Friend filled with nasty venom

[HansonGirl]

have you ever had a friend who was so hateful? I used to be friends with a girl and i was so worried I would have to see her at this upcoming event. She ended up not being there, but she was invited. She just had a prior commitment. So I was there with friends of hers and they either thought I was still friends with her or said, "oh I know you through Mary." I committed the social faux pas of saying, when one woman said (or I thought she said) "you're friends with Mary": "we're not friends anymore but yes that's how you know me." This is someone I haven't seen in almost 10 years, but all these people remember us as being friends. Even 10 years later.

 

well thinking back on it, I recall Mary as being very vicious. One of the first times i hung out with her, which should have been a red flag at the time, there was another girl there who she had gone to high school with. Mary just said all these nasty things about this girl, and went on and on, and it was just really negative and nasty. About how this girl thinks she is so great and she's not, and a bunch more comments I cannot remember. And I recall a girl who was sort of an outcast, who had some sort of physical disability or some sort of disease. I am not sure exactly but it caused her to walk in a strange way and have speech issues. The bottom line is that everyone knew she had some sort of handicap. I recall the girl applied for a position in the campus group Mary was on the executive board of.

 

Mary LAUGHED and said she couldn't believe this girl would attempt to try out and apply for this position. It made me sad. I slowly backed away from her. Mary noticed and didn't like that, and got vicious with me. So that was really the last interaction with her almost 10 years ago in college. Yet all these girls at the event seem to like her. I also witnessed her berate the superintendent at her apartment and treat him like a 2nd class citizen. After that she avoided him and made her roommates contact him whenever there was an issue with the apartment. she couldn't face him. I was in the room with her when she yelled at the HR department of her new job demanding they put her in the department she wanted just because she went to a decent school.

 

Even our mutual friend was turned off when Mary was basically comparing the jewelry her boyfriend gave her with that given to other friends by their boyfriends, and commented that she ran into Mary and that boyfriend one day and she treated him like crap. The funny thing is that the mutual friend who found this distasteful is very wealthy and was completely put off by Mary's trying to compare who had the more expensive jewelry. The wealthy friend (and her very wealthy boyfriend) could easy outdo her any day of the week but they don't live to show off their wealth in that way.

 

Am I the only one who noticed her entitled and negative attitude? how is this girl still friends with all these people? They seem to like her a lot.

 

Anyways, that was a HUGE tangent. but to get to the main point: do you know anybody like this?

Edited June 28, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HansonGirl]

here's what I wanted to add:

Were you friends with someone like that and realized they are just not a very nice person? Or did you realize it immediately? What did you do?

And the thing I wonder most of all: how come people like that have so many friends? How is she friends with all these people? Are they afraid of her?

Edited June 28, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Arieswoman]

HansonGirl,

This person is not a friend.

 

Distance yourself from her and stop trying to figure out why she appears so mean. She's not worth your thoughts.

 

Who cares how many so-called friends she has? She's not been a friend to you, so move away from her and don't look back.

[HansonGirl]

HansonGirl,

This person is not a friend.

 

Distance yourself from her and stop trying to figure out why she appears so mean. She's not worth your thoughts.

 

Who cares how many so-called friends she has? She's not been a friend to you, so move away from her and don't look back.

 

Yes thank you. I know that. I haven't spoken to this person in 10 years. But I was among her friends at this event hearing all about her. So that's why I was thinking back on it. And my question is for other people and whether they have had similar experiences. I'm not looking for advice on this "friend" who I haven't even seen in 10 years. I don't mean to be rude but did you read the question? Maybe If the moderator allowed me to edit I could've made it more clear.

[anika99]

I've often seen arrogant condescending jerks who have a lot of friends. I can't explain it either. I thinks it's possibly because when a person talks and behaves as though they are better and more entitled than anyone else they attract a group of friends who fall for the act and have come to see that person as better too.

[whichwayisup]

I've often seen arrogant condescending jerks who have a lot of friends. I can't explain it either. I thinks it's possibly because when a person talks and behaves as though they are better and more entitled than anyone else they attract a group of friends who fall for the act and have come to see that person as better too.

 

Mean people like that always have a 'fun' side and some others focus on that and not the nastiness. Maybe Mary isn't as mean as she was 10 years ago and has grown up a bit. Maybe those friends aren't exposed to that side of her, who knows.

[preraph]

It all sounds very high-schooly and actually typical of the most popular girls in my graduating class of '70. The most popular girls were very snobby and the tier of girls under them were seeking their approval so they were agreeing with all of it and even going further and being worse bullies than the top social ones. Some people grow out of it. But I remember a few years after high school I happened to have lunch near my work and the most popular girl in school was there. She was known for making snide comments about how someone dressed or did their hair. At a time when it was very rare, she had actually been the one in our senior class who had gotten pregnant, and everyone was shocked, especially that it was her. Back then, you left school and married the father, pretty much, so that's what she did, this girl who had doors wide open for her future.

 

So as I was ordering lunch, I was only vaguely aware of a large party of nearby with kids everywhere, and then I heard her voice saying the exact same type of thing she used to say in high school, which was, as she recalled running into someone, "Not very cutesy." She couldn't have been older than 21 and here she was with three kids and a bit frumpy looking, with what I were imagine were her mother and grandmother, still turning her nose up at others even after she'd derailed her own life. Not very cutesy indeed.

Edited June 28, 2015 by preraph

[SpiralOut]

I know several women like that. I don't understand it at all. One of them I was friends with. Though I saw her nasty side, I overlooked it because I could see why she did it. She was a terribly unhappy person. I was too naïve at the time to understand that her nastiness would eventually be directed at me. I found that out the hard way and cut her out of my life.

 

 

I guess she doesn't completely fit your description, as she was never popular. Before I cut her out, she cried to me about people not liking her. She tried very hard to befriend others and didn't get far with it. However she is successful in her career and I often wonder why someone so mean-spirited gets to do so well.

 

 

I work with a woman who is quite nasty towards people. Lots of people like her and I have no idea why. I guess because she had a difficult upbringing and she goes out of her way to tell everybody about it, perhaps to gain sympathy. Maybe that's why people overlook her mean side. I'm not willing to overlook it though. I won't make that mistake again. She has been trying to be nice to me lately and I am cordial, nothing more.

[hoping2heal]

I have a relative who if anything, I feel pity for because she's so very unhappy, jealous, and insecure. She is the type that wants everyone to "know" when she does something nice to help another person but I'm not sure if she really "likes" anyone. She badmouths everybody and that is just how she is. Most people know and it is easier to go along and placate (since she is family). She's most harmless when you know you can't trust her, avoid confiding in her, etc. She thinks she's got everyone believing she is this kind, loving, generous, godly person and I don't know anyone who truly knows her and thinks that about her. Yes, she too ironically always seems to notice when someone else "thinks they are so great" but they aren't...

 

If she were not family, I would not even bother with her at all and as is, I keep it to a family get together basis only. I'm not angry or resentful towards her though, I know she is how she is and really just feel sorry for her.

[SycamoreCircle]

Interesting post. I had been thinking about some of the ideas you bring up.

 

I think, in a roundabout way, you're asking is it OK for you to feel this way about Mary. Trust your instincts. How is it possible other people overlook this stuff? A lot of people have boundary issues. They're scared to draw lines in the sand. They're scared to let other people know they wish to draw lines in the sand. They fear losing popularity or approval themselves.

 

You can bet her behavior doesn't go unchecked. A snake in the grass at the end of the day is still a snake in the grass. Many people, like you, don't want other people to know they don't like or approve of Mary. It's not politically advantageous.

 

I can think of two people who are or were like the person you describe. When I was younger, I was befriended by a very dynamic young guy in my acting class. He had the esteem of all the professors and a lot of the other students. He always seemed a bit thorny to me. Imagine my surprise when his focus turned directly on me. I think in many ways he admired that I wasn't really affected by his persuasion. Slowly, over time, we became friends. I never could identify wholeheartedly with his viciousness. He loved to gossip and pick apart the people around him. Nevertheless, our antics and humor found common ground. We remained friends, not without bumps, for close to 10 years. By the end, his arrogance and cruelty had mellowed out. He'd accomplished things and fleshed out a path for himself and a lot of his insecurities fell to the wayside. By the time he'd met his wife, all of that muck had disappeared. It was vanity, it was arrogance. Loving someone deeply, wishing to start a family and grow a life together with someone had utterly squashed that toxic processing of the world. We still send notes to each other from time to time.

 

The other person is my ex. She is a young woman, much younger than me and that unforgiving, judgmental scourge witnessed in my friend slowly emerged in her. I think a lot of it was born from the fact that she'd lived most of her life under the wing of her parents. She yearned to be her own person. I didn't realize I was falling in love with a person who hadn't figured out who they were yet. A year later I was the obstacle between her and "self-actualization." She turned her scorn on me. I had no chance. Now, she basks in a snobbish, contemptuous, elitist, rancor that points up her insecurity. It truly is something to behold. I believe, I hope that one day she will outgrow it. She has to. Only a fantastically "lucky" person could enjoy arrogance for the duration of their life. Eventually, pain, loss or love seize you and diminish your ego.

 

Let's wish the same for Mary.

[Arieswoman]

Hanson girl,

 

I'm not looking for advice on this "friend" who I haven't even seen in 10 years.

 

Aren't you?

 

I am puzzled as to why someone who you haven't seen for 10 years, who you say was a "not nice" person, is still occupying your thoughts?

 

i was so worried I would have to see her at this upcoming event.

 

OK, so it seems you still have issues about this person? Or maybe she is bringing up issues that are not to do with her directly but are to do with something else? This is an opportunity to explore those issues and deal with them.

 

do you know anybody like this?

 

Yes, at school I knew girls who were downright spiteful, entitles, selfish and mean, and yet all of them had a fan club

I have no idea what happened to them and nor do I care......

[Fugu]

I've often seen arrogant condescending jerks who have a lot of friends. I can't explain it either. I thinks it's possibly because when a person talks and behaves as though they are better and more entitled than anyone else they attract a group of friends who fall for the act and have come to see that person as better too.

 

There are two rational explanations for this:

 

1. The 'friends' are not really so much friends as they are connections or part of a social circle.

 

2. They may also be of a like mind.

 

I grew up in a fairly affluent community and I've noticed a phenomenon among affluent societies, particularly those we might refer to colloquially as "old money." What I've noticed is that their wealth becomes a huge part of their identity. It's just part of who they are. There's an unspoken sense of entitlement. It's understood among the group. There's a deep sense of fraternization that goes on within these groups.

 

The connections are seemingly deep on the surface, but in reality it's probably a lot more fragile than that. They all feel a tremendous pressure to stay within that socioeconomic group. That's why some of these people will go to extraordinary lengths to show people that they're making a lot of money when in reality they might be teetering on the edge of bankruptcy. I grew up in a pretty nice neighborhood. Not really million dollar homes but definitely people with six figure salaries and probably quite a few with seven figure incomes. Mercedes. Beemers. Jags. Rolexes. Memberships at the local CC and regular Saturday morning golf games. That kinda sh*t.

 

There also quite a few people who stubbornly refused to admit that their finances were in shambles and continued to spend like they were Donald Trump. In fact they sometimes seemed to spend more in the last year or two before finally putting their homes on the market, an obvious sign of financial defeat. One guy was an attorney who was sent to prison for dipping into client funds to continue his facade.

 

I digress....

 

The point is, people in these 'elite' groups tend to bond with each other on one hand because they feel a kind of kinship. They want to believe that they're part of an elite social group. They like the exclusivity of it. And whether we admit it or not, let's face the fact that a lot of us, on some level, like being part of a group that's 'exclusive' or 'elite'. For some that satisfaction comes from passing a difficult exam the average person can't, or accomplishing some other type of feat. But for these people, it's about the money they have, the class they were born into. They feel special and powerful. It's probably intoxicating on some level.

 

The other side of it is that they don't want to lose membership in this group. They don't want to lose their special status. So there can be a tendency to identify with this group, and to identify with individual members in this group. They might completely and openly acknowledge in private that the OP's friend is a b*tch - but so what? She's one of them, and they are part of this elite group. They don't want to disassociate themselves from that. If they part, then they're just ordinary people.

 

And who wants to be ordinary?

[HansonGirl]

Hanson girl,

 

 

 

Aren't you?

 

I am puzzled as to why someone who you haven't seen for 10 years, who you say was a "not nice" person, is still occupying your thoughts?

 

 

 

OK, so it seems you still have issues about this person? Or maybe she is bringing up issues that are not to do with her directly but are to do with something else? This is an opportunity to explore those issues and deal with them.

 

 

 

Yes, at school I knew girls who were downright spiteful, entitles, selfish and mean, and yet all of them had a fan club

I have no idea what happened to them and nor do I care......

 

Hi there. Yeah I guess the advice I was seeking was what someone else said: sort of seeking permission to feel this way about her. But I was just clarifying I wasn't asking whether this girl was a "friend" and what I should do about the friendship. I already knew she wasn't a friend and knew I wanted to avoid her.

I knew I might see her at this event (which already occurred and she wasn't there but I was placed at a table with all her friends who all told me they remember me through Mary so she was a topic of the discussion). Normally I don't think about her but when I knew I had to attend this thing I knew there was s good chance she would be there I was bracing myself. Not only is she nasty normally I sure she hated me the last time we interacted. You never know. And me thinking about it made me want to know if others had similar experiences. So that's where this is coming from. I was just afraid it would ring back negative feelings and I also thought it would be a very very unpleasant experience for me as I was there alone and she would have her gaggle of friends.

I am soooo happy she was not there.

But I did tell a coworker when I got back to the office when she asked me about the event I was worried about running into someone who wasn't a very nice person and the person wasn't there. And I realized maybe you are right it was preoccupying my mind a little especially leading up to the event. It's over now so I should move on

 

But I'm totally interested in hearing Yorkers stories if anybody is interested in still sharing

[HansonGirl]

Sorry about the typos in my last post. Typing on my phone.