Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 (edited) Stop having sex with him. He's not a real husband & doesn't deserve it. If he forces himself on you, have him arrested for rape. Get a job. Tell your "husband" that he needs to arrange daycare for his son. You will no longer do that for him on your time. BIL or MIL can do it. Stop cooking for anyone but yourself & your son. Don't speak to your "husband" other than about your son. Move out when you can & take your son with you. Divorce him & find a real man. Yes, there's plenty out there that will treat you properly. It's not just your life, but your sons. Do you want him to treat his future wife like you're being treated now? Don't be selfish & do the right thing. Your "husband" is an adult child, not a man. An adult child can't be a good father or husband. The problem is not the BIL, but your "husband" and you. Your adult child "husband" can only change himself, you can't. You do have the power of stopping your harmful passive & submissive behavior & provide a good life for your son. Edited June 29, 2015 by Clarence_Boddicker
writergal Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 Stop having sex with him. He's not a real husband & doesn't deserve it. If he forces himself on you, have him arrested for rape. Get a job. Tell your "husband" that he needs to arrange daycare for his son. You will no longer do that for him on your time. BIL or MIL can do it. Stop cooking for anyone but yourself & your son. Don't speak to your "husband" other than about your son. Move out when you can & take your son with you. Divorce him & find a real man. Yes, there's plenty out there that will treat you properly. It's not just your life, but your sons. Do you want him to treat his future wife like you're being treated now? Don't be selfish & do the right thing. Your "husband" is an adult child, not a man. An adult child can't be a good father or husband. The problem is not the BIL, but your "husband" and you. Your adult child "husband" can only change himself, you can't. You do have the power of stopping your harmful passive & submissive behavior & provide a good life for your son. Not really practical advice, considering the OP and her husband are clearly not American but are from another culture where arranged marriages take place. Where women are forced to follow rules imposed on them from their own culture that put them between a rock and a hard place. I don't know what culture the OP is from, but it sounds like a very patriarchal culture. OP, when will you find out if you can return to your nursing school for the fall semester? If your husband allows you to pursue school, at least you have that outlet to plan for more independence once you get your nurses license. Nurses make great money, so you will have the financial freedom to make more decisions that benefit you and your disabled son once you finish nursing school and find a job. Do you have any allies who can help you with your husband his brother, such as family or friends? Or are you completely on your own, as far as emotional support?
Lois_Griffin Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 Thank for all your replies. You have no idea how much you are helping me. Believe me I have thought about giving my husband an ultimatum a long time ago (I am fed up with this situation), the problem is I have no where to go, my only option is a women shelter, and the idea scares me a great deal. My family lives in another country, and are very poor, so I wouldn't want to be a burden on them with my child. Why haven't you been using all this free time at home every day to get an education so you can get a job and become financially independent? All your problems stem from the fact that you're completely dependent on your husband who is completely ball-less and won't do a damned thing about this childish mess he's forced you to live in for the past 8 years. The fact that YOU'VE done nothing to improve your situation for 8 long years speaks volumes, as well. Nothing changes if NOTHING changes. 1
elaine567 Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 Thank for all your replies. You have no idea how much you are helping me. Believe me I have thought about giving my husband an ultimatum a long time ago (I am fed up with this situation), the problem is I have no where to go, my only option is a women shelter, and the idea scares me a great deal. My family lives in another country, and are very poor, so I wouldn't want to be a burden on them with my child. ...he knows I have no where to go. Forget ultimatums, ultimatums are not going to work here. Your husband is controlled by his brother and you are controlled by your husband. Get yourself to a woman's shelter ASAP, break free. Find compassionate people who can help you, investigate help for your disabled son too. Are you in a western society? Can you contact expat people from your country, maybe they could help. But stay away from any "traditional" and religious groups, who do not believe in women's rights - they may send you right back to your husband. This is modern day slavery, under the guise of a marriage.
Author Arya-Stark Posted June 30, 2015 Author Posted June 30, 2015 Alright, I do not expect everyone to understand my situation, it is hard for people who lived their life so independently to understand how hard it is for a person like me to seek independence. I have attempted to contact a women's shelter before. The problem that scares me, is they are very secretive (understandably so) because they don't want everyone to know where the sheltered women live in order for them to be safe. So I was very scared, I don't know what to expect? Who am I going to live with? Are we going to be sleeping on cots with other people? Are there going to be drug addicts, and alcoholics? What kind of environment am I taking my child to? How can they help me? I don't know anything, and I am scared!! But I did contact them, they post 24 hours phone numbers, I was very uncomfortable with calling, I wanted to email them, it just feels safer to me. Until I develop some comfort with the person I am talking to, then I will call. But they don't have emails. So I contacted their Facebook page, I do not know who runs it for them. I just sent a private message, asking if someone can contact them via email, or is the phone the only source. They're reply was, "Why? tell us what the problem is, then we will refer you." these are not the exact words, but the gist of the message. So that was it for me, I got cold feet and got scared away. You have no idea the tremendous fear, and anxiety I went through to convince myself to contact them, and instead of giving me a secure email, they want me to spill my guts to "I don't know whom", and then might or might not be referred to someone. I mumbled an excuse to them, and couldn't sum up the courage to contact them again. Please try not to be harsh. It is not my fault I am weak, and pathetic. I was raised this way, and it is hard to break through. Some comments are very judgmental and hurtful. PS. I do live in a Western country. After I divorced my first husband, I left my home country. And this is were I met my current husband.
MJJean Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 If you continue doing nothing then you are deliberately choosing to remain dependant and in this dysfunctional "marriage". At that point it does become your fault. You are now aware that you can break free and live a better life. If you fail to do so you're choosing this for yourself and your son. By the way, the reason women's shelters don't do much via email is that emails leave evidence and also there is no way to know if they are talking to a woman seeking help or a man trying to locate an abused woman. The safety of the women is guarded carefully for good reason. 4
lemoncello Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 Alright, I do not expect everyone to understand my situation, it is hard for people who lived their life so independently to understand how hard it is for a person like me to seek independence. I have attempted to contact a women's shelter before. The problem that scares me, is they are very secretive (understandably so) because they don't want everyone to know where the sheltered women live in order for them to be safe. So I was very scared, I don't know what to expect? Who am I going to live with? Are we going to be sleeping on cots with other people? Are there going to be drug addicts, and alcoholics? What kind of environment am I taking my child to? How can they help me? I don't know anything, and I am scared!! But I did contact them, they post 24 hours phone numbers, I was very uncomfortable with calling, I wanted to email them, it just feels safer to me. Until I develop some comfort with the person I am talking to, then I will call. But they don't have emails. So I contacted their Facebook page, I do not know who runs it for them. I just sent a private message, asking if someone can contact them via email, or is the phone the only source. They're reply was, "Why? tell us what the problem is, then we will refer you." these are not the exact words, but the gist of the message. So that was it for me, I got cold feet and got scared away. You have no idea the tremendous fear, and anxiety I went through to convince myself to contact them, and instead of giving me a secure email, they want me to spill my guts to "I don't know whom", and then might or might not be referred to someone. I mumbled an excuse to them, and couldn't sum up the courage to contact them again. Please try not to be harsh. It is not my fault I am weak, and pathetic. I was raised this way, and it is hard to break through. Some comments are very judgmental and hurtful. PS. I do live in a Western country. After I divorced my first husband, I left my home country. And this is were I met my current husband. It sounds like you don't want to go to a women's shelter. Women's shelters are not the same as a 5-star hotel. They are temporary living arrangements for women who escape abusive home situations like yours. Who you and your child will be exposed to at a women's shelter is just other abused women and their children. Who knows what their habits are. Why does that even matter to you? You can't control the conditions of the women's shelters that you choose to go to. I agree with MJJean that if you continue to do nothing in the name of fear and helplessness, then you are deliberately choosing to remain dependent and abused by your husband and his brother. Do nothing. Expect nothing. Take a risk by calling the women's shelter, and they will help you because they are experts in these situations. Your husband can read your Facebook messages, so do not send a Facebook message again to a women's shelter. You need to call several and tell them your situation. You can ask them questions about the quality of the shelter, etc. You have no more excuses. The life of your child is at stake here. women's shelters are safe-havens for abused women and their children, and you need to stop acting like you are not capable. If you got into nursing school, you are an intelligent person. 3
kendahke Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 Alright, I do not expect everyone to understand my situation, it is hard for people who lived their life so independently to understand how hard it is for a person like me to seek independence. I have attempted to contact a women's shelter before. The problem that scares me, is they are very secretive (understandably so) because they don't want everyone to know where the sheltered women live in order for them to be safe. So I was very scared, I don't know what to expect? Who am I going to live with? Are we going to be sleeping on cots with other people? Are there going to be drug addicts, and alcoholics? What kind of environment am I taking my child to? How can they help me? I don't know anything, and I am scared!! But I did contact them, they post 24 hours phone numbers, I was very uncomfortable with calling, I wanted to email them, it just feels safer to me. Until I develop some comfort with the person I am talking to, then I will call. But they don't have emails. So I contacted their Facebook page, I do not know who runs it for them. I just sent a private message, asking if someone can contact them via email, or is the phone the only source. They're reply was, "Why? tell us what the problem is, then we will refer you." these are not the exact words, but the gist of the message. So that was it for me, I got cold feet and got scared away. You have no idea the tremendous fear, and anxiety I went through to convince myself to contact them, and instead of giving me a secure email, they want me to spill my guts to "I don't know whom", and then might or might not be referred to someone. I mumbled an excuse to them, and couldn't sum up the courage to contact them again. Please try not to be harsh. It is not my fault I am weak, and pathetic. I was raised this way, and it is hard to break through. Some comments are very judgmental and hurtful. PS. I do live in a Western country. After I divorced my first husband, I left my home country. And this is were I met my current husband. Your brother in law is not going to evaporate or open a can of "act right" and your husband isn't going to grow a pair and stand up to his shenanigans, so at some point, you need to pull up your big girl pants and do what you need to do in order to get control back in your life. Your only choice, outside of summoning up your courage to call the place and ask the questions you've put here, is to tolerate your BIL's bare a$$ in the front yard, him sneaking up on you in your room (or worse, the bathroom when you're taking a shower), him expecting you to cook for him, him making a mess and expecting you to clean it and your husband being cowered into silence and inaction by him. The shelter can't give you any information when they don't know what is required. They don't know you. You have to tell them something so they can refer you correctly. And you're spilling your guts here to "I don't know whom", so what's the difference? They can help you a lot more than we can in very tangible ways germane to your life. Women's shelters, especially those that shelter women from abusive situations, have other women with their children in there who are fleeing abusive situations. They aren't homeless shelters or squatters camps. No, they're not going to be the Ritz-Carlton, but you won't be subjected to your BIL in there; and they can put you in touch with resources in your area so that you can do what you need to do to get on your feet and working a job to take care of yourself. 1
darkmoon Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 (edited) shelters? fine short-term but do not vacate the marital home as you will get nothing in a divorce, because you will have chosen to leave please, relying on shelters' contacts to create a life for you, a new home, may well get you a dump of a home near a mediocre place of learning, the good stuff is more costly ask a lawyer about what payoff a spouse (you) is entitled to, you need cash, as shelters are short-term, but not long-term forever homes Edited June 30, 2015 by darkmoon 1
kendahke Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 re: Originally Posted by Arya-Stark Please try not to be harsh. It is not my fault I am weak, and pathetic. I was raised this way, and it is hard to break through. Some comments are very judgmental and hurtful. It is no one's intent here to be judgmental or harsh with you. What we are trying to do is to get you to take responsibility for yourself. In every post, you seem to come across as wanting someone else to do your heavy lifting for you--you want your brother in law to evaporate or your husband to flip into someone he's got no interest or intention on being. Both of them have a financial interest in the property they co-own. The time for a can of "act right" to have been opened by your husband was when he was thinking of marrying you. He needed to buy out his brother or have his brother buy him out-- or not marry you at all until this house mess was sorted out--before he went to get the marriage license. He chose not to do that and you chose to marry him knowing that this was his situation. It's a little late for anyone to be wishing that the brother would vaporize from his own home. What you have before you is what you have--not what you wished you had. The only thing we can tell you is if you're not willing or interested in putting some steel in your backbone and doing what you need to do to get out of your situation is that you'll have to learn to live peacefully in that situation until something changes with regards to the ownership of that house... and that might not happen for quite some time. You may not be at fault for the way you were raised, but seeing how you know that this is a liability to you getting what you need, you must own the mindset you are choosing to maintain and further, the inaction you are choosing to take. The people at the shelter will work with you, but you have to ask them for that help and that means calling them. They're not going to show up at your door and take you by the hand. If that bit of truth hurts, then hopefully it is the kind of hurt that encourages you to remove your hand from the hot stove top to keep from doing further harm to yourself. You have to save yourself. You have to get into the current and swim for your life. At some point in all of our lives, we've had to do things which we wished to the high heavens we didn't have to do, but it needed to be done. You do have the strength within you to make that crossing, but if you keep believing that you're weak and pathetic, you'll never put your toe into the water. 2
Scatty Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 If you are not going to take action, expect the same thing until you can save enough to move out after your degree (how many years/months left?) than you can expect the same. Your husband doesn't respect you and you have a third person in your marriage that he values more. 2
Praxit Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 ..gee whizz.. It's best to tell his brother in hard cold words, "Grow UP". Its time to move on. That brother needs to move on in life. If your husband has a problem with your understanding then you have serious issues that will be detrimental to your marriage. They always are especially with family. I felt the rush of anger just reading your story. First thing that came to mind was that movie, "You, me and Dupree". Its a comedy but hilarious to similar situations. Not implying that as pun, but in general. good luck... 1
kendahke Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 ..gee whizz.. It's best to tell his brother in hard cold words, "Grow UP". Its time to move on. That brother needs to move on in life. The brother co-owns that house. His name is on the mortgage. Why should he leave his own house? The onus isn't on him to leave his own home: the onus was on OP's husband to not marry a woman before he had sorted out ownership of that house first. He chose to not sort that out and to marry her and bring her into that environment, knowing his brother's hostility towards her. 3
Noirek Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 My advice to anyone in situations like this is "know your laws". Talk to a lawyer, they will do free consulatations and see where you stand financially. Where I live that house would be considered both you and your husbands and your BILs now even without you working and paying on the mortgage. Put your focus on figuring that out, work on your schooling and stand your personal ground would be my advice.
kendahke Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 (edited) she would only have 1/2 of her husband's half, not 1/3 ownership of the property because it was in their names before he married her--unless he's put her name on the deed, which I highly doubt he has. She has no legal claim on her BIL's half because she's not married to him. If she did, then renters could claim ownership of the units they rent just because they've lived in the property for a set amount of time. Edited July 1, 2015 by kendahke
elaine567 Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 ..gee whizz.. It's best to tell his brother in hard cold words, "Grow UP". Its time to move on. That brother needs to move on in life The BIL is in with the woodwork, it is basically his house. He is in control here, his brother is not fit to stand up to him, so he can do as he pleases. The OP is now the hired help, the BIL goes where ever he wants in HIS house, and he can show his backside off too whilst sunbathing, as he is in control. The master does not care if the servant is offended by his actions, he lives his life , and as long as what he is doing isn't against the law, then the servant has to put up or shut up. I guess there is no law against trying to get an all over tan, so the OP here has no legs to stand on with her complaints. Her husband wont or doesn't want to stand up for his wife here. If he comes from a traditional family then I doubt he even sees her points as being valid. 2
OldRover Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 Sorry but you really need to grow a set and step up to the plate. It's time to stop the enabling, and put an end to all of this crap. Who gives a rat's ass if he's snappy and sulks around the house because you don't cook for him. Going forward he is no longer invited to eat the dinner you prepared and you're not making him any more extra meals. If he tries to eat the food than yell at him and grab it from him if necessary. When he leaves his mess out on the counter, get in his face and scream at him to go clean it up or it's going into his bedroom- and followup on it. Dump all his dishes right on his bed or his floor. When he's suntanning nude go right up to his ass preferrably surprising him and start yelling at him. Etc. Etc. You need to make some noise and stop taking this sitting down. It's escalation time. If necessary you'll increase the conflict until you feel threatened and then you get a restraining order so he has to leave the house. Sounds extreme? This situation calls for extreme measures. You don't fight fire with fire.... really a bad option and will cause more distress.
OldRover Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 I wish we could. We cannot afford it. And now my hubby is mad at me, because he is stressed at his work, and he expects to come home to relax, but there is always an issue in the house. He is getting very stressed, and wants me to deal with it, and stop complaining.'' You can't afford NOT to.... This WILL kill your marriage, and you need to seriously talk to your husband. Your options are: Buy the brother in law out Sell your half to the brother in law and find your own place. or perhaps better yet, sell the house to someone else and split the money and move elsewhere. You and your hubby should start planning something now, and I'd argue to have the BIL move in with his GF, clean the house up, sell it. And find yourselves a place a bit of a distance away. You'll probably face more issues in the future. Also, sounds like you don't work... you may have to for awhile.
elaine567 Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 If this is the family home, neither brother will want to sell it.
Noirek Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 she would only have 1/2 of her husband's half, not 1/3 ownership of the property because it was in their names before he married her--unless he's put her name on the deed, which I highly doubt he has. She has no legal claim on her BIL's half because she's not married to him. If she did, then renters could claim ownership of the units they rent just because they've lived in the property for a set amount of time. Of course she would only have 1/4. However, depending on where she lives her name on the deed and her coming in after means squat after 8 years. That is why she needs to check her legal standing. Laws very from place to place.
OldRover Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 Of course she would only have 1/4. However, depending on where she lives her name on the deed and her coming in after means squat after 8 years. That is why she needs to check her legal standing. Laws very from place to place. This is not really a legal thing.... yet.... It's about the BIL, which HAS TO BE SOLVED WITHOUT A DOUBT. This will easily kill a marriage, and will NOT work. She needs to get her husband to understand, and, yes, either can force a sale. The BIL needs to move out NOW, or she needs to move out NOW. Whatever it takes. This is a horribly situation and I just can't imagine how one could put up with this for EIGHT YEARS!!!! I'd strongly argue for selling it and get a fresh start. You don't need bad memories, either.
Noirek Posted July 2, 2015 Posted July 2, 2015 This is not really a legal thing.... yet.... It's about the BIL, which HAS TO BE SOLVED WITHOUT A DOUBT. This will easily kill a marriage, and will NOT work. She needs to get her husband to understand, and, yes, either can force a sale. The BIL needs to move out NOW, or she needs to move out NOW. Whatever it takes. This is a horribly situation and I just can't imagine how one could put up with this for EIGHT YEARS!!!! I'd strongly argue for selling it and get a fresh start. You don't need bad memories, either. The OP seems to feel she has no choice but to stay in this situation. Finding out the legal side of things may help her stand her ground.
OldRover Posted July 2, 2015 Posted July 2, 2015 The OP seems to feel she has no choice but to stay in this situation. Finding out the legal side of things may help her stand her ground. You could be right, but if there's a divorce, it all depends on the state..... laws differ a lot. As for the house, the most she could get is the husbands interest, not the BILs interest. However, if there's no solution in the future, there's an argument to leave such a lousy situation. OP: Are you working?
wizer Posted July 2, 2015 Posted July 2, 2015 ..gee whizz.. It's best to tell his brother in hard cold words, "Grow UP". Its time to move on. Somehow I doubt that will be the least bit effective. You really think the brother will say "Ok, yes it is in fact time for me to grow up, I'm sorry I've been such a burden, I'll be going now". Right.. 1
kendahke Posted July 2, 2015 Posted July 2, 2015 Of course she would only have 1/4. However, depending on where she lives her name on the deed and her coming in after means squat after 8 years. That is why she needs to check her legal standing. Laws very from place to place. 1/4 will still always be less than 1/3 and as such, she still doesn't have the majority here to do squat, even if 8 years was invested in the marriage.
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