RespectfullyAlone Posted June 27, 2015 Posted June 27, 2015 (edited) Life for me is pretty much devoid of joy. That's not to say I don't laugh watching a movie or when something funny happens, but I've not felt any real happiness since my ex left me. I've worked on myself, physically at the gym, lost 20kgs, got a better job, and working on owning my first property. But that hole in my heart has never closed since this person ripped it out some years ago. The pain is still there. The feelings of rejection and abandonment, of losing yet another chance to create a life together with someone special, after having gone through similar situations in the past. I blocked my ex from Facebook after she in the most cowardly way left me, whilst I was overseas with my Dad on a well-being and wilderness retreat. I wilted and in those horrible few months post breakup, did look at her FB page once or twice. Of course it killed me inside even more to see what I saw. Earlier this year I found myself somehow on her Instagram via someone else I was looking at. I had been so strong not to go onto these places, but that particular day, I kept looking. It was also the day I found out she was pregnant. So in the 2.5 years since breakup, I have done my utmost best to block her out of my life. NO CONTACT. No txts, emails, messages. I removed myself from ALL mutual friends completely and basically disappeared. I'm not proud of my 2-3 times of transgression I looked at her social media pages during these past 2.5 years, but in a way I'm thankful it wasn't anymore than that. Because it was filled to the brim with nauseating posts and pictures of how perfect and wonderful her life was, showing off to the world like a crazed narcissist every change of clothes and meal prepared. So imagine my surprise today, when going to a course, that I end up in her pressence. I'm walking behind this girl whose with her friend. I'm not even clued on in anyway it's my ex, until I'm right behind her and then hear her voice. I look closer for a moment and then BANG realize it's my pregnant ex standing in front of me. Talk about a OMGWTF moment. I don't even look at her. I did't even acknowledge the ****ty little pathetic "oh hey" she says to me whilst she kind of turns sideways and doesn't even look at me. I wasn't looking at her, but I could tell it was awkward. She didn't say it in any kind way. There was no care there whatsoever, let alone any "It's so nice to see you" type of vibe. Since the course has people sitting around a table, I sit one up and across from her since that's the only seat available other than the one right next to her. I'll be damned if I was going to choose the seat next to her. And thus for the next two hours, I did not look at her, not even out of the corner of my eye. Not when she spoke, or was her lighthearted joking self. And I refrained from talking for the duration of the course. As far as I was concerned, no matter how **** I felt or uncomfortable I felt inside, I tried my damned best not to show it, other than not looking at her of course. Since she was opposite and down one, but also behind since we were facing one end of the table, she would have had plenty of chances to look at me without me knowing. The course was a financial one on investing, working towards owning property etc. So it was nice to hear her perfect little life wasn't so perfect after all. To hear how much she was struggling financially and why she was at this course in the first place. Even using the term of feeling like she was a struggling single mother of 3. I'm sure it was the vengeful part of me, the vindictive side that I've developed these past couple of years that was pleased. I don't think I'll be going back to that course anytime soon or ever. It's only a once a month meeting anyway. It is an important course and one I want to complete, but I'd rather walk in front of a bus than be in the same room as her. Especially seeing and feeling her total lack of any care or affection or even acknowledgement of my existence. Just because two people are no longer together, if you truly loved that person, you'd still care for their well being. But it was only more proof she never loved me, even one bit. It would have been great, caring and kind even if she did genuinely say hello, or ask how I was. I might feel like a complete loser and garbage most of the time now, but it's still nice to know people care about you in some capacity. I still cannot comprehend how people can cut someone from their life so quickly, a life leading towards marriage, more children (she had 3 already from her previous marriage). And to do it so quickly. And then go about their lives as though you never even existed. Her fake insincere apologies a few weeks after leaving me were nothing but guilt relieving exercises for her. Her concern was her guilt. Not how I felt. It still hurts on days I find my thoughts going back there. And it hurt like hell today. To see she hadn't changed one bit. That you mattered less than the grass on the lawn. I'm not sure if not looking at her was the right choice to make, it felt like it was my ONLY choice. And the irony of the first 15-20mins of the course was talking about the laws of attraction when it come to wealth. And how if you wish for something it will come to you. And also about coincidences, and that there are none. Thought frequencies, likes attracts likes, the laws of attraction etc. All the types of things people actually talk about when it comes to love and relationships. I wasn't thinking about wealth when the instructor was talking about these things, rather the person sitting 4 feet away from. I think of her less than when I did 2.5 years ago. But she was such a great part of my life and heart, that she will never be gone completely. Mornings when I first wake up are still the worst. It doesn't help I haven't met anyone new since then. I so want to be with someone again, someone worthy. Thus the lack of that, means I have to live with my past, because there is no present, let alone any future. I feel terrible at the moment. I truly did not see this coming or expect I'd ever run into her again. Certainly not like this. Apologies for the long post. This is the only place I have to discuss and just get out what I'm feeling Edited June 27, 2015 by RespectfullyAlone
Purepony Posted June 27, 2015 Posted June 27, 2015 Well I will say you handled this like a man. You kept your cool and you didn't leave. Good for you, I know its hard to be in that position but its still hard to have to go through this. Keep moving forward and you will find someone when the time is right
15Love Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 What an overwhelming thing to go through! And to have to see her pregnant! I'm so sorry. You've cone to the right place. Don't apologize for long posts. Say whatever you need to. We're here for you.
erklat Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 Just because two people are no longer together, if you truly loved that person, you'd still care for their well being. This is not true. All connections, and care for their well being are tied to that particular moment on your timeline. Once you are no longer together, they are completely severed. You are no longer friends or acquintances, but failed romantic partners. They are not entitled to any kind of civility like the other "drawers" you put people in. So not caring for you does not mean she did not love you. THEN. She does not now. Also I don't wish my ex good nor do I care for her well being. It's not my obligation any longer. I don't wish her harm, but I wish her the opportunity to taste what she did to me. The rest of the post points that you have issues with self esteem and you are overly dependant on external validation - hers in particular. 3
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 My goodness. If this post demonstrates anything it declares, with a muted, discordant fanfare, that you apparently haven't moved on one iota from the moment she broke up with you. All of this- I blocked my ex from Facebook after she in the most cowardly way left me, whilst I was overseas with my Dad on a well-being and wilderness retreat. I wilted and in those horrible few months post breakup, did look at her FB page once or twice. Of course it killed me inside even more to see what I saw. Earlier this year I found myself somehow on her Instagram via someone else I was looking at. I had been so strong not to go onto these places, but that particular day, I kept looking. It was also the day I found out she was pregnant. So in the 2.5 years since breakup, I have done my utmost best to block her out of my life. NO CONTACT. No txts, emails, messages. I removed myself from ALL mutual friends completely and basically disappeared. I'm not proud of my 2-3 times of transgression I looked at her social media pages during these past 2.5 years, but in a way I'm thankful it wasn't anymore than that. Because it was filled to the brim with nauseating posts and pictures of how perfect and wonderful her life was, showing off to the world like a crazed narcissist every change of clothes and meal prepared. Is glaringly obvious that everything you did was a token gesture, but in fact was profoundly hollow and meaningless, because you still hankered after her, wanted her, and wanted to keep tabs on her. In short - No Contact was a total fallacy and farce. You didn't go No Contact at all.... You're not over her, because you haven't moved on. One bit. And I agree with erklat Your self-esteem is lower than rock-bottom. THAT'S a course you really DO need to attend.... 1
Author RespectfullyAlone Posted June 28, 2015 Author Posted June 28, 2015 My goodness. If this post demonstrates anything it declares, with a muted, discordant fanfare, that you apparently haven't moved on one iota from the moment she broke up with you. All of this- Is glaringly obvious that everything you did was a token gesture, but in fact was profoundly hollow and meaningless, because you still hankered after her, wanted her, and wanted to keep tabs on her. In short - No Contact was a total fallacy and farce. You didn't go No Contact at all.... You're not over her, because you haven't moved on. One bit. And I agree with erklat Your self-esteem is lower than rock-bottom. THAT'S a course you really DO need to attend.... Thanks for the beatdown. It's nice to know there are people out there who care.
changeofseasons Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 Bro, you care too much if people care. Stop looking to other people and start caring for you.
Author RespectfullyAlone Posted June 28, 2015 Author Posted June 28, 2015 My goodness. If this post demonstrates anything it declares, with a muted, discordant fanfare, that you apparently haven't moved on one iota from the moment she broke up with you. All of this- Is glaringly obvious that everything you did was a token gesture, but in fact was profoundly hollow and meaningless, because you still hankered after her, wanted her, and wanted to keep tabs on her. In short - No Contact was a total fallacy and farce. You didn't go No Contact at all.... You're not over her, because you haven't moved on. One bit. And I agree with erklat Your self-esteem is lower than rock-bottom. THAT'S a course you really DO need to attend.... No that's not correct. You only assume I wanted to keep tabs on her. I burnt my old life completely. Friends, job, EVERYTHING. I banned my family from telling me about her since they would see her weekly at Church. I removed myself from ALL my mutual friends. It had to be done. Only twice did I intentionally go onto her FB page and that was within the first 6months of the breakup where things were still very much raw. The instagram thing was a mistake. I didn't even know she had one as I was on someone else's page, and then clicked a picture that showed the ex with this person. As I mentioned I should have had the strength to immediately close the browser window because I had been going great right up until that point, but I failed on this occasion which was nearly 6 months ago now. I have been fanatical in NC, even avoiding parts of town we used to goto, restaurants, many places are no go zones for me. So don't tell me it's a farce. 3x failings in 2.5years isn't a falacy, it's the honest reality. It could have been alot more than that, but I honestly did my best to erase this person completely. If I wanted to know about her, I had plenty of avenues where I could easily ask, my parents being the easiest since they run into her weekly. I'm well aware of having low self esteem. Hence why I embarked on trying to improve myself, both physically with losing 20kgs and getting a better earning job and so forth. Don't kick someone when they're down, and hide behind a shield of saying it's only "tough love". At least I'm still breathing. There were days where I just wanted to goto sleep and not wake up ever. Part of why I posted was because I wasn't sure if how I handled running into her was a good sign of progress or not. Rather than comment on that, you chose to focus on my low self esteem. changeofseasons, maybe that is true. But advice can be offered in a kind way, or by insulting someone. I don't need to be liked or loved, but I certainly don't want to be mocked or insulted. I have genuinely put in the effort of trying to self improve, and at the same time erase this person from my thoughts. No matter if I still had feelings for her or not, my life doesn't include her anymore. My heart didn't flutter in anyway when I ran into her yesterday. I was more pissed off than anything else. 2
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 No that's not correct. You only assume I wanted to keep tabs on her. I burnt my old life completely. Friends, job, EVERYTHING. I banned my family from telling me about her since they would see her weekly at Church. I removed myself from ALL my mutual friends. It had to be done. Only twice did I intentionally go onto her FB page and that was within the first 6months of the breakup where things were still very much raw. The instagram thing was a mistake. I didn't even know she had one as I was on someone else's page, and then clicked a picture that showed the ex with this person. As I mentioned I should have had the strength to immediately close the browser window because I had been going great right up until that point, but I failed on this occasion which was nearly 6 months ago now. I have been fanatical in NC, even avoiding parts of town we used to goto, restaurants, many places are no go zones for me. So don't tell me it's a farce. 3x failings in 2.5years isn't a falacy, it's the honest reality. It could have been alot more than that, but I honestly did my best to erase this person completely. If I wanted to know about her, I had plenty of avenues where I could easily ask, my parents being the easiest since they run into her weekly. I'm well aware of having low self esteem. Hence why I embarked on trying to improve myself, both physically with losing 20kgs and getting a better earning job and so forth. Don't kick someone when they're down, and hide behind a shield of saying it's only "tough love". At least I'm still breathing. There were days where I just wanted to goto sleep and not wake up ever. Part of why I posted was because I wasn't sure if how I handled running into her was a good sign of progress or not. Rather than comment on that, you chose to focus on my low self esteem. changeofseasons, maybe that is true. But advice can be offered in a kind way, or by insulting someone. I don't need to be liked or loved, but I certainly don't want to be mocked or insulted. I have genuinely put in the effort of trying to self improve, and at the same time erase this person from my thoughts. No matter if I still had feelings for her or not, my life doesn't include her anymore. My heart didn't flutter in anyway when I ran into her yesterday. I was more pissed off than anything else. That's not how your post came across. You see, the whole point of No Contact is for you to reach a point of Benign Indifference. "Oh look, my ex. And she's pregnant. I hope she is happy." Done. Studiously avoiding her, not looking or responding, and finding joy in her misfortune is a very simple indicator that you are still not done with this. You still harbour anger, animosity, resentment and disdain. No Contact with your ex dates from the last time you saw, heard or witnessed anything about them. So NC for you, has only been going for 6 months, not since the day you determined to implement it. And 6 months is no time at all to get over her. Hence your reactions during this course. You should by now have hit a stage where a chance encounter would evince a civil yet detached response. If you are still within the framework you evidently are, then you yourself are inhibiting your own progress and detachment. 1
candie13 Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 there is no magic receipt that allows you to just be in a much better place. the hard truth is that you are allowing another person to make you feel bad about yourself - and that wouldn't be possible if your self esteem were not that weak. She left you. If she left you, it's because her needs were not met by you. She also apologized. Chances are people will never tell us exactly what we want to hear. Especially if it's not apologies that we want to hear. Now... you two ended it a long time ago. I totally understand your anger and resentment towards her, because she did hurt you badly. But... you should have dated in the mean time. Seen other people. Fallen inlove again. Suffered again because of someone else. Actually, as crazy as it sounds, that's when you know that you're over your ex, when the current person you're seeing is giving you a hard time. It appears as if you have put your life on hold, ever since she walked away. That is really bad. Really really bad. As TM2 was trying to suggest, you've never actually accepted the break up. She must have struck a really deep chord linked to abandonment and low self esteem. It's not her. It's much deeper than that. Trust me. You should talk to some people about this and date. Absolutely see other people. You cannot get over someone if you cannot forgive and forget them. They are gone. She moved on with her life. So should you ! 1
SycamoreCircle Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 I commend you on the discipline you've shown towards weeding her out of your life. Checking her social media a couple of times? That's nothing. You're being too hard on yourself. And I think that's your problem. Stop being so hard on yourself. When you do, I think you'll stop being so hard on her. It sounds like she's made some mistakes over the course of her life. We all have. She did you an injustice. Let it go. When you stop being so hard on her, that grapple you have on her will loosen and she will slip out of your hands. Life goes on. Some things work out, some things don't. Let go of hate. Let go of attachment. Realize that everything around you is constantly changing. Be like water. Let change run through you. 2
15Love Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 There are people who care about what you're going through. Don't focus too much on the negative responses. You did the best you could. Your timeline is no one else's. If it takes you 2.5 years to be at this point then that's your story. Don't apologize for that. Now you've been through that you'll be stronger. Now keep moving forward into the light we all have issues with self esteem and perhaps abandonment...I'm assuming people who don't do not frequent this site. So no judgement. Take care and be proud of yourself. 1
Itspointless Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 Sometimes things in our past add up. I just read another post of you written two years ago were you wrote: 'I've been through some horrid heartbreaks in the past. Even losing my 5 months old baby girl. Yet this feels on a whole different leveling of suffering. As though my entire body knew this girl was the one I had met after going through so much in the past. And feeling it was worth it, she was worth the wait, the pain, the anguish.' There is only so much we can take. This woman has learnt you that. It takes time to entirely build yourself up again. A bad break-up is one thing, sometimes a circumstance really breaks our identity down. I have the feeling that happened with you. Do not stop working an your self. Being able to really care about someone is a great quality, unfortunately people can be very selfish. As a side-note, I care for everyone I have ever loved. 2
No Limit Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 Sorry but I think your problem is that you've been involved with a trash woman who in turn pulled you down with her. It had a reason why she was a single mother of several kids when you met her - and these days single mothers are often far from the 'betrayed and left' cliche which used to surround them. Just look how fast she got pregnant by a man who can't even support her and the kids - it's actually quite good you were able to keep your cool, because this relationship with her ex-lover is already crumbling. Once she falls into the old pattern of finding a new guy to feed her and her brood she'll first check on all her exes - and you better not fall prey to her again. 1
Yasuandio Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 Sometimes things in our past add up. I just read another post of you written two years ago were you wrote: 'I've been through some horrid heartbreaks in the past. Even losing my 5 months old baby girl. Yet this feels on a whole different leveling of suffering. As though my entire body knew this girl was the one I had met after going through so much in the past. And feeling it was worth it, she was worth the wait, the pain, the anguish.' There is only so much we can take. This woman has learnt you that. It takes time to entirely build yourself up again. A bad break-up is one thing, sometimes a circumstance really breaks our identity down. I have the feeling that happened with you. Do not stop working an your self. Being able to really care about someone is a great quality, unfortunately people can be very selfish. As a side-note, I care for everyone I have ever loved. This is productive viewpoint for you. Now, you have faced the REALITY, head on. It cannot get any worse than seeing this girl with a baby in her belly acting like she doesn't know you. The NC will likely be a much better success from here on out. The "hope" is gone. And, you stomach is probably turned as well. Try to find the good in this bad situation. I can easily see 2 very good reasons to stay away from this girl FOREVER, right off the bat. Soon, you will recognize these signs yourself through TOTAL and COMPLETE NC. It works. Sometimes - it does take awhile - a long while. But things work out as they should. Cheer up. You did great! Bravo! I would have never been able to sit through that class (I would have shifted it into reverse ASAP - and I have been separated and divorced since 2008). You have evolved more than you think - you just need a little more time. Yas 1
15Love Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 Cheer up. You did great! Bravo! I would have never been able to sit through that class (I would have shifted it into reverse ASAP - and I have been separated and divorced since 2008). You have evolved more than you think - you just need a little more time. Lol! Me too!
JDPT Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 This is not true. All connections, and care for their well being are tied to that particular moment on your timeline. Once you are no longer together, they are completely severed. You are no longer friends or acquintances, but failed romantic partners. They are not entitled to any kind of civility like the other "drawers" you put people in. So not caring for you does not mean she did not love you. THEN. She does not now. Also I don't wish my ex good nor do I care for her well being. It's not my obligation any longer. I don't wish her harm, but I wish her the opportunity to taste what she did to me. The rest of the post points that you have issues with self esteem and you are overly dependant on external validation - hers in particular. I couldn't have said it any better.
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