Phoenician Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I haven't cheated yet , though attempted a failing try . As time passes , i have a strong feeling that when an honest partner involved in a marriage for years , consider cheating , it means only one thing : marriage was over long back , the only remains are the contractual , or material binding . opinions please ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Before you get involved with another woman, you should end it with your wife. Even a minimum of integrity demands that. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Some claim that the opportunity to cheat presented itself and in reality , if the marriage has long term unresolved issues , I can imagine it's easy to slip into an affair. Yet I read the OW threads here and other places and there are instances a MM claims to be happily married, but has been in an affair for years. I find it strange that they don't get fed the usual line of being roommates. you actually start thinking of having an affair, your marriage clearly has problems. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Perhaps it is your thoughts of cheating that are prompting you to rewrite your marital history. Being tempted to cheat is fairly normal, IMHO. There are attractive people everywhere and most people would probably enjoy the excitement of a new partner. But if you decide to cheat, that sounds much more like a personal problem to me than a marital one. No marriage is without problems. You can fix them or you can leave. If you choose the third option, I'm willing to bet your spouse isn't getting a vote. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I think the first step is actually a drop in integrity- the rest allows the rewriting of the marriage, the self denial and the cheating- If you honestly want to cheat, and equate that with the marriage being over- then end your marriage- that way when you do find a willing partner, you will be a divorced person and not a cheater- 8 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 It really doesn't matter which comes "first" because they are separate issues. There is a marital breakdown, which can be the responsibility of both parties (and usually is). The choice to cheat is a whole separate issue, and it may or may not have anything to do with a marital breakdown. Bottom line? A person with character will stay true to their values even when the going gets tough. So no matter WHY someone tells themselves they had an affair, the choice to have it is still always wrong and always the responsiblity of the cheater. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 It really doesn't matter which comes "first" because they are separate issues. There is a marital breakdown, which can be the responsibility of both parties (and usually is). The choice to cheat is a whole separate issue, and it may or may not have anything to do with a marital breakdown. Bottom line? A person with character will stay true to their values even when the going gets tough. So no matter WHY someone tells themselves they had an affair, the choice to have it is still always wrong and always the responsiblity of the cheater. This is a good point, I think. Just by asking, "Which comes first?" you seem to be implying that one leads to the other or causes it. As autumn rightly says, they are separate issues. Some people are in marriages that they admit to be great but they "found" themselves cheating anyway. Others are in awful marriages and never cheat. And in many cases of cheating, while the marriage may have been crappy, we only find one person cheating even though both people were in the same crappy marriage. If marital strife caused infidelity, you'd expect there to be some consistency. And you'd expect nearly everyone to be cheating since nearly every marriage has down periods. What you'll find consistently in cheating is the wayward's decision and choice to cheat, and that has everything to do with the individual's lack of courage in resolving marital issues one way or another. Cheating is the coward's way out and solves nothing. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 The farthest I would go is to say a truly bad marriage may make someone more vulnerable. BUT, most people realize they are vulnerable. So, you either shore up your boundaries, or you re-evaluate being married. Cheating is a choice, and no one is forced to make it. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I want to know how you failed at cheating? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I haven't cheated yet , though attempted a failing try . As time passes , i have a strong feeling that when an honest partner involved in a marriage for years , consider cheating , it means only one thing : marriage was over long back , the only remains are the contractual , or material binding . opinions please ? I don't agree. Haven't you seen all the marriages that remain intact during and after an affair? And for the record, a marriage is ONLY over once you are officially divorced. A couple can stay married for years, decades, or even a lifetime not feeling like they love each other anymore, but that is still a marriage. A dead marriage is still a marriage, as long as you are in it. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 As time passes , i have a strong feeling that when an honest partner involved in a marriage for years , consider cheating , it means only one thing : marriage was over long back This is "cheaters' excuses 101." It doesn't hold water. If your marriage is truly over...then divorce. If you are not divorced, you are married. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Don't just toss your marriage away because you are unsatisfied. Get into some counseling with your wife. If she refuses to work with you to fix the marriage in a way that both your needs are being met, and make the changes you need to be satisfied with her as a partner, THEN you move on to divorce. After divorce...flock anything you can get in bed. But don't throw your marriage away. That's just stupid. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I haven't cheated yet , though attempted a failing try . As time passes , i have a strong feeling that when an honest partner involved in a marriage for years , consider cheating , it means only one thing : marriage was over long back , the only remains are the contractual , or material binding . opinions please ? So who is the lucky lady that will sign up for being with a man who does not want to divorce? What is your game plan on finding a woman to accept your cheating solution? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Sometimes someone who has a loving and committed wife or husband, and a happy home life, cheats simply because they want more. They want more than any one person could ever give. Everything is golden, but they want more. These people would never of their own will, end the marriage. "I mean everything's great, but whats wrong with me having a little fun?" 5 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Ideally the marriages ends first. And that means bilaterally ended - ie one person says they want a divorce and the other acknowledges that fact and then one or both people acting on that. Not one person deciding on their own that the marriage is dead without discussing it with the other spouse. Because it is quite strange how often you read about that on here - one spouse being in a dead marriage and the other one being in a still-breathing one. Weird that If I thought my marriage was dead I can't help thinking that my spouse would notice too.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 You already told us that your marriage IS over and you moved out already?? So why would it be cheating if you get involved with someone else now?? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 You already told us that your marriage IS over and you moved out already?? So why would it be cheating if you get involved with someone else now?? Um.... it would be cheating if he did not inform his wife that they were officially separated and that it was his intent to divorce her. She has to have some kind of notice of his intent to see other people so that she, in turn, can make her own decisions about whether she wants to play the field herself, wait for him to sow his oats, or file for divorce herself. Just because he moved out does not automatically put the marital relationship on hold. Just because a person walks away does not negate their responsibilities to their spouse. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 marriage was over long back , the only remains are the contractual , or material binding . opinions please ? sounds like pure unadulterated horse**** to me. Are you trying to justify an affair because you have been tempted by another woman? lol. Guys get tempted ALL THE TIME...the good ones figure out how to resist that temptation. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 sounds like pure unadulterated horse**** to me. Are you trying to justify an affair because you have been tempted by another woman? lol. Guys get tempted ALL THE TIME...the good ones figure out how to resist that temptation. I don't think any particular woman has tempted him. I got the impression that he's looking for one. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I don't think any particular woman has tempted him. I got the impression that he's looking for one. I got the impression "attempted a failing try" meant he had approached a woman but she said no. I haven't cheated yet , though attempted a failing try . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 An affair is not necessarily the end of a marriage. In fact, most people would tell you that they didn't want an affair OR their marriage.... they wanted both. It's the end of total honesty, sure, and the end of a vow of fidelity, and of blind trust, and it's the end of a lot of things. But it's not a death sentence for a marriage. Nor is the end of said marriage a prerquisite for an affair. It's just a really ****ty thing one person does to another ( and to themselves) within the confines of their union. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I haven't cheated yet , though attempted a failing try . Once you do, you can't ever take it back. As time passes , i have a strong feeling that when an honest partner involved in a marriage for years , consider cheating , it means only one thing : marriage was over long back , the only remains are the contractual , or material binding .If a partner has been honest, there's no salient reason to depart from that perspective. Communicate, honestly, one's feelings regarding the M and, as appropriate, one's decision to gain companionship and/or sex elsewhere. Honesty is preserved. opinions please ?Think it through, make a decision and move forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I haven't cheated yet , though attempted a failing try . As time passes , i have a strong feeling that when an honest partner involved in a marriage for years , consider cheating , it means only one thing : marriage was over long back , the only remains are the contractual , or material binding. What you are actually trying to say is "Am I justified in cheating?" And the answer is no. You are not justified. All the "it's just contractual" stuff is nonsense people who want to cheat say so they don't feel bad for actually cheating. Tell your wife, get divorced, and then go fill your boots. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phoenician Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 let me give few answers and then move on : -when i asked what comes first : I meant , that I believe once someone just think about an affair even thinking , he/she must have a bad marriage ;like when i thought about it 2 yrs back , i knew that marriage is heading toward an edge irrespctive of affair. -I am seperated from my wife based on an agreement between me and her , i moved to another house last month , but NC can not be implemented , my kids request my -presence a lot of time . I am fully responsible to all expenses and duties; even the services (for the kids only). -when i attempted to cheat : I was on a business travel met a gorgeous lady ,whom I was a friend with before marriage , the day of big event , i just apologized to her and returned back to my wife . told her everything and that i want to have my life with her , never contacted that woman again ; so no the lady didn't refuse me , I refused her hoping that I will fix my marriage . -I considered cheating only after 15 years of disrespect , selfish acts, lazyness,+ a sex life that makes me try to initiate again and again and again for 15 dam years with no vain . -I got my first real french kiss after 9 years of marriage ( one that lasts more than 3 secs). -i am not a high demand person , i can live with once per week encounter ; what i faced are vanilla having me begg for sex for years , and appear as a sex maniac ... now all this is behind me, i don't care what ppl say about my marriage ; for me i am seperated , which means marriage is over . can not divorce due to kids and assets /financial issues . and yes i am seeking to find a woman , definitely not to marry her , at least for few years . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Phoenician Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 my marriage is over , and i will divorce legally her ass even if it is the last day of my life . this thread was open just as a self assessment to an idea : if a person thinks about cheating , I believe marriage have very serious problem , it means that the partner is not anymore suitable for such a sacred commitment . mind you that during my first 15 years of my marriage , i was derived ,not respected , etc ... yet , i never thought about cheating even though i could have easily done it , travelled to places were u can get a virgin teen for 20$ AND rich places in opportunity like amsterdam ,mosco and vega, yet never ever did anything wrong . Link to post Share on other sites
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