the ONE thing from her past I wish I could forget...

[eve_k]

But if it was really about feeling judged, then why would she be so resistant to having kinky sex with me? I've been pushing for kinky sex from day one, mainly because she made it clear from the start that kinky sex is what she's into, and I wanted to give her that. So why now is she so resistant? I'm clearly not going to judge her for having wild sex with me. But now she's like "nope, not gonna happen, and if you don't like it, too bad. That's just not my thing." But it's the opposite of what she was saying a few months ago. Peoples sexual fetishes don't change that quickly. And I'm obviously not going to judge her for doing kinky stuff with me...

 

Getting freaky with your boyfriend is worlds away from selling your body or cheating on someone. I'm not asking her to do any of the things I judged her for. I certainly don't want her selling herself to old men or cheating on me. But I'd like to explore some of the stuff she repeatedly stressed she is into.

 

You fail to understand how things work.

 

People get freaky in two ways.

 

Some people need emotional detachment and only freak out with casual partners.

 

Some people need a trusting bond with a well known partner, and love to freak out.

 

You guys are in love, so if she is the first type of freak, that's your answer.

 

If she is second type of freak, you are not a trustworthy partner.

 

You are obsessed over her past, judgmental, and have poor impulse control.

 

You cannot control your mental obsessions, how will you make sure you stop when she utters the safe word.

 

What you imagine as rape play is not rape play it's rape.

 

You cannot just humiliate your partner to your liking and call it BDSM.

 

People have boundaries, to discuss them she would need to trust you to not judge her, or push them...

 

You are already very pushy, judgey and obsessive.

 

She has no reason to trust you and get her freak on with you...

 

We do not do same sexual things with everyone...

 

For many people a man has to prove open minded, in control of his urges, and trustworthy for people to want to explore their kinks with them...

 

Frankly, you sound like you need some serious help.

 

Stop saying you want to have rape play to please her, she does't want to do it with you, how can you be pushing for it for her sake.

 

You are clearly pushing for your own sake...

 

You are not honest with yourself, how can you be honest with her...

 

Do you even understand that people have boundaries and that BDSM people don't just tie each other up and anything goes?

 

Good God man, pull yourself together.

Edited June 30, 2015 by eve_k

[deadelvis]

 

You fail to understand how things work.

 

People get freaky in two ways.

 

Some people need emotional detachment and only freak pout with casual partners.

 

Some people need a trusting bond with a well know partner and love to freak out.

 

You guys are in love, so if she is the first type of freak, that's your answer.

 

....

 

 

We do not do same sexual things with everyone...

 

 

^^^^This is what I call a deal breaker.

 

If your boyfriend talked about how he loved performing oral sex on women and talked constantly about how much he was looking forward to going down on you, but then suddenly had zero interest in doing it... how would that make you feel? At that point it's not about enjoying oral sex. It's a feeling of "well what's wrong with my p****?"

 

"Oh well, I love you. I only go down on women who I don't feel an emotional connection to"

 

This is the sound of me walking away.

 

If he came out and said "I don't eat p****. Never have, never will" that would be much different. But that's not the situation. "I love eating p****. It's my favorite. Just not your p****."

 

No thanks.

Edited June 30, 2015 by deadelvis

[eve_k]

^^^^This is what I call a deal breaker.

 

If your boyfriend talked about how he loved performing oral sex on women and talked constantly about how much he was looking forward to going down on you, but then suddenly had zero interest in doing it... how would that make you feel? At that point it's not about enjoying oral sex. It's a feeling of "well what's wrong with my p****?"

 

Darling, I told you to break it off with her two months ago, on the other forum, you yelled at me.

 

I also told you to investigate how to safely do BDSM, you yelled at me...

 

You guys should not be together.

 

You do not sound very compatible...

 

You obsessing over things will not make things better.

 

Sometimes people are just not compatible, and yes we all have deal breakers.

 

Also you can't force sexual chemistry, it's there or it isn't...

 

I don't know what you want from us here, we are trying to help you.

[TaraMaiden2]

She won't take it well.

She will take all the blame, OR will consider you unreasonable, unfair and judgemental.

 

Probably both....

 

I'm sorry you can't get past this.

But bear in mind that whoever you find, is going to have some degree of a past experience that will not sit well with you.

 

The moral of the story is, if you don't want to know - don't ask.

 

Leave the past where it is.

 

Talk about curiosity killing the cat....

[deadelvis]

I think I've heard exactly what I needed to hear. The harsh truth.

 

The facts:

1. She has always preferred wild kinky sex. (she made this painfully clear)

2. She loves me.

3. Now she claims she doesn't want wild kinky sex. (with me)

 

Conclusion: She only likes to engage in fun, kinky sex with people who she isn't emotionally attached to (not me).

 

Result: I would rather be alone than live with that knowledge.

[deadelvis]

She won't take it well.

She will take all the blame, OR will consider you unreasonable, unfair and judgemental.

 

Probably both....

 

I'm sorry you can't get past this.

But bear in mind that whoever you find, is going to have some degree of a past experience that will not sit well with you.

 

The moral of the story is, if you don't want to know - don't ask.

 

Leave the past where it is.

 

Talk about curiosity killing the cat....

 

It's not so much the past. I've gotten over the past. It's the

"I love wild kinky sex, but just not with you"

 

I can't carry that weight.

[deadelvis]

If she had said from the start...

 

"I've done some freaky stuff in the past but I didn't really enjoy it. I've learned I'm just a vanilla type of girl"

 

I would be totally ok with that.

 

When she said...

 

"I've done some freaky stuff in the past and I really enjoyed it, I look forward to doing freaky stuff with you"

 

That was better than ok. That was awesome.

 

But when she said the second sentence for two months and then suddenly switched to the first sentence I figured out that what she was really saying was...

 

"I've done some wild and freaky stuff in the past, and I really enjoyed it, but I will never do any of that stuff with you"

 

And that felt like someone ripped my heart out.

Edited June 30, 2015 by deadelvis

[TaraMaiden2]

It's not so much the past. I've gotten over the past. It's the

"I love wild kinky sex, but just not with you"

 

I can't carry that weight.

 

Why is this 'all about you'...? Can't you consider her position in this?

[TaraMaiden2]

If she had said from the start...

 

"I've done some freaky stuff in the past but I didn't really enjoy it. I've learned I'm just a vanilla type of girl"

 

I would be totally ok with that.

 

When she said...

 

"I've done some freaky stuff in the past and I really enjoyed it, I look forward to doing freaky stuff with you"

 

That was better than ok. That was awesome.

 

But when she said the second sentence for two months and then suddenly switched to the first sentence I figured out that what she was really saying was...

 

"I've done some wild and freaky stuff in the past, and I really enjoyed it, but I will never do any of that stuff with you"

 

And that felt like someone ripped my heart out.

 

I realise this seems like a big deal to you, but seriously, you are being over-the-top melodramatic.

 

If I thought it would do any good, I would seriously suggest you consider joint psycho-sexual counselling.

 

You're actually coming over as quite selfish.

This is a joint venture.

You really should be more considerate of her place in this.

It's not about what you want, expect or think she should do.

 

A relationship contains two people.

 

Think carefully before deciding - unanimously - to throw in the towel.

[deadelvis]

Why is this 'all about you'...? Can't you consider her position in this?

 

What exactly is her position?

 

She only feels comfortable having vanilla sex with people she cares about, but deep down inside she wants wild crazy meaningless sex?

 

That's great for her. Really. I wish her luck with that. I hope her next boyfriend is happy with that. And I hope she doesn't make the mistake of telling him what she really likes in the bedroom. Or maybe she won't care about him so he'll be lucky enough to get all the wild and crazy sex that she has no desire to share with me. Either way. I wish them both the best of luck.

[Satu]

I said I wouldn't post any more on this thread, but I will, because there is one more thing I want to say.

 

 

If this relationship ends, and you find yourself with a new partner, do not dig into the details of her sexual past.

 

Just take her as being who she is in the present.

 

 

You should take her as being who she is in the present, because thats who she is, and thats who she wants to be.

 

 

Take care.

Edited June 30, 2015 by Satu

[deadelvis]

I realise this seems like a big deal to you, but seriously, you are being over-the-top melodramatic.

 

It is a big deal to me.

 

If I thought it would do any good, I would seriously suggest you consider joint psycho-sexual counselling.

 

Too late.

 

You're actually coming over as quite selfish.

This is a joint venture.

You really should be more considerate of her place in this.

It's not about what you want, expect or think she should do.

 

I tried being understanding of her position on this but honestly I think it's incredibly hurtful and depressing that she can't share 100% of her sexuality with me, and I don't think I will ever feel happy if she's only giving me a portion of herself, sexually or otherwise.

 

A relationship contains two people.

 

Right. But if she's only giving me 50% of her sexuality then this relationship is more like 1.5 people and .5 of her is somewhere else entirely.

 

Think carefully before deciding - unanimously - to throw in the towel.

 

I have some serious soul searching to do on this. Thats for sure. I won't break up with her right away. But realizing what's been going on in our sex life has really shed some light on things. I think it's pretty much over.

 

For what it's worth. We love each other more than we have ever loved anyone else. We have the best sex we have ever had with anyone. We were supposed to be together forever.

[TaraMaiden2]

What exactly is her position?

Her position is that she loves you and wants to be with you. But obviously, that isn't sufficient for your emotional or physical wants....

 

She only feels comfortable having vanilla sex with people she cares about, but deep down inside she wants wild crazy meaningless sex?

There's no 'deep down' about it.

It's not necessarily what she wants. It's something emotionally, she cannot do with you because there is a specific level of detachment she needs.

She has no intention of being unfaithful or finding strangers to have sex with, while she is with you....

 

That's great for her. Really. I wish her luck with that. I hope her next boyfriend is happy with that.

That sounds just mean.

You're willing to dump a woman who has professed her love for you, because you expect her to be kinky with you, and she simply cannot comply?

 

Big of you....

 

And I hope she doesn't make the mistake of telling him what she really likes in the bedroom.

Hopefully, he won't make the mistake of asking, or judging her actions all the more....

 

Or maybe she won't care about him so he'll be lucky enough to get all the wild and crazy sex that she has no desire to share with me.

 

God, you are so self-righteous. You have such a sense of entitlement, don't you?

It's not that she doesn't desire.

It's that she CAN'T. But oh no, that's not good enough for you.....

 

 

Either way. I wish them both the best of luck.

 

I think any situation she might find herself in future would be better than the one you've condemned her to with you.

 

Sad - but true.

[deadelvis]

I said I wouldn't post any more on this thread, but I will, because there is one more thing I want to say.

 

 

If this relationship ends, and you find yourself with a new partner, do not dig into the details of her sexual past.

 

Just take her as being who she is in the present.

 

 

You should take her as being who she is in the present, because thats who she is, and thats who she wants to be.

 

 

Take care.

 

But what I want is all of her. In the present. All her kinks and fetishes. All her love. All her sexuality. That's the problem. Not her past. The past can be forgotten and left behind. Feeling like your partner is holding back from you sexually and not giving you 100% is a huge dealbreaker.

[TaraMaiden2]

For what it's worth. We love each other more than we have ever loved anyone else. We have the best sex we have ever had with anyone. We were supposed to be together forever.

 

Liar.

 

Your love for her is uber-conditional, to the point of egotism.

There is no place in a relationship for making demands upon a partner they cannot fulfil.

 

I suggest for her own well-being, you break off this relationship sooner rather than later.

You don't love her.

You love an ideal of her she cannot satisfy.

Ergo, she is not up to your standards.

 

End this ASAP.

[TaraMaiden2]

But what I want is all of her. In the present. All her kinks and fetishes. All her love. All her sexuality.

And for reasons you cannot, or are refusing to accept, she cannot do that.

This is a huge problem, but it's all yours.

Quit blame-shifting.

The break up is down to you, not down to her, or her 'withholding'....

 

That's the problem. Not her past. The past can be forgotten and left behind. Feeling like your partner is holding back from you sexually and not giving you 100% is a huge dealbreaker.

I've said all I can to demonstrate that this is not deliberate.

She is not being cruel, or manipulative.

In fact, she tried her damnedest to try to persuade you how much she loves you, but through your judgemental fog, you refuse to see or accept that.

You just see yourself as being deprived.

[Satu]

I suspect that she's giving you something she's never given to anyone else.

 

Can you guess what that might be?

[Chi townD]

Dude, you really don't understand sex for a woman do you?

 

 

Was she wild and uninhibited with dudes that she had no emotional connection with! And she told you she enjoyed it. True, she probably did when it was happening. Did you ever ask her how she truly felt afterwards? Not while it was happening. But, afterwards. It probably made her feel ashamed, or used. That she was treated like a whore. She might have felt more lonely after that than she did before.

 

 

Now don't get me wrong, a girl likes it wild and rough from time to time. And she did try some kink with you. But, she also had vanilla sex with you. And even though YOU consider it vanilla, to her it might be a time where she felt safe and secure and loved. Where she not only connects with you on a physical level, but also on an emotional one. And she cherishes that more than anything kinky. For a lot of girls, it's not about how good a guy is, or how big he is, or how big of an orgasm she has. It's about the connection. To feel loved and desired by the person she loves the most. To feel his or her tenderness and affection. Maybe she wants to be your girl and not your whore.

 

 

Now, I'm not a girl but I speculate that I'm not far off the mark. Girls, tell me if I'm wrong here.

[VengeanceGuidesMe]

a refusal?

[deadelvis]

Her position is that she loves you and wants to be with you. But obviously, that isn't sufficient for your emotional or physical wants....

 

I just can't wrap my head around it. How can you be in love with someone and not want to share everything sexual with them. I have a male friend who said

 

"well there's certain things I just wouldn't do with my wife. Sure I'd do them with another woman, but my wife? no way. That would change the way I look at her. I mean jesus, she's the mother of my child, I wouldn't want to look at her that way"

 

When he told me that I realized he is a coward and a piece of ****. I can't even be his friend after hearing that. I could never be in a relationship with someone who feels that way. Never. No way. His poor wife.

 

There's no 'deep down' about it.

It's not necessarily what she wants. It's something emotionally, she cannot do with you because there is a specific level of detachment she needs.

She has no intention of being unfaithful or finding strangers to have sex with, while she is with you....

 

Detachment from the person who you love and want to share your life with? The person you want to grow old with and raise children? No thanks.

 

 

That sounds just mean.

You're willing to dump a woman who has professed her love for you, because you expect her to be kinky with you, and she simply cannot comply?

 

Big of you....

 

I feel like if she's not comfortable being kinky with someone she loves, but she's comfortable doing it with a stranger, it's a sign that she will never be able to give me 100% of herself, physically, emotionally or spiritually. I gave her everything I am. Good, bad, and ugly. If she could do something with a stranger that she couldn't do with me (cumming hard and fast perhaps? like the original example I gave, a huge red flag), that's not really a healthy relationship. And it's probably a sign that she is incapable of real love.

 

Hopefully, he won't make the mistake of asking, or judging her actions all the more....

 

God, you are so self-righteous. You have such a sense of entitlement, don't you?

It's not that she doesn't desire.

It's that she CAN'T. But oh no, that's not good enough for you.....

 

How in the f*** can you do something with a stranger that you couldn't do with the person you love? See my example above about my friend and his wife. What has the world come to? I'm losing my faith in mankind.

 

 

 

I think any situation she might find herself in future would be better than the one you've condemned her to with you.

 

Sad - but true.

 

Agreed.

 

 

I'm seriously sinking into what could only be described as a personal introspective nightmare

[deadelvis]

And for reasons you cannot, or are refusing to accept, she cannot do that.

This is a huge problem, but it's all yours.

Quit blame-shifting.

The break up is down to you, not down to her, or her 'withholding'....

 

I've said all I can to demonstrate that this is not deliberate.

She is not being cruel, or manipulative.

In fact, she tried her damnedest to try to persuade you how much she loves you, but through your judgemental fog, you refuse to see or accept that.

You just see yourself as being deprived.

 

Right. But why did she go on for months about all the kinky sex she wanted to have with me?

[Satu]

Dude, you really don't understand sex for a woman do you?

 

 

Was she wild and uninhibited with dudes that she had no emotional connection with! And she told you she enjoyed it. True, she probably did when it was happening. Did you ever ask her how she truly felt afterwards? Not while it was happening. But, afterwards. It probably made her feel ashamed, or used. That she was treated like a whore. She might have felt more lonely after that than she did before.

 

 

Now don't get me wrong, a girl likes it wild and rough from time to time. And she did try some kink with you. But, she also had vanilla sex with you. And even though YOU consider it vanilla, *to her it might be a time where she felt safe and secure and loved. Where she not only connects with you on a physical level, but also on an emotional one. And she cherishes that more than anything kinky. For a lot of girls, it's not about how good a guy is, or how big he is, or how big of an orgasm she has. It's about the connection. To feel loved and desired by the person she loves the most. To feel his or her tenderness and affection. Maybe she wants to be your girl and not your whore.

 

 

Now, I'm not a girl but I speculate that I'm not far off the mark. Girls, tell me if I'm wrong here.

 

*This is exactly what I think is really happening and what I was alluding to in my last post.

[deadelvis]

I suspect that she's giving you something she's never given to anyone else.

 

Can you guess what that might be?

 

three things.

Love, herpes and major psychological issues about my own self worth.

[Satu]

three things.

Love, herpes and major psychological issues about my own self worth.

 

Nobody can give you issues about your self worth.

 

Your self worth is the product of what you see when you look at yourself.

[TaraMaiden2]

Right. But why did she go on for months about all the kinky sex she wanted to have with me?

 

Because - then - she didn't - realise - how - deeply - she - would - feel - about - you.....

 

questions, questions, questions... all diversions from the fact that you are judgemental and condemnatory, and that this problem is YOURS - NOT - HERS.