Do 'open relaionships' work for L/D love?

[Bunnylove]

What do people think about open relationships?

 

I have just come out of a LDR as the distance was too much for him. He is frustrated and craving attension and I can't be there. he has suggested an open relationship in the past but I said I couldnt do that. now a year later we have broken up but I'm finding that we are still madly in love and in touch every day. I want him back as maybe one day i will be in a place where I could move over to be with him....possibly marry him. But in the meantime I have suggested an open relationship so we can still be in love but he is free to see other women too if he nees to! I'm a bit scared though. I have tried to see other people in a casual way but I can't bring myself to sleep with them....it feels wrong as my heart is with someone else. For him he says he can be in love but still have sex with other people. I want to understand this. i want to stay with him and find a way to be ok with him being with other girls. he says it doesnt bother him if I have sex with another person but it would hurt him if i fell in love with another. i wish i could be as open as that! maybe that kinda mentallity is easier for a guy!?

 

what do you think people?

[LucreziaBorgia]

You will have to ask yourself why you are staying with this guy. Do you really want to be in a relationship with a guy who thinks its ok to sleep around and expose you to any number of STD's, or are you staying because you hope that he will one day change and want to be monogamous with you?

 

It sounds like you have to decide which guy you are really in love with: the real guy who will continuously cheat on you, or the imaginary guy you want him to be. When we fall in love, we are falling in love with two people: the real person, with all his flaws and the idealized version of him built from love/delusion that we carry in our hearts - the one who is 'perfect' and can do no wrong. This love for the ideal often allows us to overlook a very flawed individual who is anything but perfect for us. You keep thinking that he is one day going to be that ideal. He probably won't though - because you've already let him know that its ok for him to remain just the way he is. Why would he conform to a monogamous ideal when he's got the green light from his girlfriend to be promiscuous?

 

LDR's allow people to nurture that imaginary guy, and build him up with all sorts of positive traits that he simply does not have. It allows you to have a guy say to you "I'm going to sleep with other women" and have you think that its ok, even when you know that its not OK. "Love" has blinded you to the truth: that you are with a guy who is going to cheat on you, and has tricked you into thinking that there's nothing wrong with that. It has also blinded you to the fact that his emotional investment in you is far, far less than you think.

[faux]

Originally posted by Bunnylove

...I have tried to see other people in a casual way but I can't bring myself to sleep with them....it feels wrong as my heart is with someone else.

 

It is wrong to sleep with other people if you love one person.

 

For him he says he can be in love but still have sex with other people. I want to understand this.

 

If he loved you, and the two of you had a good relationship, he would not need anyone else. Understand that.

 

i want to stay with him and find a way to be ok with him being with other girls.

 

Good luck. I don't think normal people can be OK with that kind of thing.

 

he says it doesnt bother him if I have sex with another person but it would hurt him if i fell in love with another. i wish i could be as open as that! maybe that kinda mentallity is easier for a guy!?

 

what do you think people?

 

I think it was not wise for you to suggest an "open relationship". I don't think open relationships are true relationships. You bring yourself to many risks, as LucreziaBorgia mentioned above. Did you ever stop to think what would happen if your boyfriend contracted a STD from one of his new conquests? Or what if birth control is not as effective as it should be, something goes wrong, and your boyfriend becomes a father? How can it not bother you if he sleeps with other people?

 

If this man cannot remain faithful to you, then there is no reason to remain in a relationship with him at all.

[lindya]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

 

LDR's allow people to nurture that imaginary guy, and build him up with all sorts of positive traits that he simply does not have. It allows you to have a guy say to you "I'm going to sleep with other women" and have you think that its ok, even when you know that its not OK. "Love" has blinded you to the truth: that you are with a guy who is going to cheat on you, and has tricked you into thinking that there's nothing wrong with that. It has also blinded you to the fact that his emotional investment in you is far, far less than you think.

 

That sums it up perfectly.

 

Don't be deluded into sharing this guy's narcissistic belief that he is too special to be bound by the rules of fidelity that "ordinary people" try to apply to their romantic relationships. If he truly were so special, you wouldn't be feeling this pressure to invite him to have his cake and eat it. This guy is, in fact, so unspecial that you can walk into any crowded bar in any city in the world and find at least 25 of him without even trying.

[chubachoop]

Whatever your boyfriend tells you, men do not have "needs that they have to fulfill". If he feels he is not getting enough sex within a relationship with you then he should break up with you and find a local girl. If he really loved you he would just masturbate or look at some porn or something he wouldnt even suggest sleeping with other girls!!

 

You know open relationships are wrong so dont give in to the idea just because you are in love.

[Bunnylove]

What If? What if? what if?

 

I do have my concirns yes...me MIGHT catch something...he MIGHT have sex with other people or not....he MIGHT fall in love with someone else.....he MIGHT MIGHT MIGHT!!!!

 

relationships are hard but I'm beggining to think that relationships are not what they used to be. I have been reading messages from people about thier boyfriends cheating..thier HUSBANDS cheating...blah blahdy blah....I have heard it a million times over. Its happened to ME a million times over!

 

I would say that most women have had thier man cheat on them...so what to do? Go on male bashing?...men are cheating lieing weak bastards...blah blah blah...taking advice like "oh go dump him and find yourself a better boyfriend who treats you with respect"...blah blah....this has been going on with so many people for so long...and so many hearts broken that MAYBE just MAYBE thier is a way to NOT be like that!

 

I have to say that with my situation...we are 8 thousand miles apart...we see each other once every 3-4 months! we are crazy madly in love but not yet ready for marraige. Maybe one day we will have a miracle happen and we get to spend a bit more time than 3 frikin weeks together!

 

I love this man...and love is NOT posession....loving and being in love comes with pain and if you want only the good stuff... your gona get dissapointed right? it happens all the time!!!I do NOT agree with cheating or lieing in ANY form just to make that clear! But I am not suggesting he cheat or lie...what if he had the freedom to chose? What if he knew it was ok to do whatever is best for him and our relationship? I might be hurt if he choses to sleep with another but i would be expecting that in an open relationship! But at least I have MY choices too....am I gona be hurt so bad that I leave him? maybe! I have never done this before! But maybe I can learn to accept it1? All i know is I love him with all my heart and he loves me. At this moment we have ended the relationship...but...we are still finding that we LOVE each other so dam much and can't seem to lose contact. This man has brought sunshine into my life...spiritual awakening....sexual adventure and closeness...he knows me better than I know myself. And I know him....all his good and bad sides. I know the distance is hard for him. i know he is sexually frustrated. I know he wants to have sex with me...but i am not there! we dont know when we will even see each other again at this point..we are out of money and can't be flying back and forth all the time!

 

Rather than lose him completally I thought about suggesting an open relationship. No cheating..no lieing...having everything out in the open! BUT still remaining in love with each other...accepting the distance instead of fighting it! accepting his frustrations instead of fearing he will cheat on me. One main reason we used to fight is that I wouldnt trust him. I have to accept him for who he is ... I love him...truly love him. If we remain broken up he would be sleeping with other people anyway! thats his choice..his life..his journey...i have tought him to respect that women have feelings and hearts can be broken...so he must be carfull. Maybe I will talk to him about STD's etc..thats important too!

 

the one thing I do not want to lose is our love. i fear if we lose contact thier will be no hope. talking to him on the phone fills me with happyness and love...I dont want to lose that. I have to say that i can be a very closed minded person but he has opened me up so much over our time together...maybe this is another way to open up...be open minded as well as confronting my demonds. I have jeliously issues big time..and trust ones too. I do not want them to have my power any more. I feel maybe i can learn to deal with MY emotions by accepting them. Him sleeping with another women will hurt me BUT if thats what makes him happy i should be happy for him. As long as i have his heart..there is a chance we could make it and one day be together in a monogomous and happy relationship.

 

ps when we met and I found out we was quite typically primiscous...we both got tested for std's..f we were to be together again sexually...i would be doing the same!!

 

They say....if you hold something thats as delicate and precious as love too tight...you will suffocate it....and if you let a bird fly free...and he comes home to you...he is yours to keep forever. No matter what journey this man takes...I will always love him..as he is an incredible person with very human tendancies to make mistakes. They are his to learn...I don't belive its right to preach as your views ARE your own views. BUT maybe I can teach him by example?!

[Bunnylove]

Oh...have to add that he does watch porn...LOTS of porn to try and kep himself satisfied! For him though he is also missing human contact. Whaking off can be ok but it's still frustrating not be able to have sex..be touched...kiss...cudle...etc

 

When we were together I didnt want him going out with other women at all....he would go out to dinner/movies etc...as freinds...but it sounded weird to me so i made him stop. Unfortunetly his social life went into decline as most of his friends and collegues are female. He became lonely and depressed and I wasnt there. He decided to go out a few times with other women but not tell me...forcing him to lie. He felt it was ok to do it as friends but with my jeliousy it wasnt cool anymore. During the lieing stage he went out with a girl who was in a club one time and started to kiss him. He didnt stop her...this i considred cheating and nearly had a nervous brake down when i found out...over just a kiss!!! It was ALSO the fact that he lied to me for over 6 months about it....I found out through other means untill he admited it! I guess it proved to me that I could not control him and forcing him to do ANYTHING would only make him want to do it more. When someome says"whatever you do...don't push the red bottin"...what happens?

 

He belives in monogamy like I do, but is more open minded so monogamy with him becomes a choice not a must. But he says it's different in a long distance relationship and kissing that girl proved to him that he just couldnt handle it. He NEEDED to feel contact!

 

i tried kissing some other people too the other night...unfortunetally it did nothing for me and i only ended up thinking and missing daniel! I came home to talk to him and find comfort in the knowledge that he still loves me. Maybe thats why i'm thinking...well...maybe thats all that matters!?

[RecordProducer]

If he finds it normal to be in a committed relationship and sleep around that's EXACTLY what he's going to do once he gets married. It's not about lack of sex. It's about loyalty. It seems that he doesn't have any moral or emotional boundaries to cheat. After a few years of marriage, he will look for excitement and cheat. It's not like it'd be the first time.

[abadaba]

Oh dear.

 

"Love's not possession, let the thing you love fly away and it'll fly back to you etc etc ad nauseam". Dangerous old twaddle, I'm afraid. Yes - he'll keep in touch with you as long as the urge takes him. But when he meets someone who genuinely knocks his socks off, you'll be put firmly out of the picture unless/until that relationship ends. Why? Because anyone who has that effect on him will - unlike you- have the clout to lay down a few boundaries.

 

The truth is that you're not placing any demands on this man because he'll kick you out of his life in a heartbeat if you do. You can call that a lot of things, but I doubt you can call it a relationship.

[lindya]

Originally posted by abadaba

Oh dear.

 

"Love's not possession, let the thing you love fly away and it'll fly back to you etc etc ad nauseam". Dangerous old twaddle, I'm afraid. Yes - he'll keep in touch with you as long as the urge takes him. But when he meets someone who genuinely knocks his socks off, you'll be put firmly out of the picture unless/until that relationship ends. Why? Because anyone who has that effect on him will - unlike you- have the clout to lay down a few boundaries.

 

The truth is that you're not placing any demands on this man because he'll kick you out of his life in a heartbeat if you do. You can call that a lot of things, but I doubt you can call it a relationship.

 

That's a little bit harsh. It sounds like the main reason Lovebunny doesn't have the clout to lay down boundaries with this guy is because they live 8000 miles apart rather than because she doesn't "knock his socks off".

 

The main thing is that long distance relationships are just an awful lot of crap with the occasional, short-lived bout of bliss.

[Bunnylove]

But maybe there could be different boundaries? He says he just needs to be himself and I love him no matter what he does. I'm so sick of being jeloius and putting up boundaries with guys....no one likes being told what or what not to do. I think i was placing TOO many boundaries in our relationship. He felt restricted. That time he kissed that other girl broke my heart and I couldnt stop going on about it for months. Every time I felt insecure i brought it up! I'm sick of men lieing and cheating and I want to learn to be more at ease that his love for me is enough. If things remained the way they were and he slept with another women i would have been completally devistated! I want to be able to control and take care of my emotions! I want to be more open minded. He has payed for what he done...I made sure of that! he has felt guilt to the point where he didnt like himself anymore and became depressed. We are broken up now and he is happy to have the freedom to be himself. I'm not sure its just about sex...its about feeling free. JUST cause your in an open relationship doesnt mean to ARE going to sleep around. But it does mean that your free to choose what you want. You are also free to continue loving the person you are with. My main concirn is if he fell in love with someone else and he says he is DEFINETLY NOT looking for love...he still loves me!!!

 

I also have to say that an open relationship would not be an option to either of us if we were living in the same country!!! with this kind of situation...its different. we spend months apart and only a few weeks together.

 

I dont want to lose my love for him or him for me! I dont WANT to just leave him for another guy. AT least im free to if i want to...and he wouldnt judge me for it! So maybe I need to stop judging him for being a guy who wants to have sex...cant do it with his lover....so is free to do it elsewhere if he needs to!?!

[chubachoop]

is it always gonna be long distance or do u plan to move to the same city one day?

[chubachoop]

sorry. i just read it again and it said maybe one day youll be in a place to move near him.

 

You get jealous, you suffer insecurities. Those feelings will continue if you have an open relationship. Actually i bet theyll get worse. Hell be out dating girls sleeping with them maybe. You will get insecure and jealous. Just because you arent setting boundaries, just because you are allowing him to be free, you will still suffer jealousy. You cant just shut your feelings off. So you could ruin your relationship because you are jealous. If you two are in love as you say you are, if you are meant to be then I believe you will get back together when the time is right (ie when you live in the same town, when your both older and ready for marriage) If you break up and remain friends, both be free to sleep with, date, whomever you want you will get back together if it is meant to be.

 

Having an open relationship just means he is free to do what he wants but has the security of knowing you are waiting for him. Sorry but nobody deserves to have that.

[Bunnylove]

At the moment we are broken up. I have said to him that I'm not giving up and I would CONSIDER an open relationship if I must. He hasnt got back to me about that. To be honest i don;t see how there would be much difference. we ARE broken up and free to see other people..BUT we are still in love with each other...we are in contact everyday. I stopped that at first but we missed each other! I asked him to stop telling me he loves me and stop calling me honey/baby..etc. I was confusing...but at the moment we are back to square one. We can't help ourselves. We lately have been having phone sex and he still calls me baby/honey and I like it...he says he still loves me and me him and I like it. I like knowing he still loves me and I see no reason to stop that and I have tried to move on but i can't i still love HIM and he likes that too! We are still in love...still in contact but we are broken up. It's as if we ARE in an open relationship. I cannot stop him sleeping with another women anymore...we have no holds on each other....but if another women comes along and he i still in love with me and has ME on the brain then maybe she wont be enough for him...he will come back to me! but if we were in an open relationship it would be the same...but the boundaires would be MUCH further back...for example we could agree that kissing and sex were ok but only on a one night stand basis...no dating other people as it leads to feelings...anyway thats just an example...ive never done this before so i wouldnt know how to start. i DONT want him sleeping with other women but there is NOTHING i can do about that now but just accept it as we are broken up. So why not exept it for 'now' untill we can find a miravle and one day be together?

[chubachoop]

I can see where your coming from and if you think it will work then good luck but lets forget about him meeting other women, you have the same freedom right?

So you agree one night stands only. What happens if you go out one night and you meet a guy who has all the qualities you love about your (ex) boyfriend, plus he lives in your town and he is totally available to you and only you, he feels no need to be free or date other women. You have a one night stand with him and you really like him. What will you do? say, "sorry i cant see you again cause I have a boyfriend 8000 miles away and we have made an agreement that we only have sex with another person once"?

 

Only you can make the decision but if you are gonna be free surely you should be totally free and then one day a few years down the line you and he could get back together. you dont need a miracle, you have no need to lose contact. I could get back in contact with any one of exes right now and ask them back out (as if tho!! lol) Also if he knows your not waiting around for him and he knows you are willing to try sleeping with other men he may suddenly decide that he does wanna be with you and only you..

[Bunnylove]

God!

 

you are right!! its funny cause im home late and a lil drunk and stoned but STILL i can see that youre right! I think i'm just going through the 'denial' stage of the brake-up! and you know...I'm not sure if im ready to be repeatedly hurt when i get get over him in 6 months and then be happy again. I just hate breaking up and i'm findidn any way possible to hold onto what we had! I love so much!

 

guess that doesnt mean he is right for me though!

 

tahnx for the support and clarity!

 

very wise person

 

xoxo

 

ps thats...thats my new aim...to make HIM jelous for a change! lol

[HoldOn]

People say that love can conquer everything and all you need is love. Well, that's not true. You also need committment and shared goals and values. You can love someone and not be in a relationship with them.

 

But as long as he is available to sleep with other people, that is not a relationship.

 

Hey, you guys might be perfect for each other, who knows. But with 6 billion people on the planet, you can bet there's another man who is even more perfect than him. How will you know? Well, he won't break up with you, for one. He won't consider sleeping with other women, for another.

 

If a man really loves you he would either deal with the distance OR move closer. the end.

 

Men do have sexual needs, that's true. But it's nothing that masturbation can't solve.

[chubachoop]

yeah you go girl! hehe

 

good luck

[Love2share]

How will you know? Well, he won't break up with you, for one. He won't consider sleeping with other women, for another. If a man really loves you he would either deal with the distance OR move closer. the end.

This is so sad, but it's soooo true. I did the LDR thing many times before. Just like you, Bunny, I agreed to the open relationship thing as a last resort when all the boundaries had been broken by my XBF.

 

...anyone who has that effect on him will - unlike you- have the clout to lay down a few boundaries.

The truth is that you're not placing any demands on this man because he'll kick you out of his life in a heartbeat if you do.

While I was sitting around waitng for him to realize how much I love him and how perfect I am for him, one of the new girls he started dating became bold and set a few boundaries of her own for his relationship with me. Guess what? She demanded he end all contact with me. Since I was so far away from him and our relationship was open, I had no right to set any boundaries.

 

You can't base your agreement to an open relationship on the fact that you will only have one night stands (if you get sexual with other people). There are too many people, especially women, who will not agree to that type of arrangement. I happen to know for a fact, when my XBF became involved with the particular woman I've mentioned above, he had every intention of making her a one night stand. However, she became obsessed with him after that first night. Months later he broke up with her and tried to come back to me, but she harrassed us so much that we had problems because of her. I ended up breaking up with him a second time, in order to give him enough space to settle things with her. That was years ago. They are still together. And he is still committed to her boundaries. Not mine.

 

If you choose to allow other people to become involved with your relationship, you MUST accept that those peoples feelings will also become an issue for you as well. Open relationships are not relationships. And they are terrible when you love each other.

[Bunnylove]

Thanx.

 

Reading that post gave me pains in my stomach. He suggested an open relationship when we were still together (about half way through) as he was getting sexually frustrated. At that point neither of us knew when we were going to see each other again. I thought about it but declined. He DID want monogamy but i found out later that at this point he had kissed another girl. He knew right then he couldnt trust himself and was very angry and frustated he couldnt be with me physically.

 

Over a year later we have now broken up and he is free and single. The thought repluses me that he could go sleep with another women when he is still in love with me...I couldnt do that!!! As to open relationships...he says that HE can go have sex with another women and not have feelings for her...(unlike me). My suggestion was that we set a boundary there..that maybe it was only one night stands aloud! I dont think open relationships are about NO boundaries...i just think they are moved to a different place...sometimes you have to adjust for the sake of making the relationship survive...those boundaries may not ALWAYS be the same and they can move back and forth to help the relationship grow. I belive that open relationships CAN work if the two people are cool with it.

 

Many of you are so against it....I can see why though...and i have read and thought and felt and I DONT want an open relationsip...i never did...I just wondered if I could try and deal with it so I can continue with Daniel.....but your right....I would STILL have to trust that it was ONLY sex and nothing became compliacted as it did with you. Welll I didnt trust him in the first place anyway. I dont want that....I guess i'm gona try and be brave and actually move on. I want to be happy and if that takes 6 months of tears then I'll try. Its like comming off drugs or somn....i dont wana lose his love or mine for him. But i cant deal with him sleeping around...its the reason why we broke up in the first place!

[Bunnylove]

To add another point...I think if he agreed to get back with me but was free to shag other women...I would lose all my self respect!

 

God...we are such complicated creatures

[Fun2BMe]

If a man is ok with being in an open-relationship, doesn't it mean he doesn't love the woman he is with in the relationship?

 

Why are men more ok with it than women? Usually the women who are "ok" with it are only putting up and tolerating the situation as a means to please the man or else they fear they will be losing him. They know that if they say "no" to the open-relationship, he will either leave her or cheat behind her back.

 

Does that mean the man is a cheater, doesn't love the woman he is with in the relationship or what? Because when he meets another woman who will not put up with it, he will stop for her and in an instant have no hesitations to leave the other girl in the "relationship" who was doing a favor by alllowing him the open-relationship.

[HoldOn]

Hey maybe men can have sex without feelings.... (I'm not a guy, how would I know.),

 

But the man I love would not want to have sex unless he had strong feelings for the person.

 

 

Men aren't animals. they can be held to a human standard.

[chubachoop]

Women can have sex without feelings as well as men, I have in the past. All I know is when you love somebody you dont even want to have sex with another person.

 

Bunny, i think your making the right decision moving on. It is hard now but it will be ok. I remember when i broke up with my ex, in the summer i thought id never get over it, ive practically forgotten him now

[Fun2BMe]

Women can have sex without feelings too, which comes back to the point that if a man is ok with an open-relationship, then he just doesn't love the girl he is with. If the girl is ok with an open-relationship, it is because she does love him and is scared she'll lose him if she says no.

 

Woman can have sex without feeling love towards someone but can't anymore once they are in love with someone else, whereas a man can be in love with a woman and sitll have no problem having sex with a million other women.

 

This means that men don't love as deeply as woman do which also explains why almost ALL of them are cheaters.