Vicky876 Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 Hi there, I'm in quite a dilemma at this point. There's this guy I had been dating for 2,5 months. We knew each other somewhat longer, but suddenly *the spark* was there. We had a good time, he took me out to dinner often and went to concerts and other crazy adventures. However, he was quite ambivalent. If we had a good night out and he'd leave the next day, I didn't hear from him for days. When I initiated a date, he would call it off, after having me wait for hours for a response. If we were together it was passionate and he'd hold me so intensely and lovingly. However, he would not talk, no compliments, no verbal affections, no attentive messages, not even curious about my life. It made me very insecure. I asked him if he wanted to hang out the next day and get out of town. After waiting for 7 hours on a reply (and spotting him drinking a beer at a bar that evening while passing by), I told (texted) him I'm done with it. That I really like him and find him intriguing, but that I also find him ambivalent and unclear in what he wants. No hard feelings. All the best and love. His reply...: 'Ok.' That was ít. I'm disillusioned to the max. Then just don't reply at all, instead of 'ok.' A little bit of his history: he broke up with his ex in december after a relationship of 3,5 years. His dad died when he was 15. His mom kicked him out of the house at the age of 17. He is quite sensitive, but won't make it noticeable. He has this little wall built around him. I realised I was falling in love and knew he wasn't ready and needs space. I could not make him happy at this point and would only have wounded myself in the process. Now, should I or should I not write him a letter about my feelings and intentions? That I would love to be with him and go on crazy adventures, but that I feel that we're walking a different path at this moment. Simply: that I'm not rejecting him bluntly, but for the benefit of both letting him go, even if it hurts me. My intention would be that he knows that I see him, that I can be trusted and, because we have mutual friends, that we can have a casual drink without any tension. I do not expect him to respond or suddenly 'open up', but just that he knows he's good as he is and that I accept and respect him and his needs. I would really appreciate your perspectives on this and what would be proper. What do you think? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 He is just not into you. Full stop. Do not make excuses for him, and do not write a little romantic story your head about him either. He liked the sex, but as for the rest, meh. He sees you as a FWB and he is not likely to change his opinion, no matter how long you stick around. Stop chasing him. DO NOT write him a letter about your feelings. Just step back, find someone else who is into you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
eleve82 Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 Hi there, I'm in quite a dilemma at this point. There's this guy I had been dating for 2,5 months. We knew each other somewhat longer, but suddenly *the spark* was there. We had a good time, he took me out to dinner often and went to concerts and other crazy adventures. However, he was quite ambivalent. If we had a good night out and he'd leave the next day, I didn't hear from him for days. When I initiated a date, he would call it off, after having me wait for hours for a response. If we were together it was passionate and he'd hold me so intensely and lovingly. However, he would not talk, no compliments, no verbal affections, no attentive messages, not even curious about my life. It made me very insecure. I asked him if he wanted to hang out the next day and get out of town. After waiting for 7 hours on a reply (and spotting him drinking a beer at a bar that evening while passing by), I told (texted) him I'm done with it. That I really like him and find him intriguing, but that I also find him ambivalent and unclear in what he wants. No hard feelings. All the best and love. His reply...: 'Ok.' That was ít. I'm disillusioned to the max. Then just don't reply at all, instead of 'ok.' A little bit of his history: he broke up with his ex in december after a relationship of 3,5 years. His dad died when he was 15. His mom kicked him out of the house at the age of 17. He is quite sensitive, but won't make it noticeable. He has this little wall built around him. I realised I was falling in love and knew he wasn't ready and needs space. I could not make him happy at this point and would only have wounded myself in the process. Now, should I or should I not write him a letter about my feelings and intentions? That I would love to be with him and go on crazy adventures, but that I feel that we're walking a different path at this moment. Simply: that I'm not rejecting him bluntly, but for the benefit of both letting him go, even if it hurts me. My intention would be that he knows that I see him, that I can be trusted and, because we have mutual friends, that we can have a casual drink without any tension. I do not expect him to respond or suddenly 'open up', but just that he knows he's good as he is and that I accept and respect him and his needs. I would really appreciate your perspectives on this and what would be proper. What do you think? He treats you like crap, why in gods name would you tell him you accept him and whatever he does? respect yourself girl, stick to your decision. you did well getting rid of him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 Do not send him such a letter! If it helps you to get your feelings on paper, by all means write them down but never ever transmit that letter to him under any circumstances. He won't care anyway. Upon receipt his probable reaction would be to be happy he dodged a bullet because you are far too needy & emotional from his perspective. I am NOT saying you are either of those things but to a stoic man on the rebound you will appear that way. He is not ready for or open to love. Leave him be. Now is not your time. It may never be so you need to go out & look for somebody who is on the same page in time that you are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 As a rule of thumb, don't ever stay with someone who doesn't treat you as well as you treat them. What would be the point? He's no catch. He doesn't care. He probably just wants sex and went through the motions to get you warmed up. You can't change someone like that. The more you tolerate, the more escalated their bad behavior will be, so just cut your losses and find someone who wants what you do and treats you like you'd treat them. Link to post Share on other sites
ird Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Oh what a small world. I went through exactly what you're going through. I am sorry, you won't want to hear this but it's most likely the truth: -He doesn't care about you or your feelings, don't express them to him because they won't be reciprocated in a way you'll want to hear. -He only wants to have sex with you and be with you intimately to comfort himself/ego boost/whatever. -All the romance was to get you warmed up/secure you Please know I'm going through the almost identical thing you're going through. Forget him and don't get attached. Look at my last 5 posts and ask yourself if you want to feel like that. You don't. No one does. I wouldn't wish those emotions on anyone, not even my worst enemy. Just remember that he probably doesn't care, Vicky, and you can talk to me about this any time you'd like since I'm going through it also(hopefully finally cut ties with my ******* today.) Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fleur de cactus Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 However, he would not talk, no compliments, no verbal affections, no attentive messages, not even curious about my life. Don't even think again about writing to him. A guy who is not interested in your life, how you grew up, asking you questions, is a red flag that he is only interested in sex. You write to him and he only response was "ok"!!!. So what do you like about him? Please find another person before he breaks you heart. Red flags are there, and I am sure it is the reason you are here. Just run! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vicky876 Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 Gee, thanks for all your replies. You are probably so right. Unfortunately I read it too late and I feel as if I've made a complete fool out of myself now. I've send him a text, saying: Now, I do not know [if it's ok], but I think your response sucks. It did mean something to me. I respect you and cherish the moments together. If it were for me, I'd love to experience the greatest adventures with you. However, correct me if I'm wrong, we're walking in a different pace. Take care. X I feel like such an ass. It doesn't have the intention at all to want him back, because we're no match. Great. I've been used. I can only be happy that I've cut the chord now, instead of keeping it going. And that I've put an end to it. You know, to be honest, it is soooo typically feminine to feel rejected and I can't recall it. Surely, I've rejected him. Now, why do I feel rejected? o.0 *Sigh. I'm just going to sulk now for a moment. In a blanket of self-pity. Mehh. I'll be allright tomorrow. Glad to have shut this door, although it hurts nonetheless. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vicky876 Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 Thank you Ird, for me it was a constant dilemma between being proud and f* him: he's not worth knowing what I feel and then thinking: 'He's also a human being, with his own biography.' I know I'm more worth than this, that's why I put an end to it. But I just can't stand the 'ok' reply. What an incredible childish, pubic reaction. If I let my sense rule it, I'd think: just grow up. Nearly want to pinch his cheek like: so cute, but so wrong. Goooood luck with that. It's nearly like I have a sign on my forehead saying: explicitly for emotionally unavailable men. Link to post Share on other sites
ird Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Thank you Ird, for me it was a constant dilemma between being proud and f* him: he's not worth knowing what I feel and then thinking: 'He's also a human being, with his own biography.' I know I'm more worth than this, that's why I put an end to it. But I just can't stand the 'ok' reply. What an incredible childish, pubic reaction. If I let my sense rule it, I'd think: just grow up. Nearly want to pinch his cheek like: so cute, but so wrong. Goooood luck with that. It's nearly like I have a sign on my forehead saying: explicitly for emotionally unavailable men. I completely understand how you feel. Being used for sex sucks but it happens to everyone at some point. Learning experience. Distract yourself with other people. You'll be ok. It's hard not to like him but you're already emotionally attached from what i can tell. Cut your losses and try not to think about him, you may think you're strong enough to have your thoughts wander but once you get in bed alone at night the thoughts will eat you away and you'll end up text bombing him. Maybe. Just my experience. LS is always here for you to vent too. Link to post Share on other sites
JazzyJae Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Save yourself the trouble. He's just not that into you or he is not ready. Leave. Get out with your sanity intact. You can chose to sit around and wait, but chances are good he may never come around and you would have wasted your time on someone. Or he could realize what he is missing and then you will get married, buy a house with a dog and yard and have your 1.9 children in the suburbs. But thats a risk. I'm not much of a love risk taker myself anymore. Too old to play game and wait. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vicky876 Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 .... He replied actually. 0.o He says: 'Next week on a yet to be determined day I'll take you along in my Bentley [that's a joke, he has a torn off VW] to an also yet to be determined location. I really hope to speak to you then. Love, [name]' Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Yours wasn't the worst text in human history. It wasn't all flowery riddled with I love yous & declarations of undying love. It was more straightforward & factual. However, going forward avoid having emotional conversations through any means other than voice. Text isn't set up for emotions or important stuff. You go a reply. Personally I don't care for the reply because there are too many variables that have yet to be determined & it doesn't acknowledge that his attitude is part of the problem but you may as well hear him out Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 .... He replied actually. 0.o He says: 'Next week on a yet to be determined day I'll take you along in my Bentley [that's a joke, he has a torn off VW] to an also yet to be determined location. I really hope to speak to you then. Love, [name]' His response proves he's a jerk. Hopefully you don't fall for it bc you are completely vulnerable to him. Avoid him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ird Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 .... He replied actually. 0.o He says: 'Next week on a yet to be determined day I'll take you along in my Bentley [that's a joke, he has a torn off VW] to an also yet to be determined location. I really hope to speak to you then. Love, [name]' Oh boy this is starting to sound exactly how my situation went. Are you sure we're not getting played by the same guy? This is going to sound harsh and you probably won't listen to the advice but here goes: Don't go. I can almost guarantee you two will go out, he'll go along with everything you say and he'll take you back to his place and screw you. Then he'll dump you back off and you're back at square 1, right back here to LS. He's probably just bored and horny and in his collection of toys, he wants to play with you for now. But don't worry, you'll end up back on the shelf and he'll occupy himself with some other toys. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 .... He replied actually. 0.o He says: 'Next week on a yet to be determined day I'll take you along in my Bentley [that's a joke, he has a torn off VW] to an also yet to be determined location. I really hope to speak to you then. Love, [name]' Translation: 'Next week when I get horny I'll take you along in my Bentley to my place or somewhere cheap. I really hope to speak to you then, because it would suck to have to find a new woman who will put up with my crap. Love, [name]' 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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