He called me FAT and I ended things

[JaneyJ1991]

This thread is a conclusion to story of the guy I've been seeing for 3 months. I wrote last week that I was kind of evaluating if it was time to stay or go because he didn't want to commit. I decided to be okay with things staying casual for awhile, and last Friday after I posted, we went to the lake and had a great day. The subsequent week has been great. He also has been all over me--the sex drive has been HIGH, and he's wanted everything to do with me all week. Yesterday, I drove us to the creek (an hour and a half away) in my truck. We had a great day all day. We had taken videos with his phone earlier of me jumping off a rock, but I'd never watched them. While he went to change out of his swimtrunks..I did something I swore I'd never do. I opened his phone, planning to make it to the video section to watch the videos of myself for the first time. I never made it that far. Instead, what I saw, on the screen that was open, was a text screen to his sister. And right there...A comment about me.

 

He had told his sister I'm quote "skinny fat". I can't even describe how much that hurt. So like the dumbass I am, I scrolled up. What else I saw appalled me. He had also written her "Yeah she wanted to ask about commitment last week. I told her I'm not ready. In order for her to get that she'd have to change some things and really step it up." Then a couple texts later, "Well she has seemingly been trying lately. She's been getting a tan and putting makeup on these days." I was mortified. There were other things, but these are all the ones I clearly remember. There also was a text about how "she was over last night. She wanted to get pizza at (insert local place here we both go to together and he OFTEN SUGGESTS HIMSELF). Thank god they were closed." There was also an insult about how, "Alll she wants to do is run. Like 5 miles every day. I told her if she'd start to LIFT she'd be in better shape."

 

I confronted him on the drive home, told him what I saw, told him I was dropping him off at his house and was never going to see him again. When we got to his house, I told him I hope he finds EXACTLY what he's looking for, in the right size shape and color, and told him to have a great life.

 

I'm just really hurt. I've never had anyone call me fat or make fun of my body. The sick part is how many times he's complimented me on my body,even YESTERDAY, he was complimenting how I looked in a bikini. And I'm mortified. He even made fun of my training--I run 15-20 miles a week. I'm 5'9" and 140 pounds. He bodybuilds (he's at the gym 6 days a week). I should have known. Suddenly the lightbulb has come on--he never had a low sex drive, he just found me disgusting. He didn't want to commit to me not because he wasn't ready, he just lied.

 

He also told me after the cat was out of the bag on the way home, that initially the reason he didn't want to commit was because he quote, "Kinda fell in love" with the girl he hooked up with 4 times in march, who then promptly told him she didn't want to see him anymore because she got back together with her ex. He "fell in love" with her? Really? in 4 days? He's also told me quote "it never would have worked with that girl because we had nothing in common". And the 3 months of every week spent with me did nothing?

I feel lied to left and right. He even told me earlier in the day "The most important thing is if a girl is smart."

 

It also really hurts that this is only the second person I've ever let see me fully naked, and this is how he repays my trust. It would be one thing if he had this problem with my body, he could have told me and suggested working out together. Instead, he lied to my face, and talked behind my back.

 

I'm pretty destroyed this morning. Anyways, that's the end of that story.

Edited June 27, 2015 by JaneyJ1991

[Gaeta]

Pardon my ignorance but what skinny fat means?

[Gaeta]

"Yeah she wanted to ask about commitment last week. I told her I'm not ready. In order for her to get that she'd have to change some things and really step it up."

 

Is it true?

 

 

So, calm down. You came across a very personal conversation between this man and his sister where he was blowing off some steam and sharing his very personal thoughts, just like you are doing on here. What do you think he would say if he had access to all of your threads about him on here. So you were not the only one questioning this relationship, are you surprised?

 

Also, so what you undressed in front of him? He didn't make you do it, you did this because you wanted to fully knowing you were not in an official relationship and things could turn any direction. You have been ready to exit that relationship 2 months ago so at least own the fact you remained in this and did the things you did fully aware you had problems.

[central]

Skinny fat is a term for someone who is thin/slender but has the unhealthy kind of fat in their bodies. They usually eat a lot of meat and dairy, and not enough vegetables - and usually they don't exercise much. They're naturally, genetically thin. However, if you run a lot like the OP seems to, then it may be mainly a dietary concern he had about you.

 

 

Dr. Daniel Neides, medical director at Cleveland Clinic’s Wellness Institute and Chanatry’s doctor. “On the outside they look incredibly healthy, but on the inside they’re a wreck.” You likely know someone who’s “skinny fat.” They never eat vegetables, love steak, and haven’t exercised since eighth grade gym class—and yet they’re still thin. Perhaps it’s you. But while some of us are envious of our svelte peers who don’t count calories or think twice about having a donut for breakfast, doctors say we shouldn’t be. Skinny fat is a real, and remarkably common, phenomenon—deadly even..

 

Anyway, you snooped a private, candid conversation, and didn't understand all you read. However, you don't meet his criteria, it seems, and he doesn't meet yours. Hopefully you both learned something.

[aloneinaz]

There certainly is a lot of drama in this 3 month relationship. I'm assuming your both late teens/early 20's? At that age, both sexes can be a bit immature and too focused on every flaw they perceive in the person they are dating. I've been there.

 

 

For your height and weight, YOUR NOT FAT.. My GF's daughter is 5'9 and 123lbs. She's too skinny and has no curves. Don't let his stupid comment resonate w/you.

 

 

The bottom line is you two are not compatible and you need to find a guy that want's to commit to you and finds you amazing.

[Keenly]

Why is the word commitment popping up at 3 months?

 

 

The men you date will always be having honest conversations with the close people in their lives. It appears they need to have it with them because if they had an honest conversation with you, you'd get mad like this.

[minimariah]

dude gossips with his SISTER about you...what is he, 12...?

 

dodged a bullet, block him on every front & move on. nothing to grieve about, trust me. and sweetheart... LOVE your body. opinions are like a**holes, everyone has one. as long as you are HEALTHY and satisfied - it is all good. if you want -- you can come up with a better working plan, to gain more muscles. take care of your body for YOU & no one else.

 

once you find a dude who will love you MADLY just the way you are - pizza, makeup, body... whatever - you'll wonder why did you even get upset over a jacka** like this.

Edited June 27, 2015 by minimariah

[minimariah]

However, if you run a lot like the OP seems to, then it may be mainly a dietary concern he had about you.

 

nawl -- he mentions her putting on a tan & make up.

 

he's trying to change up her entire appearance, that's what he meant by "not trying enough" type of comment.

 

if he was worried about her health -- he would've TOLD her so.

 

she understood that convo pretty well, unfortunately. they are obviously young & immature, it happens.

[Gaeta]

dude gossips with his SISTER about you...what is he, 12...? .

 

People have conversations about their dating life with people they are close with whether it's a sister or a friend. I am 49 and I tell my best friends about my dating worries and seek their opinion and advice. Nothing wrong with it, it's just meant to be personal.

[Satu]

He sounds like an insensitive idiot.

[katiegrl]

nawl -- he mentions her putting on a tan & make up.

 

he's trying to change up her entire appearance, that's what he meant by "not trying enough" type of comment.

 

if he was worried about her health -- he would've TOLD her so.

 

she understood that convo pretty well, unfortunately. they are obviously young & immature, it happens.

 

^^100% agree with this....and while yeah sure I understand people are entitled to have personal conversations with friends and family.....

 

....if more people were privy to their partner's personal convos like this, they'd be ending their relationships much sooner than had they not read or heard those conversations...

 

Unfortunately however, most of us are NOT privy to these negative conversations..... so they are left confused and wondering what the hell is going on.

 

Janey....you have been confused about this guy and his behavior for awhile now.....he's the guy who had the condom in his bed, right? Among other things.....

 

Well now you know..... and I for one am glad you dumped him.....a man who is concerned about your health...and your *skinny-fat" frame....would have discussed with you...rather than going behind your back and bitching about it to his sister... sheesh.

 

And what's up with the tan and the makeup? Is that what he meant by "stepping it up" before making a commitment to you? Apparently.....

 

The guy is a shallow asshat at worst.....or just not that into you.... or a combination of both.

 

God for you for ending it.....and your departing comment was perfect!!!

 

Next.....

Edited June 27, 2015 by katiegrl

[Grumpybutfun]

You dodged a negative bullet. The guy is an ass. Move on.

G

[ApexTitanium]

He bodybuilds (he's at the gym 6 days a week).

 

Theres your problem. Guys who go to the gym damn near everyday of the week and "bodybuild" generally only care about looks and are shallow hot-heads.

 

But.....hes hot right? Thats all that matters these days.

[RoseVille]

I think you jumped to conclusions. He wasn't calling you fat. He was making a very specific type of observation about your body composition. People who lift heavy understand what he's getting at, particularly given that all you do is run. Of course he finds your body attractive, otherwise he wouldn't be dating you. But if he's making factual observations about your body comp, in a private conversation with his family, how on earth can you be mad about that?

[katiegrl]

I think you jumped to conclusions. He wasn't calling you fat. He was making a very specific type of observation about your body composition. People who lift heavy understand what he's getting at, particularly given that all you do is run. Of course he finds your body attractive, otherwise he wouldn't be dating you. But if he's making factual observations about your body comp, in a private conversation with his family, how on earth can you be mad about that?

 

Fair point....but you are completely disregarding the comments he made which Janey posted in the *second* paragraph of her initial post...

 

She needs to *step it up" before he will commit to her? Which means, according to him....getting a tan and wearing more makeup?

 

Really????

 

Edit: Also the fact he chose to bitch to his sister (which also included an insult about her wanting to get pizza, and that "all" she does is run).....instead of sharing his concerns with HER....is really low IMO.

Edited June 27, 2015 by katiegrl

[fitnessfan365]

Wow.. That's pretty messed up. Especially since you found out from a secondhand source.

 

But, you've yet to take responsibility for your share in all of this.

 

1) You've never asked to be exclusive and even told him that you were OK with him seeing other women.

 

2) You NEVER wanted to have sex with him. All you wanted to do was phone sex and mutual masturbation. So why in the hell do you keep complaining about his "low sex drive" when you didn't want to have sex?

[Emilia]

I always step it up when I start seeing someone and expect him to do the same. Most men seem happy with this. He is right about lifting by the way if you want a good body. Weights and protein rich diet rather than running and carbs which is probably what you are doing today.

[123321]

Pardon my ignorance but what skinny fat means?

 

Slim and flabby, I think. Pretty common for women really, like everything it comes in degrees, I don't think it's a big deal myself.

 

Women don't pack on muscle mass like guys, it's just part of the deal.

 

 

 

As for the OP:

 

That's what you get for snooping. You read something he sent to someone he has a lifelong relationship with and with whom he is unguarded and speaks freely with, probably with a long developed shorthand and context.

[Yookie]

Skinny fat = high body fat percentage

 

The only way to truly find out if you're skinny fat is to get your body composition measured. Generally people who do starvation dieting and those that do tons of cardio without any weight training end up skinny fat because theylose a lot of muscle in the process. This is very bad because of what it does to the metabolism. As soon as the diet is over or the cardio ceases they end up blowing up like a balloon.

 

OP There was no way for him to tell you what he thinks of your running all the time without being insulting. it doesn't sound like he's trying to change you, it sounds like he's trying to reconcile who you are to himself to decide if he wants a relationship with you.

Edited June 27, 2015 by Yookie

[rester]

This guy is a sh/t-talker. You don't want to be with a sh/t-talker. They put on a smiley face for people and then talk sh/t about them behind their back.

 

I can't believe people are defending this guy. Private conversation or not...if he gave half a crap for her, he would NEVER say those things to ANYONE.

 

OP is lucky she found out so soon. And good for her for standing up for herself.

[Popsicle]

Just avoid dating bodybuilders, unless they approach you first and prove to you that they like your body type. Their ideal mate is more often than not another bodybuilder.

 

I think you jumped to conclusions. He wasn't calling you fat. He was making a very specific type of observation about your body composition. People who lift heavy understand what he's getting at, particularly given that all you do is run. Of course he finds your body attractive, otherwise he wouldn't be dating you. But if he's making factual observations about your body comp, in a private conversation with his family, how on earth can you be mad about that?

 

Because you don't want your boyfriend to make factual comments, you want your boyfriend to tell you that you are beautiful.

 

She could hire a trainer if she wanted training.

Edited June 27, 2015 by Popsicle

[rester]

People have conversations about their dating life with people they are close with whether it's a sister or a friend. I am 49 and I tell my best friends about my dating worries and seek their opinion and advice. Nothing wrong with it, it's just meant to be personal.

 

You don't think this guy did anything wrong? I've read enough of your threads to believe that you would kick this guys behind if this happened to you. Why are you defending him? Serious question.

 

Telling your best friends about your dating worries is completely different than flat-out insulting the person.

[minimariah]

People have conversations about their dating life with people they are close with whether it's a sister or a friend. I am 49 and I tell my best friends about my dating worries and seek their opinion and advice. Nothing wrong with it, it's just meant to be personal.

 

it's wrong to gossip & talk sh*t about your SO to others while you're being twofaced and pretending everything is just fine in front of the SO, which is what the OP's dude did.

 

i understand that folks don't know the meaning of PRIVACY anymore but keep your business to yourself - not everyone needs to know everything.

 

there is a difference between petty gossip where you mock someone & seeking opinion and advice about your dating choices -- this? this was petty gossip.

 

is there a bigger turn off than a dude who can gossip his a** off better than any girl you know? i don't think so.

[katiegrl]

Just avoid dating bodybuilders, unless they approach you first and prove to you that they like your body type. Their ideal mate is more often than not another bodybuilder.

 

 

 

Because you don't want your boyfriend to make factual comments,

 

**you want your boyfriend to tell you that you are beautiful.**

 

She could hire a trainer if she wanted training.

 

Quote in asterisk... Lol yeah don't all women? Duh...

 

I think the point is that she would have preferred he shared all his concerns with *her*... and not his sister...

 

Or okay share with his sister....while ALSO sharing them with her!

[xxoo]

If, at 3 months in, he is feeling critical about your body and wishing it were different, he should do you a favor and break up.

 

Your body is FINE. You are FINE. You are not everyone's ideal; no one is. You just had the misfortune of dating someone who prefers a different body type, and is immature enough to think that the solution is changing you, rather than accepting you or breaking up with you.