PurpleSky69 Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I have been married to my H for 16 years. The past 3 years we have been physically, mentally and emotionally separate. He lives in another part of the house and comes home and goes right there - he hardly spends time with the kids unless they go to him. I know he is depressed but he won't go speak to someone. Without making this long, problems were caused after the adoption of a child (he changed his mind after 2 years when the adoption was being finalized). This is when he moved to another room because she was coming in bed with us, etc. We have another biological child. He is also a hoarder and this has been an issue since we married that he will not fix and I can't even go into his part of the house without getting upset. Ive tried to speak to him twice and nothing has changed. I don't think he has any idea I want to leave even though Ive told him Im done and have nothing to lose. I think he is ok to live like this, but I am sad and lonely and need a partner and I dont want my girls to think this is how a marriage should be. Im so done but I feel bad for him. I feel like his depression will get worse if I ask him to move out and he really has no family. Im torn between doing something to make me happy and feeling like I need to make sure he is ok since I am his wife. Im not sure if its better to stay for the kids so they don't have different holidays, visits, etc. I feel like leaving is a selfish thing to do but yet everyday Im sad and lonely. Im no longer attracted to him after all of this so I dont think this can be fixed and it makes me really sad. Just looking for anyone who has been through this or some feedback on what I am feeling, suggestions, helppppppppp. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I doesn't sound like a healthy situation for you or the kids. I'd may a list of the pros & cons. Also ask yourself the old Ann Landers Q: will you be better off with him or without him. When you answer that you will know what to do. If you & your kids are not already in counseling, get some. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PurpleSky69 Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 Thank you d0nnivain. I am going to counceling and have been for a while. I mentioned MC which he said he would do, but at this point I think I am so done and just want to be happy and have fun. I feel bad leaving someone who is depressed but I am getting depressed too and want to do fun things like my friends, go on dates, vacations, do stuff with the kids. Im not sure MC will help at this point except maybe to give him an uderstanding of why this is happening since we really don't talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PurpleSky69 Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 Has anyone else been in a situation like this and able to come back from it? I just don't know that he can change enough and I am afraid he will try to change once I say I'm leaving. He's had 3 years to try to fix this and has done nothing. I know its the depression too - which worries me. But am I stupid to stay because I feel bad for him or should I move on and try to be happy? Maybe this will give him a kick in the ass to get out of the house and spend more time with his kids also. Just looking for advice or similar situations to help me think through this. Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Has anyone else been in a situation like this and able to come back from it? I just don't know that he can change enough and I am afraid he will try to change once I say I'm leaving. He's had 3 years to try to fix this and has done nothing. I know its the depression too - which worries me. But am I stupid to stay because I feel bad for him or should I move on and try to be happy? Maybe this will give him a kick in the ass to get out of the house and spend more time with his kids also. Just looking for advice or similar situations to help me think through this. Hugs. Honestly, counseling is your only hope. Talking to him clearly has not worked. Counseling can work - IF you both want it to. And by "work" that doesn't necessarily mean you stay together, it could mean you both have a chance to be happy, apart. But it sounds as if he needs counseling either way, due to his depression and hoarding issues, if he is to be happy either way. Because you have children together and I suspect at one time you were happy together, I'd advise you to push him as hard as you can to enter joint counseling and take it seriously if there is to be any hope of saving your marriage. If that doesn't happen, then I don't see any alternative for you except to walk away and try to be happy on your own. Many of us here have been in your shoes - not exactly the same situation, but there is a lot of good advice here - keep posting and good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
starglider Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I initiated a separation from my husband of 10 years (we've been together a total of 15) and we've been separated for a month now. It took a while of talking about separation and then me backing down before we did it. During that period he did make an appointment with a MC for us. And during the time leading up to separation he did go on anti-depression meds. All of this has made it easier for him to deal with the separation, I believe. We still have a lot of contact over our D and our business and even managed to make it through a family vacation with another family that we had already booked. We're setting our separation up for 3 months total and then we'll check-in to evaluate our future (though this comes up all the time in MC). Even if your H makes changes and an effort late it the game, why not be open to that? This way when and if you leave for good, you'll know you really gave the M every chance, and given you've been together for so long, why not take your time to exhaust everything. Let things unfold slow, hard, and true, like a Russian novel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PurpleSky69 Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 Thank you both for your replies. I think we will go to counceling and see where that takes us. I just know a change has to happen soon - we both need to be happy. I plan to talk to him in the next few days and take it from there. Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 You should try the marriage counseling first but if he's not up for it or isn't putting the attention it requires then you need to worry about you and your kids. I was in a bad marriage that I was miserable in. I had two young kids and the thought of not kissing them goodnight each night if I left ripped my heart out. Finally, the ex and I were arguing (again) and my 5 YO came in crying, begging us to stop fighting. That was enough for me. We'd tried MC but she just wasn't willing or able to change. I was MISERABLE with her. I finally ended the marriage and moved out. Therapy taught me it's better for parents to divorce than to raise kids in a hostile environment between parents. I hope it works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Kiki123 Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I feel that you are going through something very similar to my situation...except we have been separated for almost two years. We've been in MC for almost 3 years and nothing has changed. I am struggling with the guilt of filing to the point of being in limbo. It's definitely not a healthy living. I have been seeing an IC for almost a year to work through my depression about the marriage and my feelings of guilt about wanting to end this marriage. I do believe you should try the therapy if you are considering a divorce only because you want the situation to change. However, if you are done, and just want the marriage to be over so you can move on, therapy will not help. Both my MC and my IC explained that if we BOTH weren't committed to saving the marriage, MC would not work. My husband, as it seems from his behavior, goes to MC only as a way to appease me. So, three years later, we are in the exact same place as we were from the beginning. If you decide to try therapy, set a time to reevaluate because you definitely don't want to end up in a cycle like the one I am currently experiencing. I wish you and your family the best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PurpleSky69 Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 I think we definitely need to try MC so I can at least say I tried everything. I wish I could change the way I feel but after 3 years he has 'turned me off' so much and Im not sure I can get that spark back. I can't imagine divorcing him and asking him to move out, yet I can't go on like this. I feel bad for him. We never fight so arguing is not an issue in our house - the bigger issue is no one talking about it. I have started to talk to my 14 yo. I put it off because I thought it was too soon or she was too young, but I'm glad I did because she was having her own thoughts and assuing the worst so I think she feels better now that we can talk about it. We do sound similiar Kiki as I hate to be the one to end this and I can't seem to do it, but I'm not sure its better to stay like this either. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I don't want my girls to think this is how a marriage should be. Sooner or later, every one of us in a deteriorating marriage realized you can't help someone not open to receiving it. You can throw a life ring to a drowning man, but if he refuses to catch it you won't succeed in saving him. And so you need to focus on saving yourself and your kids. Based on your H's choices, that's what is left to you. Hope you start today... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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