Leaving - UPDATE

[Marie1973]

Hello Guys

 

Ok I met with my man yesterday about him leaving by May 1st. And you guys were right, he hasn't left. I wanted to walk away, but it was sooooo hard. My MM said that he needs a couple more months to drain more money.

 

He said that he refuses to let the wife have everything. He wants us to live comfortably. He said he swears to god on his life his is going to do it in July. He gave me $500 to open a bank account in my name so that he could drain more money.

 

He said that he will be giving me $1000 - $1500 a week to put in the bank account. By him giving me this money makes me feel better that he is going to actually leave.

 

The other part of the agreement is that there is no sex until he actually does leave. This was his idea so i don't think he's in it just for the sex.

 

I know u guys are going to be soooooooo mad at me, but I am giving him this one last chance. I told him if he doesn't do it this time, we have to go our separate ways & he agreed.

 

I know I'm stupid, but i am going to give him this one last time. Please don't hate me.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I wonder how he is he explaining to his wife that 1K-1.5K is going missing every week? Does she not have any access to their accounts or any way to check them? No checkbook, bank statements, ATM card, etc? Is the apartment you have protected from divorce settlement? If you haven't gotten legal advice yet, you will want to.

 

I'm pretty wary of the 'no sex' agreement - for some reason I just find it hard to believe that a man in a situation like this would voluntarily give up the sex for altruistic reasons, or on 'good faith'. He has, after all betrayed his wife of many years, the mother of his children, lied to his family, lied to his peers, is stealing from his family - the woman he married, and the children he fathered - to give to someone else - and to think he wouldn't lie to you, with whom he has a fraction of emotional and legacy investment would be absurd.

 

Please, please, please do not have blind faith in this situation. Something isn't adding up here with his story, as 'hopeful' as it sounds. The money he has given you thus far could be a smokescreen for his withdrawing from you emotionally as he prepares to make his break. It could well be that the money he loses if he loses you is worth far less than losing his family, his marriage, his assets, his position in society, etc...

 

There are plenty of 'kept OW' out there who have cars, homes, money, etc - but will never actually have the MM to herself. Its sounding like he is preparing you to be joining their ranks. Thus far, "one last chance" has no real meaning, so he probably thinks that he can continue to get away with it for as long as he wants to.

 

If you do nothing else, go talk to a lawyer about this and get some legal advice about what is going on.

[MySugaree]

Marie, this financial link is your MM's way of compensating for the lack of a meaningful relationship link. The "no sex" deal will collapse and you will join the ranks of kept women, ie, mistresses. If that's all you want, fine. But you will forever be your MM's mistress. The money is payment for sexual favors at his call, whim, time and convenience. You will never become this man's wife if you become his sex employee.

 

Your life;your choice.

[whichwayisup]

I know u guys are going to be soooooooo mad at me, but I am giving him this one last chance. I told him if he doesn't do it this time, we have to go our separate ways & he agreed.

 

I know I'm stupid, but i am going to give him this one last time. Please don't hate me.

 

Noone is going to hate you Marie. Noone is mad at you Marie. You're doing this to yourself, that's all. You're not stupid, it's just a bad mistake that you're making as this guy is now throwing money at you and hoping you'll stick around abit longer...Come July, there is going to be another reason for him not to move out..." Summer holidays, and we're doing family stuff...I don't want to ruin their summer" And then..."Too close to the school year and the kids need me around until they're back in school..."

 

You're going to do what you're going to do no matter what. I just think that you're hoping he'll change his ways, and the way things are going, he won't. Why should he? He's having his cake and eating it too! There's no loss in this for him right now, so why should he change it?

 

Try telling him to contact you ONLY when he's actually moved out completely. Not before. Right now he knows he still has you, can string you along and give you hope.

 

I feel for ya, and for that huge hurt that is coming your way.

 

The other part of the agreement is that there is no sex until he actually does leave. This was his idea so i don't think he's in it just for the sex.

 

But emotionally he's still getting something from you. Try cutting off ALL contact. Then see what happens. Do this for yourself, live without him and ENJOY life without him. Go out with girlfriends and see family. Keep busy.

 

None of this is supposed to come off as harsh towards you, so don't feel I'm ganging up on you, I'm not. Just makes me sad that you can't be objective and see where this is now heading...

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by MySugaree

Marie, this financial link is your MM's way of compensating for the lack of a meaningful relationship link. The "no sex" deal will collapse and you will join the ranks of kept women, ie, mistresses. If that's all you want, fine. But you will forever be your MM's mistress. The money is payment for sexual favors at his call, whim, time and convenience. You will never become this man's wife if you become his sex employee.

 

Your life;your choice.

 

Exactly my thoughts! He knows that he will keep the fire burning if he thinks of something new every time.

You will break the no-sex deal and he will break the putting-money-to-bank-account deal.

He will pay you for your "service" here and there to shut you up for a while. You techically have a new job now as an entertainer. So how does that make you feel?

Time runs in his favor; the longer he is with you the more he gets bored of you so it wil be easier for him to stop contact with you next year than now.

If he were really in love with you, he would drop everything and run into your arms. Can't you see this guy doesn't love you?

You only give him one thing that he doesn't get at home: excitement!

[Marie1973]

Ok guys now u r making me sound like a prostitute. He is giving me the cash to save for him so his wife won't get it all. She hasnt worked in 25 years so she is allowed to live like she has been. She is probably going to get most of it.

 

The no sex agreement was his choice to show me that he's not in it for the sex. & i REFUSE to have any type of sex with him until he leaves & thats fine with him. He is not paying me for sex guys.

 

By him giving me cash, he is not stealing from his family & kids. He works for his money & takes out 1/4 each week. That i don't consider steeling. THe family buys whatever they want & they live in a million dollar house. They are going to the best colleges. He is not taking anything away from them.

 

The apartment is rented in his name. He writes the bills with his checks & pays for the furniture, electricity all in his name. Ever since we started this he paid for everything in his name. He does the bills. His wife does't know that $1000 - $1500 will be missing she doesn't see his paycheck.

 

Sorry but I don't agree that this man doesn't love me. He is totally in love with me & wants us to live comfortable. That's why he is draining more cash.

 

I'll keep u all posted.

[LucreziaBorgia]

The apartment is rented in his name. He writes the bills with his checks & pays for the furniture, electricity all in his name.

 

Won't his wife be entitled to half of that when they divorce? How does he plan to protect his income/property in the divorce settlement? Has he discussed this with you?

[CurlyIam]

Are you 100% sure that he's wife isn't working anymore? What if she is?

 

Th way I see it, you're taking money from a family, actually, from her paycheck. His doing that should be such a redflag to you! I cannot imagine how you can do this so coldbloodedly. But then, he is paying for EVERYTHING, so if it's not paying for services, how would you call that? You must really be lovestruck not to see it.

 

Listen, you're doing it, you're enjoying yourself, fine. Just stop looking for cheap jusifications while you're at it. If you want for things to really be square and ease your conscience, you get off that appartment, move out and tell him to join you when the divorce is over. And then, in your brand new appartment, see if you ever hear of him ever again. Until then, whatever you thing you're doing, your withholdong sex and everything... means nothing!

[BoatingBabe]

This is a sad story, I feel sorry for you Marie...You are letting this man manipulate and use you. Unfortunately, some things ARE black and white. If he loved you, he'd leave, no money in the world would make him stay with her. Please open your eyes and don't waste another minute with this man.

[HoldOn]

[Marie1973]

Hello

 

No his wife hasn't worked in 25 years. He makes enough money that she could stay home. The apartment is rented, he doesn't own it, so when he leaves her, she can't touch the apartment. She could if he bought it, but he's only renting, so nothing can be done.

 

Yes he pays for everything, but most of my boyfriends in the passed have paid for everything while we were dating, why is this one any different. I offer many times, but he won't take a cent from me. That is what boyfriends usually do, doesn't mean they are paying for your services. Its the right thing to do when u r dating.

 

So one last chance i'm giving him.

I'll keep u all posted. I know u all think he's using me but

hopefully i will prove that wrong.

[CurlyIam]

I was thinking about it. Maybe it's control that he likes. He keeps his wife at home so that she doesn't work, he keeps you at home, he pays for both of you... See the pattern?

 

What will his wife do whe he leaves? What will you do if he leaves you? Did he have affairs before?

[Debster]

I feel sorry for you.

You are so blind in love that you are willing to believe anything this man says to you.

Why on earth you would want a man who would take money from his children and family, lies to you, pays you money for being with him, is ridiculous.

 

He is treating you like an escort.

And you're letting him.

 

Get some self-respect. Please.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Even if he does leave, it may not be the fairytale ending you have fantasized about. I'm not sure how far ahead you are thinking, but have you considered what life would be like for you to give up your role as mistress to step into the shoes of second wife?

 

For instance, divorce or not, unless he's also willing to ostracize his children that other family and that other woman (ex-wife and mother of his children) will be a constant factor even in his new life with you. Even if he manages to follow through with his exit and with most of his finances intact, the truth about when and where the two of you met will get out. Someone will eventually slip up or perhaps the family will be smart enough to start putting the pieces together. Particularly if her attorney investigates the money trail and it leads back to 'you'.

 

In that event, you will not be looked upon kindly by the children, family or friends that will remain the other part of his life. You will always be seen as "daddy's mistress" and there's a very high probability that you will never be accepted or welcomed by that family with open arms. While he's off attending college graduations, weddings and funerals you might left home alone feeling ostracized and resentful that you are still being excluded from part of his life…that even though he has left his marriage to be with you…you are forever destined to remain that shameful little secret that must remain hidden in the shadows.

 

Could you continue to live like that?

 

Also, you have witnessed first hand that not only is this man capable of deceit and dishonesty…but he's quite skilled at it. I know it's easy to convince yourself that he's only stooped this low "because he loves you" and that underneath it all he's really a nice guy who'd never do me dirty like that…but is he REALLY? Do you honestly believe you're any less gullible than his wife and children?

 

Remember - once you step into the wife role and he becomes bored with you, someone else will have to fill the vacancy of mistress and lover. And when he starts paying another woman's rent and sneaks his money off into someone else's account, what happens to 'you' financially since you've become so dependant on him for support? What if he decides to protect what's left of his money and not marry you at all or asks you to sign a prenup? Would you feel slighted that he didn't love/trust you enough to give you the same deal he gave his first wife?

 

Whatever you decide, please think ahead. My worry for you is that you are about to jump from the frying pan right into the fire. As unfulfilling as your current role as mistress might feel, you may very well learn the hard way what it feels like to wear the shoes of the jilted and betrayed. What's worse, is that you'll find little sympathy or support when the roles are reversed because most people will conclude that you got exactly what you had coming. A valuable lesson in 'empathy', so to speak.

 

Good luck, Marie. You're certainly going to need it.

[FolderWife]

[Circles]

Originally posted by Debster

I feel sorry for you.

You are so blind in love that you are willing to believe anything this man says to you.

 

Get some self-respect. Please.

 

Marie,

Just like someone else said, come July he will have another reason for not leaving.

 

So I guess you are happy living like this, with your life on hold.

[Marie1973]

Hello

I see all your points.

Come july & he has another excuse, we are going our separate ways.

I know i said this before, but i have to do it if he gives me another excuse in July.

 

I could only take so much.

I have to move on come July.

 

Thanks guys for all your support

[Mz. Pixie]

Marie,

 

I understand that you are in love with this man- but do you not have any compassion for his wife?

 

I'm not pointing fingers at you- just wondering? Do you not think she's earned some money after being married to this man for 25 years??

 

If he wants to leave, that's fine. But seeing how she hasn't worked in 25 years I'm sure he'll have to support her for the rest of her life. I'd say without a doubt she'll get alimony due to his infidelity.

 

They all use the excuse of money or the kids not to leave. I certainly hope it works out for you but he can do the same things to you he's done to her.

[Marie1973]

Hi ms. pixie.

 

To be honest, i'm sure if i knew his wife it would bother me, but not knowing her, it doesn't bother me.

I have been cheated on many times with my ex-boyfriends. Things happened, this wasn't planned. I never

thought that i would fall in love with an older, married man.

 

He has told me any stories of how rude she is to him even before our relationship started. She is

just uncaring & out right rude with some of her comments.

 

Yes he will have to pay her alimony & $3000 a month for child support. That is why he wants to get

more $$$ for when he does leave.

 

Well come July if he makes another excuse, i'm sooooooooo done.

Its getting a bit old now.

[Depressedwaiting]

I have a question, I know that the MM will of course lose significantly financially speaking from a divorce but do you really think that the MM will have to start over?

 

I would really love to talk to a divroce attorney for a second opinion on this because my MM says that he would lose so much financially that he would have to start over, he is 45 yrs old so it's not easy. He says he absolutely refuses to lose me and that he can't do this to me anymore and that I deserve much better than this and that he will get a divorce once he has finished dealing with a messy business lawsuit he is involved in right now with his business which is a major headache right now and is taking all of his concentration (he has no kids).

 

I say most if not all MM are too comfortable in their finanical state and have too much to lose financially (if they worked hard all these years and have managed to acquire a certain standard of living that is)... that is why most would rather lose the other women. It's not worth it to them... it just makes me ill.

 

But everytime I talk to a man who has gone through divorce (even when they had no kids) they lost so much it's unbelievable. So maybe it is true afterall... I'm very confused?

[Marie1973]

Hi DepressedWaiting -

 

Yes I agree with you. My MM said that when he gets divorced his wife will get 3/4 of what they have. He figured $700,000. Making the money he does, he has this certain standard of living which is way above me. I am medium class & have no problem with it. He lives upper class & doesn't want to live any other way - he was poor growing up & doesn't want to ever go back to that.

 

I think when my MM leaves he will get something but not enough to live on with his high standard of living. It will be hard to maintain the way of living he's used to. Thats why he wants to get more $$$$.

 

My MM is 53 & also says its not like he has 30 years to work. So for him its not going to be easy either. He did say one time that when the time of his life that he should have the most money, he is going to have the least. But he said we will work through it together.

 

So if it comes down to the he can't leave due to losing his money, then so be it. He could have a nice life with no love & his $$$$.

 

I would also like to talk to a lawyer about this too.

[DepressedWaiting]

Yes exactly. Your MM sounds exactly like mine... he too has worked very hard his whole life to get what he has today. He was poor most of his life and has managed to acquire a beautiful house on the water and a certain level of comfort even though his business is in tormoil right now due to a lawsuit from a bad ex-employee who stole his database and took 30% of his business profits so he is trying to sue to get his money back that he is entitled too.

 

If he gets divorced it would definfitely be different as he would lose half of everything which he says is a HUGE HUGE HUGE blow and he would without a doubt have to start over he says. He has been married 4 yrs. He wants me to help him find a divorce attorney to ask questions.

 

I don't know what to think anymore. But the one thing I do know is that if he is willing to lose me rather than get a divorce then he can keep his everything... the only thing he has lost is me. Because if he really wants me then he would NOT be willing to stay with his wife and no amount of money in the world would keep him from me... he would not tolerate it and would do something about it and wouldn't spend his life without me!

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Marie1973

He said that he refuses to let the wife have everything. He wants us to live comfortably. He said he swears to god on his life his is going to do it in July. He gave me $500 to open a bank account in my name so that he could drain more money.

 

Originally posted by Depressedwaiting

But everytime I talk to a man who has gone through divorce (even when they had no kids) they lost so much it's unbelievable.

 

Some of y'all say things like that....as if the Wife hadn't invested all the good years of her life....wasted on a philandering husband.

 

So many OW's buy into the MM's story of what a bitter, vindictive shrew the Wife is, never taking into account that maybe living out the best years of your life with a man who's capable of dumping your a$$ for a woman young enough to be his daughter, might embitter even the best of women.

 

If she was working in the home or outside the home, the investment is the same. And she's not getting even one measly minute of her life back.

 

Hey, maybe if you apply a little more effort, you can make your MM's wife into one of those "bag ladies".....with everything she has left junked up in a rickety shopping cart. Maybe THAT would finally make you feel validated.

 

Honest to God, I don't know how one human being can treat another that way. I'm sorry I read through this thread. I won't make that mistake again.

[SweetSerenity]

I am tired of all these Betrayed Spouses coming in here and bashing the OW's. If you don't like it then don't read it and defnitely don't bash it. I don't think I read that the forum here was called BETRAYED SPOUSES FORUM. Jesus. Thats like asking for water and getting wine. Why do you think I don't post often on here.

 

I've met a few nice people on here for sure. Like Tudor, Mom4, and HoldOn. WhichWayIsUp has been even civil, but most of the women that post here are bitter Betrayed Spouses and take out their frustrations on the OW. I understand how hurt you all are but you need to stop. Seriously. *fedup*

 

Marie,

 

I understand your situation. I truly do. I don't have any real feelings about it. I support you and what you're saying. It makes sense. It really does. Hang in there girl. Don't worry about these ninnies that are bashing you. Their word should mean nothing to you. NOTHING! Goodluck.

[erika2610]

Originally posted by Marie1973

Hello

I see all your points.

Come july & he has another excuse, we are going our separate ways.

I know i said this before, but i have to do it if he gives me another excuse in July.

 

I could only take so much.

I have to move on come July.

 

Thanks guys for all your support

 

The thing is.. you keep giving him more time. 'If he doesn't leave by March, it's over. Oh nope, wait, I give him til May'. And the fact is, he says she's rude and nasty. That seems to be the MM's thing.. I think 99% of them say that. I think you should just move on. The more time you keep giving home, the more you're gonna get hurt by this man.