What Makes a Nice Person, Nice?

[SycamoreCircle]

The women that I've been involved with over my life have always pointed out that I'm a very nice and kind man. From reading stories of dating on LoveShack, I guess I can appreciate their viewpoint a little more. My ex, the one who brought me to this forum, was very vocal about this kindness. Which made her seemingly overnight betrayal all the more mind-boggling! She even confided to her mother, in a real bit of desperation and insanity, "I'm never getting involved with a nice guy again!!!"

 

I guess I never really viewed myself as especially nice or kind. I do believe it stems from my mother. From her treatment of me and other people. From her view of the world.

 

But my question is---is the attribute of kindness always something we inherit from our parents? Would you consider yourself a nice and kind person? Where do you think you that came from?

Appendix: I realize that in past exploits of egotism and arrogance, I usually always quickly counteract that with self-deflation. I see the error of my ways. And more often than not, I indulge in the obverse of that which is self-loathing and self-pity. I need to become better at immediately inflating that!

[carhill]

But my question is---is the attribute of kindness always something we inherit from our parents?

Always and inherited?.. I don't like absolutes so will opine no. Can genetics in brain organization and chemistry play a role? Yeah, I think so and we get that stuff from our genes, passed to us from our parents. Parents also influence post-birth brain growth, organization and personality characteristics through socialization, from even before we can remember cognitively.

Would you consider yourself a nice and kind person?[/Quote] As an older guy, more mixed bag with leanings towards empathy and care but I'm working on it. Compared to some of my male friends I trend more towards female characteristics in that regard. The men in my world are pretty rough, even with their loved ones, and I'm often shocked by how they treat them, even though it appears to be quite normal and consistent over time. Thus, I've determined that I'm outlier so discount the differences as being remarkable.

Where do you think you that came from?

Probably a calm childhood and the male example my father set.

 

I had a chance to analyze some of this stuff since I was the DD (designated driver) for my best friend at a recent retirement party for another friend. What I watched for was men taking a sincere interest in and listening to other men compared to how the women interacted. These were all people, probably a hundred or so, who knew each other at least casually and some of us a lot more closely.

 

As usual, a friend's wife whom I've commented on before continued to impress me with her ability to focus outside herself and engage people around her, not in the typical social milieu ways but rather more one on one and engaging at a quite personal level, exhibiting all those aspects which, to me, describe 'nice'. Good family though and we went to the same schools (private) though I'm probably 15 years older.

 

That brings up one further 'what', the type of schooling and social integration one experiences as a young person. If family examples are reinforced in school, the brain processes that information. For some, they rebel; others take it in and integrate 'nice' into their behavior set. It's all as unique as we are.

[SycamoreCircle]

I guess my only disagreement with your points might be that my father and my school life were both poor examples. However, I always had my mother to hold those selfish, cruel, ignorant, childish examples to---so maybe they taught me what not to be.

 

Also, I feel like getting older and understanding that sometimes life requires you to be less than nice actually reinforces your ability to be nice. People respect you because they witness in you forceful boundaries. I think people who are nice out of some internal conflict are dangerous.

 

I liked your description of the woman you know who really listens to people---what a model to strive for! It makes life so much more interesting, as well---when you can engage the people around you effectively on a deeper level. It's not necessarily about getting them to surrender sensitive details of their life, more about inspiring them to value something more essential and human.