Leaving - UPDATE

[HoldOn]

Helping him launder money, SHE will get caught too. It doesn't matter if she spends it or not. I guess she's willing to go to jail for a man who won't even leave his wife for her.

[lindya]

Originally posted by HoldOn

Helping him launder money, SHE will get caught too. It doesn't matter if she spends it or not. I guess she's willing to go to jail for a man who won't even leave his wife for her.

 

Woah. Hold on, HoldOn. I didn't say that Maria's MM IS laundering money. Just think that if someone wants you to open a bank account so that they can regularly put large cash amounts into it, it's worth being a little cautious about their motives for doing so.

[HoldOn]

You didn't say it, she said it. Hiding money from a spouse is illegal, even if you are only a third party (other woman) and not the husband. She can be charged also.

[Marie1973]

Yes exactly Lindya

 

My MM is putting money aside for us, cause he doesn't want us to start off, broke.

 

I'm sure i sound like an idiot to most people reading these posts. I sometimes stop & think

how stupid i am being. But i'm giving him the benefit of the doubt & letting this continue til

July & no longer.

 

Its starting to take a toll on me, trust me.

 

& no one will be going to jail or any of that non sense.

[billybadass36]

Originally posted by Marie1973

My MM is putting money aside for us, cause he doesn't want us to start off, broke.

 

Its starting to take a toll on me, trust me.

 

& no one will be going to jail or any of that non sense.

 

If you have hundreds of thousands of dollars stashed away, for peace of mind, do yourself a favor and give some of it to a therapist and give a little more of it to a lawyer for advice on your situation that's been beated upon ad nauseum here. I think that would be a good investment in yourself. If you have hundreds of thousands of dollars stashed away, why do you need his wife's money to start off fresh with this MM? She's been married to this lying cheat for over twenty years. She's earned that money in a not dissimilar way that you've earned the money that you, yourself have put away.

[forms]

So this guy has lots of money, lives the high life, has property, an executive job, a million dollar home, etc... and yet he has to squirrel away a thousand or so a week for the next two or so months; in effect, he has to put aside about $20,000, so you two won't start your new life together poor? Why not just play fair with his wife? Give her a divorce, pay off all the debts and split in half what is left over--and let the two of you start your life together with a half million legitimate dollars?

 

This doesn't make sense. Half of that $20,000 would legally be his in a divorce. So you are saying that he--this wealthy, high powered guy--is going to all this trouble to steal $10,000 from his ex--when according to you there's hundreds of thousands of dollars at stake in this divorce?

 

Missing money will be noted. It doesn't take a genius to figure out how much he has coming in, how much is legitimately going out, and how much is unaccounted for. His wife's attorney will make those calculations first thing. It won't matter whether he gave it to you, gave it to charity, gambled it away or buried it in the backyard. She's still entitled to half of it. If he can't produce it in the divorce settlement, the judge will simply award her more of the equity of the marital estate.

 

I agree, nobody is going to go to jail (if what he is doing is hiding money from his wife). However, it also isn't going to fool any divorce judge.

 

Marie, Marie, Marie. He's not being honest with you. Something else is going on. Possibilities include: tax evasion, funny accounting with the business, illegal income, kickbacks, etc... But the biggest possibility, the most likely, is he is hiding money from creditors. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he has huge mortgages on all that property and finances that lavish lifestyle through credit. My guess is he's hedging his bets in case his mini financial empire collapses. Watch that he doesn't actually file bankruptcy at the same time he leaves his wife. Unlike most here, I think he will leave. Having you hold his money in your name indicates that he will. But don't think life's going to be peachy after he leaves. At the very least, he's going to be facing a hellish long term, contentious, bitter divorce--and the $20,000 or so he's having you squirrel away won't even begin to pay his legal fees much less finance a new life. And that's just the best case scenario.

 

Please be more cynical, Marie. Talk to a divorce lawyer (and I am one), and then ask him some tough questions.

 

Edited to say: talk to a divorce attorney who works in your county. Every state has different laws and every locality different unofficial customs. I can tell you that his 'divorce strategy' makes no sense, but I can't tell you how an honest divorce would settle out--usually it's about 50/50 in all states; but talk to an attorney to understand better. If it's a community property state--he has no chance of protecting his assets no matter what he does. If it's a dishonest divorce (with infidelity and hiding assets like he's doing), the outcome is more uncertain. Individual judges and local culture dictates what a judge is likely to do with his/her judicial discretion when faced with a underhanded party in a divorce trial. In some places it doesn't much matter, the judge just weights the other side and evens out the dishonesty, in other places judges apply punitive measures.

[Marie1973]

HI see what u r saying.

 

He has $50,000 cash stashed aways already - he showed me last summer when i was at his house. (i know that is going to cause an arguement now too)

 

To make me feel better about him leaving in July he said he would give me $1000 or so each week, just to prove that he isn't BS'ing me. I can't take the $50,000 & deposit it in the bank all at once, I have to do little by little.

 

In his divorce, it won't be 50/50. His wife, like i said before, hasn't worked in 25 years.

She is going to get more than 1/2. Yes i have a few $100,000 saved but how far is that

really going to get us? That will go really fast plus my MM doesn't want me to use any of

my money. (see there again, he won't let me pay for anything)

[whichwayisup]

To make me feel better about him leaving in July he said he would give me $1000 or so each week, just to prove that he isn't BS'ing me. I can't take the $50,000 & deposit it in the bank all at once, I have to do little by little.

 

In his divorce, it won't be 50/50. His wife, like i said before, hasn't worked in 25 years.

She is going to get more than 1/2. Yes i have a few $100,000 saved but how far is that

really going to get us? That will go really fast plus my MM doesn't want me to use any of

my money. (see there again, he won't let me pay for anything)

 

He owns you is what that says Marie. He controls you. F*ck it, I'd say SPEND your money if you want to. WHAT is he going to do about it? Leave you cuz you want to spend your money YOU earned instead of free money he is giving you?

 

Afew $100,000. How far is that going to get you...Well that's alot of $$. People have to change their life styles depending on how much $$ is coming in. If he has to give up his stylish lifestyle now and learn to budget abit, well so be it. He's changing the focus here. The fact he showed you $50,000 that has been tucked away is just creepy.

 

I say, SPEND your money on however you feel fit. If he doesn't like it, tough s***. Don't let him control you, tell you what to do. Relationships with people, MM or not, is about give and take. Seems his giving to you means huge strings attached. Nothing is free in life and I'm really worried for you...

[forms]

Are you saying that he is moving his secret $50,000 from his account to yours a little over time? Or are you saying that he's got $50,000 and is going to add to it by giving you money to put in your account so that together when he leaves he will have $70,000 cash more or less? And I thought you said he was cashing his pay check and giving half to you to put into your account--not that he was moving funds.

 

If he has $50,000 in a bank account, believe me, his wife's lawyer will find it--in about 20 minutes. Bank accounts are registered with the state and nation through social security numbers. Let's say he has it in a 'business' bank account not under his name or ssn. That will take a paralegal, oh maybe an hour to find. The records will be subpoenaed and the wife's attorney will tell the judge: Your Honor, in January this account had $50K in it, now it has nothing. It's a marital asset, and my client is entitled to half." The judge will make him cough up the $25K that belongs to her, or he will just give her $25K extra in property. Your boyfriend isn't gaining anything at all by this rather amateur maneuvre. In fact, he is risking annoying the judge.

 

Ok, so maybe by July he will have $70K in secret funds, $35,000 of which would belong to him. So he's only cheating her out of $35,000 which is chump change to a high flyer like you've described him with his million dollar house and property and etc.... Why is it so important to him to cheat her out of a relatively small amount? This is important to know.

 

And no, I do not believe that because she was a stay-at-home wife she will get more than 50% of the assets. She will get half the assets plus probably lifetime alimony (depending on how old she is, etc...) She will probably get half the debt--unless the judge decides to act punitively to your boyfriend for cheating or hiding assets or for being difficult in the divorce. He could end up with 75% of the debt or 100% of the debt depending on how irritated the judge is by your boyfriend's underhandedness. Unusually an affair alone isn't enough to annoy a judge--people are allowed to divorce and build new lives for themselves without penalty. Judges know marriages break down and other people get involved and it's not the best sequence, but it happens. However, when you start adding in dishonest hiding of money and fraudulent dissipation of marital assets, judges get annoyed and show it often through debt assignment--which they have a lot of discretion over. Most states permit assets and debts to be distributed equibly and to factor in things like 'infidelity' if warranted. Most of the time, it is not factored in. But piss off a judge, and the next thing you know you get more of the debt. Hiding money annoys judges because it prolongs a divorce and raises costs and it indicates that the party hiding the money thinks he's smarter than the system or that he thinks he doesn't have to follow rules.

 

What dissipates the assets is fighting. The average cost of a legal hour for family law in this country is $200. 100 hours of legal work is $20,000. Since she has no income, he will probably have to pay her legal fees as well as his own. Add up how fast fighting over hidden assets such as that $35,000 he wants to hide in your account is actually going to cost him. The cheapest way to get a divorce is for him to divorce right now, give her 60% of the assets, take 60% of the debt, give state guideline alimony until his retirement, split his retirement (which he will have to do anyway--Federal law) and call it even. Yes, she will get slightly more, but he has the career and income and supposedly the smarts--he can recover in three years.

 

Let her feel she's being cheated--and once she finds out about the affair she's going to feel cheated--let her feel cheated, let there be some missing money, let him quibble about alimony and she'll come after him with both barrells. She'd be a fool not to. The quality of the rest of her life depends upon the divorce settlement--and she's not going to be paying for it, he is. There apparently are enough assets to making fighting worthwhile. Plus her feelings will be hurt by the affair. She'll want to strike back at him and is going to feel cheated and he apparently is greedy and feels over entitled and he wants to cheat her--her fears won't be unfounded. This is a divorce that is likely to last three years.

 

If they have assets over a million and he has a salary over $100,000, statistics show it will be a long divorce. People generally fight in court until the money runs out--then they settle. Even if he does leave his wife, Marie, you are not likely to have smooth sailing for a long, long time. Bitter divorce is stressful. Where there is cheating and hiding of money, divorce is hell.

 

Ask yourself, Marie, why you want or would trust a man who has as much money as you think this guy has but would want to cheat his partner of 25 years and the mother of his children out of a mere $35,000 or so? Doesn't that show a real ugly side of him? Don't you want a generous man? I understand you think she's 'mean' to him and thus doesn't deserve the money. But don't you think he's actually being mean back--he's cheating on her, and trying to steal money from her. Do you really, really believe that he will treat you any better? Why is it important for him to cheat her? It's an important question. It is IMPORTANT to him to cheat her. Think about it.

 

Also ask him about debt. I see huge red flags everywhere that are screaming debt. If they have a lot of debt, divorce is the day of reckoning. It's not that she's going to get everything--it's the debtors are going to get everything, and the lawyers, and they are going to split what's left and he will have to pay alimony on top of it. He'll feel the pinch post divorce--but not because she got everything (although that's what he'll tell all his friends). Divorce doesn't work that way. He'll end up with a little because there was debt--and if he plays games with the judicial system he'll end up with even less.

 

I hope you stick with the forum, Marie. I am interested in how all this works out. I think it's going to be ugly. And I think he's trying to deal with a lot of debt. In any case, good luck to you.

[EnigmaXOXO]

In his divorce, it won't be 50/50. His wife, like i said before, hasn't worked in 25 years.

 

Absolutely. Not only will she be entitled to half all property assets (real-estate, business, vehicles, bank accounts, IRA's, stocks, bonds, etc.) but she will most likely qualify for spousal support since she has been a homemaker, mother and wife for more than ten years. The courts will take that into account. She will be required to estimate her living expenses, right down to how many tubes of toothpaste she buys per month. Every penny will be factored in to how much he will continue paying to support her. Particularly since he is the one filing for divorce.

 

Alimony or 'spousal support' may continue for an agreed amount of time. But it could also continue indefinitely if her attorney is smart and includes a 'non-modifiable' clause. This means she will continue to receive support until she remarries, or in the event of his death or her's. His wife's age, the length of time she was married, and her ability to acquire gainful employment at this time in her life will all be taken into consideration.

 

Also, depending on the children's ages, he may also be required to continue supporting them as well. I'm not sure how this works regarding college tuitions, but I doubt if he has shred of human decency left, he would pull their educations out from under them as well. At this point, I wouldn't be surprised at anything he might be capable of.

 

Now --- this is all providing the wife actually agrees to his divorce terms and signs the papers. She'd have to agree to a 'No Fault' and this could be the first of many hurdles to come. If she doesn't want a divorce, or if she suspects her husband might be having an affair, this thing could be drug out indefinitely. Also, depending on the laws in your state, the courts may recommend a trial separation first to insure there is no chance of reconciliation. They may even mandate that the couple attend counseling. During separation he would still be required to support her and this could drain whatever money he has tucked away. Not to mention, he may also be required to pay all legal fees - his and hers.

 

Here's where it really might get sticky for you…

 

Depending on the terms of their legal separation (if there is one), your married man may still not be able to reside with you or carry on an open relationship. It might be viewed as 'adultery' unless the contract reads otherwise. He'd still be screwed. Meanwhile, a legal separation period can extend as much as two years. Again, this depends on the laws in your state or the agreement reached between the married parties. In the event of a prolonged separation before the final divorce…so much can happen. Prepare yourself for the very real chance that the stress and financial strain may also wreak havoc on your relationship as well. There is also the probability that during this time they may reconcile and he'll go back to his wife.

 

Of course, these are all the worst case scenarios. But you need to fully prepare yourself for the very real possibility of a bumpy road ahead. It could go smoothly --- or it may not. Meanwhile, you need to really sit down and prepare your own evacuation plan. Get your emotional and financial safety nets in place. Decide what Marie's going to do to take care of Marie while her MM is busy trying to take care of himself. I worry that if things get too rough, you'll be the last person whose needs get any consideration. It happens all too often to women in your situation.

[whichwayisup]

I worry that if things get too rough, you'll be the last person whose needs get any consideration. It happens all too often to women in your situation

 

And Marie, that is why everybody on here is jumping on this thread. To help you. Forget those who are personally attacking you. Just really open your eyes...Seriously, talk to a lawyer, it can't do any harm except maybe burst the bubble that this man is not worthy of being put on a pedastool. He's not worth this. If he was, he would have walked away a LONG time ago from his family, ended the marriage when he fell inlove with you and would have started a new life with you.

 

I'm sorry if this hurts to hear but I'll keep on saying that. That and you deserve somebody SO much better.

[Marie1973]

Hello

 

ok he is not controlling me on telling me how to spend my money. The fact is here that he doesn't want me to have to use my money, he wants to be able to give me a great life without me spending a dime. He never tells me what to spend my money on & what not to, he just doesn't want me to touch a penny when we get together, he wants to provide everything for me & not me having to touch my $$.

 

He doesn't have $50,000 in a bank account, its all in CASH.

Yes he has realestate over 1 million dollars & salary is $240,000 a year.

 

He will not get 50% of all the assets. We sat down & discussed this already.

He will be paying alimony, child support $3,000 a month for 2 daughters 16 & 17.

Then he will be paying $30,000 a year for college for 2 daughters - $60,000 a year.

And his wife hasn't worked in 25 years. And as for working in the house, NO, she doesn't clean,

cook or anything like that. I've seen it all.

 

So hiding money is a smart idea for him

He is going to get taken to the cleaners!

[forms]

So he ends up with a half million dollars in real estate and $5,000 net after alimony and child support? That's not enough for him that he has to cheat her out of $25,000? He'll still have his salary, so what's he so panicked about that he has to be underhanded?

[whichwayisup]

So hiding money is a smart idea for him

He is going to get taken to the cleaners!

 

Hate to say this to ya, but he deserves to be taken to the cleaners. If he had ANY balls, he would have left her a LONG time ago instead of stringing her along. Is she even AWARE that her whole life might be turned upside down when he leaves her? Has he hinted to her that their marriage is about to end?

[forms]

He's going to be taken to the cleaners because he's doing things like hiding money and cheating. And I didn't see Marie address his debt-load.

[Marie1973]

His debt - load meaning?

 

He will have to pay mortgage on his shore house til its sold. He just put that for sale last week.

& he will still have to pay the mortage on the house that they live in now.

 

So he has a lot on his plate:

 

- alimony

- $3000 a month child support

- $60,000 a year in college for 4 years

- 2 mortgages to pay for until they are sold

 

Even though he makes a lot, its not enough to pay everything that he has to.

By July he will have close to $100,000.

 

He has to have cash to live off of, everything is going to be frozen.

I don't think his wife knows that he's going to leave.

[whichwayisup]

He has to have cash to live off of, everything is going to be frozen.

 

Which is why he COULD get nailed for putting $$ away, he's aware everything will be frozen.

 

Thing that just popped into my head...Maybe he doesn't want you spending any money (meaning together as a couple) because when he has his downslide, he is going to be coming to you for help with the $$...Supporting him sometime. Just a thought I had, that's all.

[Marie1973]

No him putting cash aside is his way of avoiding that.

he never wants to use my cash. He said i saved that my

whole life & that is for me.

 

He is NOT the type of guy to rely on a woman for money.

[whichwayisup]

No him putting cash aside is his way of avoiding that.

 

It is but it isn't. I'm sure it can be traced. They're gonna know with computer/PI's/transcripts that the money went somewhere Marie. That's all everybody is also pointing out. He's putting it away and he could get caught.

 

His wife doesn't know and has no clue.

 

Different senario. He tells her he's leaving her for somebody else...She says she'll forgive him, go to MC and work together to fix their marriage. HOW do you know that his feelings for her won't come rushing back? You don't know that, HE doesn't know it...That could happen too. Then he won't be leaving in July.

 

I think you need to GO out and live life now. Be with friends/family, enjoy yourself...Detach yourself from him bit by bit so if/when that blow comes it doesn't f*ck you up too much. And again, talk to a therapist because the energy you're putting into this man is going to drain you completely.

[Marie1973]

HI

No he is not telling his wife that he is leaving her for someone else.

THere marriage has been dead for over 15 years.

They aren't close at all.

He has no feelings for her at all, if he did, he wouldn't be cheating on her.

Don't ya think??

 

THere is no way that would be a scenerio what-so-ever

Not even a thought in my head.

[curly]

That he has not mentioned this situation to his wife is absolutely incredible. Marie-sorry to tell you this but this is his escape route away from your relationship, at least for a while until you cool down and he wants to play with you again.

 

Whether he does say something to her or not and unless you're a fly on the wall that day he drops the bomb that he's leaving, you will have no way of knowing that it actually occurred and what was discussed.

 

My MM told me many times that his W knew he was leaving, knew about me, begged him to stay, told him he could leave if he stayed through the holidays and she would pack his bags, was going to come find me at work and embarrass me, was crying herself to sleep every night for months, everything he could think of to keep my desire to have an exclusive relationship with him at bay. Know what happened? He would leave me & say he was going to work on his marriage. When he popped back into my life - he admitted it was all lies. Even now she supposedly knows about me but she begged him to leave my house. that if he would spend time by himself and really think about leaving the marriage, then she would support his decision. This is after he begged - BEGGED - me to let him come back to live with me again. He did that before only to leave 2 days later. this time he made it 4 days. What a pillar of strength....

 

He woke me at 3am that night and told me he wanted to go live with his father. He was gone by 5am. he said he agreed with what she said. Do you see the holes in this scenario?

 

I'm just trying to point out that his lack of any conversation with her does not bode well for your desires. You can't just walk into your house and announce you're leaving everything. Even if he wants to leave with all of his being, he would not be human if he wasn't a bit scared.

 

Marie you are allowing yourself to band-aid this so that you don't have to feel the pain. Marie - it's coming. Just hold on to your seat. this is going to be a rough ride.

[whichwayisup]

No he is not telling his wife that he is leaving her for someone else.

THere marriage has been dead for over 15 years.

They aren't close at all.

He has no feelings for her at all, if he did, he wouldn't be cheating on her.

Don't ya think??

 

People do cheat on those spouses they DO love. That is another reason why infidelity is SO painful.

 

If he wasn't close with her and the marriage has been dead for 15 years, why did he not leave 15 years ago? To stay because of the kids? So the kids can now see how their parents relationship is? Children learn from an early age, right up into their teens what 'normal relationship' behaviour is like and base what they've learned from home into their own lives/relationships with others. Staying in a loveless/cold marriage that is dead just for the sake of the kids can do as much damage as leaving could.

 

She will find out about you - Maybe not right away, but she will. Not meaning to stir the pot, but it will come out eventually.

[ww]

I THOUGHT THIS THREAD WAS ALL ABOUT HIM LEAVING HIS WIFE AND MOVING INTO YOUR APARTMENT.

HAS HE DONE IT?

YOU SAID IT WILL BE DONE UNTIL MAY 1ST

[LucreziaBorgia]

The date was moved up to July, and he stopped having sex with her. Not good signs...

 

That action speaks louder than any words on this entire forum.

[ww]

july what year?

MARIE 1973 : GET A LIFE!

 

i am 1973 too ...recently got over my biggest mistake ever! I am getting married!

 

You can do it too! You still have time!

GO