My Final Stand

[Clueless53]

I've made a few different threads explaining my situation, here is the short story.

 

W and I have been together 11 years and if we make it to October we will be married for 8.

 

We have 2 beautiful daughters 10 and 4

 

In 2008 I almost had a one night stand, would have went home with someone but I didn't and W still found out.

 

In 2011 I got laid off, my parents divorced for the 2nd time and my mother moved across the county, and I shut down. My W was always there for me she has seriously been the best W she could be, looking back now I'm surprised she stayed with me this long.

 

Here's a quick list of my issues:

• Stopped helping around the house
  
• Stopped making her my priority
  
• Stopped helping with the kids
  
• Didn't listen to her (when she hurt emotionally I didn't pay attention, or worse I fought with her)
  
• Stopped showing her the affection she deserved (would watch tv, play xbox, go out with friends, instead of being with her)
  
• I made her go to bed by herself at night
  
• I made her feel unloved, unwanted, and unappreciated
  

 

 

In February 2015 I had a short "emotional affair" over 4 days, W found out.

 

After the EA we started going to a MC. Yesterday was a first MC session since before she asked for the separation.

 

 

W and I have been separated for 3 weeks.

 

For the first 3 weeks I have done everything wrong. I smothered her with love when she kept asking for space. I made these huge grand gestures when she just wants to see the normal me. I keep trying to talk to her about "us" when she didn't even know what she wanted. I keep trying to tell her how much I need her. I haven't been a man, I have been needy, I have pushed her away.

 

I don't deserve another chance, I don't deserve her. She's so hurt and afraid I will just do it again. She is a strong woman but feels I have destroyed the person she used to be. I hurt so bad knowing what I have done to her, how I have made her feel.

 

I asked her last Wednesday if there was someone else, she told me she was asked on a date but told him it would be inappropriate right now, but she still talks with him. She met him for a drink the other night, says it wasn't a date, she met him there, had half a glass of wine, paid for it herself and went home.

 

I told her she has to choose me or him, if we are going to work he can't be in the picture.

 

Sunday, while we were sitting in the parking lot of our MC waiting for our appointment, she told me she has made up her mind and wants a divorce!

 

Our MC session lasted 2 hours, was only scheduled for 1.

 

I believe her when she says that talking with the OG is not romantic, but I still believe it's an EA. I have hurt her so much she needs a distraction, someone to talk to so she can forget about me. The MC and I both agreed that although her actions are not romantic in any way the OG's are. She said she doesn't care what his intentions are she is just using him.

 

I agree with her. It sounds crazy but my W, the MC, and I all agreed that she is doing this to get my attention, to get me to fight! She isn't hiding it from me in any way, she knows I can see (and look at it almost every hour) the text message history. By looking at it I see that every time we have "a talk" or I screw up she reaches out to him. The other night I was perfect, she never talked to him once.

 

I have been the worst husband anyone can be, my only hope is that she is still head-over-heels in love with me, her exact words. She just doesn't want to hurt anymore. We left the session agreeing there is still hope.

 

Today starts my final stand!

 

I honestly believe if my marriage is going to work I need to let her talk to the other guy, I need to let her date him if she wants. I also need to leave her alone.

 

I am going to step up and take care of my kids more. I am going to have fun with them and show them how much I love them.

 

I am going to stop looking for excuses to talk with my wife.

 

I am going to give her space and stop checking up on her.

 

I am going to win her back and let her see that I am listening to her, that I hear her, that I love her.

 

Today begins a new chapter in my life. This chapter will determine the success or fail of my marriage but at the end of it I will still be OK.

 

Regardless of what happens my life isn't over, it just wont be the same.

 

I love my W more then I could ever explain. I love her so much I will let her go if she is happier without me, and I will give her the chance to find out, the chance I haven't given her up to this point.

 

That is the only way I will get the chance I don't deserve.

 

It is the only way I will save my marriage.

[PurpleSky69]

Hi Clueless - I read through your post and much of it is very similar to how my husband is acting towards me and why he is losing me. So I will give you some feedback from your W point of view and some things my therapist has told me. My husband also has your list of issues plus some others including not spending time or help with the kids.

 

Its been 3 years of being alone for me. I feel heartbroken to think to leave and not have a 'family' anymore. But he has basically sucked the life out of me and left me alone for 3 years. I don't even feel married at this point and I am lonely without a partner. I'm sure you wife feels the same. My therapist has told me that if I decide to try to fix this we will have to start from the beginning again and really get to know each other over again because we don't even know each other anymore at this point. The only problem is I still have all the hurt and if he starts trying now I will feel its only because he knows he will lose me.

 

I know you are trying and even if he tried it would take a lot for me to really take him seriously. At this point, I dont' want my old husband back, I really want him to show me I am important - take me out on dates, help without asking, hug me for no reason, take care of his kids, be a man and not curl up in a ball and hide. Maybe you are doing these things already - but I will tell you a woman does not want to ask for these things. Keep helping and giving her attention, but don't smother her or it will push her farther away.

 

I hope I am not saying anything to make you feel bad, just being honest from my point of view and hope that it helps you some way. Hugs and I hope things work out for you.

[Clueless53]

Your point of view seems to be pretty much the same as my wife's. I am trying to win her back but feel like she is doing everything she can to make me fail. She started talking to another guy, she says it's not romantic or emotional and says she is using him to forget about the pain I have made her feel. To me it's the same as the emotional affair I had but she won't admit to that. To her she is not wrong. For 11 years she is the person I talked to about everything and now I can't tell her how I feel. I try really hard to give her space and control my emotions but with the other guy in the picture it makes it worse.

 

I had a complete emotional break down last night. A complete panic attack. I asked her to come to me and she did but rushed away using the dishes she left at home as an excuse, she really went out. I don't know if it was with friends or with him. But at my lowest point in my life I needed my wife and she chose someone else over me.

 

Tonight I am telling her I am walking away. I am going to tell her goodbye. I can't feel like I do anymore. She can't talk to another man and expect me to do what she needs. I can't do this.

 

I don't want a divorce, but I can't save my marriage in the situation it is in. She has to choose. I am walking away. And it is killing me

[understand50]

Good luck.

 

I hope you get the outcome you need and wont.

[Scatty]

Read "Surviving an Affai,r" His Needs, Her needs," and "LoveBusters with your wife. Good luck!

[Satu]

I honestly don't believe the picture you paint of yourself.

 

I don't believe you've done everything wrong, and are a complete failure as a husband and father.

 

You clearly love your wife and children.

 

You're clearly willing to take responsibility for your past actions, and sincerely want to do better.

 

This isn't all about you.

 

Something has to come from her.

 

The first thing would be cutting loose from the other guy.

 

Insist that she does that.

 

You have the right to insist that she does that.

 

Stand up for yourself.

 

She'll respect you more for doing it.

Edited June 30, 2015 by Satu

[I Just Wanna b Happy]

Your point of view seems to be pretty much the same as my wife's. I am trying to win her back but feel like she is doing everything she can to make me fail. She started talking to another guy, she says it's not romantic or emotional and says she is using him to forget about the pain I have made her feel. To me it's the same as the emotional affair I had but she won't admit to that. To her she is not wrong. For 11 years she is the person I talked to about everything and now I can't tell her how I feel. I try really hard to give her space and control my emotions but with the other guy in the picture it makes it worse.

 

I had a complete emotional break down last night. A complete panic attack. I asked her to come to me and she did but rushed away using the dishes she left at home as an excuse, she really went out. I don't know if it was with friends or with him. But at my lowest point in my life I needed my wife and she chose someone else over me.

 

Tonight I am telling her I am walking away. I am going to tell her goodbye. I can't feel like I do anymore. She can't talk to another man and expect me to do what she needs. I can't do this.

 

I don't want a divorce, but I can't save my marriage in the situation it is in. She has to choose. I am walking away. And it is killing me

 

Great points. It is time to walk away. I foolishly begged my wife to come back, fought as she had a "friend" and hurt as she abandoned me during my lowest point for somebody else. It was painful but I also knew I had to walk away. Be strong. Stick to plan and let us know how it went. As somebody who knows exactly what you're going through, I'm rooting for you.