Electrogrrl Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 I have been with my boyfriend for almost 9 months now, and we're going through a really stressful time. When we met and started dating I was given info about him from a mutual friend saying that he was "always trying to score" (I was new to the area and didn't know about anyone's reputations). My bf has tons of female friends, and is very well known for being flirty and charming and having girls fawn all over him (he made it a point to let me know that he had been a hot commodity in our scene here and that he has tons of options). He also says that he's polyamourous by philosophy, but only wants to be with me now and has even hinted at future stuff several times (even once telling a friend of his that we were going to try starting a family). But some of his behaviour is really bothering me and making me feel insecure about our relationship. When we first started dating he'd add tons of random, scantily clad young girls as friends on FB, just random girls he doesn't even know. When i confronted him about it, he said that he had done that to piss off the ex that came before me and make her jealous, but that he wasn't doing it anymore. However, I still see that he becomes friends with random, scantily clad girls - pretty regularly in fact. He also still has pictures of him and his ex up on FB, though absolutely none of us together. In our 4th month together I got pregnant by accident and miscarried. At that same time, he had to find another roommate for the 3rd room of his house. Though he had tons of options, he ended up choosing a 20 year old girl as a roommate. His new roommate walks around the house in tiny clothing, flirts like crazy with him to get discounts on bills and is not friendly toward me. I have caught him checking her out on more than one occasion, but he's always denied it, however today he admitted that he thinks she's physically attractive and that part of the reason he wanted her to live there was to piss me off cause he'd been mad at me at the time of choosing a roommate. He then told me that he had never wanted me to live with him (though he expressly bugged me weekly to get out of my apartment lease early and move in with him, and now I finally have and he tells me this). He tells me that I'm paranoid and crazy and insecure, and in some ways, I'll own up to that: I've been cheated on countless times and I have serious abandonment issues. I just can't help but feel that he tries to exacerbate the issue with his behaviours, and I feel really hurt that he would take advantage of my insecurities by inviting someone totally inappropriate to live with him-- I say inappropriate because she's 20 years old living with a house full of guys in their 30s, and it's disturbing to watch her try and manipulate them and them oggle her. So, I guess my question is this: how the hell do I get rid of my jealousy? How do I learn to see myself as enough and leave situations like this? And what would you guys/gals think if your partner acted this way? Thanks in advance for any replies/insight. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 You are not jealous or insecure. You're worried for good reason. He's gaslighting you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 9 months is nothing. walk if you need to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Naturebox Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 that to piss off the ex that came before me and make her jealous, but that he wasn't doing it anymore. today he admitted that he thinks she's physically attractive and that part of the reason he wanted her to live there was to piss me off This dude is insane and manipulative. Stay with him at your own risk. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Electrogrrl Posted June 26, 2015 Author Share Posted June 26, 2015 This is so weird. Now I have to confess something: When we first started dating, I always felt like things were a bit off. About two weeks into seeing him, he told me he loved me. He has issues with rage; this morning he even pushed me aside when we were arguing(the first time he's ever laid a hand on me) and I've sometimes thought that he's two faced because of how he talks about people (badly) and then how he acts towards them (like they're his best friends). I think I've been excusing all of this because there's this really nice side to him, but is this fake too? I had suspected narcissism (as in the personality disorder) before, and don't get me wrong, I am not a professional and I can't make a diagnosis, but I have dealt with my own mental health problems before through therapy and have been around my fair share of people with these issues that my alarm goes off a bit. I don't want to be right about this, but it's looking that way after considering other pov's.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 He's emotionally abusive, and it won't get any better. Look at these signs of emotional abuse, and be aware that any one of them is abuse. You've got a lot more than one. 30 signs of emotional abuse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 The moment he chose to have a 20 yr. old female as his room mate should of told you all you need to know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Oh good lord, you already were told of his hit it and quit it lifestyle, so what made you think he was going to be different with you??? He is what he is....never go by what they tell you, go by their actions because actions speak the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 He's a manipulative douche. Dump him & move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Electrogrrl Posted June 26, 2015 Author Share Posted June 26, 2015 Oh good lord, you already were told of his hit it and quit it lifestyle, so what made you think he was going to be different with you??? He is what he is....never go by what they tell you, go by their actions because actions speak the truth. Well, he hasn't exactly "hit it and quit it"; we've been together about 9 months. I chose not to take the word of our mutual friend, as he had different intentions with me other than friendship. I had to see for myself. I don't ever see myself as the exception instead of the rule. I know you can't change people, especially pathological ones...I think I just wanted other pov's to try and decipher what is going here - am I overreacting? Or is he really being manipulative? Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 He's childish and immature and the writing is on the wall, that he'll break your heart. I'm sure the Ex saw through him and left. He won't change and he thinks too much of himself. Find a more compatible caring BF. I wonder how he'd feel if you had a nice hot male room mate, who walked around with his speedos. I suspect he'd be jealous as hell. You can either get rid of him , because this relationship is going nowhere or give him a taste of his own medicine while you're there, but try and not be so invested in him , because he doesn't feel the same from his actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 So, I guess my question is this: how the hell do I get rid of my jealousy? Well that's easy. Get rid of your jackass abusive pervert boyfriend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 Or is he really being manipulative? don't understand why you need so much convincing.....his friend was telling you the truth, and everyone else here sees it. YES! he is a narcissistic/manipulative jerk. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 Gaslighting as a Manipulation Tactic: What It Is, Who Does It, And Why Link to post Share on other sites
pewpew Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 Why would he want to make an ex jealous? if he's done with her why would he care what she thinks and if it's facebook that means he still has the ex he supposedly wants to make jealous still on there as a friend? that sounds a bit weird to me. To be honest he sounds like he thinks he's too good for you by saying stuff like I have lots of options that's like saying I can move on when ever I want. I don't know the guy so I can't judge him but based on what you said he sounds like he has a pretty high opinion of himself and the warning signs - adding random girls on fb, the room mate, no pictures of you on fb, trying to make the ex jealous are all red flags imo. Link to post Share on other sites
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