So what happens when he gets a divorce? (A long one!)

[Confused_One_82]

This is definitely my first post, after many years of reading and coming here to see other people's similar situations. This one is a question about any other person who's married man eventually became the “getting a divorce man”.

 

I've been involved with a married man for about 8 months now – it started with him pursuing me quite hard, laying on all of the charm, giving me the stories about how horrible things were at home, and how he couldn't leave due to money.

 

He's 14 years older than me and this is his second marriage (the first also ended in infidelity on his part and he has 2 children from that first marriage) - he has a bit of a shady past both professionally and personally.

 

Over the course of our "relationship" he's been very hot and cold (loves me one day, ambivalent and a jerk the other) - I do believe that the grass is always greener with him and he says what suits him at the moment. I also had continual beliefs that there were more other woman than just me and that this was not his first rodeo, even though he promised that it was.

 

He can never be wrong, things are not his fault - if I felt sad or pathetic when he would cancel on me he would spin that to how it was me making myself feel that way, not his inconsiderate actions having an impact on me. He's also the most charming person I've ever met – always giving me just enough to keep me there "I pray you;re single when my marriage falls apart because I will snatch you up in a heartbeat" "You're everything I want, one day you will be my wife" "I would never pass you up if I had the chance". Master manipulator, yet for some reason I have stuck around – I believe it's due to my own poor self-esteem (I am a nice person, quite pretty, great job, great family, funny, pure soul ... but what I see in the mirror does not always reflect that).

 

About a month ago I was finally pulling away – I had recognized that this wasn't going anywhere and was not something that was worth my time or heart. And then the ball dropped, his wife found out that he was cheating … not with me though, with another woman. He told me this, promised that this other woman was just a fling on the side, that there were no emotions like with us, and that all he wanted was a clean slate with me. I stupidly gave him one.

 

In the weeks following I came to be the person he relied on ... buying him stuff for his new place, giving him my opinion on his separation agreement, being on the other end of teary phone calls, helping him pick colours, being the only person in his life who was there for him (all of his other close friends chose her side in the divorce), etc.

 

He would talk about how he needed space but that we needed to start planning our November vacation to Cuba, how I had all of his love so he was ok with me taking care of him right now, how in a year from now if we were still single that we needed to buy a place together, and going through his finances and future plans with me and asking if anything was a "red flag" for me to continue with him. And on and on about how he was so amazed by my heart and how I was the only thing keeping him going.

 

We would hang out when we could ... but then I was told how it was awkward for him to hang out on a couch with another woman because he was only used to being with her like that for the last 5 years, how he needed time and wanted to be single and how he needed “me” time right now. The tides turned even more to him telling me that he's ok if I wanted to date other guys and how he wasn't going to be giving himself exclusively to anyone at the moment and that no one should be expecting that from him right now.

 

Needless to say I started to feel very used ... he wasn't giving me any of the things he had promised, he never asked about my day, how I was, I told him I had a funeral to go to and he didn't even ask about that. I voiced this to him and was told that he didn't need this drama right now and that this was why he wasn't getting involved with anyone because he wouldn't handle the conflict and drama well. Yet he still wants to come over to do his laundry and use me for things he needs.

 

I then found out that he went on a date Friday with a new woman he met at the gym ... all news to me. I didn't react very well and told him that after everything and if he loved me I should have been the first person he went on a date with … he felt that this was wrong, how I couldn't compare us to someone he just met, and that I want exclusivity and he was not prepared to give me that. Went on to talk about how the date with the new person was fun and how he hadn't even talked to her yet … and that I probably wasn't capable of that. I agree that 8 months later I'm definitely not capable of just being casual with him, but that comparing my reaction to that of a new person so fresh to the situation is not fair. The discussion continued and he refused to budge and basically told me that I was pushing him away with all of this (which triggered insecurities in me and I immediately felt like I was ruining it). I told him that I needed space to recalibrate and was going to take that ... until last night he feels the need to tell me about how great the paint in his new place looks and just wants to chat, etc.

 

I do love him (for some reason) and only wanted a fair shot at the life we had discussed ... I don't want to appear as needy, but I feel like there are certain things I deserve to be given based on everything that I've done and he's openly said to me.

 

Now the questions I have (finally) ... has anyone had any experience with their MM getting a divorce and acting like this? Any advice on how to navigate with a MM you thought you would have had a shot with who now wants to play the open field? Am I completely out of line to expect and want certain things after all of our intimacy and intimate conversations about a built future together? And the biggie ... does it appear that I am being completely used here?

 

My heart is so hurt right now. I really thought he would have given me a shot after everything ... I feel like I'm not enough if he's openly ok with seeing other women. And now to top it off I feel like I ruined it by asking him to make me a first choice.

[whatatangledweb]

He is an ass. He has cheated on every woman he has been with including you. He will continue to see more women. Unfortunately I feel he is using you just like he uses all women. He is not the man to give you what you want or need. He wants what he wants and no one's elses feelings matter. I'm sorry.

[Mount]

It is common sense and basic knowledge, and applies to ANY relationship, does not matter if it is affair or not affair relationship. When a man has affection to a woman, he wants to PROVIDE, wants to PROTECT and wants to GIVE, not the opposite taking things from Woman. Because it is basic animal instinct, applying to human being as well.

 

 

Should you see any man asking for money or things from you or woman, you should run immediately because that man is setting you up by using you to provide things for him, not because him has any feeling for you. Girls from kindergarten should know that already.

 

 

 

" Yet he still wants to come over to do his laundry and use me for things he needs."

Edited June 29, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of starting post

[truncated]

You most certainly do deserve better than he is giving you. It sounds like he is cake eating again. he wants to have both you and someone else as well. you, because you are steady, have been there for him and are his "rock", and someone else because he is like a little boy always wanting something shiny and new.

 

You need to convince yourself that you deserve to find someone who is worthy of the love you have to give, and it sounds like you have a lot. Love isn't tying someone's mind and heart up into knots the way he is doing to you.

[goodyblue]

Sweet baby Jesus. Whyyyyyy would you put up with this kind of treatment from ANYONE let alone someone you have stood by during his 'time of need'??? Run.

 

Maybe it is just me but I would never speak to that tool again. And I mean it. I would walk.

[Babs22]

You don't deserve to be taken for granted like this. Why would you let someone treat you this way? If I were you I'd walk away and fast. It sounds like you have only know each other less than a year. It is never going to get any better than this. This is the point in a relationship when a man should be giving it and you his all. He is dating other woman? How are you ok with this? He doesn't love you so you are going to have to love yourself enough to move on.

[beach]

Yes - he's using you. Because you allow it.

 

He's really not a nice man.

 

I hope you end it completely and take care of yourself - he's not adding positive things to your life.

[goodyblue]

This almost feels like you have stepped into the safe 'wife' role and he is trolling for an OW.

[Mascara]

It's quite common, yes. Whilst married, very few women would be willing to have an affair with him, so he can only choose from those women who would. Once he's single, he has many more options. Anecdotally I've seen this to be the case, even with those men who truly believe they want to be with the OW. Within a few months of leaving the marriage, they see far more dating options available to them.

[Hope Shimmers]

Man, this loser makes my ex-MM look like freaking Prince Charming.

 

Re-read your post as if this was your best friend telling you this story. What would you tell her?

 

You already know the answer to the questions you are asking, as evidenced by your comments throughout ("I stupidly gave him one" etc).

 

If there is anything I have learned through my own experiences in life, it's this: When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time. This cad repeatedly showed you what kind of man he is. Even before you got involved with him there were many red flags (previous divorce due to his infidelity, "shady" professional and personal past). Why did you think he would be any different with you?

 

Even a guy who isn't a creep and a cheater will need time after a divorce. Everyone does. It almost never works for someone to jump straight into ANY relationship after a divorce.

 

Run, run, RUN....

[Popsicle]

i would say that he wasn't or isn't ready for love and a close relationship yet. He probably just needs something casual so he can regain his balance and independence. He may appear in need, but you need to stop offering things to him (including your sympathetic ear, which leads to you offering other things) and let him do his own life.

[HappyAgain2014]

Seriously... What would he have to do to make you end this?

 

The issue here isn't that he's a divorcing man.

 

Issue is he's a spoiled child trapped in a man's body.

 

If you told him you're done being his maid and ATM, he'd emotionally batter you and tell you how selfish you were before dumping you. He's a classic user. Once he sucks you dry, he's done.

 

Seriously... Run the other way.

[Quiet Storm]

You say you deserve better (and you do), but you have continually accepted less than you deserve. You still love him, even though he clearly is not worthy of your love.

 

You rightfully feel that he should see your devotion and appreciate it, but that's not how it works with these guys. Accepting less than you deserve and loving him "in spite" of the circumstances usually won't result in a MM being grateful. Instead it causes him to devalue you.

 

Think about it- here is a man who knows he's a cheater, a liar and has not treated you well. He knows you want to be his first date. He knows you want a commitment. But instead of thinking "Wow, she must really love me to put up with all this, now I can finally be the man she deserves", he thinks "Why the heck would she put up with all that?" I've seen this happen on this board and in life- when some MM leave their marriage, they'll use OW's actions in the affair against her. It's not right, and is just more evidence of his poor character.

 

The truth is, his behavior should turn you off. It should make you see he's a jerk, a serial cheater and does not have the qualities to be a committed partner. I think you know these things intellectually, but your emotions are still caught up in the "love". And guys like this will just see that unconditional love as weakness in you- they'll think "I can do whatever I want and treat her like crap, and she'll still love me". They'll blame you for participating in affair that they initiated, and judge you for loving them. It really sucks and is a total mind f(ck.

 

You also have to consider this -a married guy who cheats doesn't have many options for an OW. He has to find women who are willing to have an affair with him. He likely tried to charm many other women while he was married, but most women shut a married guy down and say "No, let me know when you're single". These women wouldn't engage with him before, but they will now that he's single. And since he knows you were OK being an OW, he probably thinks you'll still be OK with sharing him, which doesn't prompt him to be a better man for you.

 

I want to make it clear that I'm not saying you deserve to be devalued, because you don't. His opinion has no bearing whatsoever on your value or worth as a person. His behavior is a reflection of his character, and has nothing to do with you. I'm just trying to explain how a cheating guy who has been "released" from his married might think, and why he is behaving this way. He is not a good guy.

Edited June 29, 2015 by Quiet Storm

[whichwayisup]

This is definitely my first post, after many years of reading and coming here to see other people's similar situations. This one is a question about any other person who's married man eventually became the “getting a divorce man”.

 

I've been involved with a married man for about 8 months now – it started with him pursuing me quite hard, laying on all of the charm, giving me the stories about how horrible things were at home, and how he couldn't leave due to money.

 

He's 14 years older than me and this is his second marriage (the first also ended in infidelity on his part and he has 2 children from that first marriage) - he has a bit of a shady past both professionally and personally.

 

So, he's older than you, he's a known cheater (let's say serial cheater as he keeps on having affairs while married and he won't change ways - More on that later...)

 

BIG RED FLAGS. Do you see them already?

 

Over the course of our "relationship" he's been very hot and cold (loves me one day, ambivalent and a jerk the other) - I do believe that the grass is always greener with him and he says what suits him at the moment. I also had continual beliefs that there were more other woman than just me and that this was not his first rodeo, even though he promised that it was.

This is not love, it's an ugly affair dynamic, the hot/cold, come here, go away game. That's unhealthy and damaging to YOU!

He can never be wrong, things are not his fault - if I felt sad or pathetic when he would cancel on me he would spin that to how it was me making myself feel that way, not his inconsiderate actions having an impact on me. He's also the most charming person I've ever met – always giving me just enough to keep me there "I pray you;re single when my marriage falls apart because I will snatch you up in a heartbeat" "You're everything I want, one day you will be my wife" "I would never pass you up if I had the chance". Master manipulator, yet for some reason I have stuck around – I believe it's due to my own poor self-esteem (I am a nice person, quite pretty, great job, great family, funny, pure soul ... but what I see in the mirror does not always reflect that).

 

More red flags. What is it that you actually 'love' about him? Seems like he has a shi.tty personality and isn't that nice or kind of a person in general. Hence too, he's been divorced twice already.

About a month ago I was finally pulling away – I had recognized that this wasn't going anywhere and was not something that was worth my time or heart. And then the ball dropped, his wife found out that he was cheating … not with me though, with another woman. He told me this, promised that this other woman was just a fling on the side, that there were no emotions like with us, and that all he wanted was a clean slate with me. I stupidly gave him one.

 

Serial cheater. Yet you still want him? A man who will more than likely not only continue to break your heart but give you an STD!

In the weeks following I came to be the person he relied on ... buying him stuff for his new place, giving him my opinion on his separation agreement, being on the other end of teary phone calls, helping him pick colours, being the only person in his life who was there for him (all of his other close friends chose her side in the divorce), etc.

 

He's using you. And you're letting him! STOP!!

He would talk about how he needed space but that we needed to start planning our November vacation to Cuba, how I had all of his love so he was ok with me taking care of him right now, how in a year from now if we were still single that we needed to buy a place together, and going through his finances and future plans with me and asking if anything was a "red flag" for me to continue with him. And on and on about how he was so amazed by my heart and how I was the only thing keeping him going.

 

More manipulation.

We would hang out when we could ... but then I was told how it was awkward for him to hang out on a couch with another woman because he was only used to being with her like that for the last 5 years, how he needed time and wanted to be single and how he needed “me” time right now. The tides turned even more to him telling me that he's ok if I wanted to date other guys and how he wasn't going to be giving himself exclusively to anyone at the moment and that no one should be expecting that from him right now.

 

Needless to say I started to feel very used ... he wasn't giving me any of the things he had promised, he never asked about my day, how I was, I told him I had a funeral to go to and he didn't even ask about that. I voiced this to him and was told that he didn't need this drama right now and that this was why he wasn't getting involved with anyone because he wouldn't handle the conflict and drama well. Yet he still wants to come over to do his laundry and use me for things he needs.

 

Using you and knowing how to get what he wants from you. He knows your weaknesses. Please, stop and stay away from him! He is a devil in disguise!

 

I then found out that he went on a date Friday with a new woman he met at the gym ... all news to me. I didn't react very well and told him that after everything and if he loved me I should have been the first person he went on a date with … he felt that this was wrong, how I couldn't compare us to someone he just met, and that I want exclusivity and he was not prepared to give me that.

 

He isn't faithful to his wife so why he would be faithful to you? He is a serial cheater and doesn't care about anybody but himself!

 

Went on to talk about how the date with the new person was fun and how he hadn't even talked to her yet … and that I probably wasn't capable of that. I agree that 8 months later I'm definitely not capable of just being casual with him, but that comparing my reaction to that of a new person so fresh to the situation is not fair. The discussion continued and he refused to budge and basically told me that I was pushing him away with all of this (which triggered insecurities in me and I immediately felt like I was ruining it). I told him that I needed space to recalibrate and was going to take that ... until last night he feels the need to tell me about how great the paint in his new place looks and just wants to chat, etc.

 

Now he is blaming you for not having faith in him and not trusting him. Yuck!

I do love him (for some reason) and only wanted a fair shot at the life we had discussed ... I don't want to appear as needy, but I feel like there are certain things I deserve to be given based on everything that I've done and he's openly said to me.

 

Why do you love a married serial cheater who treats you like shi.t?? What is it that you actually love about him? Do a list. Really, dig down deep and figure it out. This guy is SCUM and you deserve better.

Now the questions I have (finally) ... has anyone had any experience with their MM getting a divorce and acting like this? Any advice on how to navigate with a MM you thought you would have had a shot with who now wants to play the open field? Am I completely out of line to expect and want certain things after all of our intimacy and intimate conversations about a built future together? And the biggie ... does it appear that I am being completely used here?

 

YOU ARE BEING USED. Big time. He isn't in love with you. He is not leaving his wife for you. He'll never be a stand up, faithful honest man. EVER!! He is a user and again, yes you are being used by him.

My heart is so hurt right now. I really thought he would have given me a shot after everything ... I feel like I'm not enough if he's openly ok with seeing other women. And now to top it off I feel like I ruined it by asking him to make me a first choice.

 

Please, do yourself a favor and end it with him.

 

Nobody is enough for him because he's selfish and feels entitled to do as he pleases with whatever woman he wants at that particular moment.

[Confused_One_82]

First, thank you to everyone that replied – much appreciated and I definitely see a resounding trend in all of your responses. I;m sad to say that what I wrote was quite sugarcoated from what has happened.

 

A question that came up a few times was why did I stay / why are you still there ... when I first met this MM last September I was in a emotionally abusive and neglectful relationship that had really hammered me down over the last 6 years. I was amazed that this handsome and confident older man was paying so much attention to me, showering me with compliments, putting out SO much effort. I did resist this MM until February, after I had ended things with the 6-year-man – but leading up to that it was constant contact, compliments, complaints about how he was miserable at home, and things feeding my crushed ego (it's sounds bad, but I have to own up to that). So he basically filled a very big void that I had in me – his compliments and "love" became something that I used to make myself feel worthy. A dangerous path, because the second he started taking it away I was lost.

 

I've tried several times to end things and always come back – he'll never ignore me, he’'l always let things start again, and says no matter what we will be friends. But he does not chase – has directly said that he knows I'll always come back because I love him.

 

I don't think I truly love him, but love the feelings his attention sparked – meaning I should focus on finding a man that I love AND makes me feel great (what a novel concept, lol)

 

As you can probably tell, logically I do see that he is bad ... that he will always cheat ... that he will never treat a woman respectfully for very long ... that all of his relationships are doomed to fail. Emotionally I;m having a hard time trusting that - the little voice in my heart asks questions like "Maybe if you had been more patient like he said, he would have wanted you and you would have ended up together?", "Maybe if you weren't so available he would have stayed more interested and wouldn't be taking another woman out" ... basically telling myself that I screwed this up by confronting him about seeing other people, telling him I felt used - I should have just been patient. He's been good at reinforcing that. I'm also very wrapped up in the idea that he'll find someone new and be incredibly happy and all the things he promised me ... and that I lost out on that.

 

My self-worth is very much tied up in this right now ... and it's hard to reconcile with the fact that he's probably been lying the whole time and there was nothing I could do to change it.

[finally43]

I agree with all the others. Even my xMM would never have done even 1/4 of the mean things yours is doing and YOU ARE ALLOWING!

 

You are his bed buddy, when he has no other woman at the moment. Why in the world do you think it is okay for him to date others and tell toy about it if you are the woman he claims he is gonna have a future with? There is no "future" with him. He is enjoying his freedom, he enjoys knowing all he has to do is call and you come running, he has no respect for you (and you know this). 8 months...be glad it hasn't been 8 years of you being his bed buddy, only for him to tell you about his dates!

[RoseVille]

Over the course of our "relationship" he's been very hot and cold (loves me one day, ambivalent and a jerk the other) - I do believe that the grass is always greener with him and he says what suits him at the moment.

 

He can never be wrong, things are not his fault - if I felt sad or pathetic when he would cancel on me he would spin that to how it was me making myself feel that way, not his inconsiderate actions having an impact on me.

 

"I would never pass you up if I had the chance"

 

He would talk about how he needed space but [still wants you there for him]

 

We would hang out when we could ... but then I was told how it was awkward for him to hang out on a couch with another woman because he was only used to being with her like that for the last 5 years, how he needed time and wanted to be single and how he needed “me” time right now.

 

I voiced this to him and was told that he didn't need this drama right now and that this was why he wasn't getting involved with anyone because he wouldn't handle the conflict and drama well. Yet he still wants to come over to do his laundry and use me for things he needs.

 

I could have, and I think I actually have, written many of these same things. If not here, to other posters offline.

 

Now the questions I have (finally) ... has anyone had any experience with their MM getting a divorce and acting like this?

 

Not when getting a divorce, but while still in the A.

 

Any advice on how to navigate with a MM you thought you would have had a shot with who now wants to play the open field? Am I completely out of line to expect and want certain things after all of our intimacy and intimate conversations about a built future together? And the biggie ... does it appear that I am being completely used here?

 

Just to the bolded: Yes, you are. Your expectations and wants are fair and justfied, but it's clear that he's unwilling and unable to make good on his promises, as his past rodeos and current behavior reflect.

 

I feel like I'm not enough if he's openly ok with seeing other women. And now to top it off I feel like I ruined it by asking him to make me a first choice.

 

You are enough. You didn't ruin anything. He's wholly incapable of ever being what you need and want.

 

You're seeing him for who he truly is.

[Southern Sun]

First, thank you to everyone that replied – much appreciated and I definitely see a resounding trend in all of your responses. I;m sad to say that what I wrote was quite sugarcoated from what has happened.

 

A question that came up a few times was why did I stay / why are you still there ... when I first met this MM last September I was in a emotionally abusive and neglectful relationship that had really hammered me down over the last 6 years. I was amazed that this handsome and confident older man was paying so much attention to me, showering me with compliments, putting out SO much effort. I did resist this MM until February, after I had ended things with the 6-year-man – but leading up to that it was constant contact, compliments, complaints about how he was miserable at home, and things feeding my crushed ego (it's sounds bad, but I have to own up to that). So he basically filled a very big void that I had in me – his compliments and "love" became something that I used to make myself feel worthy. A dangerous path, because the second he started taking it away I was lost.

 

I've tried several times to end things and always come back – he'll never ignore me, he’'l always let things start again, and says no matter what we will be friends. But he does not chase – has directly said that he knows I'll always come back because I love him.

 

I don't think I truly love him, but love the feelings his attention sparked – meaning I should focus on finding a man that I love AND makes me feel great (what a novel concept, lol)

 

As you can probably tell, logically I do see that he is bad ... that he will always cheat ... that he will never treat a woman respectfully for very long ... that all of his relationships are doomed to fail. Emotionally I;m having a hard time trusting that - the little voice in my heart asks questions like "Maybe if you had been more patient like he said, he would have wanted you and you would have ended up together?", "Maybe if you weren't so available he would have stayed more interested and wouldn't be taking another woman out" ... basically telling myself that I screwed this up by confronting him about seeing other people, telling him I felt used - I should have just been patient. He's been good at reinforcing that. I'm also very wrapped up in the idea that he'll find someone new and be incredibly happy and all the things he promised me ... and that I lost out on that.

 

My self-worth is very much tied up in this right now ... and it's hard to reconcile with the fact that he's probably been lying the whole time and there was nothing I could do to change it.

 

Oh, wow. I see so many issues here.

 

First, this man is a disgusting, manipulative pig. Have you ever researched psychopathy? Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Please look it up.

 

I would almost call him a predator. The fact that you were already low from a previous abusive relationship makes you very vulnerable to another one. You were easy pickings for him. Do you understand that? The charm, the constant contact, the compliments in the beginning, only for it to change drastically later - it's called love-bombing and it's a set up for manipulation.

 

These types of men will NEVER end things, it's always in his best interest to just let it keep going. Why would he end it? You keep taking it and he gets to have his fun on the side. They just like to let it stay open-ended. He won't chase you. He doesn't "need" you. He shows you himself he'll go out and find someone else when he feels like it. It always works out for him. How is it working for you?

 

And now he has you right where he wants you - questioning YOURSELF. No one questions the jerk - exactly the one who should be examined.

 

Please stop. Please. He is truly a messed up person. You've completely handed him all of your self-esteem. He was the person that made you feel better in the beginning and you are looking to him now for that same reassurance, but all he's doing is sucking the life out of you. You need to get away from him.

 

Ask me how I know...

[RightThere]

My self-worth is very much tied up in this right now ... and it's hard to reconcile with the fact that he's probably been lying the whole time and there was nothing I could do to change it.

 

It's tough to realize that you have zero control (let me emphasize the ZERO CONTROL) over other people and how they act and think. You would love to be able to change your man, but what you see is what he actually is. Nothing more, nothing less. You just need to realize that your self worth is tied up in you, and not the pretend man you think you have.

 

 

"Maybe if you had been more patient like he said, he would have wanted you and you would have ended up together?", "Maybe if you weren't so available he would have stayed more interested and wouldn't be taking another woman out" ... basically telling myself that I screwed this up by confronting him about seeing other people, telling him I felt used - I should have just been patient.

 

I know, that you know, that is total nonsense. But it's hard to reason with the mental picture that is running through your head (maybe if I did this instead, we could have that perfect relationship that I imagined). Focus on yourself and you'll eventually come to that "A-HA" moment when reality sets in and you realize this is just a manipulative jerk who will continue to string you along until you stand up for yourself. Because no one else will.

[Fugu]

I do love him (for some reason) and only wanted a fair shot at the life we had discussed ... I don't want to appear as needy, but I feel like there are certain things I deserve to be given based on everything that I've done and he's openly said to me.

 

Here's the lesson to be learned here: the things he said, don't matter a damn. It's not what people say that really matters, it's what they do. Actions, not words, reveal the truth.

 

And the biggie ... does it appear that I am being completely used here?

 

Yep. You got f*cked...and not in the way you wanted. Your relationship was based on dishonesty. A relationship that starts with dishonesty usually ends with the same.

 

My heart is so hurt right now. I really thought he would have given me a shot after everything ... I feel like I'm not enough if he's openly ok with seeing other women. And now to top it off I feel like I ruined it by asking him to make me a first choice.

 

You didn't ruin anything. There was never anything for you to ruin. The problem is that you bought what he was selling, but he was a short-term trader, not a long-term investor.

[Fugu]

I do love him (for some reason) and only wanted a fair shot at the life we had discussed ... I don't want to appear as needy, but I feel like there are certain things I deserve to be given based on everything that I've done and he's openly said to me.

 

Here's the lesson to be learned here: the things he said, don't matter a damn. It's not what people say that really matters, it's what they do. Actions, not words, reveal the truth.

 

And the biggie ... does it appear that I am being completely used here?

 

Yep. You got f*cked...and not in the way you wanted. Your relationship was based on dishonesty. A relationship that starts with dishonesty usually ends with the same.

 

My heart is so hurt right now. I really thought he would have given me a shot after everything ... I feel like I'm not enough if he's openly ok with seeing other women. And now to top it off I feel like I ruined it by asking him to make me a first choice.

 

You didn't ruin anything. There was never anything for you to ruin. The problem is that you bought what he was selling, but he was a short-term trader, not a long-term investor.

 

Not trying to make you feel worse. You can learn from this one and take it forward into building more meaningful relationships for yourself in the future. Good luck.

 

Edit: Sorry, double post.

[Confused_One_82]

Thanks again everyone for your thoughtful responses.

 

It is comforting to see that the things I've been feeling in my gut, but ignoring, appear to be the truth ... my emotions just keep telling me that I’m interpreting him wrong and am overthinking things (he likes to tell me that I’m overthinking things a lot ... and that I need to learn to just go with the flow).

 

It's like that line from the movie The Holiday "Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time he does something that tells you he's no good, you ignore it. And every time he comes through and suprises you, he wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that he's not for you."

 

 

First, this man is a disgusting, manipulative pig. Have you ever researched psychopathy? Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Please look it up.

 

I would almost call him a predator. The fact that you were already low from a previous abusive relationship makes you very vulnerable to another one. You were easy pickings for him. Do you understand that? The charm, the constant contact, the compliments in the beginning, only for it to change drastically later - it's called love-bombing and it's a set up for manipulation.

 

 

The mentioning of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Psychopathy is right on (even mores by the fact that I was only 28 when all of this started)... I actually have a graduate degree in Psychology (specializing in that sort of stuff) and yet I'm blind to it in my own life. Oh the irony.

 

I'm going to try hard to go NC from this point on.

 

I do have 2 questions that would benefit from any and all insight –

 

1) Do men like this always cheat? I do worry that he'll come out of this peachy and healthy and happy

2) How do men like this tend to respond to NC and/or distancing by the OW?

[Lois_Griffin]

1) Do men like this always cheat? I do worry that he'll come out of this peachy and healthy and happy

Who cares? This isn't about HIM.

 

2) How do men like this tend to respond to NC and/or distancing by the OW?

Who cares? This isn't about HIM.

 

Why are you so concerned with his behavior? He's already shown you what a complete piece of sh*t he is, so who cares WHAT he does or HOW he reacts?

 

It's about YOU now, remember?

[Grapesofwrath]

Oh, honey, no. Don't give this man anything more. Yes, this is a man who always cheats. Always, always, always. Count on it. This is a man who always lies. This is a man who always manipulates. The good feelings he created in the beginning were an illusion. It's called "love bombing."

 

I had one of these. The first attempt at NC he responded with tears and begging for another chance. Idiotically, I gave it to him. Second attempt at NC, I never opened the door to find out his reaction. Don't make that same mistake.

 

This situation will not improve. Fortunately, it's been only 8 months. You have not wasted much time. Do yourself the biggest favor of your life and end this relationship. today. Like...20 minutes ago. Return any of his belongings via UPS or whatever is similar in your area. Tell him you are done. Then go NC. Serious, stone-wall, iron-clad NC. It may be tough for a few days, but you will feel so much better.

[Southern Sun]

The mentioning of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Psychopathy is right on (even mores by the fact that I was only 28 when all of this started)... I actually have a graduate degree in Psychology (specializing in that sort of stuff) and yet I'm blind to it in my own life. Oh the irony.

 

I'm going to try hard to go NC from this point on.

 

I do have 2 questions that would benefit from any and all insight –

 

1) Do men like this always cheat? I do worry that he'll come out of this peachy and healthy and happy

2) How do men like this tend to respond to NC and/or distancing by the OW?

 

If he is indeed NPD or Psychopathic, it doesn't matter whether he will always cheat or not (though I'm giving it a 99.9% chance that he will) - but he WILL always make you miserable. He will never be healthy and happy, but whether HE knows that is up for debate. None of that matters. You need to be worried about you and your own health and happiness, neither of which you have right now. He will never give it to you.

 

As far as how he'll respond to NC, it depends. It sounds like he'll be the type to initially let you go. Then after some amount of time, he'll show back up JUST to prove he still has some control over you. He will pretend he misses you, only to disappear again or simply become the same jerk he's proven himself to be. If you fall for it, you'll see that I'm telling you the truth. The pattern will emerge. It is always about him and his ability to control you.

 

You need to totally get away from him. Getting away will give you clarity. I'm not talking about some half-assed attempt at NC either - I mean change your number if you have to, change your email, block him everywhere. You need to know that he literally cannot access you, so the anxiety of wondering if he has even tried is gone. You will feel a weight lifted off your shoulders. You'll question yourself at some point, think maybe you were wrong about him, especially when he shows up and love-bombs you all over again. But he'll continue to prove he's the same user POS, every time. The quicker you get out, the sooner you start your recovery.