Was It Just Jealousy, Or More?

[SweetKitten]

Hello, loves! Back again. I've been thinking about something and I've only had opinions from my friends or others and I figured it was time to settle this matter and maybe give myself some closure.

 

This might be long, so please bear with me!

 

A few years ago, I was down and out. I had just left school, had a horrible falling out with basically all of my closest friends, was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and alcohol abuse, and my only pet (a turtle) died right in front of me. I was in a dark place, ya'll.

 

My cousin and I used to pass our time on omegle (I know, go ahead and laugh) talking to random people and just having a laugh. But one night, after my pet died, after realizing I literally had no one to talk to, I took to omegle to talk about random things. In particular, Britain because I was planning to visit there one day.

 

Anyway, after talking to many random, horny, awful strangers, I met a guy who was genuinely interested in me. Not what sex I was or if I would message him on AIM or whatever. So we talked for what seemed like hours until I realized I needed to sleep. He was in the UK, so it was already morning for him. We exchanged Skypes and went our separate ways.

 

The next morning, he had added me, and we talked again for hours and exchanged photos and he was probably the most attractive guy I'd had the opportunity of flirting with in a loooooooooooong time (I went to an arts school, mainly guys interested in guys, so this was VERY NEW to me).

 

After a few days of talking like this, he asked me out. I politely declined because of distance and just not knowing him well enough. But, he was persistent, and he was everything I wanted (at the time) so, eventually, I said yes. I adored him. He gave me purpose. He seemed to care about me, and only me. The only problem was that he couldn't hold me when I needed him to.

 

Anyway, one of the first real arguments we had was over a story I had written. It was just something I did to pass the time and get thoughts out of my head before I even met him. In the story, the guy had a different name than his, and he got mad. It had only been maybe 3 days, but he got mad because my story wasn't about him. I tried to reconcile that and he apologized, and I didn't think much of it.

 

Over the next couple of months, we learned a lot about one another. He learned that I suffered from depression and anxiety, and I learned he suffered from psychosis (an awful combination), but we still adored one another. I was a nightmare, I'm sure. A bundle of emotion, clingy, afraid to lose him, and if he went two hours without talking to me, I'd hold a grudge, but he was always so understanding. Until it all flipped.

 

He was a big gamer. Distance is an awful thing already, but lack of communication is deadly to LDR (long distance relationships). On some days, he would go nearly 24 hours without so much as a hey. I thought maybe I was just overreacting, so I started to find other things to do. I joined a group within my tumblr community (mainly sex enthusiasts) and we all talked on Skype and it wasn't anything inappropriate, so I invited my boyfriend. He joined for a second, and got pissed off because a guy was flirting with me. I DID flirt back. That was wrong of me. I shouldn't have. But in my opinion it wasn't flirting. He mentioned something about me being pretty, I said thank you. He flirted more in a sexual way, I dodged his compliments and continued talking with everyone else. My boyfriend was pissed. He threatened to kill the guy. He threatened to break up with me. He was crying hysterically and saying that we were done and I was afraid to lose him, so I begged forgiveness. We tried to move on, but he continued to hold that grudge, ignoring me, giving short answers, playing his games and I felt lonely. The other guy from the skype chats told me he was showing signs of abuse. I laughed it off and told him, there's no way. He's just mad. I shouldn't have flirted.

 

My boyfriend at that point told me to cut contact with the guy, and all of my other friends, and delete my tumblr. I resisted, but he said we're done, so I caved and did it anyway. I lost everyone except my boyfriend, and I felt like at that point, he was in control of my life.

 

Over the next year, the same things would go down. I would talk to a guy, (a coworker, a cashier, a f*cking old man in line at the store) and he would flip. He would accuse me of cheating, lying, and he would threaten to either kill himself or break up with me, and to prevent that, I would do whatever he asked me.

 

Eventually, I was without friends, and I had to wait for him. If he wanted to go two days without talking to me, I'd just have to wait. I couldn't talk to anyone of the opposite sex.

 

We broke up several times throughout the year, and one time in particular (on my birthday of all days) we broke up, and we didn't speak for a month. I moved on. I finally was able to talk to guys. I spoke to guys that he had "banned" me from speaking to. I figured it was over, until one day he came back, apologizing for everything and saying we would be better. I should have said no thanks, but I took him back. The following last month of our relationship was a nightmare. He asked for ALL of my passwords. He read ALL of my messages, and he hit the ceiling. He called me a lying, cheating whore who only cared about herself and said it didn't matter that we were apart, I was still a liar and a whore for talking to other guys, and I tried to defend myself. I actually tried to apologize to HIM for talking to other guys while we were broken up.

 

Throughout this whole ordeal, I managed to start therapy, and take meds for my own illnesses. I eventually tried to help him do the same, but he refused. And when I started finding ways to spend my time instead of being so clingy to him, he said obviously you're cheating, lying, and I can't deal with it. So, he broke up with me again, for the final time.

 

I was in a better place mentally, so I accepted it, and we have yet to get back together since (It's been a year).

 

But...I just don't know whether to accept that as normal in a relationship? Was it just jealousy? Was it some form of abuse?

 

A few of my friends said the fact that he was threatening to end his life or to end our relationship several times was his way of abusing me emotionally. I don't know.

 

To this day, I'm still at a loss. If I was wrong, I want to know. Maybe I was. Maybe there are things I need to change about myself. Maybe I don't know how relationships work.

 

I don't know.

[smackie9]

It's wrong, he is wrong, stay away from him.....he's got more than jealousy issues going on there.

 

He is a controlling abuser....I went through this...it's a vicious cycle of abuse, and apologies, then abuse again.

[SweetKitten]

It's wrong, he is wrong, stay away from him.....he's got more than jealousy issues going on there.

 

He is a controlling abuser....I went through this...it's a vicious cycle of abuse, and apologies, then abuse again.

 

Yeah. I guess at the time, I didn't know that. He made me out to be the bad guy. The friends we made together all saw me as a monster. They all avoid me now like the plague.

 

It took an extreme blow to my self-esteem because I'm used being honest and being likeable, but they just were vicious.

 

And I still think about what i could have done better.

[smackie9]

The guy is a manipulative monster....About Covert Emotional Manipulation |

[Radu]

Hello, loves! Back again. I've been thinking about something and I've only had opinions from my friends or others and I figured it was time to settle this matter and maybe give myself some closure.

 

This might be long, so please bear with me!

 

A few years ago, I was down and out. I had just left school, had a horrible falling out with basically all of my closest friends, was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and alcohol abuse, and my only pet (a turtle) died right in front of me. I was in a dark place, ya'll.

 

My cousin and I used to pass our time on omegle (I know, go ahead and laugh) talking to random people and just having a laugh. But one night, after my pet died, after realizing I literally had no one to talk to, I took to omegle to talk about random things. In particular, Britain because I was planning to visit there one day.

 

Anyway, after talking to many random, horny, awful strangers, I met a guy who was genuinely interested in me. Not what sex I was or if I would message him on AIM or whatever. So we talked for what seemed like hours until I realized I needed to sleep. He was in the UK, so it was already morning for him. We exchanged Skypes and went our separate ways.

So ... omegle is something like mIRC ... asl pls en mass ?

 

The next morning, he had added me, and we talked again for hours and exchanged photos and he was probably the most attractive guy I'd had the opportunity of flirting with in a loooooooooooong time (I went to an arts school, mainly guys interested in guys, so this was VERY NEW to me).

 

After a few days of talking like this, he asked me out. I politely declined because of distance and just not knowing him well enough. But, he was persistent, and he was everything I wanted (at the time) so, eventually, I said yes. I adored him. He gave me purpose. He seemed to care about me, and only me. The only problem was that he couldn't hold me when I needed him to.

I did mIRC for a while and the problem with it is this, communication is only 7% verbal, 50% is body language and the rest is pure tonality.

You can mimick some tonality in written words, but body language will remain foreign.

And body language is the most ... honest part of something someone tells you.

 

Anyway, one of the first real arguments we had was over a story I had written. It was just something I did to pass the time and get thoughts out of my head before I even met him. In the story, the guy had a different name than his, and he got mad. It had only been maybe 3 days, but he got mad because my story wasn't about him. I tried to reconcile that and he apologized, and I didn't think much of it.

Somewhat of a red flag.

 

Over the next couple of months, we learned a lot about one another. He learned that I suffered from depression and anxiety, and I learned he suffered from psychosis (an awful combination), but we still adored one another. I was a nightmare, I'm sure. A bundle of emotion, clingy, afraid to lose him, and if he went two hours without talking to me, I'd hold a grudge, but he was always so understanding. Until it all flipped.

He was also afraid of losing you ... he flipped when you wrote the story with the male character having a different name.

That hints at control issues.

In his mind, you should have been thinking solely on him, his name should have been the only one on your lips.

It hints at a desire to control that is shockingly large, and the need of control stems in great insecurity.

 

 

He was a big gamer. Distance is an awful thing already, but lack of communication is deadly to LDR (long distance relationships). On some days, he would go nearly 24 hours without so much as a hey. I thought maybe I was just overreacting, so I started to find other things to do. I joined a group within my tumblr community (mainly sex enthusiasts) and we all talked on Skype and it wasn't anything inappropriate, so I invited my boyfriend. He joined for a second, and got pissed off because a guy was flirting with me. I DID flirt back. That was wrong of me. I shouldn't have. But in my opinion it wasn't flirting. He mentioned something about me being pretty, I said thank you. He flirted more in a sexual way, I dodged his compliments and continued talking with everyone else. My boyfriend was pissed. He threatened to kill the guy. He threatened to break up with me. He was crying hysterically and saying that we were done and I was afraid to lose him, so I begged forgiveness. We tried to move on, but he continued to hold that grudge, ignoring me, giving short answers, playing his games and I felt lonely. The other guy from the skype chats told me he was showing signs of abuse. I laughed it off and told him, there's no way. He's just mad. I shouldn't have flirted.

Nope, you should not have invited him all along.

I suspect you invited him to triangulate or to get him to involve more with you.

 

Doing triangulation is bad, it creates drama and it's purpose long term is to create a long triangle of 2 of the same gender fighting for the other one.

To cause jealousy in the desired person, to get that person to invest more.

 

Either way, it showed manipulation or just plain neediness on your part.

 

My boyfriend at that point told me to cut contact with the guy, and all of my other friends, and delete my tumblr. I resisted, but he said we're done, so I caved and did it anyway. I lost everyone except my boyfriend, and I felt like at that point, he was in control of my life.

You handed that control.

What he did was basically to isolate yourself, and focus your entire life on him.

 

That means, that your entire feed of standards of reality [what we see as rules of behaviour based on our own experiences] had as sole source him.

This is done by emotional abusers many time, to isolate the victim/enabler.

 

You went willingly, it means your self-esteem is not that high.

 

Over the next year, the same things would go down. I would talk to a guy, (a coworker, a cashier, a f*cking old man in line at the store) and he would flip. He would accuse me of cheating, lying, and he would threaten to either kill himself or break up with me, and to prevent that, I would do whatever he asked me.

If you would bring up these males on a regular basis, it could still be a bit triangulation.

If he pumped you for information on this, it's purely his desire to control.

 

In effect, he was training you like you would train a dog.

In time, the individual comes to believe that the 'new reality' is the only reality and what they used to be, becomes a distant memory from another lifetime.

 

Eventually, I was without friends, and I had to wait for him. If he wanted to go two days without talking to me, I'd just have to wait. I couldn't talk to anyone of the opposite sex.

You basically handed him absolute control of your life since now he held the sole source of companionship of any kind.

 

We broke up several times throughout the year, and one time in particular (on my birthday of all days) we broke up, and we didn't speak for a month. I moved on. I finally was able to talk to guys. I spoke to guys that he had "banned" me from speaking to. I figured it was over, until one day he came back, apologizing for everything and saying we would be better. I should have said no thanks, but I took him back. The following last month of our relationship was a nightmare. He asked for ALL of my passwords. He read ALL of my messages, and he hit the ceiling. He called me a lying, cheating whore who only cared about herself and said it didn't matter that we were apart, I was still a liar and a whore for talking to other guys, and I tried to defend myself. I actually tried to apologize to HIM for talking to other guys while we were broken up.

This reactions of him, are instinctive and are aimed at causing drama to properly train you into being an obedient little slave.

 

Throughout this whole ordeal, I managed to start therapy, and take meds for my own illnesses. I eventually tried to help him do the same, but he refused. And when I started finding ways to spend my time instead of being so clingy to him, he said obviously you're cheating, lying, and I can't deal with it. So, he broke up with me again, for the final time.

If he has psychosis, there may be meds.

But the most likely explanation is that he is an abusive individual with roots in some form of Personality Disorder.

Most abusive ppl have in fact the elements of personality disorders to one degree or another.

 

I was in a better place mentally, so I accepted it, and we have yet to get back together since (It's been a year).

 

But...I just don't know whether to accept that as normal in a relationship? Was it just jealousy? Was it some form of abuse?

 

A few of my friends said the fact that he was threatening to end his life or to end our relationship several times was his way of abusing me emotionally. I don't know.

 

To this day, I'm still at a loss. If I was wrong, I want to know. Maybe I was. Maybe there are things I need to change about myself. Maybe I don't know how relationships work.

 

I don't know.

Threatening suicide is a massive guilt trip, in effect he is holding his body hostage.

With ppl like these, you need to document the instances, and call the Police as a concerned citizen.

 

You were wrong in accepting it, you walked into this, and you need to find out why.

Why was the relationship OK with you for so long.

The longer someone stays in an abusive relationship, the weaker their self-esteem is.

Also, he dumped you, not the other way around.

He dumped you, he ended it for now [he will return], you reacted to it by moving on.

[Radu]

Yeah. I guess at the time, I didn't know that. He made me out to be the bad guy. The friends we made together all saw me as a monster. They all avoid me now like the plague.

 

It took an extreme blow to my self-esteem because I'm used being honest and being likeable, but they just were vicious.

 

And I still think about what i could have done better.

 

He was probably 'splitting' you.

That means he actually truly believed what he was saying about you.