Odd relationship with a girl not sure what is going on!

[AJ27k]

So I am in this weird relationship with a girl I met last month.

 

So I am a guitar player in a local cover band, nothing huge but it helps pay the bills while in college! Last month we had a girl that filled in as a guest singer because our main singer got sick but we didn't want to cancel the shows over the weeken. This was the first time I met her and we hit it off during breaks and afterwards.

 

She was single, a lot of fun to be around, attractive and we really started to have fun. Over the next two weeks we hung out, got intimate pretty quick and we saw each other almost everyday.

 

All of a sudden things went cold. It started out that she got a cold and cancelled plans 2 days in a row. She still texted me but it seemed like something had changed. We ended up not seeing each other for almost a week.

 

Then like nothing had happened, things picked up were we left off. Spent a string of days together over the next two weeks, had a blast, got intimate alot and she even throw around the idea that I should join her cover band because they were having issues with their guitar player and want to fire him.

 

Now we are back to not hanging out and few text conversations again. What is going on? I can't seem to figure out why the hot and cold nature of things.

 

I made it clear during the last string of days I liked her alot and she said the same. Nothing changed after we had that conversation, things were going well so I don't think that had something to do with it.

 

Now we are on day 5, no set plans, short text conversations, etc.

 

Any clue what is going on? I checked with a friend that knows her well thay confirmed she is single and not into anyone else. So thats not it. Also this person said "seems she's into you"

 

I am busy this weekend so I can't hang out again until monday, I texted her this morning and said we definitely should hang out next week. She texted back saying "definitely but got to see what is going on first"

 

If this isn't going to work I kind of need to know. I want to say something to her next time but not sure how or if that is a good idea.

 

If she has no intention of dating or something is going on, I just want to move on. Sad because I really like her but I can't waste my time. She is 26 and I am 24, so no huge age difference either causing an issue.

[Elias33]

You decide if it's going to work or not.

 

Do you like what is going on right now? No? I would say, end it.

 

If it doesn't feel right, don't do it. That is how you don't waste time.

[AJ27k]

You decide if it's going to work or not.

 

Do you like what is going on right now? No? I would say, end it.

 

If it doesn't feel right, don't do it. That is how you don't waste time.

 

I wish it were that easy, I like when we are together the high from being with her is great. But I don't like these streaks of coldness.

 

You know how you get when you fall madly in love with someone especially when it seems 100% mutual for a few weeks. You just want to hold on and keep the moments going.

 

But these cold streaks an entire week last time and now because I am busy and out of town this weekend, it will be an entire week or more. I just don't understand them. I wish I knew the cause?

 

I am considering telling her this weekend I am 100% on board with replacing there guitar player which means leaving my band just to try and continue this. Is that crazy? Because when I take a step back I think it is but I really feel like I will go through with it and its not a smart decision.

 

It feels right some times and wrong other times. I want to just confront her on it but if there is really something going on that has nothing to do with me I might ruin the chance of us being in a serious relationship.

[Versacehottie]

I wish it were that easy, I like when we are together the high from being with her is great. But I don't like these streaks of coldness.

 

You know how you get when you fall madly in love with someone especially when it seems 100% mutual for a few weeks. You just want to hold on and keep the moments going.

 

But these cold streaks an entire week last time and now because I am busy and out of town this weekend, it will be an entire week or more. I just don't understand them. I wish I knew the cause?

 

I am considering telling her this weekend I am 100% on board with replacing there guitar player which means leaving my band just to try and continue this. Is that crazy? Because when I take a step back I think it is but I really feel like I will go through with it and its not a smart decision.

 

It feels right some times and wrong other times. I want to just confront her on it but if there is really something going on that has nothing to do with me I might ruin the chance of us being in a serious relationship.

 

first of all, are you sure there is nothing you are doing to the cause hot and colds for her? Sometimes guys are clueless that they are part of the cause. You can't just expect her to be 100% on and into you while you do your thing and pop in and out like you please or not give her enough feedback to know what's going on. I don't think that's the case here but make sure it isn't. Be specific with your requests to hang out. It helps to keep momentum going if there is an upcoming date in place. If not, realize you have left in a very uncertain mode where she won't know at all what the future holds for the two of you. That's where she can let doubts creep in. She also may just be reluctant to lose her freedom if she feels like you are wanting to be in a relationship. That doesn't mean its doomed but people can act odd during this period.

 

Don't join the band at this point. It's a separate issue and you would be doing it for the wrong reasons.

[rester]

I am considering telling her this weekend I am 100% on board with replacing there guitar player which means leaving my band just to try and continue this. Is that crazy? Because when I take a step back I think it is but I really feel like I will go through with it and its not a smart decision.

 

Do not do this!

 

I think you like her a lot more than she likes you. I'm sorry to say, but from where I am sitting, your chances of a serious relationship with her do not seem to be high. What you have is a friends with benefits situation.

 

She's a flighty musician and that's not likely to change.

[AJ27k]

first of all, are you sure there is nothing you are doing to the cause hot and colds for her? Sometimes guys are clueless that they are part of the cause. You can't just expect her to be 100% on and into you while you do your thing and pop in and out like you please or not give her enough feedback to know what's going on. I don't think that's the case here but make sure it isn't. Be specific with your requests to hang out. It helps to keep momentum going if there is an upcoming date in place. If not, realize you have left in a very uncertain mode where she won't know at all what the future holds for the two of you. That's where she can let doubts creep in. She also may just be reluctant to lose her freedom if she feels like you are wanting to be in a relationship. That doesn't mean its doomed but people can act odd during this period.

 

Don't join the band at this point. It's a separate issue and you would be doing it for the wrong reasons.

 

I really have only been in two super long term relationship in my life so I am kind of rusty with the dating scene now. First relationship took me from 17 - 20 and 2nd relationship took me from 21 - 24 (we broke up 5 months ago because of serious trust issues)

 

You bring up a good point, I can't rule say with certainty I am not doing anything to cause these cold streaks. Also generally I have never set specific dates/times when we make plans, it seems she has done more of that.

 

She has been texting me throughout the day since I made this post, I haven't asked her specifically about plans but she did say without me bringing it up "I wish you weren't going to be out of town this weekend, I wanted you at our band's show tomorrow night!" She also texted me saying she is having issues with their guitar player again and she might need my help much sooner. Is it possible she is leading me on and doing this to get me to join her band?? Sounds far fetched I know.

 

So I feel like she does have some interest in me, she wouldn't keep texting me throughout the day?

 

Also I have been pretty passive in terms of making moves or expressing to her that I really have fallen in love with her. I mean I would imagine she would have gotten that by now from actions but maybe this is the cause of the problem? Tough to tell.

[preraph]

Musicians and people in bands are notoriously prone to disappearing for days at a time, I can tell you that. She's probably just like your male buddies. She's got a lot of irons in the fire and some options and if she's a serious musician, she may forget all about social stuff when something is going on with the band.

[AJ27k]

Do not do this!

 

I think you like her a lot more than she likes you. I'm sorry to say, but from where I am sitting, your chances of a serious relationship with her do not seem to be high. What you have is a friends with benefits situation.

 

She's a flighty musician and that's not likely to change.

 

I know joining her band is a bad idea, I agree. Problem is I am still tempted to solely because of her. I know its a foolish thing to do. I know its would likely end in disaster but something still makes me think there is a small chance it might just work. Stranger things have happened in my life.

 

The flighty thing I completely get, I think this too. But we are both on the scene so technically I could also be a flighty musician too? Anyways its not like we are in these bands that will lead either of us to the stars. Just local cover bands that play at bars, restaurants, etc. Her band has been around longer than the one I am in, but regardless neither of us are going to become famous!

[Versacehottie]

Do not do this!

 

I think you like her a lot more than she likes you. I'm sorry to say, but from where I am sitting, your chances of a serious relationship with her do not seem to be high. What you have is a friends with benefits situation.

 

She's a flighty musician and that's not likely to change.

 

I kinda agree with level of interest as you described--that's what seems to be going on. Doesn't mean it's doomed though but it may be at a critical point.

 

Generalization but if OP is providing an accurate and virtually unbiased opinion of her behavior: yes, she sounds like a flighty musician. Very free love, no strings.

[Versacehottie]

I know joining her band is a bad idea, I agree. Problem is I am still tempted to solely because of her. I know its a foolish thing to do. I know its would likely end in disaster but something still makes me think there is a small chance it might just work. Stranger things have happened in my life.

 

The flighty thing I completely get, I think this too. But we are both on the scene so technically I could also be a flighty musician too? Anyways its not like we are in these bands that will lead either of us to the stars. Just local cover bands that play at bars, restaurants, etc. Her band has been around longer than the one I am in, but regardless neither of us are going to become famous!

 

She will likely still be annoyed with her guitar player in the near future if you hold off on this decision. I hate to say it but I think you need to play a little harder to get. And if holding back on being in her band is one of the ways to do it, then you need to do it. No one is talking fame here. I'm talking about having some cojones!!! Don't DO IT!!

[Versacehottie]

So I feel like she does have some interest in me, she wouldn't keep texting me throughout the day?

 

Also I have been pretty passive in terms of making moves or expressing to her that I really have fallen in love with her. I mean I would imagine she would have gotten that by now from actions but maybe this is the cause of the problem? Tough to tell.

 

I think you are acting too beta because of your high level of interest in this girl. She hasn't shown you a reciprocated interest level that matches yours. If you get too close (joining her band), letting her make all the plans or blurting out your over-the-top (for this stage in the game) feelings, she is going to feel smothered. She so far has been leading with all the band stuff, right? So sounds like that's her priority about you. Of course, she is somewhat interested in you. But I think if you rollover and just be a little puppy dog to her whims, she is going to lose respect and subsequently interest.

 

I think you need to pull back from being at her beck and call (texting throughout the day says I have nothing better going on), joining her band (says I have something going on with my band but I will drop it in a second to be in yours) and letting her make the plans (says I like you so much I will do anything and everything to be wherever you are). It may sound counter-intuitive based on how you are feeling or when someone's actions are hot and cold. But you really need to show her your strength/stronger side. Be confident and firm when you ask her to make plans. Have an idea of what you want to do and when. If she can't make it then, be a bit flexible about time/date but not overly so. I think you are in danger of letting her feel like she can jerk you around which is the fast road to either a failed relationship or one in which you will not feel happy. Good luck

[Elias33]

I wish it were that easy, I like when we are together the high from being with her is great. But I don't like these streaks of coldness.

 

You know how you get when you fall madly in love with someone especially when it seems 100% mutual for a few weeks. You just want to hold on and keep the moments going.

 

But these cold streaks an entire week last time and now because I am busy and out of town this weekend, it will be an entire week or more. I just don't understand them. I wish I knew the cause?

 

I am considering telling her this weekend I am 100% on board with replacing there guitar player which means leaving my band just to try and continue this. Is that crazy? Because when I take a step back I think it is but I really feel like I will go through with it and its not a smart decision.

 

It feels right some times and wrong other times. I want to just confront her on it but if there is really something going on that has nothing to do with me I might ruin the chance of us being in a serious relationship.

 

No, it's not that easy. But it is that simple.

 

You will not change her, you can only accept, or move on. And you are bothered enough to seek advice. You're crazy about this chick, of course you are not going to use logic. We all know the feeling.

[AJ27k]

I think you are acting too beta because of your high level of interest in this girl. She hasn't shown you a reciprocated interest level that matches yours. If you get too close (joining her band), letting her make all the plans or blurting out your over-the-top (for this stage in the game) feelings, she is going to feel smothered. She so far has been leading with all the band stuff, right? So sounds like that's her priority about you. Of course, she is somewhat interested in you. But I think if you rollover and just be a little puppy dog to her whims, she is going to lose respect and subsequently interest.

 

I think you need to pull back from being at her beck and call (texting throughout the day says I have nothing better going on), joining her band (says I have something going on with my band but I will drop it in a second to be in yours) and letting her make the plans (says I like you so much I will do anything and everything to be wherever you are). It may sound counter-intuitive based on how you are feeling or when someone's actions are hot and cold. But you really need to show her your strength/stronger side. Be confident and firm when you ask her to make plans. Have an idea of what you want to do and when. If she can't make it then, be a bit flexible about time/date but not overly so. I think you are in danger of letting her feel like she can jerk you around which is the fast road to either a failed relationship or one in which you will not feel happy. Good luck

 

Thanks for your last 3 posts, I appreciate the advice. This has really got me thinking more clearly about this situation.

 

The issues they are having with this guitar player aren't going to go away, based on what I know of the situation, they are only keeping him around until they have a good replacement. You are right, I need to really think about this and regardless stall about joining her band.

 

The time I did tell her I had feelings for was one night back at her apartment I basically told I thought we were really into each other and she agreed. But it wasn't anything over the top or smothering. I don't feel like I would get like that even if I joined her band.

 

I agree I need to be much more firm and confident with making plans with her. For some strange lead she has taken the lead as of late so I need to balance that out. I completely agree and if things get back on track I aim to do that. This whole thing with her caught me off guard, after I first met her, she was pretty aggressive immediately with making plans and staying in touch. I honestly wasn't sure what to expect and at least at the time I was very much into another girl that I was hoping to start getting serious with. This whole thing with her though completely left my feelings for this other girl in the dust. Its like I got caught off guard and never really regaining my footing if that makes any sense?

[AJ27k]

No, it's not that easy. But it is that simple.

 

You will not change her, you can only accept, or move on. And you are bothered enough to seek advice. You're crazy about this chick, of course you are not going to use logic. We all know the feeling.

 

Thanks and I do hate when this happens. You get crazy about a chick and rational thinking goes out the window. The highs and lows of these things make us do and say things that defy logic at times!

 

I definitely was bothered enough to seek advice. I told a few friends about this after the first cold streak and they almost said something to her on facebook, so afraid to tell them anything else. I have gotten advice on here in the past and people just have some good perspective and takes on her that really get you thinking more clearly. While I might not agree with everything everyone says, it all helps me handle this stuff.

[Versacehottie]

 

yes it makes sense. I think part of the reason she is "it" for you is because she is not easy to pin down and she sounds confident. Good luck

[AJ27k]

yes it makes sense. I think part of the reason she is "it" for you is because she is not easy to pin down and she sounds confident. Good luck

 

Thanks! I agree with you on this 100%. She is super confident and not easy to pin down. I am generally confident in myself too, just seems like this situation has me second guessing.

 

In the past, if I am into a girl and she is into me, things move forward into a relationship. This hot and cold streak thing is new to me! Maybe I just have gotten lucky up until this point not having to deal with this? I dunno to be honest.

 

She texted me a ton Sunday night and I did what was suggested, I said why don't we meet up at a specific place at a specific time Wednesday. She said she had plans already that night with her sister who was in town until Thursday (which is true based on facebook posts). She said she also is really busy this week but she "most definitely needs to make to see her awesome crush" and to "keep Thursday night free". Wasn't sure how to react and just said "great, let me know sooner than later as I usual go out with a group of some old friends from high school on thursdays"

 

So I battle with if she is being genuine with me or playing me off as friends with benefits or a second option, neither which I would be ok with and despite how much I have fallen for her I would let her know that is completely not ok, cut ties and painfully move on. Why do we put ourselves through this lol!

 

Thanks for all of th advice you and others have given to me on here, its been substantially better than what some of my friends have told me!

[Versacehottie]

Thanks! I agree with you on this 100%. She is super confident and not easy to pin down. I am generally confident in myself too, just seems like this situation has me second guessing.

 

In the past, if I am into a girl and she is into me, things move forward into a relationship. This hot and cold streak thing is new to me! Maybe I just have gotten lucky up until this point not having to deal with this? I dunno to be honest.

 

She texted me a ton Sunday night and I did what was suggested, I said why don't we meet up at a specific place at a specific time Wednesday. She said she had plans already that night with her sister who was in town until Thursday (which is true based on facebook posts). She said she also is really busy this week but she "most definitely needs to make to see her awesome crush" and to "keep Thursday night free". Wasn't sure how to react and just said "great, let me know sooner than later as I usual go out with a group of some old friends from high school on thursdays"

 

So I battle with if she is being genuine with me or playing me off as friends with benefits or a second option, neither which I would be ok with and despite how much I have fallen for her I would let her know that is completely not ok, cut ties and painfully move on. Why do we put ourselves through this lol!

 

Thanks for all of th advice you and others have given to me on here, its been substantially better than what some of my friends have told me!

 

Thank you! Ok well I want to do my best to get you what you want. Needless to say, even sometimes with the best effort and being a great person (you), sometimes it still doesn't happen for whatever reason.

 

Ok, so her sister is around on Wednesday. That's fine. But was she giving you a DEFINITE Thursday night? If not, why not? Work schedule?

 

Well if I were in your shoes, you already mentioned you usually go out with your h.s. friends. If she has you in limbo for just some random reason, I would check in with her by tomorrow to see if she has sorted out whether she can make it or not on Thursday. If she says no she can't make it on thursday or is still wavering or putting you in limbo, say ok I was just checking bc my friends do have plans to go out that night and could we arrange for another SINCE YOU ARE STILL UNSURE OF YOUR SCHEDULE. More in your own voice/wording but you get the picture. You need to take the power back and not be at her beck and call. Totally legit if her sister is in town but depending on reasons for thursday, she should be firm with you about setting up thursday or setting up an alternative day.

 

Two things can be going on here: she is not 100% prioritizing you yet (which could be for a variety of reasons--some of them like you said FWB or second option) OR which I think is worse, this is just her personality. If her personality is just where she always has to be the leader and have people at her beck and call, that's so one-sided. If it's her personality, she likely won't compromise with you at all so you will have the answer on that fairly soon. I would add as far as family members go meeting a sibling is pretty easy so she could have included you in spontaneous plans with her sister like if they go to see a band or go to a bar or go out with a group. I forgot for the moment how many times you've been out so far but at a month in and relatively young age that would be normal---unless the sister is an oddball or their plans are completely girly. Gather information when you do go out -- it will help you see where her head is. BTW, I don't mean interrogate her or be suspicious but usually when you ask people about their life, and what they've been up to recently, their priorities and how they conduct their life becomes apparent. Good luck and hang in there. Not sure what will happen yet.

[AJ27k]

Thank you! Ok well I want to do my best to get you what you want. Needless to say, even sometimes with the best effort and being a great person (you), sometimes it still doesn't happen for whatever reason.

 

Ok, so her sister is around on Wednesday. That's fine. But was she giving you a DEFINITE Thursday night? If not, why not? Work schedule?

 

Well if I were in your shoes, you already mentioned you usually go out with your h.s. friends. If she has you in limbo for just some random reason, I would check in with her by tomorrow to see if she has sorted out whether she can make it or not on Thursday. If she says no she can't make it on thursday or is still wavering or putting you in limbo, say ok I was just checking bc my friends do have plans to go out that night and could we arrange for another SINCE YOU ARE STILL UNSURE OF YOUR SCHEDULE. More in your own voice/wording but you get the picture. You need to take the power back and not be at her beck and call. Totally legit if her sister is in town but depending on reasons for thursday, she should be firm with you about setting up thursday or setting up an alternative day.

 

Two things can be going on here: she is not 100% prioritizing you yet (which could be for a variety of reasons--some of them like you said FWB or second option) OR which I think is worse, this is just her personality. If her personality is just where she always has to be the leader and have people at her beck and call, that's so one-sided. If it's her personality, she likely won't compromise with you at all so you will have the answer on that fairly soon. I would add as far as family members go meeting a sibling is pretty easy so she could have included you in spontaneous plans with her sister like if they go to see a band or go to a bar or go out with a group. I forgot for the moment how many times you've been out so far but at a month in and relatively young age that would be normal---unless the sister is an oddball or their plans are completely girly. Gather information when you do go out -- it will help you see where her head is. BTW, I don't mean interrogate her or be suspicious but usually when you ask people about their life, and what they've been up to recently, their priorities and how they conduct their life becomes apparent. Good luck and hang in there. Not sure what will happen yet.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to help me with this and give really good advice to follow.

 

I am going to text her tomorrow and basically ask we definite on Thursday because if so I need to let my friends know sooner than later I won't be catching them out.

 

The sister thing seems likely real, she only sees here once a year and they had family stuff planned tuesday and wednesday from what she has told me directly and also what she posted on facebook. I think this is genuine, much more so than the last cold streak where it didn't seem like any good reason why we didn't see each other for almost a week.

 

Her personality it quite different from most woman I have dated or have as friends. She seems very outgoing and the leader type on the surface, but it actually quite shy, and somewhat insecure about herself. I can't completely figure her out and its been a month.

 

I just can't understand what flips the switch on the hot and cold streaks. When we first met, she was pretty aggressive in getting my number, making plans to see each other again and initiating texting and phone calls. I thought she was super attractive and had a great personality. She immediately made me forget the girl I had hung out with a few times and was moving towards trying to date. We really connected the nights we were out and it was constant seeing each other. The first cold streak was bizarre, she said she had a cold, then it was she was really busy, and text responses were often hours after I would send a text to her. I really thought great, this is over and I have no freaking clue why. Then like nothing, she wanted to see me and constant seeing each other again for a little more than a week. Only to get hit with a another cold streak, similar pattern. FWB, second option, not prioritizing me? Not sure I know enough yet to answer this.

 

Thanks, looks like I will need all the luck I can get. I really am mixed on what or if I should say anything when/if we hit another hot streak. I guess I just need to ask more about her life and maybe I will get a better understand of what/why this is happening.

[Versacehottie]

 

Thanks, looks like I will need all the luck I can get. I really am mixed on what or if I should say anything when/if we hit another hot streak. I guess I just need to ask more about her life and maybe I will get a better understand of what/why this is happening.

 

yeah that's just for information gathering purposes. You should already have your own ideas of what meets your level of standard. Don't adjust your standards based on conclusions you come to from hearing about her life. That said, if you can decipher the clues that are in people's every day speech and talk of their comings and goings. You can get a good idea of whether or not their word TO YOU are just crap or a line of bs or at odds with their actions. As far as how you continue forward, use her actions as your guide.

 

hope things are going your way today.

[AJ27k]

So things are still mixed. She told me thursday night won't work basically because of some family plans (sister is leaving and she has to drive her to the airport and they are going out for a family dinner etc....). She also said "I really want to see my crush, can you do lunch thursday" I actually didn't respond for a few hours because I was working and my phone was left in my car. She then texted saying "I hope you are not upset and not responding as a result" and "I miss seeing you"

 

I did respond and said I couldn't do lunch, and Friday and Saturday are busy because my cover band is playing both nights, between work, some grad school stuff, I can't hang out until sunday. Now I probably could fit some plans in but now I kind of feel like I should do the same thing back.

 

She said she would get back to me for sunday, haven't heard from her since.

 

So I don't know, I am kind of tired of playing this game. I really like her and want things to work out, but not sure how much more time I should waste. I am tempted of even making plans with the girl I was hanging out with and kind of dating prior to meeting her.

Edited July 1, 2015 by AJ27k

[Versacehottie]

yeah mixed. well she did try to make a lunch on thursday and spending the last bit of time with family on thursday seems acceptable. What was her reasoning about not having a yes or no for sunday?

[AJ27k]

yeah mixed. well she did try to make a lunch on thursday and spending the last bit of time with family on thursday seems acceptable. What was her reasoning about not having a yes or no for sunday?

 

She didn't really give any reason at all for why she didn't have a yes or no on sunday but I also didn't even ask.

 

Interesting enough she texted me 30 minutes ago saying "Hey I miss you, I really want to see you. Are you sure we can't meet up for coffee or lunch saturday at all?"

 

She didn't at all say anything about sunday. I should mention this type of behavior is similar to what happened towards the end of the first cold streak. She said she really missed me and offered to cancel her plans to meet up with me. That led to a good stretch where we saw each other daily.

 

Its just odd, and I suspect she knows I told her I was busy Fri and Sat in retaliation for her cancelling tomorrow. Honestly have never dealt with a situation like this.

[AJ27k]

Just a quick update. We made plans for lunch Saturday and we are going out Sunday. So it appears the cold streak is over unless she cancels out on either of these plans.

 

We had a late night text conversation last night where she basically said she has been sad all week because she had not been able to see me and that she really wanted to cancel plans one of the nights so we could have done something. She also said she is so much happier when I am around.

 

I wasn't so sure how to react but I basically said I enjoyed being with her and this week was difficult for me because I didn't see her. Maybe against my better judgement but I told her I felt like we really connected and she agreed.

 

Do you think its a good idea to address these cold streaks next time we hang out or just move on from it. I am a little concerned it may happen again, I know both of us at times have pretty busy schedules, so I can understand a stretch of days where we don't see each other. I am more concerned about the lack of communication during those stretches.

 

As I mentioned I really have fallen for it, after hanging out with her just twice, I had fallen in love.

[Versacehottie]

Just a quick update. We made plans for lunch Saturday and we are going out Sunday. So it appears the cold streak is over unless she cancels out on either of these plans.

 

We had a late night text conversation last night where she basically said she has been sad all week because she had not been able to see me and that she really wanted to cancel plans one of the nights so we could have done something. She also said she is so much happier when I am around.

 

I wasn't so sure how to react but I basically said I enjoyed being with her and this week was difficult for me because I didn't see her. Maybe against my better judgement but I told her I felt like we really connected and she agreed.

 

Do you think its a good idea to address these cold streaks next time we hang out or just move on from it. I am a little concerned it may happen again, I know both of us at times have pretty busy schedules, so I can understand a stretch of days where we don't see each other. I am more concerned about the lack of communication during those stretches.

 

As I mentioned I really have fallen for it, after hanging out with her just twice, I had fallen in love.

 

Ok, so far so good. I'm still wondering when she agreed to sunday did she ever give any explanation as to what plans she had had that now freed her up to do something with you? I just think it been interesting to know so you can try to determine if she is playing games or how important they were in the first place if plans really existed. If you're American and live in US, I do kind of get it because this is a huge holiday weekend for us.

 

I'm not quite sure how to handle if you should say something to her or not. I feel like I don't know enough to give you the "right" answer on that. Her "hot&coldness" is getting to me too!!!!! Here's my thought process:

 

*If you say something to her (it should just be brief and lighthearted that's my instinct), you run the risk of her feeling like she's even more in control of you. You'd be saying essentially that you want to keep more tabs on each other and she's already kind of proven she's going to do that in her own time. And that assurances from you actually make her run (currently). It's the risk of losing touch with you that makes her come around. Having only seen her twice, I probably wouldn't say anything, maybe one offhanded comment that shows her you've taken note, almost cocky. I can't give a good example at the moment but it's been done to me LOL.

 

*That said, they say that honesty can really be the best thing. I have had the experience too positively. But I would say the timing is really important. If you say something before the other person is ready to hear it, they often run or give up. I think you can do the same with actions, as you have done (both). But she sounds very different than most girls. She's almost like a guy. I feel like it couldn't hurt to keep her in this state of where she is wanting to see you and doesn't quite know what's going on. I think the more alpha guy thing to do is not have been insecure or need her reassurance after period of not seeing her due to her sister and rise above. Like no big thing. If you speak up, it speaks to your own neediness, need to rush the relationship and lack of trust in her.

 

She might say something like oh it's so nice to see you, it's been too long. To which you could reply, teasingly, well if you weren't so hard to schedule with. The key though is this has to be so perfectly teasing that it doesn't open a discussion. My wording isn't even the best but something like that. She doesn't seem like the type to not probe on that, and if that's going to happen, it won't have the effect I'm meaning.

 

I would just enjoy the day and see what the vibe is like. All the talk is heavy and to me, personally, it's too soon, especially for a free-spirit type. Idk, she is a tough one. My general opinion on this board is when someone is waffling with you, you deal with it with actions that mirror their level of effort, that will give you the answer you seek soon enough. Talks are usually for people who want to rush getting the answer they want and I think you will be able to find that out with her actions going forward. As long as she has not been disrespectful which does deserve a talk. good luck

 

BTW, you could take this to the dating board where you will get a lot more opinions. Big word of caution is if you haven't been on there a lot, you will see that certain posters have dating rules and kind of a negative outlook, so it won't necessarily make the answer more clear. Depends on who is posting. Even with good answers, the answers can be so varied, that it will be hard to know what to do.

Edited July 2, 2015 by Versacehottie

[AJ27k]

Ok, so far so good. I'm still wondering when she agreed to sunday did she ever give any explanation as to what plans she had had that now freed her up to do something with you? I just think it been interesting to know so you can try to determine if she is playing games or how important they were in the first place if plans really existed. If you're American and live in US, I do kind of get it because this is a huge holiday weekend for us.

 

I'm not quite sure how to handle if you should say something to her or not. I feel like I don't know enough to give you the "right" answer on that. Her "hot&coldness" is getting to me too!!!!! Here's my thought process:

 

*If you say something to her (it should just be brief and lighthearted that's my instinct), you run the risk of her feeling like she's even more in control of you. You'd be saying essentially that you want to keep more tabs on each other and she's already kind of proven she's going to do that in her own time. And that assurances from you actually make her run (currently). It's the risk of losing touch with you that makes her come around. Having only seen her twice, I probably wouldn't say anything, maybe one offhanded comment that shows her you've taken note, almost cocky. I can't give a good example at the moment but it's been done to me LOL.

 

*That said, they say that honesty can really be the best thing. I have had the experience too positively. But I would say the timing is really important. If you say something before the other person is ready to hear it, they often run or give up. I think you can do the same with actions, as you have done (both). But she sounds very different than most girls. She's almost like a guy. I feel like it couldn't hurt to keep her in this state of where she is wanting to see you and doesn't quite know what's going on. I think the more alpha guy thing to do is not have been insecure or need her reassurance after period of not seeing her due to her sister and rise above. Like no big thing. If you speak up, it speaks to your own neediness, need to rush the relationship and lack of trust in her.

 

She might say something like oh it's so nice to see you, it's been too long. To which you could reply, teasingly, well if you weren't so hard to schedule with. The key though is this has to be so perfectly teasing that it doesn't open a discussion. My wording isn't even the best but something like that. She doesn't seem like the type to not probe on that, and if that's going to happen, it won't have the effect I'm meaning.

 

I would just enjoy the day and see what the vibe is like. All the talk is heavy and to me, personally, it's too soon, especially for a free-spirit type. Idk, she is a tough one. My general opinion on this board is when someone is waffling with you, you deal with it with actions that mirror their level of effort, that will give you the answer you seek soon enough. Talks are usually for people who want to rush getting the answer they want and I think you will be able to find that out with her actions going forward. As long as she has not been disrespectful which does deserve a talk. good luck

 

BTW, you could take this to the dating board where you will get a lot more opinions. Big word of caution is if you haven't been on there a lot, you will see that certain posters have dating rules and kind of a negative outlook, so it won't necessarily make the answer more clear. Depends on who is posting. Even with good answers, the answers can be so varied, that it will be hard to know what to do.

 

Thanks again for your input on the situation, I can't thank you enough because your advice/feedback has REALLY helped me out with this whole situation!

 

I completely agree with the alpha male/insecure line of thought and for that reason I decided not to actually bring it up directly.

 

We actually ended up spending most of the day together yesterday and things went fine just as they had in the past. I did playfully bring up the fact I rescheduled plans with a friends this afternoon to hang with you because you are the hardest person I know to schedule with. She laughed it off and said she wishes she could have seen her "crush" earlier in the week. She also mentioned she had to put more time in at work with a project coming to an end and with her sister in town it was hectic because she rarely sees her.

 

I feel if this is true, its understandable. The first cold streak is the more bizarre one but I am going to just let that one go. I also feel maybe I need to let go of the "is she telling the truth" thinking and just give her the benefit of the doubt until she gives me reason not too like another cold streak etc.

 

Everything about yesterday leads me to believe she is super into me. It was probably the best time together we have spent since I met her. She also caught me off guard by giving me a starbucks gift card because she knows I go there every morning. Her exact words when she gave it to me were "I love my crush and my crush loves starbucks tea so here you go!" I am optimist at this point the waters have calmed, I guess time will only tell.

Edited July 5, 2015 by AJ27k