How to stay strong during transition period??

[Sharpie77]

I'm really struggling.

 

Some of you have probably seen my story around here before - so I won't get into too many details.

 

38 years old. Wife is 34. Been together for 12 years - married nearly 9. We have a 5.5 year-old-son and a 3 year-old-daughter.

 

In late 2008 we lost our first child - our daughter - at birth. It was emotionally devastating and I think it planted the seeds of our eventual separation.

 

Wife said she was out in March of this year. Divorce should be final sometime before end of July.

 

She claims I changed: I stopped being there for her like she needed me to be there for her. Our priorities changed: she felt I was more there for the kids at the expense of our relationship. We stopped communicating on the same level.

 

I will always think it was fixable and I've spent the last three months under the hood trying to find the guy I used to be - the guy she fell in love with and while we have had periods where it "felt" like things were hopeful - it has never been enough.

 

Now I discover she is most likely already pursuing my replacement.

 

We still live in the same house. We spend time together - for the most part good time together. We're actually getting along better than we have in a long time. We cook and eat together. We parent together.

 

I know it's going to end - I'm not deluding myself that she is going to pull back and stop this at the last second. I have been working on myself and doing what I can to secure the best future for myself and my kids (50/50 split on custody and placement).

 

This transition period is just becoming SO brutal. I sustained myself with hope and the good time we shared between us - but now with that gone I feel really empty and the depression has well and truly set in.

 

I feel like I can't even look her in the face anymore. The despair just follows me around and all I can do is put on a brave face and act like everything is sunshine and blue skies while inside I feel like I'm caving in.

 

I actually called into work sick yesterday for the first time in a decade. I woke up and my body was just rebelling - I was in and out of the bathroom - my body aching. I spent most of the day huddled in bed or asleep on the couch.

 

I keep telling myself that I'll bounce back - that I'm a good guy - and I believe it - but right here and right now the pain is almost unbearable.

[Movingforward2]

Most on this board have had that same feeling. It's the most brutal thing I've ever been through, but it does get better with time. I'm over a year divorced and split for 2 years, but it never leaves my mind.

 

It's one step forward, 3 steps back. Do your best to get in the gym, get some individual counseling where you can get things off your chest. It definitely isn't easy, but it will get better. Stay busy. Do things with your kids. It wakes you up on the priorities of life and you will be better for it.

[Sharpie77]

Most on this board have had that same feeling. It's the most brutal thing I've ever been through, but it does get better with time. I'm over a year divorced and split for 2 years, but it never leaves my mind.

 

It's one step forward, 3 steps back. Do your best to get in the gym, get some individual counseling where you can get things off your chest. It definitely isn't easy, but it will get better. Stay busy. Do things with your kids. It wakes you up on the priorities of life and you will be better for it.

 

Thanks!

 

I am seeing a therapist and yes - it does help.

 

The time with my kids - that's what keeps me going. They're the few bright spots in my life right now.

 

I agree - staying busy helps.

 

I just wish I could shake this depression. It just hangs on me. I'm sad and scared and everything.

[wizer]

You need medication.

[Movingforward2]

Thanks!

 

I am seeing a therapist and yes - it does help.

 

The time with my kids - that's what keeps me going. They're the few bright spots in my life right now.

 

I agree - staying busy helps.

 

I just wish I could shake this depression. It just hangs on me. I'm sad and scared and everything.

 

Do you exercise? That has helped me tremendously. I've probably lost 50 lbs., and feel better than I have in years.

[Sharpie77]

Do you exercise? That has helped me tremendously. I've probably lost 50 lbs., and feel better than I have in years.

 

I do!

 

I've actually spent the last three months eating better and exercising. I'm down to nearly my high school weight and yes - I do feel really good physically.

 

Physically I feel like I'm in great shape - mentally and emotionally I'm a complete mess.

 

I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams. I cannot concentrate. I cannot focus. I feel like I'm on the verge of a constant panic attack - yet I never quite have one.

 

I do have medication - and I've gone to my anti-anxiety medication a lot recently - but even that is not enough.

[wizer]

I do have medication - and I've gone to my anti-anxiety medication a lot recently - but even that is not enough.

 

Sometimes you need a different medication.

 

I was through a long, nasty divorce and during that time effexor and then cymbalta helped even me out quite nicely. If you haven't tried those I suggest you speak to your doc about them.

[Sharpie77]

Sometimes you need a different medication.

 

I was through a long, nasty divorce and during that time effexor and then cymbalta helped even me out quite nicely. If you haven't tried those I suggest you speak to your doc about them.

 

I will.

 

I have an appointment with the psychiatrist on the 1st.

 

I'm on Zoloft and Valium right now.

[wizer]

The medications I suggested are an entirely different class of drugs and may be exactly what you need.

[I Just Wanna b Happy]

I know exactly how you feel. I'm still struggling with my separation but a few weeks ago I was in the worse mental shape of my life. What made it worse was the fact that my stbxw had already found my replacement (affair partner). Visions of what they were doing as I sat in pain made it 10x worse. Now, I just focus on how crappy of a person she is and keep busy. It is still a struggle but I am getting better. It will just take time.

[Sharpie77]

I know exactly how you feel. I'm still struggling with my separation but a few weeks ago I was in the worse mental shape of my life. What made it worse was the fact that my stbxw had already found my replacement (affair partner). Visions of what they were doing as I sat in pain made it 10x worse. Now, I just focus on how crappy of a person she is and keep busy. It is still a struggle but I am getting better. It will just take time.

 

Thanks!

 

She sent me a text a little while ago saying that her lawyer was sending over the final papers and that we had to look them over and sign and then her lawyer would set a date with the court commissioner and we'd make it official.

 

I thought for the longest time we'd work this out. There were times when it seemed hopeful. We've been through so much together. We buried a child together.

 

I don't know if I'll ever truly understand her reasons for ending our marriage. I know I'll never agree with her on this.

 

It sounds like she is already chasing my replacement. I have no idea how long that has been going on and if it had anything to do with her ending us or with her speeding the process along so quickly or with her steadfastness in ever considering whether or not she was doing the right thing.

 

I have so much weighing on my mind right now. I need to get the house refinanced in my name so the kids and I have a roof over our heads. I hope that goes okay. It means a lot to me to be able to offer them some stability.

 

I just never believed we would end this way. We started with something so strong and I don't know where it went off of the rails - but it did. It just hurts so damned much. It's like having my soul ripped out.

 

I know the pain of losing a child. This isn't that far behind.

[81West]

I once compared losing love while you were still in it to being awake during surgery. A particular combination of agony and helplessness that is reserved, thankfully, for few things in life. I'm sorry this is your reality right now. Mine too.

 

I'm so sorry too that you've had two such major losses in just a handful of years. What else can you feel than what you feel right now? You've earned your sense of desolation, earned your anxiety. It's a hell of thing that the only way out is through.

 

Your wife's choices don't rule out another man in the wings, but they're also consistent with the story you've told of a woman who feels she tried and eventually gave up. It's sad, but once women have disconnected or fallen out of love with someone it's rare that we can ever find it again. It's just the way things are, and I can't say exactly why, though I think it's probably rooted in how tremendously difficult it is to feel abandoned by a man. I'm about as independent and self-sufficient as people come, but there is something about feeling abandoned that evokes an almost primal sense of being left on some ancient tundra to be eaten by sabre tooth tigers or something. As independent as I am, I still want to feel protected and like he could never leave me behind. I still want him to slay the dragons. It's a terrible feeling of vulnerability and rejection that you just can't live with for very long. So you don't.

 

Keep posting. There is an 'other side' to get to. Always. I pinky swear promise you you'll get there. Steve Jobs once said “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever". There's a zillion variations of this sentiment over time, mostly because it's true. There will be some place of future happiness and peace and normalcy though which you will view this bleak and anxious time as having been absolutely necessary to get you there.

[Sharpie77]

I once compared losing love while you were still in it to being awake during surgery. A particular combination of agony and helplessness that is reserved, thankfully, for few things in life. I'm sorry this is your reality right now. Mine too.

 

I'm so sorry too that you've had two such major losses in just a handful of years. What else can you feel than what you feel right now? You've earned your sense of desolation, earned your anxiety. It's a hell of thing that the only way out is through.

 

Your wife's choices don't rule out another man in the wings, but they're also consistent with the story you've told of a woman who feels she tried and eventually gave up. It's sad, but once women have disconnected or fallen out of love with someone it's rare that we can ever find it again. It's just the way things are, and I can't say exactly why, though I think it's probably rooted in how tremendously difficult it is to feel abandoned by a man. I'm about as independent and self-sufficient as people come, but there is something about feeling abandoned that evokes an almost primal sense of being left on some ancient tundra to be eaten by sabre tooth tigers or something. As independent as I am, I still want to feel protected and like he could never leave me behind. I still want him to slay the dragons. It's a terrible feeling of vulnerability and rejection that you just can't live with for very long. So you don't.

 

Keep posting. There is an 'other side' to get to. Always. I pinky swear promise you you'll get there. Steve Jobs once said “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever". There's a zillion variations of this sentiment over time, mostly because it's true. There will be some place of future happiness and peace and normalcy though which you will view this bleak and anxious time as having been absolutely necessary to get you there.

 

A really, truly awesome post. Thank you very much!!

[Sharpie77]

I once compared losing love while you were still in it to being awake during surgery. A particular combination of agony and helplessness that is reserved, thankfully, for few things in life. I'm sorry this is your reality right now. Mine too.

 

I'm so sorry too that you've had two such major losses in just a handful of years. What else can you feel than what you feel right now? You've earned your sense of desolation, earned your anxiety. It's a hell of thing that the only way out is through.

 

Your wife's choices don't rule out another man in the wings, but they're also consistent with the story you've told of a woman who feels she tried and eventually gave up. It's sad, but once women have disconnected or fallen out of love with someone it's rare that we can ever find it again. It's just the way things are, and I can't say exactly why, though I think it's probably rooted in how tremendously difficult it is to feel abandoned by a man. I'm about as independent and self-sufficient as people come, but there is something about feeling abandoned that evokes an almost primal sense of being left on some ancient tundra to be eaten by sabre tooth tigers or something. As independent as I am, I still want to feel protected and like he could never leave me behind. I still want him to slay the dragons. It's a terrible feeling of vulnerability and rejection that you just can't live with for very long. So you don't.

 

Keep posting. There is an 'other side' to get to. Always. I pinky swear promise you you'll get there. Steve Jobs once said “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever". There's a zillion variations of this sentiment over time, mostly because it's true. There will be some place of future happiness and peace and normalcy though which you will view this bleak and anxious time as having been absolutely necessary to get you there.

 

"The other man in the wings..."

 

Yeah, that's a new wrinkle to the story. All I saw were some "interesting" text messages - but no smoking gun. There was a lot of flirtatious banter and she did want to meet him for dinner and drinks on Friday night - but that never happened for whatever reason. The guy is a longtime client at her salon and is either recently divorced or separated. There was a reference to something awkward happening between them - but without a frame of reference that could mean a lot.

 

Like I said - no smoking gun - and at this point - what would it accomplish to confront her?

 

That said - it's like getting kicked while you're already down. I'm already at a very low point - grieving the loss of the woman I love - and then I find out that maybe she's already got someone else to usher in?

 

I think about how hard I worked over the past three months to find my way back to her heart - and I can live with the fact that it didn't work - but to find out it didn't work because she was chasing some other dude - wow - that makes it somehow worse.

 

It doesn't change the fact that I have to move on and take of myself - but it changes how I feel about her - and that makes me extra sad.

 

I had hoped we could get through this loss with the dignity I think it deserved - but she's quite possibly sullied that chance.

 

I guess I wanted both of us to have a clean start - to go through this final chapter together.

 

I keep seeing elements of a mid-life crisis in her behavior (though she's only 34). She's been going out a lot more with friends and whenever she goes out she plasters Facebook with photos and descriptions that make it sound like she's having a simply incredible social life.

 

Meanwhile - I chose to spend most of "my" nights at home with our kids. I'm not making myself out to be a martyr - but then again, I guess I am. I feel like a night out is a luxury when you have small kids. If I get one here or there I'll take it - but I feel like my job is to be home with my kids as much as possible. When it's her weekend she jumps at any chance to take off - and she'll even do it on "my" weekends because she knows I'll stay with the kids.

 

The whole thing is a mess. She has become someone I don't know - and that is very sad.

[I Just Wanna b Happy]

I think it is important that you now put your foot down. If it is your time to enjoy the weekend, you need to do so. This is a hard time and you can use all the "enjoyment" possible. She should not be stepping out on your time. I know how it is. You do not want the conflict in hopes of reconciling. I was there. I let my stbxw run over me in hopes of winning her back. It didn't work. It only made her take further advantage of me until I had enough.

 

This is unimaginable pain. I know. But you must realize reconciling is out of the question. Now it is time to move on. First move is to take your manhood back and stand up for yourself. I'm rooting for you Sharpie......It's gonna be alright.

[andyg99]

One piece of advice - discontinue your Facebook account and any other social media that you are her on on... when this is behind you get back online without her as a contact....

 

Looking at posts and pictures of her going out and having a good time is like self torture....

 

It gets better....

[81West]

I think it is important that you now put your foot down. If it is your time to enjoy the weekend, you need to do so. This is a hard time and you can use all the "enjoyment" possible. She should not be stepping out on your time. I know how it is. You do not want the conflict in hopes of reconciling. I was there. I let my stbxw run over me in hopes of winning her back. It didn't work. It only made her take further advantage of me until I had enough.

 

This is unimaginable pain. I know. But you must realize reconciling is out of the question. Now it is time to move on. First move is to take your manhood back and stand up for yourself. I'm rooting for you Sharpie......It's gonna be alright.

 

I can't say my interpretation was correct, but I didn't read the extra time with his kids as any kind of attempt at winning favour or as an affront to his manhood. He's not at the enjoying-the-weekend-out stage yet, and he probably finds time with his kids grounding, anxiety reducing and and just about the best thing he's got going on right now. Good for the kids too, for now. He'll find his mojo again when it's time.

[Mr. Lucky]

We still live in the same house. We spend time together - for the most part good time together. We're actually getting along better than we have in a long time. We cook and eat together. We parent together.

 

Going to be tough to move on until you stop playing married couple together. It's almost as if you're being cheated on given your living situation and daily closeness and that pain on top of your grief is a huge load to bear.

 

You need to establish a new normal in a healthy emotional space that prioritizes you and your kids without her. Your current set-up is like water torture, you get to put the band-aid on and rip it off anew every day. Time to physically separate...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sharpie77]

Going to be tough to move on until you stop playing married couple together. It's almost as if you're being cheated on given your living situation and daily closeness and that pain on top of your grief is a huge load to bear.

 

You need to establish a new normal in a healthy emotional space that prioritizes you and your kids without her. Your current set-up is like water torture, you get to put the band-aid on and rip it off anew every day. Time to physically separate...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

We would have by now - but she doesn't really have anywhere to go. She was going to stay with her sister - but that fell through. My feeling is that her sister doesn't really see eye-to-eye with her on the divorce and when she made it a little uncomfortable my wife backed away. She then was going to stay with mutual friends - but they had a falling out. She next had plans to stay with one of her friends - but something happened there, as well.

 

Her mom and dad don't live in town.

 

We were going to go the route where the kids would stay in the house 24-7 - but we'd "leave" when it wasn't our night. My mom and dad live right down the road and I have an uncle who lives close by and a sister. It would not have been an issue for me.

 

I'm not the kind of guy who is going to simply tell her to get out when it isn't her night - so this is the pattern we've fallen into.

 

It's going to end soon. She is looking at condos. She has to get off of the mortgage - which is in the works. Then she can get her own financing.

 

As far as going out - that's a tough one right now. I know I need to do it more often. My kids are like my one bright light right now. They have become so important. They keep me grounded and remind me what I need to keep going for. When I play with them it's like I can almost forget how crummy my personal life has gotten. They calm me down. I think I would have lost my mind by now without them.

 

I will have plenty of free time down the road once we're living separately. I'm lucky that I'll still get to see the kids a lot. If I don't have them at night - I'll see them in the morning for a little while. Sure, when it is not my weekend I will go through longer spells without them - but since my wife works Saturdays - I'll pretty much have them every Saturday from 7:30 until around 3.

 

It's all weird - and no - it probably doesn't help that we're still living in the same house. We sat up last night and had a glass of wine and shared some laughs and then slept in the same bed - which we've pretty much done every night. It's either that or someone takes the couch - and I've done that enough to know I hate it. We've simply put a body pillow down the center of the bed so she has her half and I have my half - though it's not so much a physical separation as it is a mental one.

[Sharpie77]

I can't say my interpretation was correct, but I didn't read the extra time with his kids as any kind of attempt at winning favour or as an affront to his manhood. He's not at the enjoying-the-weekend-out stage yet, and he probably finds time with his kids grounding, anxiety reducing and and just about the best thing he's got going on right now. Good for the kids too, for now. He'll find his mojo again when it's time.

 

Yeah, pretty much it. I've always been the "hand's on" parent. I guess I've always thought that when I decided to have kids that I was trading in my life for awhile and their life would become mine. They're both so small and they look to us for everything. It hurts that my wife doesn't seem to value that as much as I do. When it's her time - she's generally making plans and going out. I could do more of that - but right now being home with my kids (and we do go out - I take them places - we do things together and have a lot of fun) is what keeps me sane. I love hearing their little voices chattering away as they run through the house.

 

What will be tough is when we go to our placement schedule. I'll still see them a lot - just not as much as I used to (obviously). I'll have them every Tuesday and Thursday night and every other weekend. I'll still get to see them on Monday and Wednesday morning when I drop them off. I guess as an added bonus I also get them every Saturday during the day because my wife works - so even on her weekend I'll get to see them.

 

I'm just fearing the longer spells of not being with them. Once I drop them off on Saturday on her weekend I won't see them again until Tuesday night. It's going to be really tough on them, too - because they're both so close to me.

 

When they wake up in the middle of the night they call for me. When they wake up in the morning they want me. Like I said - I've always been the hand's on parent - the one down on the floor playing with them and I've told her she needs to do a better job of being that parent, too - but behaviors have already been established that will make the transition hard on the kids, too.

[Mr. Lucky]

What will be tough is when we go to our placement schedule. I'll still see them a lot - just not as much as I used to (obviously). I'll have them every Tuesday and Thursday night and every other weekend. I'll still get to see them on Monday and Wednesday morning when I drop them off. I guess as an added bonus I also get them every Saturday during the day because my wife works - so even on her weekend I'll get to see them.

 

I'm just fearing the longer spells of not being with them. Once I drop them off on Saturday on her weekend I won't see them again until Tuesday night. It's going to be really tough on them, too - because they're both so close to me.

 

When they wake up in the middle of the night they call for me. When they wake up in the morning they want me. Like I said - I've always been the hand's on parent - the one down on the floor playing with them and I've told her she needs to do a better job of being that parent, too - but behaviors have already been established that will make the transition hard on the kids, too.

 

If this is the case, why does the custodial arrangement seem to prioritize her? Seems you should have them more, her less...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sharpie77]

If this is the case, why does the custodial arrangement seem to prioritize her? Seems you should have them more, her less...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

We work off-setting work schedules - makes things complicated - but it works out pretty even.

[norudder]

We work off-setting work schedules - makes things complicated - but it works out pretty even.

 

My ex and I did something similar. Lived together separated until house situation was worked out and now do as close to 50/50 as possible. I have M/W he has Tues/Thurs and we switch every other weekend but he has primary residency technically since his schedule accommodates him being available to see them off to school and after school until I pick them up.

 

The living together was awkward and difficult. I initiated the divorce I think he was stalling a bit in hopes I'd change my mind. Also he didn't really want to have to support himself. It just wasn't healthy at all. Things only got better between us after moving.

 

That transition though is brutal. I thought I was ready but when it came to the reality of facing those days without my kids there, their empty beds, it was tough. I still cry sometimes after dropping them off. Its slowly becoming the new normal though.

 

I wish you well through your journey!

[Sharpie77]

My ex and I did something similar. Lived together separated until house situation was worked out and now do as close to 50/50 as possible. I have M/W he has Tues/Thurs and we switch every other weekend but he has primary residency technically since his schedule accommodates him being available to see them off to school and after school until I pick them up.

 

The living together was awkward and difficult. I initiated the divorce I think he was stalling a bit in hopes I'd change my mind. Also he didn't really want to have to support himself. It just wasn't healthy at all. Things only got better between us after moving.

 

That transition though is brutal. I thought I was ready but when it came to the reality of facing those days without my kids there, their empty beds, it was tough. I still cry sometimes after dropping them off. Its slowly becoming the new normal though.

 

I wish you well through your journey!

 

I know the actual "healing" can begin once we actually separate - but it will be so hard when I don't have the kids. I like to think I'm good at keeping myself busy. I can generally always find something to occupy my time - but I just know it is still going to be brutal. Those nights when I come home and the house is quiet. Yes - their empty little beds. The toys untouched. The "joyous noise" of children absent. That will be really, really hard. I have an idea what I need to do - to throw myself into projects - to reach out to my support network. It's just that I'll see reminders of them wherever I look: toys and clothes and bedrooms and little cups and plates in the dishwasher. I know I'll find myself staring into their darkened bedrooms as I move about my evening - and I know I'll look forward to the numbing presence of sleep a lot more than I already do. It's going to be really, really rough.

 

My wife likes to act like it really won't bother her. Time apart from the kids will allow her to have the busy social life she's been missing and it will allow her the peace and quiet she hasn't had enough of. She acts like it will be a relief to her when she doesn't have the kids because she'll be able to indulge in "her" life - and I just don't see it that way. Maybe that highlights a key difference between ourselves - selfishness versus selflessness.

 

I know there will come a time when those two little ones will have their own lives filled with activities that I will drop them off at. They will have friends and I will lose hours and days in an increasing number. They will find things they would rather do than hang out with dad - where building Lego on the floor isn't as important as soccer practice or playing with princess dolls isn't as much fun as going over to a friend's house.