Feeling unwelcome in my own home

[sosadaboutus]

Husband works from home every day. We are both in school to complete our Bachelor’s degrees. He typically takes 1 class per quarter, and I usually take 2. I go into the office, but I do have the option to work from home, if I want.

 

Here is the issue. I took a week off, last week, to complete my final papers for class, so I was home all that week. This week, I worked from home on Tuesday and Thursday, because I’ve been fighting a migraine all week and couldn’t deal with being in the bright office those days.

 

My husband is easily distracted and he gets annoyed at the slightest thing, such as me walking down the hall to the bedroom to get something, or deal with laundry. The dog will often follow, which really annoys him as well. I’ve been getting glares from him, every time I move around the condo basically whenever I work from home, but it was especially bad last week and this week. He started closing the office door, which I understand, since he is easily distracted. Apparently, that’s not enough for him.

Last night, he asks me if I’m working from home the next day. I said I wasn’t sure, it depended on how I felt in the morning. I could tell he wasn’t happy with that response, so I said, “You don’t like it when I work from home, do you?” He said “No.”

This makes me feel incredibly unwelcome in my own home. Further, he stated that he is really stressed out right now and didn’t expect me to be around so much over the past two weeks. He also asked if I could tell him ahead of time if I plan to work from home. I usually do tell him, if I know in advance. Many times, when I decide to work from home it is in the morning because I don’t feel well. I suffer from migraines and fatigue issues, so I might plan on going into the office, unless I wake up feeling crappy.

 

This was not a good answer and he sarcastically threw it back at me, “You’ll tell me IF you know?” Apparently, that was not good enough for him. Then, he says that we’ve had this conversation before, and that I should know that the dog following me through the condo annoys him and that he can’t concentrate.

He gets up at 5 am to go workout, and I get up at 6:45 and take care of the dog. That’s when I usually know if I’m up to dragging myself to the office. If I decide to work from home, I’ll text H to let him know and go back to sleep for a bit.

I’m beyond angry. Why should I have to make a reservation in advance to be in my own home? I feel like I have no sanctuary of my own. He exclusively uses the office, there’s no room for me in there, so I work in the bedroom or the living room. That’s fine with me, I don’t need to close a door to concentrate and I accept that it’s more difficult for him than it is for me, but I feel that this need to know in advance (like the day before) is ridiculous. Thoughts?

[Mr. Lucky]

I’m beyond angry. Why should I have to make a reservation in advance to be in my own home? I feel like I have no sanctuary of my own. He exclusively uses the office, there’s no room for me in there, so I work in the bedroom or the living room. That’s fine with me, I don’t need to close a door to concentrate and I accept that it’s more difficult for him than it is for me, but I feel that this need to know in advance (like the day before) is ridiculous. Thoughts?

 

This whole argument is about something else other than the noise you and your dog make.

 

What else is going on in your marriage ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[StalwartMind]

This scenario is not unfamiliar and it may be difficult to understand for some, but I do very much understand how you would feel as well as how frustrating it is for him.

 

I'm not going to defend him, but I will try to explain as to why it "can" occur like this, without it actually has to mean anything. No matter what it is a big deal to feel unwelcome in your own home, especially when you don't intentionally wish to annoy him.

 

Some people like you say with your husband, get very easily distracted, in fact, the tiniest sound can make them completely lose it or feel unable to even continue with their work. This may seem borderline crazy or hysterical to some, but the truth is that we all have very different sensitivity levels. Take children, some are great at doing homework with music blasting, others need complete silence. This is much similar to how some people operate the most efficiently as adults. I naturally can't say this, but while it may come of as extremely hostile, especially when it gets verbal with temper flying out of control, it can feel incredibly hurtful. Now in many cases, it may not be aimed directly at you, even if yes, he is speaking to you, but his mind might is much more focused on getting his work done, and in that sense it doesn't matter what disturbs him, not even if it is his loving wife.

 

This can be very hurtful and make you feel like unwelcome in your own home, I can't fault you for thinking that. In addition to all this, it may also seem extreme that he needs a notice in advance, but to him it is likely more about mental preparation. This may be foreign or strange to some people, but that is how some individuals deal the best with situations. What makes things more difficult is that, you may just some days feel really crap, and it is impossible to give a heads up about that, as it can pop out of nowhere. Migraines are nasty and too many people seem to suffer from them, my sympathies does go to you but your husband as well, it's just very unfortunate.

 

There may not be any easy way to fix this, because a lot of it is based on chance, you can't control everything, none of us can and even your husband knows this. Animals, those adorable cute creatures are in a world of their own, and they love their owners. Even so they can be a distraction unintentionally too. It would probably be difficult and very exhausting for you to take all of your husband's distraction requirements into consideration and do as he says, in fact that could be very draining. At best he has to compromise somewhat too, or perhaps even consider getting something that reduces noise levels. We are all quite different, and the best solution depends on a variety of things. You can more than likely come up with something that works the best for the both of you, but it does require you to communicate sensibly about the issues and preferably when both of you are calm. When someone is stressed they easily lash out or become intolerant of things rather quickly.

 

Hope you can ponder a bit about this, even if it feels and seems negative, it does not have to end up being that way permanently.

[Davey L]

I hate it if my wife is home when I'm working at home. She's forever distracting me, coming in the room and making noise when I'm on a teleconference, or saying things like "I don't mean to disturb you but when you get a minute could you...".

 

I'm not saying that is the case here, but maybe he really needs some peace and quiet to do his work.

[lollipopspot]

My husband is easily distracted and he gets annoyed at the slightest thing, such as me walking down the hall to the bedroom to get something, or deal with laundry. The dog will often follow, which really annoys him as well. I’ve been getting glares from him, every time I move around the condo basically whenever I work from home, but it was especially bad last week and this week. He started closing the office door, which I understand, since he is easily distracted. Apparently, that’s not enough for him.

 

He needs to get some noise canceling ear phones and deal with his distractedness himself and not put it on you. When you're not there, the dog roams around the apartment, and he has to deal with that. A car probably drives by the house occasionally. Maybe a kid yells or a baby cries.

 

You're not describing an unreasonable amount of noise. I don't have a lot of tolerance for people who are moody and make their housemates miserable with it. His distractedness is his own issue, and he'll have to deal with it for the rest of his life - better start now. Perhaps he was over catered to as a baby and child in terms of noise, so he expects it now.

 

Don't go in and disturb him or make excess noise, but you do get to live in your own house comfortably.

Edited June 26, 2015 by lollipopspot

[Lois_Griffin]

Then, he says that we’ve had this conversation before, and that I should know that the dog following me through the condo annoys him and that he can’t concentrate.

What the hell is wrong with this guy? Has he lost all ability to function outside the little bubble he lives in or something?

 

God forbid he loses his at-home job and has to start working in an OFFICE somewhere with other people around and phones ringing and copiers humming, etc. etc. My God - the horror! How could he possibly leave his protective little cocoon and deal with REAL life?

 

And if he's going to whine about the noise from you doing laundry, tell him to get off his lazy self-entitled ass and do it himself, then.

 

Why should I have to make a reservation in advance to be in my own home?

You shouldn't. You work, you pay half the mortgage. Mr. Self-Important seems to think that he's the only one who has a right to work at home.

 

I'd tell him he'd better find a way to start acting normal - whether it's ear plugs or sedation, doesn't matter. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life because he's not right in the head.

[Fleur de cactus]

At the beginning I thought that maybe he does not want you to be around because he is doing something he does not want you to see. Bu I think I may be wrong. When I work at home I want everyone to be quiet. Wether when I am working on college paper or studying . I let who ever is home to not disturb. However, unless it is unexpected presence like a visitor, family members presence do not disturb as long they don't interrupt me.

 

I think you H should understand that the home is not his territory. He should be used to your presence. Did you know this problem before you got married? Does he have any other mood or personality issue that causes him to make such request. Because to me it is not normal. I don;t wish you to lose you job but If something happens and you have to stay home before you find another job, what is he going to do?

 

He needs to learn how to regulate outside stimulus. Working from home is something he prefers because he does not stand working in an office with other people? Anyway you have to talk to him. Maybe he needs therapy on how to ignore noise. How is his social life in general?

[sosadaboutus]

This whole argument is about something else other than the noise you and your dog make.

 

What else is going on in your marriage ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

We're not without our problems, we have an issue with sex as well (he doesn't want it, and I do). That has gotten a little better, as he seems to have been trying to make it a priority. Could it be that he's resentful that he has to consider my needs in this area? And this is making him cranky towards my presence?

[sosadaboutus]

I hate it if my wife is home when I'm working at home. She's forever distracting me, coming in the room and making noise when I'm on a teleconference, or saying things like "I don't mean to disturb you but when you get a minute could you...".

 

I'm not saying that is the case here, but maybe he really needs some peace and quiet to do his work.

 

All I do is walk down the hall (and the dog follows). I don't talk to him at all, unless I'm planning to leave the house. We always tell each other where we're going, so this is an expected interruption. Also, I don't usually have to leave, so even that only happens occasionally when we're both working from home. Also, I'm working as well, so it's not like I'm just wanting company, I'm just taking a break from my own job. He is just so easily distracted, I guess.

[sosadaboutus]

What the hell is wrong with this guy? Has he lost all ability to function outside the little bubble he lives in or something?

 

God forbid he loses his at-home job and has to start working in an OFFICE somewhere with other people around and phones ringing and copiers humming, etc. etc. My God - the horror! How could he possibly leave his protective little cocoon and deal with REAL life?

 

And if he's going to whine about the noise from you doing laundry, tell him to get off his lazy self-entitled ass and do it himself, then.

 

 

You shouldn't. You work, you pay half the mortgage. Mr. Self-Important seems to think that he's the only one who has a right to work at home.

 

I'd tell him he'd better find a way to start acting normal - whether it's ear plugs or sedation, doesn't matter. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life because he's not right in the head.

 

Yeah, he had a tough time when he worked in the office, his office mates were pretty obnoxious from what he told me (reading emails aloud, pounding on the desk, body odor issues). My noise is just normal background stuff. He has since apologized for his behavior and says it won't bother him if I'm home when he is home and working. We'll see how long this lasts. He has a pattern of getting irritable, upsetting me, apologizing and then starting the cycle all over again in a few weeks. I feel he just needs to grow up and deal with the stresses that we all have, without biting your spouse's head off!

[sosadaboutus]

At the beginning I thought that maybe he does not want you to be around because he is doing something he does not want you to see. Bu I think I may be wrong. When I work at home I want everyone to be quiet. Wether when I am working on college paper or studying . I let who ever is home to not disturb. However, unless it is unexpected presence like a visitor, family members presence do not disturb as long they don't interrupt me.

 

I think you H should understand that the home is not his territory. He should be used to your presence. Did you know this problem before you got married? Does he have any other mood or personality issue that causes him to make such request. Because to me it is not normal. I don;t wish you to lose you job but If something happens and you have to stay home before you find another job, what is he going to do?

 

He needs to learn how to regulate outside stimulus. Working from home is something he prefers because he does not stand working in an office with other people? Anyway you have to talk to him. Maybe he needs therapy on how to ignore noise. How is his social life in general?

 

Yes, he prefers working at home because he doesn't have to deal with the office stuff with other people. His social life is great, because when he wants to be around people (when he's not studying or working) he's fun and engaging.

 

He is generally irritable, though when it comes to daily things. There is always something or someone that is frustrating him. It's tough for me when that someone is me. I agree, he needs to learn how to regulate outside stimulus because none of us have control over that. I'd love it if he went to therapy, but he won't do it. I got him to go once with me so we could talk about some communication issues, but he doesn't think he needs any more.

[Babs22]

We're not without our problems, we have an issue with sex as well (he doesn't want it, and I do). That has gotten a little better, as he seems to have been trying to make it a priority. Could it be that he's resentful that he has to consider my needs in this area? And this is making him cranky towards my presence?

 

Has he always not liked having sex? Even before the marriage? He just seems like a very difficult person to live with, kind of selfish. I hope you do not plan on having children because that would most likely send him over the edge. I'm sorry you are going through this and having these difficulties. Between him needing total silence and him not wanting sex, you might want to ask yourself if this is how you want to live the rest of your life.

[sosadaboutus]

Has he always not liked having sex? Even before the marriage? He just seems like a very difficult person to live with, kind of selfish. I hope you do not plan on having children because that would most likely send him over the edge. I'm sorry you are going through this and having these difficulties. Between him needing total silence and him not wanting sex, you might want to ask yourself if this is how you want to live the rest of your life.

 

No, it's something that just developed over the last couple of years. It's been discussed extensively on another thread, here. I let him know that I was not willing to live in a sexless marriage and he agreed to be more proactive on that front, which he has been since that last discussion.

 

No, we are not planning to have children, neither of us want them and are nearing the end of our child bearing years anyway. (I'm 42, he's 48)

 

Yes, I've definitely been asking myself that question. He is a very difficult person to live with at times. He's also fun, supportive and loving, when he's not in "grumpy old man" mode.

 

Yeah, I think he is just a more self-centered person than I'd like him to be. It's hard for me to relate, as I was the oldest and had to put aside my needs as a child, to help care for my much younger siblings. He is the baby of the family, and I sense he was doted on by Mom and older sister. Which, of course sets us up for the perfect dynamic that is playing out, now. Except that I'm no longer willing to put my needs aside.