Long story

[lovelylilly]

I'm sorry this is so long, I tried to make it as short as I could.

 

I am a normal person. I am beautiful, I am smart, I have a lot going on for me, but I am very unlucky in love. In the last two years, one of my exs failed the bar and shut me out, and the other was just an ******* I was not interested in. Not to mention that a guy I dated for seven years found out he has testicular cancer and I am watching him go through chemo now. I have turned into an emotional wreck.

 

Here came this “knight in shinny armor”. I met him early November/end of October; he lived in the neighborhood of one of my coworkers that I have become good friends with. She lives in a townhouse, and the community is really tight. There are four married couples that are very close to each other, and really good friends with my ex. Without me knowing, they all planned for me and my ex to become a couple (he had a major crush on me, and I liked him too). They would call him every time I came to visit my coworker and he would come by and hang out with us. It was very evident that he liked me, but I like to take things slow. I wanted to be friends first. My coworker later told me that they all picked on him because he liked me, but they knew I was a sweet girl and they wanted him to be happy.

 

However, it was not long before I fell hard for him, but I would not admit it to anyone else. He’s attractive, funny, smart, and all around a good guy. Starting mid-January, we hung out a lot. We exchanged phone numbers and we were texting and calling each other all the time. Every day he would tell me that he could not wait to spend time with me, that he cared about me a lot, and that he missed me and was thinking about me.

 

We became inseparable for the next four months, but because I had a relationship that crashed and burned, I told him I wanted to take things slow. We were only meeting up once a week, and I tried to limit the texting and calling, but he was ALWAYS texting and calling me. We would spend hours on the phone every day for six months.

 

I could go on and on about how “perfect” our relationship was, but I will get to the end. A month ago, I spent a Friday night at his house. I keep running that night over and over in my head, and it is driving me crazy. He told me he cared about me a lot, and we talked about how we got along really well. We had had no fights. There was no passive aggressiveness, he did not pull away from me, no sign to me that he was about to dump me out of the blue.

 

Well, Saturday morning we both had to go to work. He had to leave at 8am and I was going to leave at 10:30am. He kissed me goodbye, gave me a hug and told me “to have a perfect day”. We were even talking about me staying over that night too. An hour later around 9:15am, I was in the shower and heard my phone ding. I knew it was him texting me something, because he always was. I got out to look at the phone and it said “sweetie, I may just need some time. I don’t know how I feel right now but I don’t want us to suffer because of me. It’s me, me and work and that I am probably just so used to being alone. Please understand.”

 

I was so confused when I saw it, but I chose to ignore it and got ready for work. Thirty minutes later he texted again saying “I’ll regret this. I just have to go with my gut. I feel really bad.”

 

By this time I was starting to panic. We were just with each other and everything was fine. I figured he was just telling me he did not want me to stay that night (Saturday) because I was not going to get off work until 11pm and I had talked about how I was going to be tired. I figured maybe he did not want me to drive far while I was tired.

 

Then, 15 minutes later he texted “I don’t even know what or how to say it or what it is.” He texted this while I was driving to work, so I called him to figure out what was going on. He did not pick up. He had never done that before, ever-no matter who he was with or what he was doing.

 

I decided to just go to work and act like everything was okay and I would call him again when I finished. I got off work at 11pm, called him and got no answer. That is when I really panicked. And as soon as the phone went to voicemail, I hung up and he sent me a text. The text said he was all of a sudden having mixed feelings. He said he was not putting enough into the relationship and he felt like I deserved better. I called my coworker, explained to her what happened, and ended up spending the night at her house.

 

The next morning (Sunday) he texted me that he knew he was handling the situation wrong, and that he would call me but he did not know what to say. He told me he knew he would regret doing this, that he did not even feel like doing this 100%, and that is when I asked him if we were breaking up. He said he did not know, and he just needed some space to think. So, I told him I really liked him and I did not understand, but I would give him space. I told him that I did not want us to be over.

 

I am trying to make this as short as possible. But his best friend and his wife came over for breakfast (they are all really good friends) and I told him what happened. The first thing he said was that my ex adored me and has never said one negative thing about me nor had he ever hinted at breaking up with me. His wife was furious and immediately started texting my ex, “so, want to talk about any bad life decisions?!”.

 

Everyone (all his friends) found out through me. He did not tell anybody. And they all told me to wait around and give him space. I gave him three weeks and all of a sudden his best friend told me I need to move on. He said my ex saw himself marrying me and spooked. I have since tried to contact him, telling him I miss him and I just wish he would talk to me. His best friend’s wife told me that he thinks I hate him, and I do not. I am just extremely hurt. She said he is beating himself up because he does not understand why he did it.

 

Needless to say, I saw him last Saturday when he and his best friend were out riding motorcycles. They were leaving the neighborhood when I was coming to visit my coworker. My ex did not stay the rest of the day, he basically left because he is afraid of me. I promise I did nothing. Even his friends say it is not me, he just will not let himself be happy. So I ended up playing poker with all of his friends. They have all told me that they are all on my side and they want me to keep hanging out with them. But it feels weird for me and it makes me hurt more when I am with them and he is not there. I do not want him to resent me. I finally gave his best friend the key to my ex’s house that day, I knew deep down inside that I should not be holding onto it anymore.

 

I will admit that I am angry, and I also feel sorry for him. Two weeks before he broke up with me, I had a job interview and it was for a really well-paying job. The only bad thing was that it was three hours away. I told him about the job before my interview, and he said he would support me. My interview was on a Thursday at 4pm, and he spent most of the day on the phone with me. When I came back from the interview, he bought me flowers and I stayed with him that night. He actually told me he did not want me to take the job, he wanted me to stay.

 

I am angry because he texted me he wanted space, but now it is a break up. He refuses to answer my calls or texts and last night he deleted me off his facebook, so I ended up blocking him. It feels like he died to me. One minute he is there, and the next he is not. I am not that scary, and there was no fight or anything. He was with me an hour beforehand, and I thought everything was fine. And the one thing that I keep getting beat up about is that he asked me to not take that job! I did not get it, and he was actually really happy that I did not get it. I was too at the time, because I thought I found “the one”.

 

He as insecurity issues; before me he dated really trashy girls that cheated on him all the time. His friends pushed for us to be together because they were tired of seeing him being treated like crap. No one knew he would be a flight risk because he had never been in a decent relationship before. He is a really great guy, and he has some major insecurity issues, but we all have some sort of baggage. I have never had a guy dump me out of the blue like this before, especially not by text. All my ex boyfriends, who have dumped me, have done it in person. And I have done the same with people who I have broken up with.

 

I am having a hard time moving on. I actually did not cry until last week when I started seeing a therapist. I told her I have not being able to cry because I have been in shock.

 

And I am not looking for anyone to say I need to move on, he was not ready, or any of those clichés. I am really having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that he just cut off all ties so easily and when he deleted me off facebook, that really hurt.

 

And please no one say at least he did this now rather than several years from now while we were married or something. I know it could have been a lot worse, but it still does not mean it did not hurt my feelings.

 

How can a person just shut out and text you and act like you do not exist, especially as the night before he brought up how much he cared about me and how well we got along. And not long before that he was asking me to stay and not take a job that was three hours away?

[TaraMaiden2]

Nobody can answer your questions because apparently there are things yo don't want to hear from us.

But they're obvious - because they're obvious.

 

He's a goddamn, immature, phobic mess. He's scared witless of his own emotions and he desperately needs a kick up the ass with some good, strong, no-nonsense "own it" therapy.

 

Other than that, what you said we couldn't say.

[pidgeon1010]

He has a massive fear of commitment and/or he still has unresolved feelings for an ex. He clearly has issues within himself that he needs to work on before he can be a committed long-term relationship leading to marriage.

 

And I am not looking for anyone to say I need to move on, he was not ready, or any of those clichés.

 

I am sorry you're going through this, but what other option do you have? No one can explain his behavior with certainty. You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out. You can however make simple rational deductions from what has happened, which it looks like you've already heard from others. You have to decide to whether you want to wallow in your sorrows or pick up the pieces and try and move on. He may return or he may not but do you really want to put your life on hold for something that may never happen?

 

"We cannot lose what really belongs to us, even if we throw it away. Therefore we need have no anxiety." The I-ching.

[learnbyliving]

I will offer empathy with a similar situation instead of cliches.

 

2 weeks before he ended it, we went on vacation together and it was the height of our relationship. 2 days before the breakup, he was talking about the time we'll get to spend together on the upcoming weekend.

 

I really struggled with how easily someone can cut you out, making me question whether our happy experiences were real. Hurtful realization that as you were becoming closer to them, they were pulling away from you.

 

Spent a lot of time ruminating on why he gave up someone who, in his own words, was thoughtful, affectionate, chemistry was fire, easy to pass time together, made him feel safe … instead of working through his fears and dissatisfaction with life together.

 

I stopped thinking about all I did for him, and started wondering what he did for me. Aside from providing companionship, there will be no lasting impact on my person.

 

I understand the bewilderment you are feeling now, but the shock and sadness will pass. Instead of fixating on the why's, just focus on the bottom line: he chose not to have you in his life. Beware of hot and cold yoyoing - you may ignore it the first, second, third times but the seeds of doubt are planted and chip away at the strength of the relationship.