I said the worst thing to my ex and I feel inhuman

[falxmanolo]

Hello,

My ex and I had a very messy breakup and then a very messy second chance situation. During the very last conversation, my ex said something about my upbringing and my father which upset me and I started crying (which is not like me, I don't cry all that much) and my ex started laughing because he thought it was funny that I was crying. This hurt and embarrassed me all the more and cried more (I was very emotional, I know). But also my ex laughing actively when I was crying made me so angry that I told him, "hey people who laugh when someone's crying should just kill themselves" and he stopped laughing immediately.

Fast forward 6 months, he's blocked out of my life, we don't communicate because I feel he brings out the worst in me and I bring out the worst in him. I know this isn't a confession site to off-load the horrible thing I've said but does anybody have any suggestions on what I can do now? I've apologised to him and I know a verbal apology doesn't mean all that much...but what can I do now? I'm trying to be a better version of me and I wouldn't ever hurt him despite how much he has hurt me because I don't believe in an eye for an eye kind of thing. I would be grateful to have some thoughts, thank you!

[Poppyolive]

Do nothing. You've already apologised. You both said & dine things in the heat of the moment. Just move on as best you can. Leave him to move on too.

[Satu]

You don't have to do anything other than forgive yourself.

 

If you want, you could do an act of charity or kindness, to 'pay off your debt.'

 

But you're not a bad person. If you were, this wouldn't bother you.

[HowMightI-live]

Did he apologize for insulting your family and then laughing about it when you started crying?

[elaine567]

Did he apologize for insulting your family and then laughing about it when you started crying?

 

Good point.

A person who laughs when another is crying is a person to steer clear of.

Just be grateful he is gone from your life.

[angel.eyes]

Recognize when someone brings out the worst in you, and cut ties much sooner. Then things won't devolve to the point where you're actively competing to see who can hurt the other the most.

 

The real mistake here was going back for a second chance...to shoot each other down again.

[angel.eyes]

Good point.

A person who laughs when another is crying is a person to steer clear of.

Just be grateful he is gone from your life.

 

At the end of the day, we only control ourselves and our own behavior. When kids use the "but he started it first" excuse, we still correct them and teach them how to behave properly.

 

Both the OP and her ex behaved abominably. At the end of the day, though, the OP has to live with her choices and what she did. The way to prevent this from happening is to make better choices. Failing that, walk away when things start to escalate down an unproductive route.

 

As soon as they started this destructive interaction, it was clear there were going to be no winners and no relationship. So what was the point? To see who could be the biggest monster??? Don't engage. Just walk away...which her ex eventually did...but only after it was too late.

[jen1447]

Hello,

My ex and I had a very messy breakup and then a very messy second chance situation. During the very last conversation, my ex said something about my upbringing and my father which upset me and I started crying (which is not like me, I don't cry all that much) and my ex started laughing because he thought it was funny that I was crying. This hurt and embarrassed me all the more and cried more (I was very emotional, I know). But also my ex laughing actively when I was crying made me so angry that I told him, "hey people who laugh when someone's crying should just kill themselves" and he stopped laughing immediately.

Fast forward 6 months, he's blocked out of my life, we don't communicate because I feel he brings out the worst in me and I bring out the worst in him. I know this isn't a confession site to off-load the horrible thing I've said but does anybody have any suggestions on what I can do now? I've apologised to him and I know a verbal apology doesn't mean all that much...but what can I do now? I'm trying to be a better version of me and I wouldn't ever hurt him despite how much he has hurt me because I don't believe in an eye for an eye kind of thing. I would be grateful to have some thoughts, thank you!

 

It doesn't seem like you're looking at this as a competition, which is good, but if want to put 'values' on the insults, I think his was clearly worse. Yours was a general insult and I assume you didn't actually want him to kill himself and that was implied, but his was a specific insult directed at a specific issue in your life with the deliberate attempt to injure and old wound. That's much more vicious imo.

 

Also he's probably using the silent treatment as a hammer bc he knows you feel guilty. Adults forgive each other if genuine apologies are made. He's being a little boy by the sound.

[HowMightI-live]

At the end of the day, we only control ourselves and our own behavior. When kids use the "but he started it first" excuse, we still correct them and teach them how to behave properly.

 

Both the OP and her ex behaved abominably. At the end of the day, though, the OP has to live with her choices and what she did. The way to prevent this from happening is to make better choices. Failing that, walk away when things start to escalate down an unproductive route.

 

As soon as they started this destructive interaction, it was clear there were going to be no winners and no relationship. So what was the point? To see who could be the biggest monster??? Don't engage. Just walk away...which her ex eventually did...but only after it was too late.

 

i think everyone here can agree with the notion of her taking the high road and not engaging. Hes not worth her time in my opinion. What i was simply doing was suggesting an idea of her looking at the sitution from a different perpective and light.Its not about who did what first, its about rational reasoning and relying the facts. Though i agree that her actions and inactions are her responsiblities alone, i also believe that aknowledging ones reality circumstances is also a responsiblity. Him insulting her and then laughing while she sobbed is reality. Him feeling no need to apologize for his actions (if he in fact did not) is also reality. So, she should act in response to reality. No apologize from the problem starter, no apologize from me. He is not the victim here he's just playing the victim. You were both wrong yes but his denial toward his own actions just demonstrates that he wants you and only you to take a ride on the guilt trip train. Dont let him. Too many times people just fall under this blaming the victim mentality; myself included and it almost feels like an automatic response to every sitution, every person, every moment.

Edited July 4, 2015 by HowMightI-live

[angel.eyes]

Alcoholics who have gone through the 12-step program often say that one of the most powerful and freeing steps in the process is making amends to those they have wronged. It's not about excusing away their behavior because of all the extenuating circumstances.

 

My advice has nothing to do with blaming the victim or excusing away what one did because the other person started first. All of that is largely irrelevant in the OP's internal struggle and journey. She behaved in a way that disappointed her deeply.

 

This is about examining one's own behavior, trying to make it right by apologizing because the person doing this is seeking to become the person that she knows she is capable of being. What the boyfriend did or hasn't done is largely irrelevant at this point in her journey to become a better person, behave in a way more reflective of her personal self-image, and find peace within herself.

Edited July 4, 2015 by angel.eyes

[HowMightI-live]

Alcoholics who have gone through the 12-step program often say that one of the most powerful and freeing steps in the process is making amends to those they have wronged. It's not about excusing away their behavior because of all the extenuating circumstances.

 

My advice has nothing to do with blaming the victim or excusing away what one did because the other person started first. All of that is largely irrelevant in the OP's internal struggle and journey. She behaved in a way that disappointed her deeply.

 

This is about examining one's own behavior, trying to make it right by apologizing because the person doing this is seeking to become the person that she knows she is capable of being. What the boyfriend did or hasn't done is largely irrelevant at this point in her journey to become a better person, behave in a way more reflective of her personal self-image, and find peace within herself.

 

 

Excellent point.

[camillalev]

How is the first response not "get rid of whoever laughs at you when you cry and don't look back"?!

 

The fact that he was laughing means he found the state you were in (upset and vulnerable) funny and amusing. This is sociopathic behavior. You are 100% better off without him.

 

I'm sure you feel bad about what haopened but you don't need a single ounce of sympathy for someone who takes pleasure in your pain.

 

Edit: you did the right thing for blocking him. Make amends within yourself and move on. Don't contact him. Just because you might have said a few hurtful thugs doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human.

Edited July 5, 2015 by camillalev