Do 'open relaionships' work for L/D love?

[SueBee3490]

Bunny,

 

Thanks so much for replying - you can write as much as you want - I enjoy reading your responses. I'm in a few other online support groups and they help also - the friends I've met on there are incredible and supporting. Sometimes I feel as though people might not think that I hurt because when this cheating happened, we were "only dating". I sometimes feel (and I know it's me that is bringing this on) is that we didn't have that marriage vow so maybe I shouldn't be so hurt and angry at him going out on me because he really wasn't breaking a vow - we weren't married. My counselor had to tell me that the pain is just as real if you are in a committed relationship and it is understood that you are moving towards marriage or at least you will be committed only to each other. Which is exactly what we were. He would have had a fit had I also been cheating on him and seeing other men. I sometimes feel I have no right to be so upset as some women/men are when they find their husband/wife cheating.

 

Bunny, as far as my kids go - my current husband is their stepfather. My kids' father died of leukemia in '99. My kids are 20, 16, and 11. I never told any of them the heartache my H has caused me. I'm sure they know - they've seen the anger outbursts, the red puffy eyes, etc. Whether they know that he was cheating, I don't know, I've never told them. Of the 3 of my kids, I would say my 16-yr old daughter does not really interact with my H as much. My 20 yr old is polite and will say a few things to him, my 11 yr old son interacts with him constantly because he has no other father but my 16 yr old won't say anything. Whether she really knows about his cheating and knows how much he has hurt me, I sometimes wonder if that part of her aloofness with him.

 

I'm so sorry for the heartache you felt at your parents divorce. No, I don't feel your mom should have brought you kids into it. I learned when I divorced my ex for his gambling/drinking, I wouldn't say anything negative about him to the kids. He also never paid support but I still would not badmouth him, I felt the kids would find out for themselves how he was, I didn't need to tell them.

 

Bunny, it's been over 2 yrs (Jan. 2003) since I found all this out!!! I really need to move on! Before I couldn't even think about life without him but now I can. I would like to get away from him for 6 mos but really I don't see that possible since I can't afford this huge house by myself and he wants to move back to his homestate and buy/rent there. The only way to live apart as I see it now, is to divorce him.

 

As far as self-esteem, yes my self esteem is low and always has been. With men, I've never felt like I was important. Though my dad loved me, I'm sure, he was an alcoholic so was never home for my concerts, my softball games, etc. My first really serious bf at 16 (I dated him for 4 yrs) and I found out he may have gotten another girl pregnant - so of course we were history. Then my ex would go to his ex wife's house to talk about their kids and I'm not sure that they weren't doing more than talking!!! I finally met my current H who I thought was great and wasn't the type to cheat. Another loser!! I guess my track record is I pick losers for bf's. I'm not ugly (I'm no Miss America) but I'm ok. I'm not rail-think but not heavy either - about medium weight. I just don't feel I measure up to beauty standards - I never have. I really felt bad when I contacted some of his "women chat buddies" and "internet dates" and they knew nothing about me. They knew about his kids, parents, brothers, job, etc. but not a word said about me. You talk about feeling lower than a bug under a rock. He could actually talk to people about everyone else important to him but not tell these people about me. I was telling family, coworkers, friends all about him!! I thought I found the best guy in the world. My counselor also told me "we need to work on your self-esteem so that you feel you deserve someone better". I'm in my mid 40's now and believe me if you have low self-esteem when you're 25 then by the time you're 45 and the whole world revolves around youth - your self-esteem really plummets when you hit my age. No man wants you - they're all looking at the 21 yr olds.

 

His family likes me and thinks I'm great. I did ask his 2 brothers wives if they knew about his cheating. Both of them were shocked. They said he only talked about me - didn't mention any other women. Of course they are his family and I would assume they will stick up for him - I'm the outsider.

 

So I've rambled again, Bunny, thanks for listening.

 

SueBee