Wife and I have relationship with other woman - it ends. Complicated! Help!

[Dark74]

Let me start off by saying I know I'm an a-hole, horrible horrible person. Although I'm still asking and needing help. I'm only looking for help and advice, not looking for harassment over my story. With that being said I will start now.

 

I am married, have been for years now and have an amazing little boy. Almost 4 years ago my wife and I started having a relationship with a friend of mine. Her and I hit it off quickly and feel in love within months. After almost a year my wife decided to call things off. It was hard on us giving my feelings for her. But we stayed friends and secretly stayed together for the last three years. I never knew my marriage would last go on that my wife is never happy and doesn't really want to be with me. But we have stayed together for our son. I recently called things off with my lover thinking it would be best for myself and my family. She begged and begged for me to give her just a fraction of my love and I turned her down. I turned her down. I've cried over it for weeks. She recently got a new boyfriend. It broke me. I wanted her back. I never should have pushed her away. I broke down messaging her like a child begging for her to come back. Telling her I would leave and be with her. She told me no, saying he deserved a shot. We talked more with me still begging. She said she loves me. That I am still her always. That I am still her true love. And that she still has hope that we will be together in the future. She promised me she would still wear the ring I got her as a token of my love and promise we will be together. I recently just celebrated 10 years with my wife and was misserable the whole time because all I can do is think of her. Everything I have read says do not talk to her for 30 days then make contact. I feel if I wait 30 days I will lose her for good. I can't eat and everything makes me cry. Her posts on Facebook breaks my heart, her pins make me cry. I'm dying on the inside. It has been a little over a week and she messages me and tries to be my friend. I have ignored the majority of her messages trying to stick to the 30 days. But I want to write her a letter. I would like some help and info on what to say to win her back. I still feel bad about wanting to leave my son. I still wish I could make it work with my wife but I'm not happy. I would love some help writing the letter. What to say that would win her back. I know leaving my wife is step one but I don't want to leave my son until I know I'll have her. If you have any questions please let me know, but I think I have explained myself well.

 

Thank you for your time.

[Satu]

You should move out and spend some time on your own.

 

No wife, no lover.

 

Just you sorting yourself out.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Let me start off by saying I know I'm an a-hole, horrible horrible person. Although I'm still asking and needing help. I'm only looking for help and advice, not looking for harassment over my story. With that being said I will start now.

 

I am married, have been for years now and have an amazing little boy. Almost 4 years ago my wife and I started having a relationship with a friend of mine. Her and I hit it off quickly and feel in love within months. After almost a year my wife decided to call things off. It was hard on us giving my feelings for her. But we stayed friends and secretly stayed together for the last three years. I never knew my marriage would last go on that my wife is never happy and doesn't really want to be with me. But we have stayed together for our son. I recently called things off with my lover thinking it would be best for myself and my family. She begged and begged for me to give her just a fraction of my love and I turned her down. I turned her down. I've cried over it for weeks. She recently got a new boyfriend. It broke me. I wanted her back. I never should have pushed her away. I broke down messaging her like a child begging for her to come back. Telling her I would leave and be with her. She told me no, saying he deserved a shot. We talked more with me still begging. She said she loves me. That I am still her always. That I am still her true love. And that she still has hope that we will be together in the future. She promised me she would still wear the ring I got her as a token of my love and promise we will be together. I recently just celebrated 10 years with my wife and was misserable the whole time because all I can do is think of her. Everything I have read says do not talk to her for 30 days then make contact. I feel if I wait 30 days I will lose her for good. I can't eat and everything makes me cry. Her posts on Facebook breaks my heart, her pins make me cry. I'm dying on the inside. It has been a little over a week and she messages me and tries to be my friend. I have ignored the majority of her messages trying to stick to the 30 days. But I want to write her a letter. I would like some help and info on what to say to win her back. I still feel bad about wanting to leave my son. I still wish I could make it work with my wife but I'm not happy. I would love some help writing the letter. What to say that would win her back. I know leaving my wife is step one but I don't want to leave my son until I know I'll have her. If you have any questions please let me know, but I think I have explained myself well.

 

Thank you for your time.

 

Everyone deserves to be happy, most deserving of that is your son,

before you decide on what to do, I hope his feelings come number one.

My advice would be to man up and live up to the vows that you have made,

But your child comes first before any love affair can take place.

[casey.lives]

there's a lot of hope in your post, can't you be happy with things for now?

[Dark74]

Everyone deserves to be happy, most deserving of that is your son,

before you decide on what to do, I hope his feelings come number one.

My advice would be to man up and live up to the vows that you have made,

But your child comes first before any love affair can take place.

 

My son does come first. He's the reason I have stayed. I fear the most that he will recent me like I do my own dad. But I'm not happy. My ex makes me happy. I will never stop being there for my child or being the dad he deserves. But at the same time I think my heart deserves to feel the love she gave me for years before I pushed her away.

[Dark74]

there's a lot of hope in your post, can't you be happy with things for now?

 

That's the point. I'm not happy how things are now.

[ravfour4]

Sounds like an overall screwed up situation. You're living with your wife and kid while crying over a new lover - if you don't love her just be a man and get a divorce rather than lie and make others miserable. Then focus on yourself and meet someone new.

[Friggia]

Ugh.... That does sound like a very unpleasant situation. You are keeping up appearances with your son and wife, but inside, you are feeling this terrible sense of turmoil, regret, and desperation.

 

I think that talking in person to someone else about your situation will do a lot to relieve the sense of desperation you feel from all the thoughts and worries swimming around in your head. Try to remember that your brain is in fight-or-flight mode - it's right now cooking up a million different awful scenarios as a twisted kind of natural defense mechanism. This mode was triggered by the sudden sense of scarcity (she has a new boyfriend), and because you can't have her right now, you want her more. Your feelings in this situation are normal, they are valid, and they just need to run their course.

 

Here is a small thought that will help take her off the pedestal where you have put her a little - More often than not in situations where people think that they really, really, really wanted something more than anything (to where they can't think of anything else).... once they actually get it, they tend to find that their expectations have far exceeded reality. That is, once they get what they want, over time, flaws that they had ignored start to show up, and in some cases they may regret ever wanting what they wanted before!! It happens all the time and I know all of us have examples of this!

 

So.... I think you should take time out of your marriage and go to a counselor for a while. Your circumstances will change and you will feel much better.

[Friggia]

I also want to point out that you don't appear at all to be a horrible person. You tried really hard to keep your family together because you are a noble person who will sacrifice for others, and that is rare. I think even your ex can see this! Try not to beat yourself up for trying to do right by others (even if you think you sacrificed your own happiness for this).

[No Limit]

So you think you cheating on his mother is the father your son deserves? What kind of rolemodel do you want to be since you aren't capable of making decisions, being honest, having integrity...? He can learn football in school.

[minimariah]

Almost 4 years ago my wife and I started having a relationship with a friend of mine. Her and I hit it off quickly and feel in love within months. After almost a year my wife decided to call things off.

 

what kind of relationship did you and your W have with this woman? you were having an affair, i understand that -- but what was the relationship between your W and the other woman like...? did you have some kind of threesome relationship going on? not sure if i'm understanding.

[elaine567]

YOU have to step back from all this hysteria over missing the OW.

 

Obviously you didn't make the decision to split lightly, you obviously thought it through and you obviously thought you were doing the right thing.

She will have spent the last three years in a sort of controlled hell, Loving you, missing you, getting jealous over your wife and frustrated with you.

YOU eventually made up your mind and you didn't choose her, that is important. Given the choice between your family and her you chose your family.

 

Now you are all hung up because she is gone and has moved on to another boyfriend. The cake-eater in you will not like that, she was supposed to be heart broken and still available for you to pick up if you changed your mind. The fact that she isn't, is I guess, fueling your grief too.

 

You cannot turn the clock back. Things will never be the same, because she now knows that you didn't choose her.

YOU can now go on forever about how much you love her, but when it really mattered - she was not the one you chose - she was the one thrown out - she was second best.

She will not forget that and that is why when you wanted her back, she said no.

She now knows the score, messing with married men leads to heart ache.

 

Leave her well alone.

Sort out your marriage. If your wife is making you unhappy - leave - get a divorce.

If you want to stay then make an attempt to make it work, spend the time you spent on your OW, trying to resurrect your marriage.

I am sure your son has picked up on your depressed vibe, start thinking of him more, instead of wallowing in self pity.

[Methodical]

I'm going to break this down as I understand it. You have been married for 10 years. After 6 years of marriage, you and your wife entered into a relationship with one of your friends. That lasted 1 year and then your wife called things off for whatever reason. Let me stop here for a second. I have some questions for you and I'm going to make an assumption that you may need to clarify.

 

How long have you and your friend known each other?

 

What was the extent of your friendship prior to you and your wife getting involved in a relationship with her?

 

I'm assuming you mean sexual relationship since you qualify that you continued your friendship but secretly maintained the 'relationship' after your wife called it quits. Yes? Can you elaborate as to the extent of the relationship while your wife was involved? Threesomes? One on one with everyone's approval and acceptance?

 

What transpired in order for this relationship to develop? (For example: Were you and your wife having issues and thought this would add spice? Was this your wife's idea bc she wanted to explore sex with a woman? Was this your idea and your wife agreed bc she wanted you to be able to fulfill a fantasy?)

 

What happened for your wife to call it off after a year? Did she realize you had developed romantic feelings and that created a threat? Boredom?

 

Okay, you say your wife isn't happy and doesn't want to be with you, and that you have maintained the marriage bc of your son. Have you and your wife had a discussion whereby she has told you she doesn't want to be with you or are you reading this into the equation bc of your feelings for your (gf)? Have you and your wife discussed why she isn't happy? Why you aren't happy? Etc.

 

You called things off with your gf bc you thought it would be best for yourself and your family. Something must have sparked an interest in repairing your relationship with your wife, otherwise, you'd not have ended an ongoing affair of 3 years "for the sake of your family." What sparked the interest to repair your marriage?

 

After giving gf the boot and her begging for a morsel of attention, which you refused, she accepted and respected your wishes and moved on. It was only after she was no longer sitting around crying and pining over you, (don't think she wasn't devastated after you kicked her to the curb, she was) and found someone who wants to be with her, that you had this epiphany that you can't live without her.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, and I hope it's a wording error, but you say,

 

I still feel bad about wanting to leave my son.[/Quote]

 

And:

 

I know leaving my wife is step one but I don't want to leave my son until I know I'll have her.[/Quote]

 

So what you are saying is your gf is more important than your son and that is despicable. Marriage doesn't determine whether or not you can be an involved parent. Even if your marriage doesn't work out, your son should remain a priority in your life. (That's my only rant.)

 

Okay, more questions:

 

It has been a little over a week and she messages me and tries to be my friend.[/Quote]

 

Are you saying it has only been a little over a week since you called things off and she began dating another man?

 

Also, if you can't eat and everything makes you cry, isn't your wife getting suspicious and questioning why you are suddenly so devastated? Or, does she already know that this affair with the gf has been ongoing and that's why she's not happy and doesn't want to be with you? Really, the latter of those questions would explain a lot.

 

My questions are not for judgmental purposes. Really, they are points for you to ponder and answer for yourself. Hopefully the answers will bring some clarity to your situation.

Edited July 5, 2015 by Methodical

[wizer]

What's the 30 days no contact thing all about?

 

Did you read that this is some sort of strategy to "win the person back" by ignoring them for a predetermined amount of time"?

 

If so, know that playing these manipulative games is not only deceptive but also ineffective.

 

As others suggested, you need to make some major changes to turn this whole mess around. You're being unfair to your wife- you owe her honesty. I'd come clean and give her the option of divorcing you.

 

As far as the other woman goes, over time you'll get over her, you're just going to have to stick it out.

[darkmoon]

look after your family, not some woman who sneaked around with a married man, you, what was all that about?

 

the thrill of novelty, an irresponsible kind of love

 

your son needs a love that will nuture him into adulthood, try that