Satu Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 just talked to MM. He does not hate me at all, he said. He loves me, he said. I feel like a step back. Yes. You took a step back. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 just talked to MM. He does not hate me at all, he said. He loves me, he said. I feel like a step back. Sadly, this is a giant step back for you. What did you say to him when he told you he loves you? Did you unblock him? Did he call you or did you contact him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Unfortunately, until Solost can acknowledge her biggest issue is herself...she will keep the focus on others. Until SoLost can accept that she is exactly where she put herself (and being of an age to know better) she will continue to point to others for her lot in life. Until Solost accepts responsibility for her choices...she will continue to give herself permission to do whatever .....because (insert anything random). There is truth to the saying...."where ever you go...there you are" ...many of life's issues/struggles are self induced. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 The phrase, "I love you," is just three words. If the person does not actually give you love, by being totally committed to your wellbeing, the words are worthless. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 just talked to MM. He does not hate me at all, he said. He loves me, he said. I feel like a step back. Of course he did. What is he supposed to do--risk rejecting a suicidal woman? Link to post Share on other sites
Tullyseptember Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 (edited) Solo do you still have suicidal thoughts or did speaking with married man erase those thoughts? If you don't keep speaking with him will it trigger another situation like you just went through? If it does I really think you need to be under a Dr.s care, otherwise self harming could go to far next time and your loved ones don't need the tragedy of losing you:( somehow your self unimportance seems to be tied to not committing fully to your life. Drama seems to fuel you, I know that drive and it's very dangerous. I pray that your self survival will kick I and you will block the toxic drama from your life:) Edited June 30, 2015 by Tullyseptember Missed Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 He contacted me. I shouldn't have talked to him but for some reason I needed to know he doesn't hate me. He doesn't know I was suicidal. I didn't tell him. We talked for about an hour. Afterwards it felt awful - like eating a full tub of ice cream. All empty calories. We did talk about the drama with the wife and daughter. They hate me. He laughed and said I went "bat**** crazy" which was an old phrase we used to use. All of it was wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 He contacted me. I shouldn't have talked to him but for some reason I needed to know he doesn't hate me. He doesn't know I was suicidal. I didn't tell him. We talked for about an hour. Afterwards it felt awful - like eating a full tub of ice cream. All empty calories. We did talk about the drama with the wife and daughter. They hate me. He laughed and said I went "bat**** crazy" which was an old phrase we used to use. All of it was wrong. If you value your health, pull the plug. This guy is toxic for you and you just voluntarily swallowed a dose of the toxin. *No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. *No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying. Take care. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 He contacted me. I shouldn't have talked to him but for some reason I needed to know he doesn't hate me. He doesn't know I was suicidal. I didn't tell him. We talked for about an hour. Afterwards it felt awful - like eating a full tub of ice cream. All empty calories. We did talk about the drama with the wife and daughter. They hate me. He laughed and said I went "bat**** crazy" which was an old phrase we used to use. All of it was wrong. Oh so he finds all of this amusing does he? All the pain he has caused to you and his family and now he jokes and laughs about it. How disgusting. Please walk away from him. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 If you value your health, pull the plug. This guy is toxic for you and you just voluntarily swallowed a dose of the toxin. *No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. *No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying. Take care. The most toxic person in Solost life....is herself. Continuing to paint other people as toxic serves no purpose other than to not address ones own issue/s. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 You need professional counseling. There is nothing anyone here at LS can help you with as they've already exhausted the advice. I know it's hard but you have to get help if you were at the point of suicide over someone else's husband. His ego must have inflated to the size of the blimp and he is never going to leave his wife. Please get professional help because you will continue to destroy yourself if you don't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I'm a mom and I cannot imagine being this unhinged in front of them. Even though your son is older he is still suffering. You need to get some counciling and please block this man. Choose your son and yourself!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 This affair is going to kill you. Perhaps you'll keep drinking, torch your liver and die. Perhaps you'll overdose again to cope with the pain, and die. Or perhaps you'll just mortgage your self off, piece by piece, until there's nothing left and your own son cuts you off in order to save himself. You'll feel like your heart died inside your chest. This is a battle for your life. And you don't seem to realize just how close to death you really are. If you can't pull it together for yourself, please, please do it for your son. He's very close to losing you...and he knows it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 He contacted me. I shouldn't have talked to him but for some reason I needed to know he doesn't hate me. He doesn't know I was suicidal. I didn't tell him. We talked for about an hour. Afterwards it felt awful - like eating a full tub of ice cream. All empty calories. We did talk about the drama with the wife and daughter. They hate me. He laughed and said I went "bat**** crazy" which was an old phrase we used to use. All of it was wrong. You admitted in the past that you were very addicted to the drama that the affair created so I'm not surprised your (ex)MM thought the recent drama was funny and entertaining, he's just as addicted to it as you are. Honestly, this will ALL stop when you want it to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 Everyone is right. Everyone. I have made some positive changes - I have moved into an apartment with a roommate so I won't be alone anymore. Being alone allowed me to drink to my hearts content, and when I drank, that's when I did the most damage. Also, living with someone will take away some of the loneliness I have been feeling. My new apartment is just steps away from both work and AA, so I will be attending. I was worried the other day when I got an e-mail that my manager was coming to the office with an HR person. In my mind that meant I was fired, since I haven't finished my three months probation. As it turned out, they both indicated that I am doing excellent and are very happy with the changes I have made to the office. Go figure! If they only knew my true state of mind, that the person they hired tried to kill herself and had to miss two days work to recover from her botched attempt. As I said, talking to MM felt empty. I will admit I was glad he doesn't hate me, even after all the damage I caused his marriage and family. He told me even his son is mad at him. I said how does his son know? He said they all know. I know I am a bit of a mess but I have to move forward and try to find other outlets for the drama I seem to crave periodically.Why do I crave this drama? What is wrong with me? Oh yes, my ex husband phoned several times and is going to come see me again soon. He is in love with me and I am not ruling out a future with him. We have a very long past together - he knows about the affair - but in the end it just got boring, you know? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 ExMM's son knows because chances are his wife and daughter told him. Start calling him exMM not just MM. Counseling, AA and meeting new (women) friends will help you grow and learn to be the person you're meant to be, to help teach you to live a simple and drama free life. If you crave drama and intensity, do a fun challenging sport or go sky diving, bungy jumping etc... Having emotional drama in your life IS what's killing you and stressing you out. Did you tell exMM to please stop contacting you and it's best to move on and not look back? As for your exH, friendship is fine, it may help having him in your life but don't hang onto him in fears of being alone without a man. He loves you and it's unfair to him to try again if you aren't in love with him. He is better off as a good friend. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
starglider Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Can I recommend you google a "somatic therapist" or "somatic experience therapy" in your area. It is a type of therapy that can make very very fast progress on healing, especially current trauma and old trauma. To even get involved with a MM (and your addiction issues) suggest old childhood rejection issues that you are in a masochistic cycle of reliving. But who has the time or money for long term talk therapy to uncover and resolve this? Not many. Thus this amazing new therapy that combines the insights of talk therapy with the warp speed results of body work and emotional healing. I've done talk therapy when I was in my 30s for a long time with pretty good results, but now 15 years later, I made the amount of progress in one session of somatic therapy that took me 6 + months of IC in the past. You can rewire your autonomic nervous system quickly with the help of a skilled practitioner. For many people, accupuncture or hypnosis can work miracles, but in your case, I think working with a somatic healer would really really help. Here is one link to a somatic healing website, but there are many therapists outside of this site. Look for one who was a psychotherapist and then added the somatic element to their practice. I think that would be a better match for you than a mere body worker given your situation. Good luck~ Welcome - AEDP Institute 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 So yesterday, with much trepidation, I phoned my son. I thought he was angry with me. He said he thought I was angry with him. We talked a while and I told him I felt I was doing much better. He said "Its nice to have a mother phone a son to see how he's doing". So bridges are being built. I haven't thought too much about xmm. I really think I am getting over him. One of the reasons I was so concerned that he hated me, and relieved that he did not, is that his daughter said in one of her texts that he hated me now, and to call him if I doubted it. Well, he called me and said he did not hate me, but actually loved me. For what that was worth. I am done with his family, am embarrassed I turned psycho, and they are all blocked. Soon my health benefits will kick in and I can get the help I need. Oh, one further thing, when I talked to him I asked what exactly his wife knew. He said "Just what you told her". So he's not even faced up to the affair and is rug sweeping. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I'm very happy to hear about your chat with your son. That's a big positive. You're making good choices. Keep your focus on your health, and life will get better and better. Take care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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