Boyfriend said his ex gf was hotter than me during an argument... jealous & insecure

[anita_dolce_vita]

:)Hello everyone, I am in a long term relationship of four years with my boyfriend. Largely this has been good and fun and i always thought we were well matched and very attracted to eachother BUT lately we have been arguing more and i feel more insecure..........

 

During a really bad argument quite recently (an argument that got very out of hand) my boyfriend said in a temper that i am 'fat and ugly', that he 'could get better than me', that he 'had been with way hotter girls than me' and he said he had 'been with models, etc' before me...

 

and that's all really nasty, but as if that wasn't bad enough he then went even further as the argument got out of hand- which is the part that annoyed me the most- he actually went on to name a particular girl (an ex of his) who he had been with in the past before me, he named her surname and first name and actually said to me ''you should look her up!" ...i guess so i could see how amazing she is! ...and in this age of social networking i knew i could do just that...

 

i know i shouldn't have looked, but later on curiousity got the better of me and i did a search for her on social media to see if the name he dropped was actually a real person or just said to annoy me... Low and behold she is a real person and from doing a bit of detective work on facebook i know he did have a thing with her many years ago before he met me.

 

the problem is, i keep looking at her photos now, obsessing over them, comparing myself, etc. and i keep thinking why did she suddenly pop into his head after all this time?- had he bumped into her or been looking at her profile recently or even seeing her behind my back?! ..my mind is now going crazy.

 

i am quite a vain person (actually more insecure than vain to be honest) i wear alot of makeup and always try to look my best, some would say i am a little obsessed with my appearance and i do generally get told i am attractive- so if you wanted to hurt me, insulting my appearance is a really good way to do so! however, this was more than simply insulting my appearance as he actually compared me to an ex of his, and that is the part that hurts. i can't be with someone who wishes they were elsewhere with someone else!

 

What is even weirder, from my perspective i actually didn't find her that attractive or outstanding when i looked at her photos! (just being honest) but i guess that is just my opinion. The point is thought that he must find her attractive if he brought her name up and now i'm thinking that all the time he has been with me, all these years, he has actually been obsessed with her- which makes me feel physically sick!

 

i also want to point out i am NOT innocent in all this, i was verbally abusive back to him in this argument, i called him ugly and i called him bald (he is self concious of his hair) and i said other absolutely vile things that i didn't mean simply just to hurt him. However, the point is that while i said repulsive things i did not name other guys, or name drop exes of mine or compare him to anyone else or a specific person like he did to me. i have never mentioned exes of mine to him.

 

i tired to forget about the argument because i didn't want to bring it up again and look insecure but i had to talk to him about it as it was playing on my mind- so i told him the words he used had been bothering me still and he said that he had been drunk the night he said those things and that it was only said to hurt me, he said he knew if he insulted my looks it would get to me and he didn't mean it. he also said that he made the girl's name up our of his head (this is a lie- social media is a wonderful thing- the girl is real and he did used to date her)

 

 

ok, so..... should i end this relationship? how do i get the image of this ex gf out of my head and stop obsessing over her?

 

do any of you think he was seeing her behind my back and that's why the name came up? i know this will sound paranoid but why name this one specific person?!

 

i'm sad because he always said he was very attracted to me and that he fancied me more than any other girl he had ever been with.. now i'm thinking this was just a line that he fed me

 

he said he didn't mean the things he said to me and he has not mentioned the horrible things i said to him, he has been able to get over this argument but i can't because a particular real person was brought into it by him and thats the difference.

 

i can be quite a jealous and insecure girl anyway but this has made me even worse- has he been seeing her or something? I don't know her, i had never heard of her before, her name literally came out of nowhere after four years! i know i am focusing a lot on this one girl when he has said other vile things to me, but i can almost forgive the rest of the abuse because i insulted his looks also- but i can't forgive the mentioning of this name

 

has this ever happened to anyone else on here?

 

please help

 

what should i do?

Edited June 25, 2015 by anita_dolce_vita

[smackie9]

I know you are in shock at what was said to you, but you must see that it is not WHAT he said to you in the heat of the moment, it's the intension of hurting you and making you feel bad about yourself. Look at the damage it has caused, and this is what he wanted. Yes dump him, because no one that truly cares about you would ever do such a thing. You deserve better....he's an abusive jerk.....GET OUT!

[anita_dolce_vita]

thanks for the reply, my friend told me that regardless of WHAT was said, i should end it because he was emotionally abusive. However, i know that in the argument that night I also said vile, nasty things to hurt him too- the difference is i didn't compare him to anyone or mention a specific person's name:(

[stillafool]

I think you both should dump each other. It's clear you don't have good communication. You two just seem to hurt each other. Not a good match. Move on.

[stillafool]

How many of this thread do you have going?

[anita_dolce_vita]

sorry just two- apologies for the double post i didn't know which section it was most applicable to! different people seem to read different sections- i figured i need all the help i can get:(

[anita_dolce_vita]

ok i see your point. what is your opinion on this ex gf? was it simply just a matter of hurting me then or do you think he was seeing her/still in love with her or something? i can't get her out of my head (yet weirdly i can completely block out the fact that he called me ugly and fat!)

[elaine567]

After years together if your relationship is such that you are resorting to verbally abusing one another, and hurting one another then that is a sign you need to leave.

He also chose to lie to you, while making his peace.

 

Do not make do. Do not stay if you are arguing a lot and he is making you very insecure.

Realise the relationship has most likely run its course and other men will treat you better.

[wizer]

As others have wisely suggested, this relationship has turned sour and run it's course. Forget about the comparison to the ex gf, yes, that was bad, and you'll probably never get past it but even if he never went there, look at what's happening here. Fiighting, hurtful name calling, the relationship is toxic and you're only together because it's familiar and comforting as opposed to getting back out there and starting over with someone new. But that is exactly what you need to do.

[elaine567]

ok i see your point. what is your opinion on this ex gf? was it simply just a matter of hurting me then or do you think he was seeing her/still in love with her or something? i can't get her out of my head (yet weirdly i can completely block out the fact that he called me ugly and fat!)

 

That is because you have enough self esteem to realise that you are NOT fat and ugly and you can dismiss what he said as rubbish.

However unfavorably comparing you with a real live person is something you cannot dismiss because you are not in his mind, you do not know what he really thinks, so you cannot dismiss that as just rubbish.

He may in fact feel that way and that is why it has hit home for you.

[sandylee1]

Anger or not , he was way out of line and I would end the relationship. He said it to hurt you , but he does think it.

 

I could not be intimate and have feelings for anyone who did that to me. Those words would haunt me as long as I was with him.

 

Where is the relationship going if he can be that nasty.

 

Unless you compared him to one of your ex BFs , there is NO excuse. Get rid of him.

[wizer]

You don't 'need all the help you can get' you need to be honest with yourself and realize this relationship is dead.

[anita_dolce_vita]

ok thank you for your honesty.

 

i guess i've been wondering if people thought he really meant the things he said to me about this ex or whether it was only said to cause hurt, maybe some of you think that is irrelevant. perhaps i was just trying to repair my ego, hoping he didn't actually still desire her.

[anita_dolce_vita]

thanks for all the replies, they all make sense.

 

it was the comparing me to a real live person and the fact that i can't dismiss it because he must have meant it, otherwise why would she pop into his head.

 

also i agree that this will forever be in my head if i stay with him because nothing he can say can take it back or make it better and this insecurity will eat away at me.

 

how could i sleep with im after that? i'm going to be think that he wishes i was her

 

i know the argument was a drunken one but while i can forget the childish name calling of 'ugly' and 'fat' i can't forgive him for saying she is better than me, he must have thought about her all this time.

[wizer]

Yes its fairly obvious that he never got over her and she was always the one who "got away".

 

I'm sure she was the dumper.

 

Everyone he has dated since then was probably 2nd best.

[Fleur de cactus]

Yes, just run, end it, it is not worth. Forget about comparing yourself to his ex. You may be nice , beautiful, and all good qualities than his ex, but comparing you to his ex is a way to hurt you. This is a control thing, he wants to make sure you believe that he is doing you a favor by being in relationship with you. This is a devaluation, an insult, a degradation. Just run! This is not healthy relationship. The man I was in relationship with did the same thing to me, and I told him if the ex is better why don't you go back to her? I ended the relationship. He went back to her. After a couple of months, she kicked him out. He is now moving from a woman to another. No reason to stay with him. You are just unique individual, you do not have to be like anyone else. You are who you are no reason to compare to another person.

[elaine567]

ok thank you for your honesty.

 

i guess i've been wondering if people thought he really meant the things he said to me about this ex or whether it was only said to cause hurt, maybe some of you think that is irrelevant. perhaps i was just trying to repair my ego, hoping he didn't actually still desire her.

 

I am of the opinion that alcohol tends to loosen the tongue and the truth often comes out.

He didn't blurt out Rhianna or KK or some other hot celebrity like some might in the heat of the moment, he mentioned "models" and a specific woman..

She was the one uppermost in his thoughts, she was the one he chose to hurt you with and you have every right to be upset.

I guess he did tell you the truth as he sees it.

Sorry!

 

Objectively we may think you are actually better looking, if we were to judge between the two of you, but it is what he thinks that matters to you and that is why being with someone who likely feels he "settled" with you is never a good idea.

Bringing up the models and other women he has been with is not cool, even in a fight.

Let him take his balding head off somewhere else.

Go and be with someone who appreciates you for you.

[anita_dolce_vita]

thanks for the replies

 

thank you Elaine, you speak alot of sense- i get exactly what you mean- he didn't name just a random hot famous person. also its that fact that he gave me her name and told me ''look her up on facebook" as if she is so superior to me, that is just vile telling me to do that- and then i'm sad enough that i actually did search for her!

 

that's why i started to get paranoid that he was meeting her or seeing her behind my back lately (she lives locally!) ..because why else would she just be right there in his foremost thoughts?

[anita_dolce_vita]

also i feel like i can't talk to him about it and have an intelligent discussion about what he said because i feel that if i bring it up and bring her name up in a conversation i'm actually making myself look even more pathetic and insecure and actually it's like i'm putting her above me as better than me (i don't think she is better than me, but the point is he might) ... to bring this up again in a conversation with him it's almost like i'm asking him for validation that he didn't mean it. because if i accuse him of still loving her or having an obsession with her, then he can just deny it and i will look crazy, paranoid and insecure!

[TaraMaiden2]

So one can safely presume he will shortly be 'History'.... yes?

[anita_dolce_vita]

yes, but i'm probably still going to torture myself now thinking if he was fantasizing about her while sleeping with me.. or even seeing her behind my back.. or looking longingly at her facebook photographs all while being with me. this makes me feel like a piece of crap. i don't even think she is that special, but he must

 

it just makes me feel sick i which he had never name dropped her and i'd never have known who she was

[wizer]

She dumped him, therefore he has glamorized the relationship and put her on a pedestal. He's not seeing her in a realistic way. Don't buy into his fantasies.

[amaysngrace]

He said something to hurt you and it worked. That's mean of him to intentionally set out to hurt the person he supposedly cares about.

 

He's probably not with that last GF because he was mean to her too.

 

That's the thing you should realize...he didn't say what he said to hurt you because you're you...he did it because he's him.

 

You?...the last one?...the next one?....he will treat you all like crap. It's who he is.

[stillafool]

ok thank you for your honesty.

 

i guess i've been wondering if people thought he really meant the things he said to me about this ex or whether it was only said to cause hurt, maybe some of you think that is irrelevant. perhaps i was just trying to repair my ego, hoping he didn't actually still desire her.

 

Yes I believe he meant what he said about his ex. He let it slip out in anger. He cannot control his mouth and it seems you have the same problem. Break up with him and learn to communicate better in your next relationship.

[stillafool]

also i feel like i can't talk to him about it and have an intelligent discussion about what he said because i feel that if i bring it up and bring her name up in a conversation i'm actually making myself look even more pathetic and insecure and actually it's like i'm putting her above me as better than me (i don't think she is better than me, but the point is he might) ... to bring this up again in a conversation with him it's almost like i'm asking him for validation that he didn't mean it. because if i accuse him of still loving her or having an obsession with her, then he can just deny it and i will look crazy, paranoid and insecure!

 

Don't bring it up, just break up and go NC with him.