tlmp Posted May 1, 2005 Share Posted May 1, 2005 okay, here's the deal.... i hung out with a new guy friend for the first time at his apartment. i have been with my current bf for about 7 months. iI LOVE HIM VERY MUCH. no question about that. i didnt tell him where i was going when i went to my new friends house. i didnt even plan on going over there. i was just in the area and stopped by. the thing is, i feel really guilty about it! nothing happened or anything, but for some reason it felt wrong. and no, i am not attracted to this guy, so thats not the shame. i know my bf; if he knew i went to a guys house to hang out, he would be furious. he's is definately the jealous type. even though he knows how much i love him! (this happened last night, BTW) i feel like he knows i was over there, and if he dous, he would atuomatically assume something happened, even though i have never cheated on him. so since nothing happened, should i tell him i was there, or tell him and put a doubt in his mind? also, if i just bring it up, wont that make me look guilty? please respond fast. if i am goingto tell him, i want to do it soon. like today. the longer i wait to tell him (if i should), the worse it will look. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tlmp Posted May 1, 2005 Author Share Posted May 1, 2005 can someone please give me advice about my last topic!!! (have bf; hung out @ guy friends apartment; do i tell my bf?) i swear i am about to have a panic attack! Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted May 1, 2005 Share Posted May 1, 2005 Ok, How "furious" will he get? Will he hurt you? The problem here is that your bf is too jealous. I know many women think that if their bf is jealous, it means he really loves her. But that is totally wrong. Your bf shouldn't stop you from living your life. If you love someone, you also trust them. My ex used to be jealous of everything. Even if a guy just looked at me or talked to me. He would go crazy and start fights. After a while, he got dangerous. It was scary and it wasn't right. Another problem is that you didn't tell him where you were going. You should always be honest. Just mention it like you were going to the store or something. It is no big deal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tlmp Posted May 1, 2005 Author Share Posted May 1, 2005 oh no, hes not violent, esp to me. he might want to kick the guys butt, though! i know i should have told him before, but i didnt plan on going over there. i was down the street and stopped by to say hi. so you think io should just cll and tell him? i think he may already know, b/c he is not answering any of my calls. maybe one of his friends saw me leaving, or arriving at my friends place. i dont know... Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted May 1, 2005 Share Posted May 1, 2005 If he is really not speaking to you just becuase you visited a friend, then your bf's a scum bag. He doesn't OWN you. My violent ex would never have hit ME, but he was still violent because he was always getting in fights. You don't want to be in a relp with someone like that. If he can't handle you going to visit a friend, you would have done something eventually to piss him off. You can't walk on egg shells your whole life. I think you should break up with him. Of course, I'm sure you won't take my advice. Because I never would have either. But I think you've got to watch this guy for more signs of violence, jealous behavior and craziness. You didn't do anything wrong. If you talk to him today, just talk about your weekend normally. "Yesterday I went to the park and then I stopped by my friend's house for a little while. We talked about how much I love you,..." or whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tlmp Posted May 1, 2005 Author Share Posted May 1, 2005 Yeah! thats exactly what happened at his house, actually! but what happened was, i left my bf house and went to my friends on my way home (they live in the same suburb) i live like 30 miles away, and since iwas there, i decided to stop and say hi. but i was there for like, 2 hours! Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted May 1, 2005 Share Posted May 1, 2005 Well, whatever happens, don't let him make you think you did anything wrong, because you didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted May 1, 2005 Share Posted May 1, 2005 Hello, I guess my question would be how would you feel if the roles were reversed? How would you feel if your boyfriend went to visit a friend and later hung out with a new female friend in her apartment for two hours? How would you feel if he did not tell you about it because you he was afraid you would be jealous? Either you have respect and honesty in your relationship or you don't. You are on a very slippery slope here. I think you should tell him immediately. If he finds out later about it knowing you deliberately did not tell him then you will lose his trust permanently. Once you start hiding information from your significant other in a relationship it usually means the beginning of the end down the road. I strongly suggest that you tell him as soon as possible. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted May 2, 2005 Share Posted May 2, 2005 You have two things going on: 1) There's no need for you to be hanging out with this guy, attracted or not, at his apartment, especially when it was just a drop by. So it is a little odd, no matter what. Not huge, just odd. 2) You didn't tell him about it. Whether he's extra jealous (which is dopey and weak) or not, at some level you assumed it was incorrect. I'd just tell him casually and get it over with. If he reacts too harshly, then he's not for you anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted May 2, 2005 Share Posted May 2, 2005 Originally posted by Cecelius 1) There's no need for you to be hanging out with this guy, attracted or not, at his apartment, especially when it was just a drop by. So it is a little odd, no matter what. Not huge, just odd. Why is this weird? Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted May 2, 2005 Share Posted May 2, 2005 What?! She can't go over to a friend's house?? The problem here is her "furious" boyfriend, NOT going over to see a friend! Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted May 2, 2005 Share Posted May 2, 2005 Thanks B_otter, I thought I was crazy or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted May 2, 2005 Share Posted May 2, 2005 "Odd" is my euphemism. In my opinion, it is in a small way not appropriate and is not necessary. It's not worth the b/f freaking out over it (he's just insecure). If the b/f were posting here, I'd suggest he not give it another thought, but take his attention out of a long term relationship and focus on other girls. If he can't bring enough game for his g/f not to be hanging out at some other dude's house, he needs to practice on other girls. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted May 2, 2005 Share Posted May 2, 2005 Please.. If this girl posted that her bf was spotted coming out of some girl's house last night and never said anything about it to her and she doesn't know who the girl is, all the female posters here would be slamming the guy saying she should drop him. To the OP: If he already knows, then it looks bad that you didn't tell him what was going on, regardless of what actually happened. It's not unnatural to assume a reason for not bringing it up to him ahead of time. People can avoid a lot of drama in their relationships by not doing something they wouldn't want their SO to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted May 2, 2005 Share Posted May 2, 2005 Originally posted by tanbark813 People can avoid a lot of drama in their relationships by not doing something they wouldn't want their SO to do. Word. Regardless of circumstance.. IMO If you'd be good to go with your SO doing whatever then probably no reason to worry about things.. but if you wouldn't be down for it... then yeah, probably not a good idea. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted May 2, 2005 Share Posted May 2, 2005 And if he's so jealous, insecure, posessive and controlling that he would get furious for you having a friend of the opposite sex, then, according to you guys, instead of taking that as a BIG HUGE THROBBING WARNING SIGN, you shut the f*ck up and be obedient and do what he wants you to do? Screw that. I had that relationship last year. It sucked. I should have dumped his ass when I realized how crazily posessive and jealous he was. Instead I waited around and tried to please him and now I have to do all the restraining order court date bullsh*t. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted May 2, 2005 Share Posted May 2, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter And if he's so jealous, insecure, posessive and controlling that he would get furious for you having a friend of the opposite sex, then, according to you guys, instead of taking that as a BIG HUGE THROBBING WARNING SIGN, you shut the f*ck up and be obedient and do what he wants you to do? Screw that. I had that relationship last year. It sucked. I should have dumped his ass when I realized how crazily posessive and jealous he was. Instead I waited around and tried to please him and now I have to do all the restraining order court date bullsh*t. Oh, I agree completely. If he's insecure, then he should get dumped. I just think as part of his getting secure, he should understand that if his g/f is visiting a male friend at the male friend's house, he needs to grab his b@lls and get his game together. If he can't get his game up and she still needs to see the friend, then he needs a new g/f. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted May 2, 2005 Share Posted May 2, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter And if he's so jealous, insecure, posessive and controlling that he would get furious for you having a friend of the opposite sex, then, according to you guys, instead of taking that as a BIG HUGE THROBBING WARNING SIGN, you shut the f*ck up and be obedient and do what he wants you to do? Screw that. I had that relationship last year. It sucked. I should have dumped his ass when I realized how crazily posessive and jealous he was. Instead I waited around and tried to please him and now I have to do all the restraining order court date bullsh*t. I am not saying she should shut up and be obediant or do what he wants her to do... I was concurring that when you're in a relationship with someone that IMO whats good for him, he betta know is going to be good for me as well... if it's okay for him to go to his females friends house then it's good for me as well... I was in a possesive, controlling, jealous to the extreme relationship and it sucked... but the thing was there what was good for him, was good for him and what was good for me was whatever HE said was good for me... My point was/is when you're in a relationship with someone IMO it needs to be okay for both people. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted May 2, 2005 Share Posted May 2, 2005 OK that makes more sense. Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted May 2, 2005 Share Posted May 2, 2005 She didn't say "my bf is insecure", she said "my bf would get furious." This is a whole different matter. the reason she didn't tell him is because she is afraid of him. I know, I know that he wouldn't physically hurt her, but emotional controlling behavior doesn't have to be physical. And if I found out my bf was seen leaving another person's house last night, I wouldn't think anything of it. I don't OWN him, he can have friends. The reason is that I totally trust him. Sounds like there's a lack of trust in this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted May 2, 2005 Share Posted May 2, 2005 Well, of course he doesn't have the right to get furious. Moreover, he shouldn't bother being furious; he should just either bring up his game so she doesn't need to hang at this guys house or find another girl. Link to post Share on other sites
KatE7 Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 I agree with all the people who said that if you wouldn't be alright with that happening with you, then you shouldn't be doing it. My bf can be quite jealous, but....people should keep in mind, that doesn't always mean they're controlling. I've been in VERY controlling relationships, this isn't one of them, but yes....he can still get jealous. As can I. If you care about someone that much, then you'll worry about their safety, their happiness, and honestly....how other people think of them. If it wasn't a big deal and honestly nothing happened, and it was ALL innocent (btw - you weren't really just 'in the area', you were at your boyfriend's....which is why you were in the area.) If they live in the same subdivision, that means you made the decision spur of the moment while driving by his house kinda thing? Alright....but anyway, if it was all innocent, then why be so worried? He gets jealous, fine.....say "oh, I stopped by to see what so-and-so was up to yesterday when I was passing by his house...." If you keep hiding it, then yes, when you tell him 2 weeks later or he hears it from a friend, he will get pissed. Because by that point your hiding it makes it seem REALLY suspicious. Link to post Share on other sites
snooooop Posted May 7, 2005 Share Posted May 7, 2005 Well it depends if you did anything or not, some times a lie can make you both happier than the truth ever could. Link to post Share on other sites
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