Husband Controlling Sleep

[mrsshepherd]

My husband is a sweet, empathetic man. He was raised in not-so-great circumstances and I'm amazed he turned out as wonderful as he did. However, since we've been married (4 years now, and we never slept together before marriage) I have found that he can be controlling. He doesn't mean to be; if I point it out he generally agrees and tries to stop. However with sleep, there is just no end to the struggle.

 

I am a night owl and don't tend to be on a regular sleep schedule, I might stay up til 10pm or 2am, but I am very conscious of being respectful of other people (living in a college dorm for 5 years will do that). When my husband goes to sleep, I'll stay out in the living room with minimal lighting. If I'm watching a show, it's silent with subtitles. I might do some reading or yoga or something else completely benign. DOESN'T MATTER. My husband can "sense the energy" in the house and he can't sleep. I'm pretty sure the root of this is his bipolar mother getting him up at all hours of the night to do chores when he was young... but I'm not his mother. I require nothing from him and it irritates me that he requires that I stop everything for him, apparently every night for the next 50 years.

 

He sleeps with earplugs, an eye mask, 12 pillows and a fan. He can't take a sleeping pill because it makes him hungover-groggy in the morning. The other day while he was taking a nap I went into the bedroom and did a crazy dance for five minutes and he never stirred, so I consider that proof that it has nothing to do with any energy I'm "putting off" and everything to do with his perception of reality. I love him and of course the D word is never an option... but I am so mad at what feels like a total lack of respect for me and my desires.

 

What can I do?!?

[Arieswoman]

mrsshepherd,

I am going to approach this from the "other side."

 

My husband is a "night owl". He likes to stay up late and then likes to "lie-in" when he can. He works shifts and sometimes doesn't get back in the house until midnight. Then he likes to have supper, cup of tea and watch TV until 2.00.am. He will then lie in until 12.00.noon and then get up and get ready to go to work at 2 or 3.pm.

 

On other occasions he'll have to be in work at 5.00.am and needs 3 alarm clocks set to go off in sequence to wake him up. When he gets back at noon he'll have a snack and then go to bed until teatime when I get back from work.

 

I am a "lark". No matter what time I go to bed I'm awake at about 6.30.am. On these light summer mornings we have in UK at the moment I'm awake at 4.30.am and probably get up about 5.00.am. Consiquently I'm flagging by about 8.30.pm

 

I tried everything to get some sleep, blackout curtains, earplugs ( I won't take sleeping pills either) but he still woke me up.

He sleeps like the dead and can fall asleep anywhere. I am such a light sleeper that if a fly f@r£ed down the street I'd be awake.

 

The solution for us is separate rooms, unless he is on a day shift or on holiday.

IMO "togetherness" is all very well but when you have someone who is a light sleeper it doesn't work.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Ignore his craziness & if he keeps hassling you about it, tell him to STFU. You can also sleep in different bedrooms. He needs to learn how to fix himself so he can sleep normally.

[still_an_Angel]

Separate bedrooms and if possible, in different parts of the house. He can go to the "dark" side and as long as you keep quiet in the other side, surely this can work. He has to learn that living with someone is a compromise.

 

 

I have an ex who is like your H, so I used to stay with him in his room until he falls asleep and then leave him to do my stuff all night. He comes to my room in the mornings to wake me up or just cuddles me until I wake up.

[Lois_Griffin]

He sleeps with earplugs, an eye mask, 12 pillows and a fan. He can't take a sleeping pill because it makes him hungover-groggy in the morning.

Stop catering to the lunacy.

 

You have a right to live a NORMAL life without some nut-job telling you that your "energy" (oh brother) is causing an issue for him.

 

Separate bedrooms is a ridiculous and extreme suggestion. How about instead he get help for his neurosis?

[whichwayisup]

He sleeps with earplugs, an eye mask, 12 pillows and a fan. He can't take a sleeping pill because it makes him hungover-groggy in the morning. The other day while he was taking a nap I went into the bedroom and did a crazy dance for five minutes and he never stirred, so I consider that proof that it has nothing to do with any energy I'm "putting off" and everything to do with his perception of reality.

 

 

I do agree, it has nothing to do with you doing whatever at night, this is something that has to do with his BP mom and since he has this control issue, he has to go sort it out by talking to a professional.

[berniev]

My husband is a sweet, empathetic man. He was raised in not-so-great circumstances and I'm amazed he turned out as wonderful as he did. However, since we've been married (4 years now, and we never slept together before marriage) I have found that he can be controlling. He doesn't mean to be; if I point it out he generally agrees and tries to stop. However with sleep, there is just no end to the struggle.

 

I am a night owl and don't tend to be on a regular sleep schedule, I might stay up til 10pm or 2am, but I am very conscious of being respectful of other people (living in a college dorm for 5 years will do that). When my husband goes to sleep, I'll stay out in the living room with minimal lighting. If I'm watching a show, it's silent with subtitles. I might do some reading or yoga or something else completely benign. DOESN'T MATTER. My husband can "sense the energy" in the house and he can't sleep. I'm pretty sure the root of this is his bipolar mother getting him up at all hours of the night to do chores when he was young... but I'm not his mother. I require nothing from him and it irritates me that he requires that I stop everything for him, apparently every night for the next 50 years.

 

He sleeps with earplugs, an eye mask, 12 pillows and a fan. He can't take a sleeping pill because it makes him hungover-groggy in the morning. The other day while he was taking a nap I went into the bedroom and did a crazy dance for five minutes and he never stirred, so I consider that proof that it has nothing to do with any energy I'm "putting off" and everything to do with his perception of reality. I love him and of course the D word is never an option... but I am so mad at what feels like a total lack of respect for me and my desires.

 

What can I do?!?

 

Listen to yourself. Aren't you at the same level of "craziness" as him? Aren't you trying to control?

 

The only requirement I can see is that he asks you to be quiet during the sleep time but you turned it into "I stop everything for him, apparently every night for the next 50 years." On the other hand, you require him to tolerate you but he can't require you to tolerate him.

 

Find ways to compromise. Ask him what you can do help me and ask him what he can tolerate. Depriving people of sleep is very abusive and would cause many health issues.

 

Your feeling is not justified at all.

[d0nnivain]

Would you consider cuddling with him until he falls asleep then getting up to do whatever? DH stays up later than I do but sometimes I just want to fall asleep with him so this works for us.

[BlueIris]

Listen to yourself. Aren't you at the same level of "craziness" as him? Aren't you trying to control?

 

The only requirement I can see is that he asks you to be quiet during the sleep time but you turned it into "I stop everything for him, apparently every night for the next 50 years." On the other hand, you require him to tolerate you but he can't require you to tolerate him.

 

Find ways to compromise. Ask him what you can do help me and ask him what he can tolerate. Depriving people of sleep is very abusive and would cause many health issues.

 

Your feeling is not justified at all.

 

She is being quiet, very quiet, and he is still saying that just the "energy" of her being awake and out in the living room is disturbing to him. That is too demanding.

 

OP, he needs to address his inability to sleep when there are other people in the home doing other things. Maybe a white noise machine in the bedroom would help? or is that the purpose of the fan?

[elaine567]

Could it be that he just wants to chat in bed, then fall asleep with his wife, or perhaps have the option of sex?

He may see the "night owl" stuff as her choosing to avoid sex, intimacy, and closeness with him.

The bad energy/inability to sleep complaints I guess are just an excuse, what he really wants is his wife in bed with him at night.

Chatting in bed is great for bonding actually.

[berniev]

She is being quiet, very quiet, and he is still saying that just the "energy" of her being awake and out in the living room is disturbing to him. That is too demanding.

 

OP, he needs to address his inability to sleep when there are other people in the home doing other things. Maybe a white noise machine in the bedroom would help? or is that the purpose of the fan?

 

That's not "too demanding." The "energy" of her being awake is a real thing.

 

Quietness is different to different people. We need to recognize our differences and try to compromise.

[OldRover]

I can appreciate his situation. I'm the same way, and it my lady isn't right beside me, regardless of what she's doing, I don't sleep as well.... "IF" I knew she was eventually coming to bed.

 

Now, if she were out of town, it wouldn't bother me a bit.

 

However, I have gone to "separate" bedrooms on occasion, and that works.

[Emilia]

He doesn't like going to sleep without you. My ex H was the same, maybe he thinks there isn't enough intimacy in the marriage and I don't mean sex.

[rester]

Maybe he enjoys the intimacy of sharing the bed before he goes to sleep.

 

My girlfriend and I go to bed at the same time most nights. We go to bed at the same time, but not to sleep at the same time. Usually one of us will stay up reading or watching television or snacking or doing whatever. I feel like I can sleep better knowing she is close to me, even with noise and light, than if she was downstairs in the living room or somewhere else.

 

On some level I also think this habit is a unusual and possibly unhealthy, but it works for us.

[spanz1]

have you tried having sex with him around HIS bedtime. that way he will be exhausted, and sleep very well afterward. and if he does wake up from your movement, he will at least have fond memories from a few ours earlier.

[Morro72]

My mother's approach to this problem was to go into the bedroom with my father at 10pm and come out around midnight to read, cook, or whatever. She would usually go back to bed around 3. My father would leave for work at 6, leaving her to sleep as long as she liked.

 

I assume that between 10 and 12 she was napping quietly so that he could get to sleep. Maybe not. Whatever it was, he always seemed cheerful and well rested when he left for work.

[OldRover]

have you tried having sex with him around HIS bedtime. that way he will be exhausted, and sleep very well afterward. and if he does wake up from your movement, he will at least have fond memories from a few ours earlier.

 

Heck, I like that idea no matter when I go to bed......

[whichwayisup]

Listen to yourself. Aren't you at the same level of "craziness" as him? Aren't you trying to control?

 

The only requirement I can see is that he asks you to be quiet during the sleep time but you turned it into "I stop everything for him, apparently every night for the next 50 years." On the other hand, you require him to tolerate you but he can't require you to tolerate him.

 

Find ways to compromise. Ask him what you can do help me and ask him what he can tolerate. Depriving people of sleep is very abusive and would cause many health issues.

 

Your feeling is not justified at all.

 

Totally disagree with you here, respectfully.

 

She said: but I am very conscious of being respectful of other people (living in a college dorm for 5 years will do that). When my husband goes to sleep, I'll stay out in the living room with minimal lighting. If I'm watching a show, it's silent with subtitles. I might do some reading or yoga or something else completely benign. DOESN'T MATTER. My husband can "sense the energy" in the house and he can't sleep.

 

He doesn't want her to do anything except sleep when he goes to sleep. She has every right to stay up late, watch tv (with headphones on)! No where in there is she being loud or depriving him of sleep.

[OldRover]

Totally disagree with you here, respectfully.

 

She said: but I am very conscious of being respectful of other people (living in a college dorm for 5 years will do that). When my husband goes to sleep, I'll stay out in the living room with minimal lighting. If I'm watching a show, it's silent with subtitles. I might do some reading or yoga or something else completely benign. DOESN'T MATTER. My husband can "sense the energy" in the house and he can't sleep.

 

He doesn't want her to do anything except sleep when he goes to sleep. She has every right to stay up late, watch tv (with headphones on)! No where in there is she being loud or depriving him of sleep.

 

And I'll disagree with that.... She has the right to stay up just as much as he certainly has the right to want to sleep with her at the same time. Need to just come to some sort of mutual agreement. I've been there, and you can work it out.

[anika99]

Listen to yourself. Aren't you at the same level of "craziness" as him? Aren't you trying to control?

 

The only requirement I can see is that he asks you to be quiet during the sleep time but you turned it into "I stop everything for him, apparently every night for the next 50 years." On the other hand, you require him to tolerate you but he can't require you to tolerate him.

 

Find ways to compromise. Ask him what you can do help me and ask him what he can tolerate. Depriving people of sleep is very abusive and would cause many health issues.

 

Your feeling is not justified at all.

 

The OP doesn't have to justify her feelings. Feelings cannot be right or wrong, the just are.

 

 

She is already doing everything she can to be quiet and not disturb him. He cannot hear her but claims "he can feel the energy". Yet somehow he does not "feel her energy" when he naps. That's odd.

 

 

I think he is not telling her his real problem with her staying up late. I think that he thinks she should go to bed with him and when she doesn't it he gets annoyed and his annoyed thoughts keep him awake.

 

 

I think couples should make an effort to go to bed together at least a few nights a week if possible as it's good for intimacy and bonding. If the OP is refusing to ever go to bed with her husband perhaps that needs to be addressed. However if the OP's husband is refusing to ever go to bed alone without making an issue of it, then that also needs to be addressed.