Do 'open relaionships' work for L/D love?

[chubachoop]

I know alot of women who are cheaters. I know women who want to be in open relationships. Men do love as deeply as women but maybe, sadly in bunny's case her man doesnt.

[lindya]

Men are ok with it provided they're certain that their partner isn't. I had a boyfriend like that. He'd wax lyrical about the benefits of open relationships and tell me repeatedly that he wanted to experience as much as possible in life. He'd beam on about wanting me to experience things too, and on that basis he didn't mind at all if I wanted to sleep with other guys.

 

The whole issue resulted in us having "a break". After several weeks of that break he called up to find out whether I wanted to catch up that weekend. I couldn't because I had a date. I underplayed it because I didn't want to upset him or seem like I was playing games, but it was a pretty exciting date - and guys are as intuitive as us when it comes to knowing whether there's a sexy rival on the scene. The laid back "sleep with another guy - it'll be good for you" approach disappeared quite miraculously.

 

And by the way, he was right - sleeping with another guy did turn out to be very good for me

[squirrelly]

If a man really loves you he would either deal with the distance OR move closer. the end.

 

unless he's in Iraq? What's his situation?

 

Men do have sexual needs, that's true. But it's nothing that masturbation can't solve.

 

As bright as saying women do have emotional needs, but that's nothing romance novels can't solve. (Sighs, prepares to deploy cliche:) people need people. Men and women.

 

This means that men don't love as deeply as woman do which also explains why almost ALL of them are cheaters.

 

Some insight for me please, then.

 

One ex wanted an open relationship because she felt she had to without seeming hypocritical. See, she was still married.

 

One ex wanted an open relationship because she believed that committing to one guy would just lead to a breakup, and she couldn't have that! So, she vowed to date / sleep with whoever struck her fancy.

 

One ex wanted an open relationship and I asked her if she was seeing anyone else. She said no. I found out later the plumber's truck was always in her driveway for more reasons than leaky pipes, so to speak.

 

Yet another ex wanted an open relationship because she was engaged. Didn't want to break it off with him just in case I didn't work out for her (I didn't).

 

Ex number five that wanted an open relationship had a friend that she wanted to turn into a boyfriend. He wasn't interested, but she was determined to work on that, and I was fun in the meantime.

 

Number six... ( Yeah! No kidding! Six women, that's almost half! ) just craved attention, be it positive or negative. She got it when she started juggling two of us. We didn't like each other beforehand, but we hated her more after everything was done.

[RecordProducer]

Bunnylove, you're applying the theory "If you can't beat them join them!", but it will make you very unhappy. It's better to dump a cheater and be unhappy than suffer in a relationship with someone who sleeps around. There ARE men who don't cheat.

[HoldOn]

As bright as saying women do have emotional needs, but that's nothing romance novels can't solve.

 

Actually how about a phone call from your SO, that would solve my emotional needs. Just as much as a hand-job could solve his sexual needs.

 

People can be single for years at a time, so why can't they do it when their SO's are out of town. Come on. Cheaters may think they love their SO, but they don't love them enough! A cheater doesn't love his SO in the way they DESERVE to be loved.

 

 

Sounds like all your ex'es who wanted open relationships were either crazy or cheating on you. Either way, they didn't love you "enough."

[Bunnylove]

In the defence of my ex....he mentioned an open relationship because we live 8 thousand miles apart and see each other maybe every 3-4 months for only 3 weeks at at time (if lucky)...we had fallen in love and wanted to make it work...but the distance was frustrating for him...he is extreemly sexual....before he met me he was dating one girl while sleeping with two other...the girl he was dating didnt mind him sleeping around but she was hurt when he met me and wanted to commit to me...one of the other girls was just wanting a shag from time to time...the third girl was a freind of his that was in an open relationship and fancied him so they would shag occassionaly.

 

When he mentioned the open relationship...just to remind you..he had already kissed another girl but it never went any further...he felt extreemly guilty...but he knew he wasnt handling not seeing me for months on end. I could understand to a certain degree and considered an open relationship over night...but it wasnt for me and declined. He says he felt so releived that we could talk openly about it and that I was open enough to consider it...he never felt the need to cheat again! And he didnt!

 

This time is different...i want him back so much I was considering asking him to get back with me in an open relationship! It wasnt HIM that suggested it. But he never got back to me about it....he says he was unhappy the way things were....we have no money left and I need to get on with my life....I can't make him wait forever!!! But really thinking about it...we were not meant to be....the fact that he is so sexual and flrity and looks at other women...goes out wih them....and kissing that girl...and HIDEING it and LIEING about it...makes me think....i can NEVER trust him...I never did. When we met...he was dating that girl....but never told me about her...i was only menat to be a summer fling..not a long distance love...but then we fell in love and i got a ticket over....he told me then about her and by that time already slept with her AFTER meeting me and telling me he loved me. It was a bad start and the trust fell apart within weeks of knowing him. I should have ended it then!

 

Anyway...he always sais that a long distance relationship is not your usual relationship..there for you must treat it different to make it work! we harldy ever see each other and he has women comming onto him every week!!! it was frustrating for him and almost impossible to remain monogamous to someone who wasnt there. he says if i were there, there would never be an issue of open relationship! i would BE there and there would be so issue of cheating either!

 

Anyway i just wanted to point out the distance factor!

 

I love him but I dont trust him....I tried to...and tried to be open to knew things...and you know...I'm quite proud of myself for trying to be so open...but its not for me! i am very much about sex between two people that love each other....experiencing that with him...the closeness...it makes me NEVER want to have caual sex again...its not fullfilling to me! I want sex to be about an expression of love. Its just a pity that he finds it so easy to have casual sex after what we had! I couldnt take him back if he HAD slept with another....it would be on my mind all the time and hurt like hell! i want to be free of hurt!

 

Its at its end now...I have NO idea if he has slept with another..i dont want to know!

Time to find a guy who is maybe a bit more like me...bit more black and white about it....someone that BELIVES in monogamy and wants nothing less! somone that not only IS loyal but ACTS loyal..even when Im not there!

 

i wana learn to trust again....but these forums i guess have me thinking that you cant trust men..or at least men cant trust their penis'!

 

 

I also wana say that in the case of men V women on these matters...i think women are naturally very loyal and can go longer periods without sex. It CAN be frustrating but I think it might be worse for a guy! They are sexually driven and get themselves into trouble causr they just cant help themselves!

 

SHOULD we just join them?...or continue to be cheated on? or keep dumping men untill we find someone who HOPFULLY does WANT to cheat and DOESNT cheat! What if your married already? Are you not meant to make it work no matter what? CAN men be loyal to one women for a lifetime? seems unlikely in the day and age where men get to experience sleeping around so freely!

[HoldOn]

I love him but I dont trust him

 

good for you for recognizing that. Next time you start dating someone you can look for signs that he's a flirt before you even start dating him and fall in love. YOu can learn from your mistakes now girl, don't let it go to waste.

[RecordProducer]

Kewl! You know he will never be faithful to you and you're ready to put up with it. Good for you both. See, if he cheated on his ex with 2 other girls then it's not the lond distance that he can't bear. It's fidelity that he has problems with.

Hope you won't get any STD.

Oh, and very wise of you to be with someone you don't trust. I think this guy is really in love with you and would do anything for you! But not that you care... as long as he gives you the crumbs, you're happy.

Good luck! (you definitely are going to need it)

[HoldOn]

it's not the lond distance that he can't bear. It's fidelity that he has problems with.

 

exactly

[SueBee3490]

HoldOn - I agree with you.

 

My H and I had a LD relationship. He cheated on me (behind my back) and cheating didn't even cross my mind. We had a good relationship - sex was good, etc. etc. I loved him with all my heart.

 

You stated above for bunnylove to look for the "flirt" in her next relationship. Believe me, my H was not the flirt at all!! He was rather laid back and shy. Just the type of guy I would have never imagined would cheat. He would tell me I was great, blah, blah. I remember thinking I had this great guy and so happy that he didn't flirt with other women (unlike past bfs). Well he pulled the wool over my eyes - we actually dated 2 1/2 yrs then married. I didn't find out about his cheating until after marriage. He claimed he cheated because he was "scared" about moving (he did move to my homestate). Well that excuse was good enough for me. He was just a cheat.

 

I think you will do better for yourself if you get out of the relationship now. Please don't make the mistake I made. I did find out about his dating 1 woman when we were 1 1/2 into the relationship. I made the mistake of believing him when he said he "made a mistake and really loved me and wanted to hold onto me." I trusted him and believed in him - and I got burned. If I were to go back now, I would have broke off with him then and saved myself all this heartache.

 

SueBee

[Bunnylove]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

Kewl! You know he will never be faithful to you and you're ready to put up with it. Good for you both. See, if he cheated on his ex with 2 other girls then it's not the lond distance that he can't bear. It's fidelity that he has problems with.

Hope you won't get any STD.

Oh, and very wise of you to be with someone you don't trust. I think this guy is really in love with you and would do anything for you! But not that you care... as long as he gives you the crumbs, you're happy.

Good luck! (you definitely are going to need it)

 

 

First of all...he DIDNT CHEAT on his ex...the girl he was DATING was not his girlfriend!!!

 

They were DATING but not commited to each other...he liked her but was not in love with her but enjoyed her company...guess they were like **** buddies! SHE was fine with him sleeping casually with other women but was hurt when he fell in love with me and he ended it with her! he was honest with HER but not me...i didnt know he was dating anyone when I met him! He admited being selfish and having his cake and eating it but he wanted to make a go of it with me and comit fully to me...which he did. Kissing that girl was his second 'mistake' and things went real bad after that! We went through a messy ending but still remain friends and are admitedly still in love!!!

 

I am NOT ready to be cheated on or take crumbs and I resent that opinion! If you love someone and you really want it to work...you can learn to forgive!!! I guess i couldnt! And YES he did love and and still does...he is just selfish...as are most people are!

 

I will probably get myself checked for std's though just in case there is more I dont know!!! I did TRY to trust him...you CAN learn to forgive but it takes time and commitment...the reason i couldnt move on was is behavior with women (even if he wasnt cheating) led me to belive he was still interested in other women!!

 

He admits he 'loves' women...enjoys their company and of course thier bodies...im guessing ALL men think that way but he was too obvious about it and it hurt me and made me trust him even less!

 

Anyway its over now! But some of these opinions are a bit harsh...if everyone is so bitter about men and thier ways...how can we ever be happy?

[SueBee3490]

I think it looks like opinions are harsh because they are when you've been cheated on. I can only speak for myself here.

 

I can't think of anything in my life that hurt me more than when the man I loved so much, trusted so much, and envisioned living the rest of my life with turned around and stabbed me in the back by cheating. Nothing compares! Both my parents died of cancer a month apart, my ex and I divorced after he gambled and drank away money that was supposed to support us, and my ex died of leukemia even though we were divorced, he is the father of my 3 kids so I dealt with my kids' pain at losing a father, and none of the pain associated with any of these events sent me into a tailspin and depression like the heartache of finding out the man I loved was cheating on me. I couldn't even function. I was on anti-depressant medicine and seeing a counselor. I cried constantly and the images of him with other women flooded by mind constantly. I wondered all the time "what was wrong with me?" and only until the counselor drilled it into my head that it wasn't me, but it was his choice and his alone to cheat, would I ever begin to heal. I now know that it wasn't me, he would have done this, whether he was with me or any other woman.

 

I don't think all men are cheats - I know there are some out there that don't cheat. We just put up walls when this happens, to save ourselves from being hurt again. Just because I would rather not forgive and forget doesn't make me bad either. In my mind, the betrayal and cheating were a big relationship buster. If he wanted to date others, he could have come to me and told me. The reason he didn't was because he didn't want to give me the same opportunity to date other men. I would have a lot more respect for him if he had been honest. I gave him a 2nd chance after he went out with the woman 1 1/2 yrs into our relationship. He swore he wouldn't do that again because he saw how much that hurt me. So what does he do? He just continues to cheat and hopes that I wouldn't find out - but I did.

 

I don't think I will stay married to him, I am just trying to get on my feet financially so I can get out on my own. I have 2 kids left at home and my oldest out on her own. He tells me he's not cheating now but will I ever know for sure? No - I don't trust him and probably never will again. I know that I can find a man that doesn't believe in cheating no matter how rough the road is (which is my belief) and we can get through it together. Cheating is never an option. I would NEVER put a man through the pain I've felt by cheating on him.

 

Life is too short to be unhappy.

[Bunnylove]

I'm so sorry for all your pain...I can understand how it hurt! when i found out about the first intance we went through so much pain he says he would never want to put ME OR US through that again....he promised me...swore on his mothers life...so i decided to give him a second chance. When I found a card from that girl round about xmas time...he lied about it initially untill I made out that I could handle it...so he told me they kissed.....I was so hurt it was unbelivable....I remember it was the night before I was going to meet his family for the first time....we went to LA first thing the next day to meet them for thanksgiving. It was a hard and lonely time....but I found that we still loved eachother and were great together despite this mistake...but the trust was gone....my dad says to me once a bottle is broken..no matter how hard you try to put it back together...it will never be the same! i dont even want to say what happened to me after I found out!

 

Thinking back I think i had some kinda breakdown! This happens allot...men cheating on women...having their fun and braking hearts! I wish it would stop but its extreemly common. I guess I spent time wondering if there is another way to deal with it besides braking up and finding another great guy...who might just do the same thing! I'm thinking that you didnt cope with the cheating so well...like me....but i might consider some councelling (for myself) as this happens alot to me and I never deal with it well and can cause myself great damage when it does happen!

 

Seems you can never tell when you meet a guy whether he will cheat or not....you just have to jump in the deep end and wait to find out! i know i deserve loyalty but I WANT to forgive...for my own sake....i think you should too...dont hold onto that pain and become bitter. The way I'm gona learn to forgive is to wait for the pain to go...easier now we have broken up..and eventually learn to understand!

 

DONT blame yourself though...maybe it wasnt about you or the relationship...maybe it was just what he was going through...maybe its the person he choses to be? councelling would help you both if you want to understand but to be honest you have been through so much and he sounds very unsupportive and uncaring, at least in my last relationship i can still find the good and learn from the bad! He was despite his flaws...a wonderfull man.....we were not not right for each other!

[HoldOn]

I don't think all men are cheats either. In fact I think there are warning signs. I think that there are things you should look for before you allow yourself to fall in love with a person.

 

Obviously, I DON"T think that you can always predict when someone will cheat. But I do think there are things you can look for:

 

For example:

-If he is capable and more than willing to have a FWB.

-If he doesn't equate sex with a committed relationship (i.e. like your bf bunnylove, who was having sex with several women at once.)

-If he often talks to women he doesn't know in bars.

-If he is out all night drinking with buddies.

-If he dated another woman 1.5 years into your relationship.

-If his father or mother cheated, or his parents are divorced.

-If he is sometimes "unavailable" to talk to you...

 

there are many signs, I am just saying that women (and men) should try to get into relationships with their eyes open! Hold back on your feelings for the first couple weeks of dating until you can analyze his behavior with your head and not your heart.

 

I hope this makes some kind of sense, and I think it is totally possible. I am not saying that you can prevent cheating by your partner, in any way. I am NOT saying that. I'm just saying that you shouldn't turn off your brain as soon as you like somebody.

[Bunnylove]

Hmmm...maybe your right...about having your eyes open thing! I always say that to myself though after a break up...but its like having a hangover and saying you will never drink again!

 

Its not often I meet a guy I like and so its hard NOT to get overly excited and jump straight into a 'happy ending' scene! Also I dont think ill get into a long distance relationship again....its too painfull! I was just so into his accent though he wasnt easy to resist! and him being so differentfrom guys here...it was refreshing!

 

I'm the sort of person that gets swept away and I give all of my self to something I think could be magical. But with that comes dissapointments. I think it would be hard to STOP myself from having feelings though. Also when you first meet a guy and he is so wonderfull...you cant just go asking him whether he is the sort of guy to cheat on you...or what he is like with other women! Sometimes you just got jump in and find out for yourself!

 

But Im thinking after what you said it would be better to 'test' the water before jumping in!

 

I have also learned though that with love and relationships comes pain and dissapointment. Its the way it works. And to truley love someone is to love all things about them! You can't expect things to always be perfect...you have to accept the pain too...but be able to work together to solve issues! Daniel (my ex) was like that and we had great communication....we wouldnt fight like most couples do....but instead discuss how we can fix things...he never judged me like I did him!

 

Oh god I still love him..its only been a few weeks....still I'm guessing he is already sleeping around which makes me not respect him and makes me thing he didnt respect me OR other women!

 

WHEN am i gona get over this!

[SueBee3491]

Bunny & Holdon,

 

So true!!! Keep your eyes open! I'm like bunny in that I think I got so excited at meeting this "ideal" man, that I closed my eyes. I was divorced and raising my 3 kids all by myself so that when I met my H, I had already been alone for 5 years! I dated a few others, nothing worked out. When he came along (via the internet), I thought I met PRince Charming. We started out chatting every night then moved to talking on the phone every night. Sometimes I'd talk to him in the morning and night. Since he lived in Kansas and me in Illinois, I only saw him every 2 - 3 wks. But I trusted him completely. He was not the type who ever went into bars, he never went out drinking with friends. He's a big hunter so he and brothers/friends do go hunting alot. Hunting seemed harmless as far as meeting other women so I didn't mind.

 

I also like Bunny will never get into a LDR again. I learned my lesson! We talked about waiting 5 yrs or so down the road until all our kids had graduated high school before either of us making a move. I was fine with that then HE found a house in my hometown for sale and we bought it. The rest is history. We married and I didn't find out about these women until after getting married. He even was with another woman he'd chatted with on the computer (she was also from KS) just 3 wks before marrying me! He didn't tell me about his cheating, I snooped on the computer when something in my head told me "he's up to something". Thats when I found his secret email account and all the flood of emails, chats, etc. came flooding out! That was over 2 yrs ago.

 

Now I'm at a point where I've stewed on this for 2 yrs and all I feel for him is disgust and contempt. I really loved him so much. I do have a question for HoldOn or Bunny or anyone else....

 

We talked about having your eyes wide open in relationships and I wish I would have read more into his going out with that woman when we were 1 1/2 yrs into our relationship. He could have went out with others at that time, she's just the one I know about. Anyway, I forgave him for that - he cried about being so far away from me and I was pushing him away, blah blah. I wasn't "pushing" him away, I was taking things slow because I had been married before and had 3 kids I needed to consider if I were to marry him so I was scared. I didn't want to lose him I was just being more cautious. Now on to the question.....

as I said I forgave him for that and told him how hurt I was and that I'd never live through that again. Do you think most people like him that are "once a cheater, always a cheater" is true? He tells me he wouldn't cheat being married, but I just don't know when to believe him. I'm trying to have my eyes wide open now and I'm scared if I give him "another chance", he'll use me again!

 

Bunny you and I are alot alike and I will say that even though your bf wanted an open relationship - at least he told you. Then the ball's in your court for you to decide what to do. Mine didn't even give me that chance because he was selfish and didn't want me to date around and maybe find someone else. I'm sorry you are hurting now but I think you will be better in the long run. I'm married and I'm miserable. I wish I would have kicked him to the curb back when I found out what he was truly like.

 

Suebee

[HoldOn]

I am on my way out. But I have one suggestion for getting over him..

 

Fill your life with other things, start another hobby like horseback riding or join a running league or softball league. Put yourself in situations where you'll meet tons of new people! Just get out and do it! You'll be over him in no time!!

 

And make a list of "necessary qualities" and "deal breakers"

 

Don't "fall" in love... Make a decision to love somebody based on their qualities....

[SueBee3490]

I typed a large post to you guys - I don't feel like retyping it again. I don't know where it went??

 

Good advice HoldOn - I will follow that with future prospects.

 

I'm much like Bunny in that I fall "head over heels" for a guy and dismiss his bad qualities. Cheating on your SO is a very bad quality and should have been a huge red flag. It should have hit me over the head but I was too much in love and stupid to see it. I won't again.

 

At least the good that came of this relationship is that I will have my eyes wide open next time.

 

SueBee

[SueBee3490]

I often think of the saying....

 

"Better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all."

[HoldOn]

I'm the sort of person that gets swept away and I give all of my self to something I think could be magical. But with that comes dissapointments. I think it would be hard to STOP myself from having feelings though. Also when you first meet a guy and he is so wonderfull...you cant just go asking him whether he is the sort of guy to cheat on you...or what he is like with other women! Sometimes you just got jump in and find out for yourself!

 

We all want love to be an amazing magical thing. A fantasy. I had that with my ex, it was like an all emcompassing love, but guess what? It was a fantasy. It was a fairy tale. It wasn't real!

 

I was really sad when we broke up because I found out that love doesn't conquer all. And because I found out that this fantasy of obsessive love wasn't true.

 

But now that I "make decisions" to love, my love is deeper and stronger and it is not a fairy tale.

 

If you stop making decisions for yourself, someone will come along and make them for you. You are the only one who should be making decisions for yourself.

 

So, next time love comes around, hold back, just for a little while. Find out what he's really like before you fall in love with who you think he is.

[Bunnylove]

Yeah I understand and I will learn from this to find out more about a person before jumping in. In this case we met! and 3 days later he was gone! We wernt really planning on seeing each other again due to the distance but we wanted to give it a try!

 

I actually wrote him yesterday telling him that maybe its best we stop communication as I can't bare the thought of him going back to his single life and sleeping around. I guess thats the kind of man he is...he loves sex and women! I wished I could stop that behavior in him but he was brought up to belive it was ok! To be honest I blame his mum for some of this! Althogh she is exteemly lovely...she loved him too much and didnt make an effort to talk to him about that kind of behavior. Instead of blaming him for cheating on me she was mad at him for TELLING me! She has been married 20 years but she says she has no idea whether her husband has been faithfull to her...she says she doesnt want to know...its better that way! I AM NOT HER though...and i find it was unfair to bring him up to think that mistakes are ok but its best to cover them up! Of course he never told me about him cheating...I had that thing...women's intuition or something...a gut feeling...i went through his things only to find a card from a girl that was going on about feelings and boundaries! When i asked him about it he lied and sais it was just some girl in class that has a crush on him..thats all...found out later he lied...he evetually told me. The REASON i cant go back to him is more to do with the lieing than anything else. I think if a man can stomach cheating on his women...THEN go on to lie about it and get away with it...he knows he can do it again!

 

Suebee....trust your gut on this one ok! EVERYONE is capable of cheating in some form...we are human and can make mistakes....I for one have never cheated cause I dont think I could deal with the guilt! your man HAS cheated and maybe he has learnt for himself that he doesnt want to be that kinda guy! maybe he hasnt leaned at all! you can't MAKE him learn...his life is his journey and he makes his choices based on what is best for HIM! If he feels being faithfull in order to make your relationship work he might be willing to be totally commited. However...i heard some scarey statistic the other day. If a man cheats on his wife...and she finds out and gives him another chance...he is 90% more likely to cheat again compared to the avererage guy who hasnt yet cheated! In my case it tuned out to be true! It all very well giving someone a second chance if you feel thier remorse and they ask for forgiveness....you can learn to forgive through understanding....but in my case it didnt work out and now thinking back it was really stupid of me to stay with him and consider giving him a THIRD chance. Its not about his cheating anymore at that point..its about trust...and when its gone its hard to get back! I tried hard though...but he did it again! He just cant help himself! I think with my ex....he has a major problem with commitment...he says he has never been with a woman for more than two years! I feel sorry for him because I dont think he will EVER be commited enough to one person that he could spend his life with them! I dont see him getting married either because he KNOWS that means a life of monogamy. He says he wanted that with me...but he has proved to himself yet again that he doesnt have a loyal bone in his body...he WANTS to be...but just isnt! he is 35 soon and i think its too late for him to chance his ways. If he is still sleeping around at his age...i dont think he even wants to learn.

 

 

Next time im gona stick to what I know. If i get together with a guy and he starts to show sighn that he is capable of cheating...I'm outa there!!!

 

Im sorry suebee about your hubby. I think its best in your confusion to take some time apart....find out who you are and what you really want from life! Same goes for him....he doesnt seem ready or is maybe unhappy in your marraige...who knows...councelling could help you to find out...but i strongley suggest some time apart from him to get yourself together! Once you have spent some time healing from the suffereing...you can think more clearly. Dont listen to his storeys and explanations just now...he will only tell you what you want to hear and you will cave! He cant take back what he has done...ask yourself though...can YOU really live with it for the rest of your life? do you want a life of suffereing and suspition and sleepless nights and fights about it? or do you want to get your head clear...give your poor heart some time to heal itself...then have the strenght to do what is right for both you and your kids!?

[SueBee3490]

Bunny,

 

You are so right - and wise! Devastated at finding out what he was doing is an understatement for me. I was taken totally off guard and in shock for many months. I didn't want to believe that he was capable of doing what he was doing. I cried, screamed, called him names and all the women names. I thought I was having a nervous breakdown and I could very well have - just didn't know it. I got to a point where I couldn't attend any event that I thought might get my emotions up (such as wedding, graduation, etc.) because I knew my emotions were so raw that I would cry at the drop of a hat. I believe that was the depression talking. But I couldn't quit living so I had to go to my nephew's wedding and sit and cry really at how they truly loved each other and think why can't I find a guy like that that really loves me (and only me!) I know it was the poor little old me syndrome!! At first I couldn't even fathom being without him but now I can. I feel like doing more things in life (actually without him). He keeps saying he is going back to KS and I say "go ahead - just sign over the house to me since it's your fault anyway for marrying me and not telling me about the cheating". I think he hesitates on that part.

 

We went to a counselor together one time in which she told me since he admitted it, to quit nagging him and picking at it like a sore or it will never heal. I couldn't believe it and he thought everything was ok. So then I went to my own counselor by myself but was so unsure about what to do with my life. Now I tell him we need counseling and he says he will only go if I move to KS with him. I won't simply because after what I've been through with him, I'm not quitting my job, uprooting my kids and moving somewhere when I'm not even sure I trust him. So I've thought it would be best to start over because I don't think I will ever trust him again. It's not like we were having problems and he was cheating - he was just cheating because (according to him) he never dated in high school (he was shy and hunted constantly) and then he met his ex wife. She was his first love and then I met him after they divorced. He says he was "sewing his wild oats" when he divorced because he really didn't do it as a teenager/young adult. I often wonder if there's truth to that and that maybe now he would be faithful because he has dated quite a few others. I will never know. I keep going back to the fact that even if he didn't date many others in his earlier years, if he truly found a person he loved and wanted to be committed to, that would be enough to keep him faithful. He says when he was dating/living with/married to his ex - he never cheated on her. Go figure. That's why I thought I must be a monster for him to not be satisfied with just me. I do know that I'm alot better looking than his ex!

 

Also Bunny I'm sorry to be getting off the topic of LDR - and more into the cheating/infidelity topic. Did you ever tell anyone in your family or friends what your bf was doing? I couldn't ever tell my sisters though I wanted to so much. I really needed them to talk to. I feel that he has told his family that he is miserable living in IL and wants to move home to be with his 19 yr-old and 16 yr-old and he's never really told them about his cheating and how he has hurt me. I've told him if he is to move back there, you'd better believe I'd fill them in on what he's done - I've got the emails, chats, etc. One woman who he saw (she didn't know about me being his fiance) told me to give them her phone number - she'd fill them in on what kind of guy he was.

 

Sorry to have rambled. Take care of yourself - I like HoldOn's advice of getting into activities and you will find someone who deserves you! There have to be good men out there somewhere!

 

SueBee

[HotCaliGirl]

Originally posted by SueBee3490

He keeps saying he is going back to KS and I say "go ahead - just sign over the house to me since it's your fault anyway for marrying me and not telling me about the cheating".I think he hesitates on that part.

He is also asking that you sell the house and move "together" to KS...I bet once he gets his share from the sale, he'll continuing treating you like sh** by cheating and then you'll be in a worse situation, will want to leave but have no house of your oiwn to go to. Does he say that you'll buy a house together should you move to KS? Why don't you ask him...

 

 

I don't think I will ever trust him again.

I wouldn't either!!! EVER He'll just make a better effort at covering his tracks. Once he has cheated this many times, chances of not doing it again or maybe 1%.

 

He says he was "sewing his wild oats" when he divorced because he really didn't do it as a teenager/young adult.

So that's what he's doing when he has a wife and children? Please don't put up with this man, find one who will truly love you, not sleep with every woman with a vagina, then make excuses and try to justify it. No Way. Find a job if you don't have one and kick him out of the house!

[SueBee3490]

My life is so confusing Cali!!!

 

I didn't really make myself clear. My H wasn't "fooling around" when he was married to his ex or to me (so he says). He tells me that he wouldn't cheat when he's married. He was divorced then I met him and we began our LDR. We really hit it off and moved into a committed relationship. I know that he was the only guy I was seeing and I "thought" that I was the only one he was seeing. Well when I found out (after we had married) that he had cheated on me alot during our dating - I flipped out. People on boards have asked me how I didn't know. I tell them because it was long-distance, I wasn't with him ever night and he wasn't an honest and upfront guy. He really acted as though I was the best thing that happened to him. How stupid of me! Also, he has 2 kids from a previous marriage (19 and 16) and I have 3 kids (20, 16, and 11) - we have none together. So as you can see we're not 20 yr olds who are just starting out in life, I feel so stupid at having not seen any signs that he was cheating. I feel like at my age I should have seen it. If we ever didn't see eye-to-eye, it usually involved the move.

 

Yes he does think that we will buy a house together or at least rent together. He thinks he needs counseling to help with his "depression" at having to move to IL and I wanted to go to counseling to deal with his cheating. He goes back to KS at least every month or so. As said earlier, his kids are 19 and 16, so since teens generally like to pull away from parents and gain some independence, I thought he would deal with it better. My 2 oldest really don't go with me much anymore - mine are girls so weekend nights they were NEVER home - always out with friends. His kids generally stay home and don't go out much.

 

I'm thinking like you Cali - that I really don't want to give him the money from the sale of the house. If he does want to move, I'm telling him to go and I'll take over the house. He seems to think he was "tricked" into moving here. How that happened I really don't know - I sure wasn't pregnant or anything! I didn't know about his cheating at that time and since his kids could stay in their homestate and live with their mother and continue in their school - that would be good. My kids' father died in '99 so I'm all they have and I didn't want to move them from their homestate either. 4 of our 5 kids were teens and really resistant to moving from home and friends. We talked about waiting down the road which was fine with me but he didn't want to do that either - don't know why - he could have continued on with his many women and I'd probably never know until I had AIDS or VD or something. He really tried to pin guilt on me by constantly saying he thought I was seeing someone else. Of course I wasn't - but he would drive me crazy with the accusations. He just couldn't get through his head that I was only seeing him - that should have been another red flag!!

 

I think that Bunny made a wise choice - she doesn't need the heartache of this bf if he isn't changing his ways. I've wondered if I can use any of the emails, chats, against him in a divorce by letting the attorney know that I didn't know he was cheating when I married him. Is there any weight with that? It kills me that he can mess up my life (any my kids') by everything he's done and just walk away. He can move back there and buy/rent another house and start again. His kids and he will be fine with the material things. He can meet another woman and feel confident that she is loving and faithful. I lost way more emotionally than he can ever imagine. I don't feel like dating again - I don't want to meet another one like him. A man would have to jump through many hoops to even get close to my heart again.

 

So I'll probably keep to myself and go back to being alone like I was before after my divorce.

 

SueBee

[Bunnylove]

Sue Bee!

 

My heartgoes out to you...this is a very complicated time for you. I feel though that you are suffereing quite badly from low self esteem...am right? I'm not suprised though! When I found out that Daniel had cheated on me after PROMISING me he would never hurt me again...I unfortunetly did have some kinda weird nervous brake down. At the time I found out I had to go meet his family for the first time and spend over a week with them. I found myself becomming mentally unstable and going into weird trances and hurting myself...I am NOT proud of the way I reacted and I am just so extreemly sensitive about this. Being cheated on is the worst thing I have been through and it has happened to me alot with many different guys!

 

Its time for us to be here for each other and im so glad I found this forum! I WANT to be strong again and happy! I DO want a partner and hope to god I can find someone who is more like me...I am very strict about my principles on monogamy. I feel a little damaged after what I have been through and last night we talked for the last time. Its not use anymore trying with him as much as we still love each other...I dont want to spend the rest of my life suffereing. Maybe I can just suffer these next few months and THEN find that I am happy again. I suggest you do the same! Its amazing what some time alone can do....its time for you to clear your head and begin to heal! I also suggest not being in touch with him as long as possible...give it a few months or however long you need to pick yourself back up again!

 

Sue Bee i have to say something that I feel very important! you have two kids right? how old are they? I wanted to say to you that I think its best NOT to bring your children into this. It REALLY will affect them in THIER future relationships. My mum and dad divorced when I was 11. I was very happy about it because they would fight contantly and it scared me. My dad was cheating on my mum contantly and mum also eventually started an affair. My poor mum went through hell and I understand her pain but unfortunetly she brought us (me and my sister) into he world of misery and negativity. I feel this has greatly affected me and maybe this is why I react so badly to cheating! I am not 28..is been 17 years since thier divorce and STILL she absolutely HATES my dad. I decided I still wanted a relationship with my dad even though he left us and we are great freinds. My mum who brought us up alone and gave us everything we needed in life...a house...money....funds for shcooling...clothes..etc is not really my friend! She has become negative and overly controlling and she BLAMES my dad for her life being RUINED! I have suggested she forgive him for the sake of herself and for US! She just cant move past i though!

 

I have to tell you this storey because the way she has been with me had caused us to hardly ever speak. i am very sensituve and can be brought down easily. Talking to her brings out the WORST in me and sends me whirling into depression and negativeness. THIS has affected my relationships with MY men. I dont trust them...i have low self esteem....I DON deal well with cheating and end up muilating myself!

 

I DO NOT want to be that weak and negative anymore. I have made my decision to not be in contact so much with my mother untill i am strong enough to hold a converstation with her. I have also made the decision to lose contact with my ex because I KNOW I cant deal with him sleeping around...even though we ARE finished!

 

I hope some of this has helped bu I do not advise bringing the children into this. They can sense you sensitivess and your pain and grief. I WILL damage them in THIER future relationships. Remember to not only show them love but teach it too at all times....it is also helpfull to teach them forgivness.....something MY mother couldnt do. Maybe after a long time you can learn to forgive....forgivness comes with understanding and it seem to me that your hubby just isnt ready for marrage or commitment....or maybe its just the distance....maybe you dont make him happy...who knows! Maybe one day you can be freinds and talk to him so you can have understanding!

 

In the meantime SueBee...take care of yourself...spend some time healing...but remember thier is not quick fix for your suffereing. I can gurantee though that if you spen 6 months alone to heal and clear your head....you will feel you are back on your feet. Maybe you can go on a few dates even...but as hold on says..keep your eyes open...take your time. Feel love wihin yourself...take care of that poor heart of yours...tell it you are there and will help it to heal.

 

 

I know this is a long post but I have a technique for you to try. First of all think of a mother and child. When the baby cries...it wants its mother...maybe it needs to be changed or is hungry...the mother does not know what is wrong yet but goes to the baby and picks it up and holds it. The baby might still be suffereing with hunger or a wet nappy...whatever...but...the minute its mother comes to give it attension and holds it...it already feels a sense of peace...because it knows she is there to love and help! his is your heart SueBee....its in pain and is crying out to you just as mine is too me. What i do is sit in a peacfull place for 20 mins. I breath in deeply and say to myself "i know I am breathing in" then I brethe out fully and say "I know i am breathing out" after 10 mins of doing this I feel better but then I attend to the pain in my heart and stomach from all this stress...i brethe and say "my poor heart i am here for you" and say the same to all my emotions..even jeliousy i say "jeliousy...I know you are there...and its ok"

 

sorry if this sounds weird at all to you but there is no harm in trying right! You might feel a sense of peace in knowing that you are in suffereing BUT you are THERE to look after yourself! his also helps with self esteem issues and it will bring you AND your children peace.

 

remember..there is NO quick fix...but trust in time SueBee...this man is not good for you...no matter how much you love him.....you and your children come first..and is he causes you to suffer then he is causing your children to suffer...who is more important to you?

 

Much love

xoxo