Step-father overstepped his boundaries, mother doesn't care

[DatingDirection]

So to make a long story short. Mom remarried when i was 8 years old, step dad made my life a living hell, 8-14 (made me feel like i was worth 2 cents). Today im a young adult, supporting myself. After living through childhood tramas, being in foster care, and after being abused and neglected by my mother, step father and father, i have some challenges to work out i.e day to day organization, financial independence, and self esteem issues. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I have been struggling to pay my rent this month, and have don't have enough to eat at home. I asked my mother if she would be helpful to lend me $40. She lives in a big home in the summer here in our town, and in the winter goes off to spend her time in Florida with Mr. ******* step father. So she said no. Fine, she was nice, but this was no, after she spoke to her husband. After last weekend, her husband, bought some food to take to his children home, they're older than me, and moved out of the home at 28, where i left the home at 14, b/c he was such a jerk to me. So anyways, I got on the phone with him, and i said, do you care that i think you are an awful person, his reply was: i am a parasite.

 

Is this guy the one who is crazy or what? Please id love some feedback.

[TaraMaiden2]

I would personally recommend that, as part of your healing process, you completely and totally cut off your entire family.

 

Staying in touch with them, means you are hindering your own healing process.

The worst thing about having access to poison, is taking it.

 

If they are poison to your life, the antidote is to walk away and not be in touch with them.

At All.

[eye of the storm]

Considering what you have been thru, it is sad to say but you got exactly what they have been giving you all your life.

 

Wondering why they are they way they are and why they do the things they do is doing nothing but keeping you attached to them.

 

Don't expect anything from them and you will never be disappointed again.

 

It is hard, but you are going to have to deal with the support that you can provide yourself or find support from friends or support agencies.

 

I wish you the best. You can do this. You already survived more than most. You are a powerful being. Keep moving ahead, leave them behind in the past where they belong.

[DatingDirection]

Wondering why they are they way they are and why they do the things they do is doing nothing but keeping you attached to them.

 

Thank you, because i feel for the first time, i now get it, and that's the only thing that's keeping me attached to them, is the why? Why on earth do i need an answer why they're jerks to me?

 

I really wanted a relationship with my mom, special times together, but seems like i can't have one, i told them, i will never call their house again, i also said, if he had any respect for my mother, he wouldn't have called me a parasite.

 

Then i hear him yelling in the background, they had me on speaker, he says, look how your talking to your mother. So he's playing blame game, mind games. But no matter what i do or say, it will always be my fault, and im the one who started it b/c i was angry at him, and said, do you have any care that i think you're an awful person. I have a right to be angry at him, and he is an awful person.

[eye of the storm]

DD, many people think that getting all the answers will free them. But unfortunately we rarely, if ever, get the answers we want. And sometimes we do get the answers but they just cause more issues because...it isn't answers that you want.

 

And it isn't answers that free you, it is letting go and moving on that frees you.

 

Don't worry that he blames you for whatever. You can only control your own actions and choices. You cannot control his thoughts or actions. So let it go. Don't carry his baggage.

 

Live with peace.

[amaysngrace]

Your mom chose him over you and keeps choosing him over you.

 

She doesn't deserve your company because she's a piece of shtt.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Get on EBT if you qualify. Work out a realistic budget. Disown your abusive family & go NC with them. They will hinder your healing. Pretend they are dead. If any other family members try to manipulate you about it, disown them.

[Emilia]

Searching for a why can be dangerous long term DD. it's something you will have to watch out for in romantic relationships too. I agree that you need to cut your family off to free yourself. Good luck. We are always here for you.

[DatingDirection]

Wow, im so touched by all of the support on this thread, thank you. I was scared people will tell me that im an adult, that i should not ask them to borrow money, but really, they are in a position to do so, and considering my step dad was a piece of **** from the start, and i had to move out at 14, and right now i am broke without food, that's why i was desporate and asked them.

 

 

My mother never called back, after they both laughed at me, when i screamed at my step father, and told him he's sick in the head. According to them im sick in the head b/c of my mental health issues. However, i have mental health issues because of my upbrining trama.

 

Someone mentioned something about finding answers about my past through a relationship now as an adult. If i have a romantic relationship with someone, can you please explain this?

 

I know i got very attached to my ex boyfriend, and when we broke up a few years ago, i couldn't stop crying, and having panic attacks, at one point i clinged onto him begging him not to leave me. Today, i think it was the right thing, b/c i initially broke up with him, i thought he was emotionally and showed signs of potential physical abusive behavoirs. But i did leave him eventually.

 

I'm now taking this year off to work on real issues with the psychiatrist, i am getting the help i need for once in my life. But i really don't know what the issues are, and often the doctor is so smart, and kind enough to point them out, and work on them with me.

 

im actually in a day hospital program, as i had another nervous break down, not as bad as before, but they can't go over in depth about hard issues, as it's a short term program, however they've told me they will set me up with long term real help, which i am afraid of that too, that they will just dump me in the hands of people who aren't equiped enought to deal with the trama i've experienced. I hope this all makes sense.

 

I would love all the help i can get to create a better life for myself. I'd love to work right now, but a month ago, i was constandly in tears, and needed help, and to go back on meds which i did. So first step is complete, now it's maintanince. Second step i need to get a job.

Edited June 27, 2015 by DatingDirection

[DatingDirection]

Just to add, if i ever feel close to anyone again, im a bit scared to tell him, about my childhood, as it may chase him away. My sister who is 17 years older than me, she told me last night, that our biological father once tried to kill her in the car, by trying to crash the car with both of them inside. To hear this broke my heart, and i see her married to a nice guy with a child, and i can't imagine her having to explain that to her husband. She told me this infront of her hubby, who was sitting away from us, so idk how much he knows.

[Otter2569]

I had a similar situation minus the foster care and mental issues. From an early age it was clear that my brother and I were not wanted in the house. We endured years of verbal and sometimes physical abuse. My half siblings were given everything in life and we were given nothing. We had to work for and earn everything There was a clear disparity between us and them. My mother was or chose to be powerless at the hands of this tyrant plus she had 3 kids with him to take care of.

 

At my earliest opportunity I joined the Army then went to college and rarely looked back. My few dealings with them since almost always ended in disappointment. I take it for what it is. They are old now. My brother and our families have little to do with them (even though we live 20 minutes away) while my half siblings are still dependent leeches.

 

Not a perfect situation by any means but best to stay away and do your best. Find things that are healing for you. Embrace the goodness in your life, follow your dreams and do your best!

Edited June 27, 2015 by Otter2569

[Otter2569]

Possibly an interesting story. Years ago my tyrant step father, a construction worker, inherited $500k from a distant relative. My spoiled half siblings were circling like vultures. I stayed away - he never gave me the sweat off of his balls growing up so i wanted and expected nothing now.

 

My spoiled and irresponsible step / half sister (his daughter) was named executor of the estate. She never finished college. I have a masters degree in finance.

 

For xmas that year my sisters all got new desk top computers. My brother and I got a sweater.

 

It hurts to a bit but I look at them all with disdain and am happy I am not like them. I dont owe them, or anybody, anything and thats just the way i want it.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Any decent guy is not going to judge you for having the misfortune of being born to an awful family. Having bad things happen to you, doesn't make you a bad person.

 

 

I would suggest to avoid dating until you get to a place that you are happy with who you are as a person. By that I mean not dwelling on what happened to you & the damage it caused, but finding good things in life and focusing on them. I'm sure you have plenty of good qualities & healthy things you are passionate about. I guess the trick is to compartmentalize the bad stuff caused by the abuse. Don't try to bury it, but put it aside & deal with it piece by piece. Don't let it control your life, or your abusers win. The best thing you can do is get to a place where you're able to follow your dreams & be happy, in spite of the damage done to you. Be able to tell them that you forgive them, but they will never be in your life, and live a better life then they do. Not materialistically, but a righteous life.

 

 

You might want to move out of the cold & grey if you're still up there. FL is not bad if you can handle the heat & humidity from May-September. Walking on the beach every day (if you want to) can be very therapeutic.

[Radu]

Your mom chose him over you and keeps choosing him over you.

 

She doesn't deserve your company because she's a piece of shtt.

 

This !!!

 

OP, others have said to stop searching for the why.

Many ppl on this site have experienced abuse in one form or another, and it took some of them decades to figure out <maybe> the why.

At the end of that time, they were left destroyed, without a purpose, having in the process of finding out the why damaged their own life.

 

You get only one life, don't let him <or her> occupy more time in your head.

 

PS: From the little you said in this thread about the past, here's my take on it.

Your SF is a fanatic for control, absolute control is ok for him and not having it bothers him to no end (this is a common theme for abusers).

He could not break you, you were stronger than him when you left ... and he is still seeing it as a fight with you.

He wants you to submit, that's the only way that relationship will work.

So, either submit ... or stop playing the game, because this is the only way you can win.

Edited June 27, 2015 by Radu

[Radu]

I had a similar situation minus the foster care and mental issues. From an early age it was clear that my brother and I were not wanted in the house. We endured years of verbal and sometimes physical abuse. My half siblings were given everything in life and we were given nothing. We had to work for and earn everything There was a clear disparity between us and them. My mother was or chose to be powerless at the hands of this tyrant plus she had 3 kids with him to take care of.

 

At my earliest opportunity I joined the Army then went to college and rarely looked back. My few dealings with them since almost always ended in disappointment. I take it for what it is. They are old now. My brother and our families have little to do with them (even though we live 20 minutes away) while my half siblings are still dependent leeches.

 

Not a perfect situation by any means but best to stay away and do your best. Find things that are healing for you. Embrace the goodness in your life, follow your dreams and do your best!

 

That is key.

They are dependent leeches because they are willing to obey, because they were not willing to challenge.

 

In the human development it is perfectly natural for children (starting in the teens) to start developing separate from the parents and eventually love them but still be able to see them with faults, in a sea of good.

Parents who abuse, parents like these fear the children ... their 'independence' is a direct attack on them. Not submitting to them automatically means you are against them.

 

They are messed up, and if you were able to look inside of them, you would see nothing but fear, because abuse is born in insecurity which is born in fear.

[DatingDirection]

I will never subit to him! Thank you for pointing this out. He does feel good that he knows i have mental health issues, and in dire need of money for food. This part, i hate my mother for.

 

I live in Canada, i would love to move to the states where it's hot, but getting a citizenship would be hard. Trust me, it's cold and gloomy here, and it's summer according to the calender.