossip-fodder, irredeemably so, as side-piece, sorry, i know that hurts, but as an outsider here, i see this Edited June 26, 2015 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 I do have some proof. Nothing crazy but its definitely not platonic. As for my friend losing ties.. my friend and the guy are cousins, so they are definitely not going to lose ties. Its the only thing that makes me hesitate in saying something otherwise I absolutely would. Theyre family and in their culture(esp in their homeland) family is very, very important. My friend is 100% American raised so he doesnt exactly buy into all of that but its still his family. I dont think my friend would find out if i did say something.. Hes pretty removed from the entire situation.. Plus we are back home and in an entirely different country than the guy, but who knows. Youre right though, he was purposefully being deceitful, I do want to blow his cover. But I also dont want to shoot myself in the foot. If the roles were reversed and it was my friend and my cousin, I dont know how I would feel. Most likely I would not want to choose sides. Then talk to your friend about it and see what they think.....it wouldn't hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 So lesson learned??? don't date close friend's friends or relatives? Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 I would tell. Here is one thing that always bothers me: you see people spewing lame ass excuses as to why you shouldn't inform someone they are being cheated on and made fools of. My favorite is "it is none of my business so I won't tell". The problem is..the person whose business it IS to be telling? Is the one cheating, and they aren't likely to do so unless caught. So really, I don't care if it was a complete stranger, if I knew they were being two timed I'd let them know. Life is far too short to let some piece of crap sap away good years of your life by having you waste them by staying with a scumbag cheater. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Just because someone does the no no doesn't mean they need to be publicly persecuted. These matters are private, and the OP feels that keeping a friendship, and her friends relationship with his cousin is more valuable than this indiscretion. Nothing wrong with that choice TBH. There will be a day he will pick the wrong girl and Karma will take it's course. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamila Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Should I say anything? Would you want to know? I'm tempted to leave a comment on one of their convos but not sure. Obviously doing so would lead to some sort of confrontation :/ If it were me I would want to know if my boyfriend were cheating on me, and he is obviously being shady and dishonest. The question is: what do you want for yourself ? Do you want to keep seeing this guy ? He obviously is being shady about his relationship status. He had sex with you while being with another girl ? That is a huge red flag. I would delete this guy from FB just to have some piece of mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueParadise Posted June 27, 2015 Author Share Posted June 27, 2015 The question is: what do you want for yourself ? Do you want to keep seeing this guy ? He obviously is being shady about his relationship status. He had sex with you while being with another girl ? That is a huge red flag. I would delete this guy from FB just to have some piece of mind. We haven't spoken since I figured out he has a gf. I Didn't have a plans of continuing to 'see' him after I left for many reasons. I do feel bad for his gf :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueParadise Posted June 27, 2015 Author Share Posted June 27, 2015 (edited) I don't necessarily think you need to provide proof but for sure it would help support your accusation and naturally be great for the gf to confirm your story. You could wait for some time to pass before contacting her using an email account not tied to your name and without providing specifics that can tie you directly to the holiday romance or your friend, you could give her a heads up that he cheats but because you are a friend of his you don't want to give your name or specific details. If I got some unsubstantiated tip off my gf was cheating I certainly wouldn't confront her, but I'd be more vigilant on checking up on her for a while anyway. I'd say it could well cause a strain on your friendship if the cousin gets pissed off his gf dumped him especially if has intentions to marry her. Up to you if the possible downside is worth it. Ha, I thought about sending her an anonymous message. However even the fact that Id write in English might tip him off. Everyone there soeaks very good English but amoungst themselves they mostly speak their local language. Who knows, still considering it. Edited June 27, 2015 by BlueParadise Link to post Share on other sites
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