Gone psycho

[beach]

This may sound like an excuse, but where I live there are only AA meetings once a week at 8 p.m. I currently live out of town and usually am in bed by 7. However, I am moving into town next week and will be just feet from AA meetings so I plan to start attending again.

If I wasn't drunk I wouldn't have a. engaged with MMs daughter in such a terrible way; b. phoned his wife; c. tried to kill myself. Although I was dead serious when I did it, I did it very much under the influence.

I'm still feeling pretty down. Life seems kind of overwhelming right now. I have to move and I'm all by myself and have no one to help me. My son is not currently speaking to me because I tried to kill myself. He also lives in another province. I know I sound like a pity party but at least I don't have any urges to contact MM or his family.

Today I am having disturbing pains in the area of my liver. This could be due to the fact that I may have damaged it from taking 100 tylenol with codeine. I really should have seen a doctor but I was afraid I would be committed.

 

Are you drinking lots of fluids to flush your system of toxins? Gatorade may help.

 

If there are not many AA meetings close to you - you can find meetings online.

 

Google it! And please participate in the meeting online... Posters there should be able to give you support if you start typing why you're there.

 

AA dot org should be a good place to start - or just online twelve step meetings.

 

Eat well today and drink vitamin drinks for a good boost - try to get out and exercise if you can.

[Mount]

Even it is an Affair, MM followed my request going to several doctors to check his head-to-toe (with me on-site) first, to make sure he is healthy (and clean) for me to have relationship with.

 

 

Everyone has to care for himself/herself first.

 

 

I can't believe you even had not gone to doctor yet, I never saw anyone dislike/hate herself that much before.

 

 

You don't even love yourself, how can you expect your exMM, or anyone would have a drop of love for you.

 

 

You need to start to learn how to love yourself first. That is essential. The consequence of the pill you took would leads to deadly impact in your body, for sure. But that is the self-destruction path you are looking for, I guess you have it now.

[Hope Shimmers]

Today I am having disturbing pains in the area of my liver. This could be due to the fact that I may have damaged it from taking 100 tylenol with codeine. I really should have seen a doctor but I was afraid I would be committed.

 

Oh God solo. I wondered before what exactly you took; I wish I would have asked.

 

You probably survived the codeine and whatever sedative you took because you have built a tolerance to the sedative effect through alcohol. The tylenol is a different thing entirely. PLEASE go in and get treated - there may be something they can still do at this point to prevent liver damage. There is a drug called acetylcysteine that is used to treat tylenol overdose but it has to be given within a certain time frame and I'm not sure how far out you are.

 

Please solo - it is critically important.

[solostand]

I'm about four weeks out. The first two weeks I was sick as a dog felt like hell but managed to go to work and work everyday. The first two days after all I did was sleep. As I said before I couldn't believe I survived.I know I need to see a doctor. I have learned it's not that easy to kill yourself, lol. (In a gallows humour tone).

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm about four weeks out. The first two weeks I was sick as a dog felt like hell but managed to go to work and work everyday. The first two days after all I did was sleep. As I said before I couldn't believe I survived.I know I need to see a doctor. I have learned it's not that easy to kill yourself, lol. (In a gallows humour tone).

 

Okay - way too far out for acetylcysteine and the good news (?) is that if you were going to have acute liver failure, you would probably be seeing signs by now (just my opinion - I hope you will see someone). BUT, you likely did some permanent damage so more alcohol will just add to that - you REALLY can't drink again. So perhaps see it as a wake-up call. Everyone has to hit rock bottom, and this sounds like yours. Nowhere to go but up....

 

Your son will come around when he sees that you are serious about not going down that path again. Don't give up.

[Hope Shimmers]

You're such a bright, attractive, intelligent woman - this ex-MM is SOOOOO not worth any of this.

[solostand]

That is what I keep trying to tell myself. He's just an old man who, athough he cared about me at the time, grabbed me in my most vulnerable period. He's way older than me and thought he got a prize - attractive, fun, adored him. He is a man who confessed to me that he thought about killing his wife! What a coward. I admire his wife now, she seems so much stronger than him and what she must have put up with from him for the last 37 years. She was surprised when I told her I knew how long they had been married. I don't know why I wanted to hurt her - I just wanted some validation that the whole affair wasn't just for nothing. That it meant something.

My problem is that in a new environment, knowing literally no one, I was lonely and in my mind made him into some kind of KISA or something. I wanted to hurt his wife and daughter to hurt him. Crazy I know. Not worth it. I am slowly moving on. Not worth my life and if I was to tell the truth, I attempted suicide after talking to them almost as a "F-YOU" to him. Stupid.

[Satu]

Take care of your liver.

 

The liver has good capacity to repair itself, but only up to a point.

 

If you are feeling discomfort in that area, you should take it as a warning.

 

On an even more cautionary note:

 

Most people think that organs fail gradually over time, but that's not the whole story.

 

They can shut down suddenly, when overwhelmed, leaving you gravely ill.

 

You've pushed your liver to the limit, and you need to be very careful now.

 

Check yourself for a yellow tint of the whites of your eyes. If there is a yellow tint, that's a red flag.

 

If you have suffered a major loss of appetite, that's a red flag.

 

If you are nauseous, that's a red flag.

 

If you have pale yellow or white stools, that's a red flag.

 

If your urine is very strongly coloured, that's a red flag.

 

You need to get some liver function tests done by a doctor.

 

In the meantime, you should not consume ANY alcohol.

 

 

Take care.

 

 

(Disclaimer: My comments are mine alone. They do not have anything to do with the owners or operators of this website. They are not meant to be a substitute for the advice of any health professional.)

[solostand]

I know and I know my liver took a real hit.

[Hope Shimmers]

That is what I keep trying to tell myself. He's just an old man who, athough he cared about me at the time, grabbed me in my most vulnerable period. He's way older than me and thought he got a prize - attractive, fun, adored him. He is a man who confessed to me that he thought about killing his wife! What a coward. I admire his wife now, she seems so much stronger than him and what she must have put up with from him for the last 37 years. She was surprised when I told her I knew how long they had been married. I don't know why I wanted to hurt her - I just wanted some validation that the whole affair wasn't just for nothing. That it meant something.

My problem is that in a new environment, knowing literally no one, I was lonely and in my mind made him into some kind of KISA or something. I wanted to hurt his wife and daughter to hurt him. Crazy I know. Not worth it. I am slowly moving on. Not worth my life and if I was to tell the truth, I attempted suicide after talking to them almost as a "F-YOU" to him. Stupid.

 

Yeah... he's not worth that kind of a 'F-YOU'. Next time the only 'F-YOU' to give him is total and complete apathy and indifference about him. You'll get there.

 

I know EXACTLY how you feel about being in a new place, not knowing people, and having all of it just feel magnified a thousand times. I was in that situation with ex-MM - I had not lived here very long and he controlled all my time so I hadn't gone out to meet anyone or get involved at all. It just made it feel almost insurmountable to deal with the 'addiction' to him, when I felt I could have dealt much better in my "home" and with people I knew around me, instead of this new place.

 

It's really hard to get past it, but I feel like you turned a corner and are going to make real progress now. Nothing happens overnight...

[lgspot]

I know and I know my liver took a real hit.

 

All of you took a big hit Solo. Physically and mentally.

Please take care of YOU!

AA is a great step.

As Hope said, drinking now is not a good idea.

Please don't let MM memories do this to you. Things will get better.

Keep coming back here and airing your thoughts. People care about YOU.

[autumnnight]

Solo,

 

When I tried to commit suicide, I really was convinced that there would only be a handful of people who were sad, and even they would get over it and eventually be grateful.

 

Because of the circumstances and people's penchant for gossip, my attempt became pretty wide knowledge. I had no idea how many people...well, there were people I never expected to even have me on their radar who expressed gratitude that I was still around. It floored me because my world had shrunk to my then H and my 2 kids...and I thought THEY were better off without me.

 

I would bet it is the same for you. We never ever know how many people we touch and affect. I bet even on LS there are people whose face you have never seen who would have terribly mourned. Your life is essential and important to more people than you could ever know.

[Raena]

Solo,

You've been through hell and back in the worst kind of relationship possible. It's not hard to believe that you'd lose your **** about it at some point.

 

You know what to do... and you already have a plan for it. That's good. What about getting back into painting/art... didn't you say at one point that this is something that is therapeutic for you?

 

Not here to bash you, but you do need to find a way to get past your need for dramatic situations in your life. It's not an easy thing to do when it becomes habit. I don't understand your choices all along with this particular MM, but I do understand that complete and utter devastation that drove you to try to commit suicide. It isn't as hopeless as it may seem in the middle of the night, drunk, angry, lonely, and sad. All those emotions you haven't dealt with intensify. The only way to get past that is to deal with the emotions sober. I know you've tried AA meetings, and they helped... so you fell off the wagon. Pick yourself back up and try again. It's going to take some time to process all of it and let it go.

 

I'm probably the least likely person to cheer for you and root for you considering which side of the "triangle" I fall on.... but I do sincerely hope you get through this better able to cope and love yourself. I really hope you do NOT give that man another ounce of thought. He doesn't deserve it. Neither do you. Believe in yourself and try again. You can do this... step by step.

[Pinklotus]

Solo,

 

Others have said it, but please focus on your health. It is really the critical factor here. You almost died. . You need to get clean. I have never been in your position but my father was an alcoholic and my brother was a drug addict. I know it makes people do things that they wouldn't otherwise do, and makes them feel things differently. You're self-medicating but you almost killed yourself.

 

Saying to you, "block MM forever etc." is all well and good, but it takes strength and you are in a new place and new job without supports. Really you need some kind of medical and psychological assistance.... I am afraid that this will happen again and that will be the end of you. I know you have made so much progress, but this was a huge slip-up and you had previously been doing so well.

 

It's a long, slippery, and dangerous slope up and away from your affair. Don't try to do it alone. . We all need help sometimes. If you broke your leg you'd see a dr, if you had a heart attack you'd be in the hospital. Your heart was broken and you have other health issues as well, such as your liver and then there is the alcoholism and whatever led you to seek it in the first place. Put yourself #1 and make your physical and mental healing a priority. Please. Don't beat yourself up and don't listen to those who seek to drag you down in any way. You can do this.

[Babs22]

Solo,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I do hope you see a medical professional soon to check on your liver functions. I also hope that you can get some IC especially since AA meetings are not available daily. Please go to the AA meetings. My brother is a recovering alcoholic. His recovery started the day after he attempted suicide. I took him to a hospital for help, but without insurance they couldn't help. So I took him to AA meetings every day and found a place for recovering alcoholics where he could live and do daily meetings. It was a hell hole (not the best accommodations and in a ****ty part of town), but he stayed there and did the steps and lived under their strict rules. He has been sober ever since. That was over 10 years ago. I hope this is your wake up call. It doesn't sound like your liver can take any more alcohol after your suicide attempt.

 

Please seek the help you need. Leave MM and his family behind, they are toxic to you. I agree that your son will be there for you once he knows you are doing what you need to do. I would never have enabled my brother, but I felt I owed him a chance to get clean, and he took it and never looked back. I am happy that I was there for him when he was ready to take care of him. He really felt that God must have wanted him here, because he was alive when he should have been dead. Do it for you and do it for your son. I cannot imagine leaving my sons behind to deal with the pain and sorrow of my death. Hugs to you. Be strong.

[solostand]

Thank you everyone for your support! It means a lot to me! I am especially pleased to learn I am not alone in what I did. Like someone else said, they felt no one would care. I felt I was actually a burden on my son and he would be better off without me. As for MM, the last time I talked to him he told me I have to move on, which I felt was a slap in the face to the two years he spent telling me he loved me. But every day that goes by with no contact I feel a little stronger. It's been 15 days.

I was so tempted to tell his wife the really cruel things he said, and also send her a tape I have of us. Scorched earth policy. But I need to move forward, not backward, and why punish her for her husband's cruelty?

I don't know why I am having such a hard time, I think its just that my whole life has changed. I need to remember the bad times, and there were a lot of them.

Again, thank you everyone.

[cozycottagelg]

I think you need to get to a point where you aren't demonizing him or building him up. He is just someone from your past. You had amazing times together, but now that's over and you need to move on.

 

He isn't a good person. He was good to you, when he wanted to be, and that's it.

 

It doesn't matter that he's old. It doesn't matter that he is a bad husband. He doesn't matter and he can't matter anymore.

 

And you don't need to tell his wife anymore than she already knows. I don't think she feels she has some trophy husband at home who is so amazing. She knows what she has. A liar and a cheater. She is staying, for her own reasons, don't concern yourself with them.

 

Hugs. Are you near Montreal? I'm in the states an hour from the border. I can meet you for coffee.

[solostand]

just talked to MM. He does not hate me at all, he said. He loves me, he said. I feel like a step back.

[whatatangledweb]

Why did you talk to him? You can not get over someone by doing that. Erase that tape you have and all the emails, etc and block him. You are setting yourself up for a great fall again. You can see this, can't you? You moved to get a fresh start. This can not be done by pulling the old stuff with you. You can stop all this and be happy. Please, you are going to end up destroying yourself.

[beach]

just talked to MM. He does not hate me at all, he said. He loves me, he said. I feel like a step back.

 

Solo, this isn't helping YOU!

 

We can't help you if you don't intend to help yourself.

 

 

There wasn't one single reason to talk to him.

 

You've stated you're building a new life - so start changing everything - do things to consider your best interest.

 

First on the list is NO drinking and no drugs or medicine. Second on that list is cutting put ANYTHING contact with the OM.

[cozycottagelg]

I say this with love, because I'm invested in your story and I want happiness for you.

 

If you had MM full time, always, forever, 24/7 actual real relationship, you'd be bored to tears with him. I am certain of this. I know you love him. I know you want him to be in your life...but stop. Stop.

[ladydesigner]

just talked to MM. He does not hate me at all, he said. He loves me, he said. I feel like a step back.

 

Oh no of course he is going to say that. The situation will never change, but it is starting to change you (((solostand))). Please block him, erase him, whatever you need to do. The fact that you are suicidal over this situation is enough to show you that you need to change the situation that you are in. It's simply not healthy for you!

[Hope Shimmers]

just talked to MM. He does not hate me at all, he said. He loves me, he said. I feel like a step back.

 

What difference does it make whether he hates you or loves you? He's MARRIED! He's not leaving his wife.

 

Someone above me said that if you were with him 24/7 you would not want him. I truly believe that - you are addicted to the drama of not being able to have what you want, and thinking that he is out there pining over you. This is not reality, solo. If you actually "won" him all the drama would end, and you would have an old man who cheats and lies to his partner. Is that really what you want?

[HappyAgain2014]

One question here...

 

Is your MM worth your son? Your alcohol addiction and subsequent suicide attempt are largely based on your affair.

 

MM wasn't there ensuring you lived or taking care of you. Your son was.

 

You might give MM infinite chances but your son won't give those to you. If he's familiar with enabling behaviors, he will have to cut you off for your good and his own.

 

So... Is MM worth your son?

[JPMC]

Move back to your old province and call him every day. You guys were meant to be together. Also call his wife and daughter while you're having cocktails with him or being intimate. Do what you can to win him back.