Poppy47 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I am sure this question has been asked before but.... I have been in and out of an A for 7 years now. I recently ended it and want it to be over for all time. The trouble is, I forget what it was like to be a normal person before this. I have been living a secret life for so long. Will I ever get back to feeling like a real person again? I felt like such a fake with my friends and family all that time. Poppy. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I find revealing the truth is a pretty grounding thing to do. If you want to continue living a lie, then forget 'normal'. Coming out of the 'affair' closet will be totally liberating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Poppy47 Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 Do you think I should confess to my kids and friends? I don't have a partner, so no cofession to be done there. Poppy. Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Do you think I should confess to my kids and friends? I don't have a partner, so no cofession to be done there. Poppy. Have you shared it with any friends? I have two very close friends who know about my A. I don't know what I would do without them, especially if/when I decide to end my A. I would start with a close friend or two at least to get some support. I don't know how old your kids are, so that is difficult to answer. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I think you come clean to the people who matter most to you. If your good character, integrity, honesty and dignity is important to them, and you want to upold those qualities in their eyes, then yes. You come clean. Even to the point of holding a 'family meeting'. Have a party, bring them all together, insist they attend because you have an important announcement you need them to hear. Then gather them all together, and say what you have to say. And tell them why you're saying it - to them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Poppy47 Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 I have a couple of very close friends who know and support me. My only child is 47. I do not see her or talk to her frequently at all. She has been horrified when I have talked to her about men in my life... too much information about Mumsie. Don't think I will go down that road. Poppy. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 So what then, is 'normal' by your definition....? Link to post Share on other sites
Lesson2ya Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Poppy your affair will change you. I had one for a year recently and it has changed me, I had a couple of friends I spoke to, one was in case I needed somewhere to go if I left home but he knew about the A anyway as we were both friends of his. The person I have spoken to most is a colleague from work who is the opposite sex and I have found her very supportive to me and very helpful. You need to be the real you, accept what you have done and try and move forward, it is not easy and is so difficult just be strong. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I have a couple of very close friends who know and support me. My only child is 47. I do not see her or talk to her frequently at all. She has been horrified when I have talked to her about men in my life... too much information about Mumsie. Don't think I will go down that road. Poppy. Don't tell your daughter for that reason! I don't think you need to go into big details about the A with your family but you could say that you got involved with someone that wasn't right for you and it took you a while to get out and see that the whole situation was unhealthy and bad for you but now you're out of it and needing support and love from them. Do counseling. You will find 'you' again soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I think you can consider confessing "up" and "sideways" but I've never thought burdening children, even grown children, with parents' issues is the wisest thing. Certainly, there are times where it's appropriate. There are times when there is no choice. But it seems you already know it would make her uncomfortable. She needs to know she can rely on YOU. Parents are there for their children, not the other way around. You will find the real you again and be there for her and authentic regardless. Finding the real you depends upon you holding to your decision and making those day by day steps in every day life - no longer living in secret. I DO think being able to share the truth with certain trusted people, with those who will support you, will help you going forward. An affair can really make you question who you are. I was in mine for a much shorter period, and I even felt like I wasn't sure if I remembered who I was before it. It becomes such an all-consuming thing. Time and distance from the every day acts of deceit, from the xMM, from everything...you will find you, maybe even a better version. Stick your toe in the water in clearing the air, carefully. You will see who needs to know and who doesn't and how that can help you. I am married and my H knows. There are a couple of very close friends that know, who have helped me. I have a couple more friends I considered telling, but it became apparent to me as time went on that they probably didn't want to know. You can't un-ring a bell. Just take it a little at a time. Hang in there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Tell/don't tell, I don't know so I'll let that section go. But as to normal, that I know. Normal changes. Normal is always changing. What is normal to me is not normal to you. What was normal before the A is no longer your normal. My normal is vastly different than my friends. They think the things I do (work/living situations) are amazing/scary/difficult/horrible. To me these things are normal. What you need to do if find a way of living that brings you peace and happiness, then keep repeating it until it becomes your normal. I am in the process of finding a new normal too. Its scary and makes me sometimes want to go backwards. But I am determined that my new normal will be better and healthier than what I was doing. And that keeps me moving forward. Thinking good thoughts for you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I am sure this question has been asked before but.... I have been in and out of an A for 7 years now. I recently ended it and want it to be over for all time. The trouble is, I forget what it was like to be a normal person before this. I have been living a secret life for so long. Will I ever get back to feeling like a real person again? I felt like such a fake with my friends and family all that time. Poppy. It's time to start living authentically. If you have some good friends you can trust, TELL them about what happened and what you did. Your real friends will support you and understand and help you through the tough times. When you shine light in the darkness you will feel better. Yes you risk losing some friends or whomever, but at least you are not living a lie. It is a good feeling to release the burdens. Just my 2 cents. If you are having trouble with certain things, ask yourself "Am I living authentically or living a lie"? And then base your choices on that. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 You can be normal again. You just have to start rekindling your relationships with your friends and family again by dedicating time and emotion to them again. If they ask what happened to you, just tell them you were going through something unhealthy at the time, but now you over that and want to move forward. If you do this though and these people accept you back into their life, you CAN NOT backslide with MM again. So if you're not ready or able to resist him if he comes back, then do not bother to do all this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Poppy47 Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 So what then, is 'normal' by your definition....? Tara, Thanks for you suggestions. For me "Normal" would be a time when I do not have thoughts of MM in my head. Poppy. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Tara, Thanks for you suggestions. For me "Normal" would be a time when I do not have thoughts of MM in my head. Poppy. And who puts them there? You are in charge of you. Nobody else. So change what you do, to change who you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Poppy47 Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 Thanks everyone for your suggestions and very kind thoughts. I'm not unhappy about my decision or struggling with NC. He respects my decision. I am trying to imagine a life where I am free of constant thoughts of him and the anxiety that comes with being in an A. I guess that will unfold. Already I feel a burden lifted from my shoulders after 4 days. I think it's the best thing I can do for myself. Poppy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Do you think I should confess to my kids and friends? I don't have a partner, so no cofession to be done there. Poppy. I don't think you should confess to your kids and friends. That is too much to put on them IMHO. Facing your fears about living an authentic life out loud will be a healthy start. What makes you fear an honest, open relationship? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Tara, Thanks for you suggestions. For me "Normal" would be a time when I do not have thoughts of MM in my head. Poppy. Poppy, I've found that while you can do some things actively (throw yourself into new activities, especially those that require intense thinking!), for the most part, it is all about time and distance. That is quite hard to face when you are at the beginning, but time and distance make things go back to neutral. But you really do have to totally get him out of your life, no communication whatsoever. I've read somewhere that the first 30 days are naturally tough and between 30 and 60 days is often a time of starting to question your decision, rationalizing changing your mind. You kind of start to hit a wall. But getting past 60 days is a really big point, kind of a milestone. Looking out from there, at 6 months you are really moving on with your life. However I've read that you must maintain very safe and strong boundaries for 18 months after an affair. You are vulnerable to that person for a while. It may seem kind of crazy, but the point is, just don't put yourself in a position where you can let your guard down. It doesn't mean that you aren't happily free of him way before that time, because I think past that 60 day point, you are doing pretty darn good (with some moments, of course). But you just have to protect your decision to move forward. Southern 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoenician Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 So you are single , have a grown up kid . Why is it cheating ? is the man married ? I believe from your part this is not cheating . ethically if he is married and you can't handle the sense of guilt then there are 2 choices , either stop this affair , or suggest that he becomes in an open marriage form . and no don't tell family/daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Poppy47 Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 Phoenician, He is married and I'm widowed. I ofte have felt in the past 7 years very isolated by the affair. I have no intentions of telling family or daughter. I am sure they would just roll their eyes and get on with their lives. I am 68 and he is 73. I hardly think he will be going into an open marriage after being married for 52 years. Ending the A is the very best thing. Poppy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Poppy I so relate to what you're saying. I'm about two weeks out from the fifth anniversary of my A and I too have forgotten what it's like to be normal. I've forgotten what it's like to go to work a little out of sorts because of what my 'partner' has done and actually be able to express that. I've forgotten what it's like to be able to take a 'plus one' to a family function. I've forgotten what it's like to be able to publically proclaim pride in the achievements of the man that I love. I've forgotten what it's like to be openly supported by the one person whose support I should be able to count on in a crisis. I've forgotten what it's like to be seen, to be visible, to be celebrated in a relationship sense. And that is what is normal. I hope you find normality. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Poppy I so relate to what you're saying. I'm about two weeks out from the fifth anniversary of my A and I too have forgotten what it's like to be normal. I've forgotten what it's like to go to work a little out of sorts because of what my 'partner' has done and actually be able to express that. I've forgotten what it's like to be able to take a 'plus one' to a family function. I've forgotten what it's like to be able to publically proclaim pride in the achievements of the man that I love. I've forgotten what it's like to be openly supported by the one person whose support I should be able to count on in a crisis. I've forgotten what it's like to be seen, to be visible, to be celebrated in a relationship sense. And that is what is normal. I hope you find normality. That is really sad. Phoenician, He is married and I'm widowed. I ofte have felt in the past 7 years very isolated by the affair. I have no intentions of telling family or daughter. I am sure they would just roll their eyes and get on with their lives. I am 68 and he is 73. I hardly think he will be going into an open marriage after being married for 52 years. Ending the A is the very best thing. Poppy. I really hope you do it and stick to it. You can't begin to be normal again until you end it (including the frienship). It has to be strict NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Do you think I should confess to my kids and friends? I don't have a partner, so no cofession to be done there. Poppy. Why should you? You didn't for 7 years for a reason, so I'd let it go. Why put yourself in a position to be judged? I'd simply tell everyone the relationship is over and you're moving on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Poppy47 Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 Why should you? You didn't for 7 years for a reason, so I'd let it go. Why put yourself in a position to be judged? I'd simply tell everyone the relationship is over and you're moving on. I have only told two long distance friends so nobody knows anyway, Poppy. Link to post Share on other sites
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