I feel my wife humiliated and embarrassed me, am I overacting?

[billbobb]

Last night I turned on our iPad and I see Facebook notices from an industry contact's wife saying "I checked with Bret and I'm sorry, they are not hiring right now", followed up with some tips on how to find more work for me.

 

My wife went behind my back and used one of my life long, more successful contacts, to look for work for me. I have and always have been employed, work has just slowdown a bit recently, and while we're not rolling in cash, all of our needs are still met and we continue to live comfortable. I feel humiliated by this. I can't imagine my contact's wife asking him for work for me, because my wife contacted him on Facebook. In an industry where image is a everything, it looks desperate, which we are not.

 

The worst part is, that this guy is kind of a judgmental jerk and when you speak privately with him, he doesn't hesitate to gossip and share dirt with everybody he knows. I went to school with this guy and we have all the same hometown contacts, I can just imagine what he could tell people about my wife contacting his wife for work for me. I feel humiliated.

 

My wife and I have been together for 19 years. For years, I supported her, as I was the main bread winner. Recently she has landed a great job, making more than me. I am very proud of her for doing so. I am a modern man and I have no problem with my wife making more money than me. But when I made more money than her for the first 16 years of our relationship, I never pressured her to find work or make more money, in fact I encouraged her to take time off when she wasn't happy. Now that the shoe is on the other foot, she's going behind my back to find more work for me. I feel like there is a total lack of respect and I feel betrayed. Although she says she respects me, her actions say otherwise.

 

I told my wife I saw the notices and how I felt. I told her that doesn't give her the right to use my contacts and go behind my back and when it comes to business, it's totally unprofessional to do what she did and humiliating.

 

She apologizes and swears she won't do anything like this again. However she has done things like this every few years, over stepping professional boundaries and getting involved in my business affiars, but this is by far the worst that she as done.

 

After 19 years together and a pretty healthy relationship, I feel like I am living with somebody who doesn't even respect me.

[Emilia]

Only you can tell whether she respects you but to me she just doesn't sound very bright.

[d0nnivain]

If you think she did this out of a loving motive, find a way to get past it. I do understand your frustration. I'd be furious if DH stepped into my professional arena uninvited.

[sandylee1]

I understand how you feel and I'd never do this without asking my H first, especially as it's someone you know.

 

I think the point to make to her, is she MUSTseek your permission first, that she's overstepped boundaries before and if she does it again , you won't even go for the interview , so she might as well not waste her time.

 

Hopefully, that will be the end of it forever.

 

When my H was out of work for a very short while , I asked him if he wanted me to ask a male friend of mine in the same industry if they had vacancies. I wouldn't ever do it without checking first.

[billbobb]

I think the point to make to her, is she MUSTseek your permission first, that she's overstepped boundaries before and if she does it again , you won't even go for the interview , so she might as well not waste her time.

 

I have told her that already in the past. In the past, when she has overstepped her bounds, but by far, this is the worst, I have become upset and told her to never, ever get involved with my business life. Then some time goes by and she does it again. I don't know what to do besides get angry and tell her how unhappy I am which doesn't affect her at all. When I tell her I'm upset, she says,"Well then you have two jobs, get upset and then get over it."

 

I don't know what to do, I feel like a total lack of respect, here.

[billbobb]

I have told my wife that already in the past. In the past, when she has overstepped her bounds, but by far, this is the worst, I have become upset and told her to never, ever get involved with my business life. Then some time goes by and she does it again. I don't know what to do besides get angry and tell her how unhappy I am which doesn't affect her at all. When I tell her I'm upset, she says,"Well then you have two jobs, get upset and then get over it."

 

I don't know what to do, I feel like a total lack of respect, here.

[wizer]

It appears that she doesn't think you're trying hard enough to get a job so she needs to step in and frankly I agree with her. If you haven't gone down your list of connections and contacted each of them and let them know of your availability, then you aren't doing enough.

[billbobb]

You obvious didn't read the post or choose to ignore some information. I have a great job, I'm just not making what I once did, it's slow done a bit and now she is making more than me. But we are financially comfortable.

 

It what industry do you think it's professional or okay for a spouse to reach out to a contacts spouse for work?

[Satu]

You obvious didn't read the post or choose to ignore some information. I have a great job, I'm just not making what I once did, it's slow done a bit and now she is making more than me. But we are financially comfortable.

 

It what industry do you think it's professional or okay for a spouse to reach out to a contacts spouse for work?

 

She overstepped a boundary, and I wouldn't be happy.

 

I'd clearly state the boundary again, and be open to forgiving her.

 

Lay down the law in very unambiguous terms.

[wizer]

You obvious didn't read the post or choose to ignore some information. I have a great job, I'm just not making what I once did, it's slow done a bit and now she is making more than me. But we are financially comfortable.

 

It what industry do you think it's professional or okay for a spouse to reach out to a contacts spouse for work?

 

Ok you have a job, sorry I missed that. Your wife understandably feels that you should be trying harder to find a job that reflects your former pay scale. I didn't say I approve of her actions - I don't- but I do understand her frustration.

[billbobb]

I agree, I've already explained to her repeatedly to never, ever get involved in my business life, but she does repeatedly. I've told her it upsets me deeply and it's unprofessional, yet she continues. I don't know what else to do...it seems minor to break up over something like this, yet at the same time, this behavior cannot continue.

[Satu]

I agree, I've already explained to her repeatedly to never, ever get involved in my business life, but she does repeatedly. I've told her it upsets me deeply and it's unprofessional, yet she continues. I don't know what else to do...it seems minor to break up over something like this, yet at the same time, this behavior cannot continue.

 

If thats the case, she's wilfully ignoring your wishes.

 

How strongly have you made your point?

[billbobb]

Very sternly, short of yelling and screaming and throwing things. I don't know what else to do.

[berniev]

I have told my wife that already in the past. In the past, when she has overstepped her bounds, but by far, this is the worst, I have become upset and told her to never, ever get involved with my business life. Then some time goes by and she does it again. I don't know what to do besides get angry and tell her how unhappy I am which doesn't affect her at all. When I tell her I'm upset, she says,"Well then you have two jobs, get upset and then get over it."

 

I don't know what to do, I feel like a total lack of respect, here.

 

This works for me so maybe you can see if it works for you. When one of us step out of boundary, the other party would implement some small punishment for the one at fault such as wash dishes for a week or give me $500 to spend on whatever I like. It works better if you two have separate finances.

 

I am sure you can think of some appropriate punishment but do not ask for sexual favors as sex should always be free.

[beach]

Did she even apologize?

 

It looks like she wants you to earn more than you currently do.or wants you to feel inadequate. That sucks.

 

Is she willing to go to counseling with you to work on healthy boundaries? If not, expect her to continue disrespecting you.

 

Is it possible she's comparing you to some other man's earnings?

[spanz1]

Recently she has landed a great job, making more than me. I am very proud of her for doing so. I am a modern man and I have no problem with my wife making more money than me. But when I made more money than her for the first 16 years of our relationship, I never pressured her to find work or make more money, in fact I encouraged her to take time off when she wasn't happy. Now that the shoe is on the other foot, she's going behind my back to find more work for me. I feel like there is a total lack of respect and I feel betrayed. Although she says she respects me, her actions say otherwise.

 

 

respect me.

 

 

 

we acknowledge that you may feel humiliated by this. Your business and professional life is yours, not hers to screw with.

 

 

Let me try to explain. She, probably feeling empowered by her new fancy job, and probably already being an assertive type, just went ahead and did this without asking. she probably meant well, thought you might be depressed about needing more work, and thought she was helping.

 

 

Unfortunately, that is the way she thinks. You can make a big deal about it, and try to impress her with how wrong she is. and she will apologize to you. but then, 3 months from now, expect her to do something new that shows a lack of respect for you.

 

 

I am not sure what the answer is....if you figure it out post the solution. but I do know that just telling her, over and over, that you did not like what she did will probably not fix the problem. If it really bugs you a lot, get a marriage counselor to discuss it with her. maybe have a written list of no-no's, and have her sign it promising to never do it again.

 

 

these little things really can undermine an otherwise good marriage. spouses should be much more attuned to not piss off their mates this way.

[billbobb]

Yes, besides these negative few actions, we have a great marriage. It's very frustrating because from 1996-2013 I made the money and supported her as she went from job to job, with long breaks inbetween. We never had an issue, then from mid 2013-2015 she started making more money and my job all of a sudden has become and issue.

 

I don't know what she says when I'm not there. Often when I am out with her circle of friends or family, it's a matter of time before they bring up me finding work, like she's talking about my employment behind my back.

 

It's pretty frustrating.

 

I'm guess I am going to suggest marriage counseling and see where we go from there.

[wizer]

You throw things when you get angry? That's not good. Perhaps you need some anger management counseling.

 

 

Oh wait never mind that's what I get for skimming posts.

[Morro72]

The "get over it" bit and discussing this sort of stuff with her friends, if that's in fact what's going on, are way out of bounds. Marriages can survive lots of things but this sort of fundamental lack of respect is not one of them.

 

I'm surprised that you say that otherwise you have a good marriage.

[rester]

The "get over it" bit and discussing this sort of stuff with her friends, if that's in fact what's going on, are way out of bounds. Marriages can survive lots of things but this sort of fundamental lack of respect is not one of them.

 

I'm surprised that you say that otherwise you have a good marriage.

 

This is what I was thinking. She shows no remorse or respect for your feelings whatsoever. I'd be very upset by the overstepping of professional boundaries, but I'd be even MORE upset by the "get over it" crap.

 

I would tell her you don't feel that she respects you, and then tell her why. Have a discussion with her about why she feels the need to get in your business, and why that makes you feel disrespected.

 

If you can't have a civil conversation about that, I'd suggest counseling.

 

I couldn't live with a woman like that, but since you've been married for so long, I think it's worth getting to the bottom of and trying to fix.

[bubbaganoosh]

What it sounds like to me is control issues. Now that she's in the drivers seat money wise, it's going to her head and she's using it as a put down to you.

 

Now she's done this a few times before and it's obvious that she doesn't here you real well so my advice to you is inform her in a way that it's loud and clear enough that it wont happen again. Then you let her know that for how long you supported her ass and never complained about her and she had better learn some better manners.

[oldshirt]

This is going to sound sexist.......ah heck, it probably is sexist but the world is what the world is. The truth is women want their men to make more money than them, to have a higher social status than them and provide more resources than them. In essence, they look towards men to provide them a better lifestyle than what they can provide for the themselves....otherwise why have a man around??

 

 

That is what is known as hypergamy and it's the basic hardwiring of women.

 

 

You could be making a million dollars a year but if she is making a million and one and you used to make a million and two, she will instinctively think that you should be pounding the pavement until you are back up to more than her again.

 

 

So in a sense, yes it is definitely about respect. Women respect men that are of higher status than themselves and do not respect men that are lower.

 

 

...it is what it is..

 

 

The bad news is women can't desire that which they do not respect. If she continues down this path, eventually it will carry over into the bedroom. it could be a matter of time before she is being plagued with headaches and other aches and pains and fatigue and whole other litany of excuses as to why she is not in the mood.

 

 

Was this bad behavior on her part? yes, but it may also be a sign of a bigger issue. She may have some respect/admiration issues with you and if so, that can lead to some very serious problems.

 

 

You may need to do some soul searching and assessment of your wife and marriage and take a critical look at the things that thinks are important and make sure that you are stepping up to the plate in those areas.

[BetrayedH]

My apologies if I repeat the thoughts of others as I've only read your original post.

 

I think it's perfectly fine to clarify with your wife how this is a professional embarassment and you want her to stop. And I'm glad she respected that request.

 

But I think your feelings of "betrayal" and disrespect may be a bit overblown. I see your wife's efforts as misguided (and damaging) but well-intentioned. And to me, intentions matter a lot.

 

I completely "get" your frustration and even anger over this. But don't make it into something it isn't. I know what betrayal is. Your wife trying to find you a better job isn't it.

 

The only qualifier on this is your mention that she's done things like this before. If she knew that you would totally be against this and decided to hide it and do it anyway, you may have a bigger issue on your hands.

[BetrayedH]

Ok, caught up on the thread. This is a repeat performance. And her flippant response to "get over it" certainly shows a lack of respect.

 

Time to confront this in marriage counseling. Make an appointment for you both when you know that she can attend. If she gets upset, let her know she has two jobs now: to be upset and to get over it. And her choice is to attend the appointment or you'll make a separate one for a family law attorney.

 

You may start seeing some respect from her after all.

[hoping2heal]

How are you taking being unemployed? Is it possible you are miserable and she knows it, and she was just trying help? Albeit, not the greatest way...