Venting and Sadness

[Crazy_Love]

For the past four years, MM and I spent every single day together, eight hours/day. No, we don't work together. It was rarely about sex, we were best friends, companions, confidants, everything. I love him more than life. About a month and a half ago, we had a mini d-day, his W (no kids) saw a compromising text but he was able to spin it because she knows me and knows that we were best friends. But ever since then he's drastically cut down our time together and it became very apparent that if forced to choose between her or me, he'd choose her.

 

So, today I ended it. I don't really care about losing sex...I lost my best friend, my everything. My heart literally feels like it has shattered into a million pieces and I can't stop crying. I really did love him but also realized the truth. I think he loved me, but not enough. I have never felt this kind of pain before. I will never allow myself to love again.

 

Not looking for anything, just need a soft place to land with people who understand.

[whichwayisup]

Don't say you'll never love again, you will some day when you're ready to.

 

You did the right thing by ending it. Sorry you're hurting, take care of you and be kind to yourself. Be around good friends who make you smile and laugh, to help support you through this painful time.

[Hopelessromantic25]

It's gonna be tough, it's gonna be one of the most painful things you may have to go through but you absolutely did the right thing. just let time take its course and take it one day at a time.

 

I was sort of going through something similar, I was the OM in a four year Affair. Mutually called it quits about a week ago, she wasn't married though but just recently got engaged. Life has a really strange way of reminding us how unfair we can be to ourselves. But hey we want what we want right? best of luck to you my dear.

[finally43]

I just went and re-read every thread you started/posted on.

 

You state in almost every post how you spend 8+ hours a day with him, text all the other time that you aren't with him, that you aren't co-workers, he is working on his phd (for the last 2 years), you work from home and you have 2 kids. How much time are you giving your kids since you are constantly with or texting the MM? How much of a mom are you really being to your kids - the kids that you use as an excuse to not divorce your H?

 

You have posted many times how the MM gives you crumbs, treats you disrespectfully, and that he loves his wife and has sex with her. You continue to state how you are the glue of their marriage. Yet, I don't see how you are even a little bit invested in your kids lives or that you even have your own life since you have dedicated the last 4 years to this MM. You know he isn't leaving his wife. You even know he cheats with others (men and women) and doesn't use protection (because 2 years ago you had contemplated telling his wife how her life is at risk, but you didn't go through with it).

 

Best friends don't treat each other the way you describe the MM treats you.

 

You are miserable in your marriage and have used the affair as an escape because your marriage is horrible. You refuse to divorce until your youngest is "18". You have shown your kids what "marriage" is and that is so unfair to them. They now have a screwed up view of marriage. They will repeat the cycle. Kids aren't stupid, they know there is more going on than 'friendship'.

 

You state you have been in counseling for years...I think you need to find a new counselor and be honest with them. No counselor will tell you what you are doing is good for YOU.

 

I have been there - in an affair. I know it can be soul sucking. You have made this guy your whole life and you have chosen to do this. You have allowed your H to treat you poorly - as a roomie. When are you going to live for you? We aren't guaranteed 80+ years of life. Your life could end tomorrow and whether you believe it or not, the MM and his wife's life will go on. When are you going to live your life for you? When are you going to teach your kids what real life is? Real relationships are? There is no reason whatsoever for you to stay married "for the kids". That is such antiquated thinking and quite frankly, an excuse to stay in the situation you are in.

 

Time to grow up - time to stand up for yourself. If you want a life with the MM, go tell his wife and your H and end this farce of a 'friendship'. Tell MM you are done being his marriage bandaid and he either has a relationship with you, and only you (meaning he gets divorced) or you really end it and move on with your life.

 

Grab your life. It is passing you by.

[Crazy_Love]

 

Time to grow up - time to stand up for yourself. If you want a life with the MM, go tell his wife and your H and end this farce of a 'friendship'. Tell MM you are done being his marriage bandaid and he either has a relationship with you, and only you (meaning he gets divorced) or you really end it and move on with your life.

 

Grab your life. It is passing you by.

 

You read every post but this one. Otherwise you would have read that I ended it. Not looking for advice either.

[Popsicle]

Why would you say you will never love again? You CAN love again. Just next time don't pick a married man.

[NoC]

I think you should fight for him OP. If you love him this much, go ahead and fight for him. Life is short, they don't have any kids and he most likely loves you more. Why I am saying this? Because if he truly loved his wife, he wouldn't have been involved with you period. Go for it, the damage is already done now, no need to be anymore moral than you've already been. This will be the icing on the cake. Good luck and I hope you both live happily in the long run, just bw ready for some short term turmoil.

[purplesorrow]

I think you should fight for him OP. If you love him this much, go ahead and fight for him. Life is short, they don't have any kids and he most likely loves you more. Why I am saying this? Because if he truly loved his wife, he wouldn't have been involved with you period. Go for it, the damage is already done now, no need to be anymore moral than you've already been. This will be the icing on the cake. Good luck and I hope you both live happily in the long run, just bw ready for some short term turmoil.

 

Exactly who would she be fighting to "win" him? He has free will and can go to her if he chooses. He isn't showing either woman true love.

[whichwayisup]

I think you should fight for him OP. If you love him this much, go ahead and fight for him. Life is short, they don't have any kids and he most likely loves you more. Why I am saying this? Because if he truly loved his wife, he wouldn't have been involved with you period. Go for it, the damage is already done now, no need to be anymore moral than you've already been. This will be the icing on the cake. Good luck and I hope you both live happily in the long run, just bw ready for some short term turmoil.

 

Maybe she should divorce her own husband first. She's married, albeit admitted in a previous thread that she was only staying with her H for the sake of her kids and keeping them under one roof and for marital benefits, she still isn't 'free' legally to go fight for MM. Plus, she and his wife are friends. What a disaster in the making and there are innocent people (the kids and both BS's here) who are going to be very hurt.

 

Go back and read her other threads. NO way should she be fighting for this guy.

[OldRover]

Exactly who would she be fighting to "win" him? He has free will and can go to her if he chooses. He isn't showing either woman true love.

 

Purple,

 

We really don't know what love he is showing his two women, and maybe he has not decided to make a choice, because he hasn't had to.

 

Yes, you can love two women. And we don't know where his wife stands.

 

However, would agree, there could be a TON of hurt if she goes for him as a permanent thing.... and probably worse if successful. Only she can decide if that's worth it, but not what she's asking at this time.

 

Let her grieve, get over the OM, and get her life back. Seems like that's her goal.

[purplesorrow]

Purple,

 

We really don't know what love he is showing his two women, and maybe he has not decided to make a choice, because he hasn't had to.

 

Yes, you can love two women. And we don't know where his wife stands.

 

However, would agree, there could be a TON of hurt if she goes for him as a permanent thing.... and probably worse if successful. Only she can decide if that's worth it, but not what she's asking at this time.

 

Let her grieve, get over the OM, and get her life back. Seems like that's her goal.

 

Do you see the quote I responded to? I didn't advise the op to do anything. Say what you want but his actions are not loving toward either woman.

[Crazy_Love]

Thanks all, for the input. To clarify, even though he has repeatedly stated that things at home are "barely tolerable", he recently has also repeatedly said that he "does not want to change (his) living situation." And has made it clear if given an ultimatum, he will choose her. I think the mini d-day shook him up. He's unemployed, looking for a job, but is an academic so won't make much even if he does. She makes good money and they have a certain lifestyle.

 

So I'm under no delusions any more about where I stand. I believe he loved me, just not enough to change his situation. That doesn't mean I'll ever stop loving him, and the pain today is no better than yesterday. And I can't grieve openly which makes it harder. I just want to be alone but kids are on summer break so that's not possible.

[OldRover]

Do you see the quote I responded to? I didn't advise the op to do anything. Say what you want but his actions are not loving toward either woman.

 

Not according to the OP info... and we have not heard from the MM....

 

But, what's the point?

 

Crazy_Love is hurting, and wants it over. Clearly there was some love and caring there or it wouldn't have lasted so long. She has lost her best friend and is in the grieving stage. I'd support her for that, and not worry about the MM... he has stated his position that he will stay with the wife. (thru her posts). That may or may not mean she was second, it could be the situation he's in, and part of the decision could be things other that love.

 

Crazy_Love:

You will heal, and you will love again. You will get over this in time. A lot of us have been there and can offer some suggestions and support.

[purplesorrow]

Not according to the OP info... and we have not heard from the MM....

 

But, what's the point?

 

Crazy_Love is hurting, and wants it over. Clearly there was some love and caring there or it wouldn't have lasted so long. She has lost her best friend and is in the grieving stage. I'd support her for that, and not worry about the MM... he has stated his position that he will stay with the wife. (thru her posts). That may or may not mean she was second, it could be the situation he's in, and part of the decision could be things other that love.

 

Crazy_Love:

You will heal, and you will love again. You will get over this in time. A lot of us have been there and can offer some suggestions and support.

 

Ummmm thank you for your undeniable wisdom? Peace.

[ladydesigner]

Thanks all, for the input. To clarify, even though he has repeatedly stated that things at home are "barely tolerable", he recently has also repeatedly said that he "does not want to change (his) living situation." And has made it clear if given an ultimatum, he will choose her. I think the mini d-day shook him up. He's unemployed, looking for a job, but is an academic so won't make much even if he does. She makes good money and they have a certain lifestyle.

 

So I'm under no delusions any more about where I stand. I believe he loved me, just not enough to change his situation. That doesn't mean I'll ever stop loving him, and the pain today is no better than yesterday. And I can't grieve openly which makes it harder. I just want to be alone but kids are on summer break so that's not possible.

 

(((Crazy_Love))) good on you for ending it. That is a step in a positive direction for you. Maybe you can focus on how to improve or possibly move on from your M.

 

just wanted to note the bold. If he's unemployed he is probably also not wanting to struggle on his own should his wife kick him out. He is coming off as an extremely selfish person, only worrying about his comfortability.

[kieraglass]

Crazy love, I'm in a similar situation. He's wealthy with a certain lifestyle who says the same things about his marriage being barely tolerable. He does, however, have kids. The youngest leaves for college in august.

 

I have very little now since my marriage ended. I feel that he stays for comfort, as you feel.

 

It's terrible, loving someone and feeling not enough for them to make the leap. I know exactly how low you feel. My self esteem is shattered from three years of this. I left pregnant with his baby, who died prematurely in august. He is still there.

 

Money and comfort are huge driving forces. Sex and love, when given freely, fill their holes and allow them to stay. My advice is to go, and see how he reacts. I am in the process of attempting that myself now. I imagine he will let me go.

 

Anyone who says love moves mountains and that a man who loves a woman will give it all up to be with her ( my mom, for instance), well, they haven't a clue about the way men think. I know I'm a bandaid. And that he will never sacrifice like I dud, for our love. Your man sounds very similar. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I truly am.

[Popsicle]

For the past four years, MM and I spent every single day together, eight hours/day. No, we don't work together. It was rarely about sex, we were best friends, companions, confidants, everything. I love him more than life. About a month and a half ago, we had a mini d-day, his W (no kids) saw a compromising text but he was able to spin it because she knows me and knows that we were best friends. But ever since then he's drastically cut down our time together and it became very apparent that if forced to choose between her or me, he'd choose her.

 

So, today I ended it. I don't really care about losing sex...I lost my best friend, my everything. My heart literally feels like it has shattered into a million pieces and I can't stop crying. I really did love him but also realized the truth. I think he loved me, but not enough. I have never felt this kind of pain before. I will never allow myself to love again.

 

Not looking for anything, just need a soft place to land with people who understand.

 

I'm sorry, that must be rough when they don't have the built in [fake] excuse of the kids. You did the right thing ending it.

[Crazy_Love]

I've been NC with mm for eight days now. We had been with each other every single day, practically all day for four years. He wasn't just an affair to me, but my best friend and my companion. I loved him with all my heart and thought he loved me but I ended it when I finally realized he'd never be with me.

 

I'm proud of myself for ignoring his texts, calls and emails. It has been hell and my heart is still breaking but for the most part I think I'm grieving the way I'm supposed to. But there's one thing that just infuriates me and I can't put it behind me. I don't know why. Shortly before we broke up he'd been saying how things were "barely tolerable" with his W, things at home were really bad but couldn't afford to leave as he had just graduated and was jobless. But I found a card (we had the bff kind of relationship where he went into my cupboards and drawers and I his) that he wrote to his W on their 10th dating anniversary, repeatedly saying how much he loved her, how the last ten years had been the "best of his life", how he had the best family with her (no kids, just pets).

 

I thought there were no lies between us, no secrets. We weren't just lovers but best friends. Turns out not to be true, and for whatever reason, I can't get over it. It's not jealousy. It's betrayal. I trusted someone I shouldn't have but I thought we were different. I know everyone says that but we were. Or so I thought.

[whichwayisup]

He was your everything but it seems like you weren't his. Because he is married and built a life with his wife. He made her his first priority by making her feel loved and secure..Even though at the same time he was having an A with you, he figured out a way to please you both (aka LIE and manipulate/pretend)!

 

Congrats on the 8 days of NC. Stay strong and just know as times goes on, you will feel better. Keep busy, be around friends who make you laugh and feel good about yourself. Most of all, be gentle to "you". Pamper yourself, get a massage, pedicure, manicure, new hair cut.

[casey.lives]

you don't need to get over it. it's part of your make up now.. reckless selfishness does have lasting effects. I suggest not caring .

[Crazy_Love]

Thank you for the encouragement. There is no way I'll break NC. While I'm horribly sad, I've also had a huge weight lifted from me and mostly feel at peace, except for the betrayal. I guess it'll take time.

 

I will never do this again. The only reason I even got involved with him was he told me they didn't have much of a relationship, certainly not a functioning one. Which was obviously a pack of lies because he was the "happiest he's ever been" with her. I don't begrudge them that. I just feel lied to, led on and used. What did I expect? How naive and foolish!! Never again.

[sandylee1]

Keep up with the NC.

He clearly only wanted you as an affair.

[Popsicle]

It doesn't matter. Even if he loved you a million times more than his wife, he still wouldn't have left. Some people just don't have the umph in them to leave like other people do. You can see this all around you, even from the strongest of people and even from your own female friends, so there is no need to get stuck pondering these thoughts. MM are often hopelessly confused and that's all there is to it.

 

I encourage you to stay NC and seek support here.

[Poppy47]

I love Popsicle's reply.

 

Men are unlikely to leave a marriage.... whether it's because of an affair or unhappiness. They are like jellyfish.... you know about creatures with no backbones?

 

It's usually women who have the fortitude and strength to get out of an unhappy situation and make a new beginning.

 

Please stay NC. It's hard but you will get used to it.

Poppy.

[m4p]

I'm proud of you too, for taking this step. Not to be a wet blanket but please be prepared for many instances where you might be weakened to break NC, either by him or by you. It won't be easy down the road, after all you were with this guy for the past 4 years. You can't undo the memories or block it out. Accept it as a good (and bad) time of your life and most importantly accept that you NEED TO MOVE ON.

 

Always remind yourself of this lightness you feel, this weight off your shoulders. No more negativity and betrayals and "wondering" about his marriage. No more cheating and skulking about.

 

I only understood this months after NC. It was hell as I was too emotionally attached to xMM. But now? I am learning that happiness can only come from yourself and the choices you make for yourself.

 

Hang in there and seek support here whenever you need. Take it as a lesson learnt and start your life afresh now. There can only be good to come out of the end of an A. You can do it!